In which I eat incorrectly

Pictured: not my poke bowl.

I went to the deli at my local supermarket for lunch today, and noticed that they have poke bowls as a food option now. Poke (pronounced po-keh, which I didn’t know until I started searching for images) is basically deconstructed sushi in a bowl, only with a few other ingredients (in mine, cucumbers and tomatoes, for example) that typically aren’t found in most sushis.

I grabbed a tasty-looking poke bowl and some grapes and a Pepsi and headed to a table to eat my food. Now, this is important: I’ve gotten pretty good with chopsticks, to the point where I really don’t have to pay attention any longer when I’m eating with them, and I had a very busy afternoon ahead of me (I’m still taking half days every day due to the Ongoing Medical Disaster my family is experiencing) so I really wasn’t paying attention to what I was eating. I mixed everything up to what I thought was a satisfactory degree, removing the pile of ginger slices from the bowl as I went, tossed some soy sauce on top of it, and went to town. This is rice and tuna and salmon and some vegetables and a few stray pieces of fruit. It’s light and delicious. I don’t need to pay attention. I was looking at my phone and planning out the optimal order for the ten thousand things I had to do this afternoon. My brain was elsewhere.

And then, because I wasn’t paying attention, and because it was hidden under a Goddamn pile of lettuce and cucumbers rather than being somewhere where I could see it, I put an entire fucking ball of wasabi into my mouth without realizing what I was doing.

And. Well.

So, first of all: don’t eat an entire ball of wasabi.

Second: if you do eat an entire ball of wasabi, just suck it up and spit it out onto something and then quietly clean it up the mess you made, burning with shame the entire time.

Third: if you don’t spit it out, because spitting out mouthfuls of food in public is not something you do, don’t panic and fucking try and use the Pepsi you bought for a drink to cut the heat. It’s not going to fucking work.

Pepsi, as it turns out, when poured onto a mouthful of fucking wasabi, has a reaction not far from the reaction Diet Coke and Mentos do, only in this scenario, the Mentos are made of pain and suffering and fire.

I got it all down without vomiting or spitting a mountain of wasabi and aspirated cola all over the dining area. I don’t know how. And then, tears streaming down my face and my nose running and visibly fucking suffering, I went up to the poor fuckers at the checkout line nearby and told them to go have a word with the goddamn sushi chef and tell him that I was mostly blaming myself for this disaster but that he should never hide a pile of wasabi in a poke bowl again.

You put that shit on top, where motherfuckers can see it.

It wasn’t a good day.

I did finish the rest of the bowl, but only after making sure there wasn’t any more goddamned wasabi hidden anywhere.

In which I might have been wrong once four and a half years ago

You may be aware that four and a half Goddamn years ago I wrote a review of a stupid movie that I did not enjoy. That movie was called Snowpiercer. I’m not linking to the review, at least not in the text of this post; I’m sure it’ll show up at the bottom somewhere. That post has proven since then to be The Post That Will Not Die. There has been one– ONE day in the four and a half years since it was written that no one clicked on it. It is my second highest-traffic post of all time (it will cross 30,000 pageviews sometime this month) and it is the #1 Google result in the world for the phrase “Snowpiercer stupid.”

It’s been spiking again lately, going from 3-5 hits a day to 20-25 for the last couple of weeks, and whenever that happens I wonder why. This was a not-very-high-profile bad movie from six years ago, for Christ’s sake, and I don’t understand why people are still searching out bad reviews of it. Well, it turns out there’s news about a TV series, which … dandy. This is never going away.

And then I found this video in the comments on that post. And I have chosen to embrace its central thesis fully, and I officially take back everything I ever said about Snowpiercer, if and only if it turns out that it is true that it is a direct sequel to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Yeah, that’s what I said.

Watch every second of this, please. Don’t watch Snowpiercer, but watch every second of this video about it:

In which I face Jod and walk backwards into Hell

It has come to my attention that there are actual human beings who think that the plural of “email” is “email.”

