Category: idiocy

It’s bloody hot

On By Luther M. SilerIn idiocyLeave a comment

That’s the thermometer in my back yard, at 7:37 PM, and you’ll note that thermometers don’t know what a “heat index” is, so I can only assume it’s the literal apocalypse outside right now. It’s supposed to be like this all week. I’m not excited about it.

I watched both World Cup matches this afternoon; Brazil-Japan was exciting despite ending the wrong way; Germany-Paraguay was a textbook example of Everything Americans Think is Wrong with Soccer, not only featuring a truly ludicrous amount of flopping (if I took a drink every time I said “you’re fine, get up,” I’d be dead) but ending in a shootout where the pivotal miss on the German team’s part, the kick that more or less decided the game, soared ten feet above the goal.

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I suggest that, given a stationary ball and no one defending, any professional soccer player should be able to hit the fucking goal. Someone out there– possibly not someone reading this, but someone— will surely disagree with me on that. I could put a ball in the goal from that distance when I was playing soccer at ten. The goalkeeper is basically relying on vibes and luck to choose which way he jumps; he’s only barely relevant. All you have to do is hit the goal. The damned thing is twenty-four feet wide and eight feet tall. 192 square feet. Come the fuck on. And he wasn’t the only player who missed the goal! He was just the worst example.

The dude who missed that shot should walk into the ocean, is what I’m saying. Imagine NBA games that ended with each team shooting free throws and one of them airballs. That’s the rough equivalent here. Maybe one player from the opposing team gets to throw a ball at the ball to account for the goalie.(*)

The third game of the day features my Netherlands; I will have to cheer for a European team against an African one, which rankles a bit, but they’re my team and that’s that. I just wish I remembered why.

(*) No, an even better example: a football (our football) game where the game was decided on five extra point attempts. Any kicker who missed that badly wouldn’t make it off the field alive, and if he did he wouldn’t be taking his kicking foot with him.

OH AND ALSO:

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This makes sense

On By Luther M. SilerIn idiocy, lifeLeave a comment

Perfectly normal, I’m sure, to wake up at 5:30 in the morning on a Saturday, finally drag yourself out of bed at 6:30 after giving up on any chance of additional sleep, and then to take not one, not two, but three naps over the next twelve hours.

My body is stupid.

Same, son. Same.

On By Luther M. SilerIn idiocyLeave a comment

This was the first text I received from my son upon his joining the land of the living this morning afternoon:

It’s been that kind of day today. School went fine– I’d love to provide everyone with entertaining anecdotes from my summer school experience, but everything’s just been completely chill the entire time and there really hasn’t been anything to say. My biggest concern is that the curriculum they’ve provided us with simply isn’t enough material to fill three hours, but no one appears to care that my kids are getting lots of break time in between tasks. I’ll supplement if I have to, but we hit the halfway point through this thing tomorrow and at this point I’m pretty sure no one is going to make me. I generally have between five and nine kids and they’re all really nice kids. I was super worried about it going in and it turned out to be the easiest gig ever.

No, it’s everything else that’s weighing on me, and even there I’m becoming insanely repetitive; how much longer can literally everything continue to get dumber every single day before something breaks? Apparently the fuckwit had a press conference today and he said so many objectively insane things– apparently Barack Obama sent some invisible terrorists to cut 350-foot slashes in the reflecting pool, which is not only surrounded by cops but is literally under constant video surveillance– that I’m still seeing new clips on Bluesky five or six hours later. And nothing will change.

I’m exhausted. Everything is exhausting. A few minutes ago I did a quick search to find out the score of the France-Iraq match (it got rain delayed, and I’m watching Norway-Senegal instead) and one part of the screen told me the game wasn’t over yet and the score was 3-0 and another part of the screen told me the game was over and the final score was 1-0. AI is the dumbest fucking thing since the last dumbest fucking thing, and will be the dumbest fucking thing for about another three months when another dumbest fucking thing will take over. Mediocrity no longer occasionally gets rewarded; mediocrity is required for success nowadays. Earth has its first trillionaire since Mansa Musa and he is somehow still an unbearable loser. I hate this timeline and I want out of it.

