Last night I reviewed a movie that I consider sort of unreviewable because the act of discussing it will make it impossible to properly enjoy it. Tonight my wife and son and I went to a movie that doesn’t need a review: the Lego Batman movie. You already know what you’ll think of the Lego Batman movie. You already know whether you’re going to see it. Chances are you know what I thought of the Lego Batman movie, and could write this review for me. And chances are you’re right about all those things.
After leaving the movie, I was thinking about what I’m always thinking about when I leave a Batman movie, which is that I will never get the Batman movie that I want. Batman has been the star of a comic book called Detective Comics since nineteen thirty goddamn nine. That was a really long time ago. There have been approximately three hundred Hollywood films with the word “Batman” or some variant thereof in the title since then, and some of them actually had Batman in them.
Can we get a damn mystery Batman movie, please? One where he has to actually solve a crime and act like a detective? I mean, hell, they’re basically making one of these things every two or three years and seem likely to be planning to continue that until I die. Can I get one of those to be a detective movie? Bonus points (this will never ever happen) if it’s a noirish piece and actually set in the 1930s or 1940s. You can still end the movie with a slam-bang action sequence, just make all the stuff before that be quieter and give me a Batman who uses his brains and not his gadgets and ninja skills. Yes, Batman Begins, the movie about black-wearing-ninja-sword-fighting-not-Batman-angry-guy, I’m looking at you.
Don’t take this as a criticism of Lego Batman, by the way. There’s nothing wrong with it; as I said, it’s exactly the movie I thought it would be (perhaps a bit more clever) and is probably exactly the movie you think it’ll be. But gimme just one dark, shadowy, film-noir Batman crime movie where he has to slink around and detect some shit and doesn’t do a lot of punching. I promise it’ll still make money. Please?