Oh God He’s Still Talking: Part 2 of the Spoiler #review of STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI

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PART EIGHT: FILIBUSTERING FOR THE FACEBOOK FOLKS

So, yeah, I’m going to try and finish this before I go to bed tonight, probably to pop tomorrow morning since I’ll be at work all day and why not.  In case it’s not obvious, there are probably going to be places where my memory of the film isn’t quite perfect (I saw it a week ago, after all) and chances are I’ll mix the order of some shit up every now and again.  If there’s anything especially egregious, let me know, or maybe I’ll fix it myself once I see the movie again, which is basically inevitable.

Okay.  Is that long enough to avoid accidentally spoiling something for the Facebook people, who get a little blurb from the first part of the post every time something gets shared?  Cool.  Onward!

PART NINE: THE OTHER PLAN

Item #2 in the I Know More than You About This Because I Read Books series is Amilyn Holdo.  This lady right here:

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The remnants of the Resistance are meeting, with Leia incapacitated and Ackbar dead, and it turns out that now-Admiral Holdo is the new at-least-interim leader of the Resistance.  And she, it seems, is not Poe Dameron’s biggest fan.  Now, I know all about Holdo, because I read Claudia Grey’s excellent Leia: Princess of Alderaan, where she’s a major character.  You may not know anything about her.  That’s okay!  Just be aware that she and Poe ain’t gonna get along… which she basically makes clear immediately by reminding him that one of Leia’s last acts as a non-blown-up person was to demote his ass and that arrogant, order-ignoring flyboys are not going to be any part of her chain of command.

(Did you hear that?  It’s important.)

So Poe pisses off and this is one of the parts where I told this out of order, because it’s after he meets with Holdo that he and Finn and Rose come up with Plan #2.  Plan #1, as it turns out after a while, is to get everybody on the flagship (which, the internet tells me, is called the Raddus) before the other ships die and then use the remaining fuel on the Raddus to get everyone off of it and headed somewhere else, basically in escape pods, before the First Order blows the Raddus out of the sky.

Er.  Space.  Can you blow something out of space?  Before they blow it up, at any rate.  Escape pods are tiny, see, and hopefully the First Order won’t notice them since they’re focused on the Raddus.

Poe does not like this plan.  Poe does not like this plan one bit!  Not that he told anybody about his plan, mind you, because he’s the Arrogant Flyboy and his ideas are better.  But he gets super pissed about the idea that everyone’s abandoning the ship to fly off who-knows-where and he fights back by staging a goddamned mutiny while everybody else is trying to load the ships up.  He and a few others literally hold Holdo and her never-named, beak-nosed lieutenant at gunpoint and try to take over the ship to give Finn and Rose and Slicer Dude some more time to sabotage Snoke’s ship.

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This is a bad decision, as Holdo manages to break free of her captors pretty quickly and starts taking her damn ship back.

Oh, and Finn and Rose done got their asses captured and Benicio del Toro is busy pissing off with a couple of giant crates full of, presumably, First Order cash, with not a drop of regret upon his countenance, so pretty much everything Poe Dameron has done in this movie has turned out to be bad decisions..  Turns out dressing like a First Order officer and infiltrating the ship isn’t clever enough to get past BB-H8, BB-8’s no-I’m-not-kidding evil counterpart.  More on them later, but needless to say Dameron is practically trying to hotwire the ship when Leia, of all people, bandaged head and all, breaks into the command deck and shoots his simple ass with a stun blaster.

Yeah, turns out the plan isn’t to just, y’know, flee.  There’s an old Rebel base nearby on a planet called Crait.  That’s where everybody’s going.  Oh, we didn’t tell you that specifically, Poe?  Why the fuck would we have told you specifically?  Maybe your recently-demoted, face-slapped, stungun-stunned ass could, I dunno, follow fucking orders?

Nah.

But before I go any farther there, let’s go back to Rey.  And that Kylo Ren dude I’ve barely mentioned at all so far.

PART TEN: THE BIT WITH REY AND KYLO, OR: DANCE, FUCKER, DANCE

I happen to be listening to The Offspring at the moment, so please don’t assume that secondary subtitle has anything do do with the actual movie.