Bah.

The literacy crisis is real

On By Luther M. SilerIn idiocyLeave a comment

Go ahead, watch this TikTok video, which is being weirdly inconsistent about whether it’s willing to embed:

@victorvacheroncomedy

Celsius was designed by scientists. Fahrenheit was designed by someone who had to go outside. ☀️ ❄️ #USA #Weather #Europe #Travel #Comedy

♬ original sound – victorvacheroncomedy

In response to this video, I posted the following comment:

You will note that that comment has 4601 Likes in 8 hours, which is a pretty good number! I don’t mind getting lots of likes on comments. However, right after taking all of the screenshots I needed for this post, I deleted the comment. Why? Because the dumbest fucking people on Earth found it, and I cannot believe the pure bullheaded illiteracy on display in the many responses to this comment. This is just a sampling, guys, and the number of people who seemed to think that I literally meant human beings boil is absolutely staggering. Have a gallery:

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I can’t decide which is worse: the “we don’t really boil” people, the “ONLY AT SEA LEVEL” pedants (the variance in boiling temperature is about 7% from sea level to the top of Mount fucking Everest; shut up), or the people who don’t seem to understand what fevers are. My favorite is the person who claims to have had a 106 degree fever for two full days; 106 degrees is a five-alarm, get-your-ass-to-the-hospital-NOW fever. 106 degrees will kill you stone fucking dead. Then there are the people who thought that I meant that people would … literally freeze into a block … at 0 degrees? Are you kidding? Tell me you’re kidding.

I mean, beach_lily really thought “Literally not true” was something worth saying. You’re right! Of fucking course people don’t literally boil! What the fuck is wrong with you that you thought you needed to point that out?

I’ve said it before many times, and I’ll say it again: it should be painful to be this dumb. Your brain should shock you or something. You should pass out before you finish expressing thoughts this dumb. I am absolutely willing to live by this; I live in daily, constant fear of actually being as dumb as these people seem to be. This is “democracy is a terrible idea” level dumb. These people’s votes count!

Society is so fucking doomed.

On the World Cup: How to Choose Who to Cheer For

On By Luther M. SilerIn idiocyLeave a comment

I haven’t watched a World Cup game– sorry, match— yet, and it is entirely possible that I’ll make it through the whole thing without watching any of them, but I still have Strong Opinions about who should win. To wit:

  • Oranje! My team is the Netherlands. Why? I have no clue. However, I have been consistent about this for at least three World Cups now, including at least one that they did not actually participate in. I think I just like saying Oranje.
  • Sorry, not you: If the United States is one of the two teams, I am for the other team. Because to hell with patriotism right now.
  • Iran, because Iran winning the World Cup would be fucking hilarious;
  • Africa unite: If the Netherlands or the US are not involved in the game, but a team from Africa is, cheer for the team from Africa. If two African teams are competing against each other, choose the team with cooler uniforms. EXCEPTION: South Africa. See below.
  • All other games matches: No Netherlands, no US, and no Africa? The preference list is as follows:
    • Curaçao, because I don’t even know where that is;(*)
    • Haiti;
    • Mexico;
    • Any team from Central or South America (follow the “uniforms and vibes” rule if both teams are Central/South American)
    • Türkiye;
    • Any other team from Asia Minor/the Middle East; blah blah uniforms & vibes
    • Canada;
    • Anywhere else that isn’t Europe, including South Africa;
    • Europe, excepting the Netherlands; BBU&V.

So today we are supporting Qatar, Morocco and Haiti; tomorrow, Türkiye, Curaçao, ORANJE!, the Ivory Coast and Tunisia, and Monday, Cape Verde, Egypt, Uruguay and Iran. You get the idea, I think.

(*) I just found out that Curaçao is part of the Kingdom of the Netherlands, apparently, and moved them up on the list. We’re going to consider Cape Verde as Africa-adjacent as well.

