I got to wake up to this shit this morning, leafing through Facebook on my phone while trying to convince my legs and arms and torso that getting out of bed was going to be a thing that was physically and intellectually possible.

You may have seen the article yourself by now; the headline is “NYPD Officer Kills Baby Following Breastfeeding Argument.”  It’s from a website that I’ve never heard of called the National Report.  And I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with these people but everyone involved with the website and especially the author of the article desperately need the shit beaten out of them.

The National Report is, apparently, supposed to be a “satire” website, but they are painfully goddamned bad at their jobs.  Important fact: this article is not true.  It is, in fact, apparently entirely made up.

The problem here is twofold:

• We live in a world where the NYPD, and basically police departments across the country, are so militarized and out-of-control that there is no reason to initially disbelieve the article; and
• There isn’t so much as a wink anywhere in the article or on the website itself to indicate that this story isn’t true.

I can not believe that I’m about to write these words in a context where I think people don’t understand them:  cops killing babies isn’t fucking funny.  We’ve already had a situation recently where cops on a no-knock midnight raid AT THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE threw a flashbang into an infant’s crib and blew a hole in his chest.  That’s not satire.  That’s the fucking truth, it fucking happened.

This. Shit. Is. Not. Funny.  There is no universe where you can make cops murdering babies a funny story, and if you think there is you are in desperate motherfucking need of mental health care.  If you’re reading this right now going “hurr durr librul no sense of humor,” do me three favors: 1) unsubscribe me, 2) never read anything I write ever the fuck again  and 3) kill yourself.  You are not human and I do not want you in the same world as me.

I read through the damn article begging for a sign that it was a satire or a joke or a hoax and couldn’t find one; only a subsequent Google search led me to the Snopes page that indicated it was false.  Looking around at the National Report’s front page would have helped, but the site frequently seems to confuse “satire” with “flat-out spreading lies”– and the fact that they have appeared to have decided to double down with a  follow-up article stating that the (again, nonexistent) arresting officer has been cleared of all charges is just further proof that these people are fucking horrible, horrible scumbag meat-things whose bodies are in the shape of humans but appear to be missing some critical component– let’s call it a “soul”– that leads you to realize that cops killing babies isn’t fucking funny.

Fuck you, National Report, for even considering this bullshit, much less for the follow-up article, and fuck you, NYPD, for being such a fucking lawless street gang that this article doesn’t immediately fail the smell test.

Fuck today, too, while I’m at it.  I don’t need this shit.