So, yeah.  This chick.  She’s been busy:

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What with Luke refusing to train her in any sort of proper fashion, Rey’s basically decided to pick up his lightsaber and train herdamnself.

I love this character, guys.  I love Rey.  She’s the best thing Star Wars ever did.  Luke doesn’t wanna train her?  Fine.  Fuck ‘im.  She’s off lightsabering and jumping directly into the Pit of Evil that Luke has warned her away from and shocking the hell out of him with the visions she’s having during the rare occasions when he deigns to show her something.

Oh, and occasionally she finds that she and Kylo Ren are sharing a mental link that neither of them can explain, and they can talk to each other and see each other as if they’re in the same room.  The movie even goes so far as to give us a shirtless Kylo scene just so that they can demonstrate that Rey can actually see him.  That scar?  Goes all the way down, if you know what I mean and I sure as hell don’t.

Anyway, Rey kinda hates him, and it’s unbelievable how good of a job these two actors do of “acting” in a “scene” “together” when they are in fact not even in the same solar system.  Over time, though, Rey’s frustration with Luke sort of boils through, and Kylo sort of gets into her head a little bit– at least to the point where she’s not trying to blow his spectral head off anymore, as she does the first time she “sees” him.  The frog-nuns who protect the island are super pissed about the hole she blows in the wall of her hovel.

This happens several times, and eventually– and I’ll admit I’m losing the chronology a bit here– the question of What Happened With Luke comes up.  Rey gets three versions of the story.  First, Luke tells her that he was worried about how Ben was clearly being tempted by the dark side, went to talk with him, and Ben attacked him and burned down his Jedi school and fled.  Rey confronts Kylo Ren with this information.

And Kylo tells her point-blank that Luke had his lightsaber ignited when he went to see him, and when Kylo woke up, his master was standing over him preparing to kill him.

And then Luke’s version of the story changes when Rey confronts him about it, and it’s another one of those moments where Mark Hamill being an outstanding actor all the sudden is critical, because Luke describes igniting his lightsaber as a brief, terrible personal failure: that he’d had a vision of Ben Solo’s future as galactic supervillain Kylo Ren and, just for a moment, contemplated killing his apprentice, his own nephew, to prevent that terrible future from coming to pass– and, in doing so, destroyed everything he had ever worked for and guaranteed that future.

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PART ELEVEN:  SOME BITS I FORGOT TO MENTION

There are a couple of good Luke moments that I haven’t mentioned yet, and we’re chronologically past them in the movie now, so lemme just throw them in real quick: Luke initially basically hides from Rey, who goes and gets Chewbacca to literally knock in the wall of Luke’s hut.  Luke takes one look at Chewbacca and immediately asks him where Han is.  It’s the first hint we get of how he’s isolated himself from the Force; I don’t believe for a second that Jedi Master Luke wouldn’t have felt Han die.  They cut away after the question and we don’t see his reaction to the answer.

Also, the brief, involuntary smile on his face when he sees R2-D2 for the first time– one of only maybe aa couple of times he smiles in the movie– is wonderful.

PART TWELVE: THERE IS GOOD IN HIM, I CAN FEEL IT, OR MAYBE THOSE ARE HIS ABS

So, speaking of Kylo Ren:  he’s not wearing his mask anymore.  He only gets one really good Get Mad and Wreck Shit scene in this movie after several in FORCE AWAKENS, and it’s after being summoned up to Supreme Leader Snoke’s very, very red throne room and basically mocked roundly for not being the evilest evil dude who ever eviled evilly enough.  Snoke, who I briefly thought might be a reincarnated Darth Vader because of the scar on his head but it turns out is actually a gold-bathrobed Undead Hugh Hefner, makes fun of him for wearing the mask and he smashes the shit out of the thing in the lift on the way down from the throne room and we never see it again.

As he and Rey are Force-talking back and forth, she eventually gets the idea that she can win him back to the light side of the Force– that, much like his grandfather, there is good in him as well.  And eventually she decides that if Luke isn’t going to help her, or the Resistance, she’s going to take shit into her own hands.  In fact, she and Luke have a brief fight scene that starts off with her going after him with her staff and ends up with her using his blue lightsaber again.  He throws her off the island (“You can’t fire me, I quit!”) and she steals the Jedi books that I haven’t mentioned yet– there are Jedi books– and splits, planning on going to Kylo Ren and confronting him, either killing him or turning him in the process.

