Creepy children’s programming review: Color Crew

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So this “Color Crew” program is the new shizz around here for some reason.  TV for little kids is always deeply weird on one axis or another; this may be the weirdest program he’s ever wanted to watch, with the possible exception of “WordWorld,” which isn’t allowed into my house any longer.

Color Crew is the story of ten crayons.  The ten crayons are basically identical except for Purple, who is high as hell, and Green, who is… special.  The intro song sets up the basic premise of the program:

See, the whole thing is about competing for the hat, which has magical powers and allows the Color of the Day the power of speech.  The crayon’s only allowed to say its name, though, so it’s not actually that great as a superpower.  The crayons all hop around and compete for the honor of wearing the Hat, which always goes to the fourth crayon in line, a fact that they seem not quite bright enough to have figured out yet.  Then that crayon and the crayon to its left get to go color a picture.

Coloring a picture is very exciting!  The pictures exist in a  weird world without perspective, though, so it’s entirely possible that the piggy bank on the bed is 2/3 the size of the entire bed, or the two cherries on a plate are going to be the same size as the entire piece of cake on the plate next to it:

maxresdefaultNote the relative sizes of, say, the two oranges, the frying pan, and the carton of milk.  Which is, inexplicably, on a plate.  Somewhere underneath them will be some built-in shelves each holding a single carrot.

Anyway, as you can see, the Color of the Day gets to color some of the things in the picture!  This is very happymaking for everyone involved, and the crayons get rather indecently excited about it.  Like, there are crayon boners going on, I swear.  Sooner or later, though, the color of the day will stop shrieking his name over and over again and get a liiiitle bit too excited and color something the wrong color.  Objects in Color Crew world, you see, can only be one color, ever, and the other colors will tolerate no bending of this rule.  The mixture of horror and sadness on the face of the other crayon when something gets mis-colored cannot be expressed properly in language and must be seen to be believed.

And then the sinister purpose of the second crayon becomes apparent.  He’s the enforcer.  He’s there to make sure the rules get followed.  He’s there to summon the Angry Eraser:

The Angry Eraser is a terrifying mixture of a shop teacher from a 1970’s teen movie and Adolf Hitler.  He exists to destroy art and color and is perfectly happy with his role as Pure Evil.  He glares hatefully at the miscreant crayon, destroys their horrible mistake, and then grins like a fucking pedophile maniac and skids back off screen.  At which point the Color Overseer recolors the deviant portion of the page and everyone gets back to work.  Sooner or later all of the crayons zoom in, at which the picture unaccountably becomes colored with markers instead of crayons:

babytv4greenThe whole thing is weird and creepy, so naturally my kid loves it.  How long until he can watch Walking Dead with the wife and I?

 

Published by

Luther M. Siler

The author of SKYLIGHTS, THE BENEVOLENCE ARCHIVES and several other books.

14 thoughts on “Creepy children’s programming review: Color Crew

  1. I’m with you on this one. I have banned this particular program (along with Barney, Yo Gabba Gabba and Wubbzy) from my home. Though you put a lot more thought and energy into why you dislike it than I did.

    WordWorld I (inexplicably) like.

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  2. Oh dear Lord…..and I thought my life was horrible because Yo Gabba Gabba and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was on at least 4 hours per day in my house. Thanks for making sure this one never makes it onto our television.

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  3. “Green, who is… special”

    Laughed hysterically at that. My cousin and I have toddlers around the same age and when they were both loving this wasteland of a kid’s show we used to say the same thing about Green.

    “The mixture of horror and sadness on the face of the other crayon when something gets mis-colored cannot be expressed properly in language and must be seen to be believed.”

    So true! God, my cousin and I used to want to gouge our eyes out every time they wanted to watch this monstrosity. So glad they’re over that phase. So glad.

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  4. […] Creepy Children’s Programming Review: Color Crew: February 16, 480 hits.  The other thing that I need to do a lot to generate traffic?  Review stuff I don’t like, as you’ll see below.  I don’t dislike Color Crew as much as I dislike Super Why, although it’s a much, much weirder show.  Interesting fact:  all four CCPR posts (the other two are Peg + Cat and Curious George) are in my all-time top 20. […]

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  5. I agree this show is creepy, but my little guys like it. What I don’t get is there are only 9 crayons, and no black crayon.

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  6. oh my god this is the funniest thing i ever read in my entire life!!! i love you so much!!! im 14 and my friends and i love the theme song to the show.

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  7. This is literally the most hilarious thing I’ve ever read. I could barely get through reading it aloud to my fiancé from laughing so much. This is the ONLY show our son enjoys, and while it has taught him all the names of the colors from their repetitive announcement of their names, it has got to be one of the most pointless shows of all time.

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