These people are sociopaths.

You can use “email” as a collective– “I get lots of email” or “I sent some email” if you like, but if it is used as a plural, ie, “He sent two emails”, and you don’t include that -s at the end, you are bad and wrong and you should go far away.

Or embrace the phrase “email messages,” and dodge the issue that way.

The end.

In which I provide examples

I had the distinct displeasure of encountering this ignorant piece of pigshit earlier today:

If you find naming five women you admire a “challenge,” you need to not only have the fucking sense to not say that on the internet where God and fuckin’ everybody can see it, you need to re-evaluate literally every single aspect of your life, because, and I cannot emphasize this enough, you done fucked up. You done fucked up and you are fucked up, and fuck you double for putting this ignant shit where I’m gonna find it during a week where I’ve got enough bullshit weighing me down already without your dumb ass.

You can’t come up with five women you admire? Here, motherfucker, have a list of a hundred women I admire, drawn almost entirely from living women (a few forced their way onto the list anyway; you’ll know them when you see them) and exclusively from women you should have heard of. It took me maybe fifteen minutes. If I included people I know who aren’t famous, I could easily fucking double this. If I took a few hours to do it and think about it carefully rather than creating it quickly, I could triple it.

Stupid fucking bastard. I hate men.

One hundred women I, Luther M. Siler, personally admire, sorted by first name. If you don’t know who they are, look them the fuck up.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Alfre Woodard
Alicia Keys
Alyssa Milano
Amanda Marcotte
Angela Bassett
Angela Davis
Anita Sarkeesian
April Daniels
Aretha Franklin
Ava DuVernay
Ayanna Pressley
bell hooks
Betty White
Beyoncé
Bonnie Raitt
Bree Newsome
Brooke Bolander
Cardi B
Carrie Fisher
Charlize Theron
Cherie Priest
Chloë Grace Moretz
Chrissy Teigen
Christa McAuliffe
Cicely Tyson
Claudette Colvin
Claudia Gray
Daisy Ridley
Danai Gurira
Elena Kagan
Elizabeth Warren
Emma Gonzalez
Emma Watson
Erykah Badu
Eve Ewing
G. Willow Wilson
Gail Simone
Hannah Gadsby
Hillary Clinton
Ijeoma Oluo
Ilhan Omar
Imani Gandy
J. K. Rowling
Janeane Garofalo
Janelle Monáe
Janis Joplin
Jodie Foster
Joy Reid
Judi Dench
Kamala Harris
Kameron Hurley
Kate McKinnon
Kathy Bates
Katie Bouman
Kelly Sue DeConnick
Kyrsten Sinema
Lauryn Hill
Laverne Cox
Leslie Jones
Linda Tirado
Lupita Nyong’o
Macy Gray
Mae Jemison
Maisie Williams
Malala Yousafzai
Maxine Waters
Mazie Hirono
Michelle Obama
Millie Bobby Brown
Ming-Na Wen
Missy Elliott
Mother Jones
N.K. Jemisin
Nancy Pelosi
Nnedi Okorafor
Noelle Stevenson
Oprah Winfrey
Patricia Okoumou
Queen Latifah
Rachel Caine
Rachel Maddow
Rashida Tlaib
Rivers Solomon
Ruth Bader Ginsberg
Sally Ride
Sandra Cisneros
Sandra Day O’Connor
Serena Williams
Sigourney Weaver
Sonia Sotomayor
Stevie Nicks
Tammy Duckworth
Tatiana Maslany
Toni Morrison
Uma Thurman
Uzoamaka Aduba
Viola Davis
Wanda Sykes
Zoe Saldana

Aaight

Tomorrow I drive down to Louisville.

I’m at ConGlomeration Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Next week, all week, is state standardized testing at work and it’s going to be a madhouse.

Next Friday, Avengers: Endgame comes out.

The following Saturday and Sunday I’ll be at LaffyCon in Lafayette.

My goal for the next eleven days is to not die.

Let’s do this.