(Oh, and in a Moment!  Of!  Foreshadowing!, Kylo comments that projecting himself across the galaxy in the manner that either he or Rey appear to be doing really ought to require enough power to kill one of them.)

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That is a very red throne room.

PART THIRTEEN: I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS

Luke is alone and abandoned and furious, and he storms off to the Jedi Tree, which never really got explained but was where he kept the Jedi books, intending to destroy the entire thing.  And then… Yoda.

Force Ghost Yoda.

I didn’t know Yoda was gonna be in this movie.  I kinda had some feelings, seeing Yoda in this movie.  And Yoda stops Luke from destroying the Tree, by hitting it with Force lightning and doing it himself.  He’s very much the impish Yoda from ESB here, taunting Luke with the idea that old Jedi books and old Jedi trees are really something important that needs to be preserved.  I really wanted a callback to the line Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter, and didn’t get it.  And it is entirely possible that I wiped a tear or two away during their conversation.  I ain’t saying.  But Yoda kinda gets Luke’s head back on straight, and they sit and watch the Tree burn together.

PART FOURTEEN: HAVE I MENTIONED THIS IS THE LONGEST STAR WARS MOVIE EVER?  BECAUSE MY WRISTS ARE STARTING TO HURT, GUYS.

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Rey isn’t subtle about landing on Snoke’s ship, and Kylo Ren grabs her almost immediately, taking her up to the Red Room to meet the boss.  Snoke is insanely powerful in the Force, slapping her around whenever he likes, including one fun part where he lets her snatch her lightsaber from him, then Force-pushes it past her boomerang-style and clocks her on the back of the head on the way back to him.  She not only can’t hurt him, she can’t get close to him, and he’s pretty clear that killing her is how Kylo completes his training.  He lets her try and grab her lightsaber from him a couple more times, and then sets it next to him on his throne while he sits back and emotes evilly at Kylo Ren to kill her.

At which point Kylo ignites Rey’s lightsaber, still sitting on the throne next to Snoke, and cuts him the fuck in half.

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No, seriously.  Cuts him the fuck in half.  Darth Maul-style.  And his top half slides off the lower half, and he is dead as hell, guys, they aren’t screwing around with this at all, and it’s at least the third time this movie has blown my fucking mind.

And then Snoke’s eight guards, the dudes in red armor who, as it turns out, probably should have been standing closer to their boss if they wanted to be useful, all attack Kylo and Rey, and the fight is amazing, and it ends with one of them getting sucked into some sort of… mechanical thing?  Which isn’t really very good for the ship?  And everything’s on fire, and blowing up, at least partially because of stuff going on in the A and B plots, and then there’s a brief and very intense fight and conversation between Kylo and Rey, which includes him forcing her to admit that her parents were nobodies, that they were poor scavenger trash who probably sold her for beer money, and she says it out loud, which clearly kinda kills her soul.  The fight ends with an amazing Force battle over Luke’s lightsaber, which gets stuck in between them and then explodes, knocking Ren unconscious.  Rey gets away, stealing Snoke’s personal shuttle and meeting back up with Chewie on the Falcon.

A lot of people are taking this revelation more seriously than I would think they should.  I mean, okay, my Rey is Luke’s Daughter theory is pretty much shot out of the water, but there’s no reason to believe that Ren actually knows anything here or that he’s doing anything other than screwing with her head here.  Dude has not exactly shown himself to be trustworthy, right?

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PART FIFTEEN: WHY’S THE SHIP ON FIRE, ANYWAY?