Choose your own excuse

On By Luther M. SilerIn idiocyLeave a comment

Nothing to say tonight, despite claiming yesterday that I wanted to get caught up on book reviews. Is it because I am …

  • Tired
  • Crabby
  • Sickish
  • Reading a book that I can’t review yet or even tell you about
  • More interested in playing video games
  • Building Minas Tirith
  • Building some other Lego set
  • Lesson Planning
  • None of these
  • All of these
  • Definitely the first four and maybe #5

Who knows? You decide!

This is why I don’t leave the house

On By Luther M. SilerIn idiocy2 Comments

I made a quick run after dinner, to the very same grocery store that I got a senior citizen discount at yesterday, because I needed even more shit for school that I should have just bought yesterday. I pulled into a parking spot and put the car in park, and at that precise moment the car next to me and the car facing them on the other side of the aisle both started pulling out of their spots at the same time.

My sense of proprioception went absolutely batshit, and I was completely convinced my car was moving. Have you ever slammed on the brakes on a car while it’s in park? I don’t recommend it, especially if the car already wasn’t moving, because it won’t help. I had a couple of seconds of full-on panic, trying to figure out why my car was moving when I wasn’t moving it, before it clicked what was going on.

I went inside and immediately walked past a former student, who did not acknowledge me– possibly because I had her in class fifteen or sixteen years ago and she didn’t recognize me, which is reasonable. I remember liking the kid well enough, and the last I heard about her she was doing fine, but man did she look like hammered shit today. Like, possibly unhoused and with the flu. Really, really rough.

I collected my various purchases, noting with some irritation that some of them were literally twice the cost that they would have been had I gone to Target, but fuck it, I was already there. I bought everything and went back out to my car, checked my mirrors and my back-up camera and started backing out of my spot, like a normal, responsible driver, and just before I got to the point where I’d take the car out of reverse the car behind me (so on the other side of the lane) starts pulling out of their spot, clearly not looking to see if the way was clear. I slammed on the horn and came within an inch or two of getting hit, but they stopped in time and pulled back into their parking spot so I could leave.

As I was driving away, I saw a large man in a Punisher shirt and bright red shorts standing on the side of the entrance to the parking lot. A moment later I realized that this man, at 6:30 PM on a Thursday night, in broad daylight and in public, was energetically masturbating.

I once watched from my fourth-floor apartment window in Chicago as a woman squatted in the entrance to a business across the street and took a piss on the sidewalk, but I’m almost certain I’ve never seen somebody just randomly jerking off on the side of the road at passing cars before.

On the other hand, hey, it got me a blog post.

You tell me

On By Luther M. SilerIn idiocy4 Comments

How old do I look?

Because, okay, I do have a Birthday of Significance coming up, in just barely over a month. I’m not entirely ready for it, to be honest. It has a good chance to be a pretty rough day. But do you know what shit happened to me today? I went to the grocery after work today, with my wife, because of course there had to be a witness along for this bullshit, to buy Many Snacks for the final meeting of my weird little gay kids club tomorrow.

I had too many snacks, so rather than going through the self-checkout I went through a regular register, with a checker and a bagger and shit. The human being manning the register … well, childing the register, was a larva. Maybe seven years old, at most. And do you know what this prepubescent little bastard(*) did to me?

Without saying anything or asking a single question, he gave me a senior citizen discount.

Which I took. Because fuck you, groceries are expensive, and 10% off is a good discount.

But seriously. Tell the truth, especially if you don’t actually know how old I am. I know The Youngs don’t have the slightest idea how old anyone over 30 actually is, but I can go back to this grocery store tomorrow and smack this little asshole, right? Because last I checked senior citizen means sixty-five, and … no. I don’t even plan on living to 65 and I sure as shit on my worst day on Earth don’t look 65 now.

I’mma kidnap this little diaper-wearing-ass smooth-skinned-ass no-retirement-plan-havin’-ass have-fun-with-global-warming-after-I’m-dead-ass whippersnapper and dropkick him onto my front lawn so I can tell him to get the fuck off of it.

(*) By seven, I mean seventeen, because if this little shit can fuck up my age I can sure as hell fuck his up.