Because Amilyn Holdo, in a last-ditch attempt to save the Resistance, has turned the Raddus around and rammed Snoke’s ship while entering lightspeed.  Let’s back up: Finn and Rose are captured, and Benicio del Toro has not only betrayed them but has dropped a dime on Poe’s stupid plan, and the First Order is picking escape pods out of the sky.  The Resistance, by this point, is down to just a few dozen people at most, and they’re on their way down to Crait.  Finn and Rose were seconds away from being executed– oh, Phasma’s alive, by the way– when all the ‘sploding happened, and Finn and Phasma fight, and for a brief second they let us think that Phasma’s dropped him into some sort of pit, because Star Wars still doesn’t have OSHA, but then he clocks her upside the face with the butt of a rifle or something and actually breaks her mask open, and then the ground opens up beneath her and she falls to her death.

OR DOES SHE???

I don’t care, she’s Boba Fett II.  Anyway, Rose and Finn get away and head for Crait.  Rey gets away and heads for Crait.  And Commander Hux finds Kylo Ren unconscious right next to Snoke’s bisected body, surrounded by some very messily lightsabered dead guard bodies.  Hux’s hand, very slowly, drifts to his blaster, but before he can make the decision to kill Ren, Ren wakes up.  I don’t remember Hux’s exact line– it might just be “What HAPPENED here?”, but oh God it’s totally this .gif:

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Hux doesn’t believe Ren’s story about how Rey killed everybody and overpowered him for a single second, but there’s more important shit to do and the ship’s busy blowing up around him, so it’s time for the endgame.  To Crait!

PART SIXTEEN: ENDGAME

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Crystal foxes are awesome.

And now, the last stand of Leia Organa and her immortals: holed up in an abandoned Rebel base on the salt-encrusted planet of Crait, with thirteen rickety speeders and some heavy weaponry against this bullshit:

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If you look carefully, you can see some regular AT-ATs mixed in with these new school gorilla-knuckle-walkin’ heavy bastards.  Point is, they’re huge.  And they’ve detached the cannon from some big ship bastard and are planning on using it to melt the giant metal door that is the only think in between the Resistance and certain death.

Leia sends out a distress signal.  No one responds.

Finn tries to sacrifice himself to take the gun out, and Rose stops him.  There’s a brief declaration of love on her part, but she’s damn near unconscious when she says it and I’m going to choose to pretend it’s not real, because… nah.  I like Rose too much to believe she fell in love with Finn’s dumb ass over the course of their trip to Canto Bight.  Call it headcanon if you have to.

Point is, the Resistance is screwed.

(I’m passing over some stuff.  There’s shooting, guys, this is at 3000 words again.)

And then Luke is there.  And he’s apparently had time to have a haircut.  And I swear to God he’s deliberately dressed like Anakin:

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He meets Leia, and kisses her on the forehead, and gives her Han’s dice from the Falcon.  And then he goes out to meet his destiny, buying the Resistance soldiers time to follow the crystal foxes (roll with it) out of the hidden back entrance to the base.

Kylo and Hux are in the cockpit of his shuttle, commanding the battle.  And Kylo loses his mind when he sees Luke, standing alone in front of the base, his feet leaving no footprints in the salt, bare-handed.  He orders every First Order vehicle to open fire on him, and lets the shooting go on for probably a full minute.  Hux tries to stop him and is unceremoniously Force-slammed into a bulkhead for his trouble, not to be seen in the film again.

When the shooting stops, Luke is unscathed, waiting.  It’s an outstanding moment.

Kylo Ren meets him on the ground, alone.  Luke ignites his lightsaber– his blue lightsaber.  And there is a brief exchange of lightsaber blows, and I can’t honestly say I remember for sure but I’m pretty certain the blades clash at at least a couple of points.

And then Kylo Ren charges Luke, and whips his blade through his midsection… with no effect at all.  Because Luke is still on Ach-To, which he’s sworn to never leave, and where he’s sworn to die, and Ren is fighting a Force projection.  And Rey, who Luke proclaims as the last of the Jedi, is freeing the remnants of the Resistance through the back exit of the base, moving tons of rock aside to do so.

They are the spark that will ignite the hope of the galaxy, Luke’s specter tells Kylo Ren.  And then, on Ach-To, he disappears, joining the Force, his robes fluttering to the ground around him.

Elsewhere, at Canto Bight, a young slave boy is entertaining several other children, telling the story of a battle between good and evil, using straw dolls as toys.  His master comes in angry, and the boy flees.  In the faithier stables, he looks at the ring on his finger, a ring that bears the symbol of the New Republic.

And then he calls his broom to his hand and begins to sweep the stable.

Roll credits.

I loved this fucking movie, guys.  I almost don’t want Episode Nine now, because it’s JJ again, and JJ’s going to fuck everything up.  Rian Johnson gets his own Star Wars trilogy all to himself that he can do whatever he wants with.  I am so, so, so in.

And now I’m going to go ice my wrists for a while.

What the Hell Am I Doing Right Now: a spoiler #review of STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI

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Luke, reading idiot fanboy responses to LAST JEDI

Okay. I have no idea how long this post is going to be. My review of THE FORCE AWAKENS was like a hojillion words long and dissected every second of the movie that I could remember. I don’t think I have the energy to do that right now; it took serious loin-girding to just get this first paragraph written. So I might run out of steam a few paragraphs in and I might still be sitting here in front of my computer typing away in two hours. We’ll see.

One thing for sure:  I’m going to be spoiling the shit out of everything I talk about.  You should have seen the damn movie by now, and if you read this you’re going to find out a whole lot of shit you didn’t know.  And, seriously?  There hasn’t been a Star Wars movie you more wanted to go into blind since EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.  Don’t read this unless you’ve either seen the movie or you’ve decided you’re not going to see the movie and want to know what all the fooferol is about.

One more picture, and then spoilers ho…

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PART ONE: SO LET’S TALK ABOUT LUKE

So here’s the thing: you can’t really discuss this movie properly without going directly at its most controversial element: Luke Skywalker.  When I walked out of FORCE AWAKENS, I was already annoyed with the way the film treated the big three from the original trilogy.  Most of that, honestly, was Harrison Ford’s fault; the only part of him that has done any acting in the last two decades is his left index finger and his “Han Solo as doddering old man” act absolutely did not work for me.  I wasn’t happy with him and Leia being separated, and the general sense that the last few minutes of ROTJ were the last happy moment of these people’s lives didn’t wear well with me.

So: Luke Skywalker has spent decades rotting away on an island on Ach-To, mingling with Porgs and milking space walruses and being cared for by leftover puppets from THE DARK CRYSTAL, cut off from the Force and planning to die.  When Rey meets him and hands him his lightsaber, he snorts and tosses it over his shoulder, and if he’s built himself another one (or if he even still has his green one) at no point in the movie do we ever see it.  He initially utterly refuses to train Rey or help the Resistance at all, and while he eventually backs off a bit on those promises it’s only halfhearted.  There’s a scene where he has her sit on a rock and closes her eyes and tells her to reach out with her feelings and tell him if she feels anything.  She literally reaches out; he tickles her hand with a blade of grass and then smacks her with it when she mistakes that for the Force.

Luke has a couple of very interesting lines.  One, from the trailers, is to tell Rey “This is not going to go how you think,” and fuck me dead if he isn’t talking to the audience with that line.  The line about the Jedi needing to die from the trailer is not out of context; Luke is done with the order, done with the concept of Jedi and their “laser swords” (his words!) and their moving rocks.  He’s a broken old man, and he wants to be left alone to die.

His other most interesting line is when he asks Rey if she’s foolish enough to believe that the Jedi own a Force that binds the universe and all living things together.

There are (and it’s at this point where I realize that there’s no chance that this thing isn’t a million words long, or that it tells the story of the film in anything resembling a coherent manner) people who will tell you that their Luke would never have made the decisions that this character has.  Mark Hamill himself, famously, told Rian Johnson that he disagreed with every single character choice that Johnson made about Luke, and he played the hell out of the character anyway.  I never thought I’d say these words, but I want Hamill nominated for an Academy Award.  He is astounding.  Look at his goddamn face in that picture up there.  And this is not a movie that lacks for good acting!  Johnson gets spectacular performances out of damn near everyone, but Hamill is head and shoulders above everyone else in the film.

Now, if you’re one of those people, I’m not going to be able to talk you out of that feeling.  If you didn’t like the choices the filmmakers made with Luke, you’re gonna have a bad time with this movie.  There’s no two ways about it, and we haven’t discussed his mistakes with Ben Solo yet.  All I can say is that Hamill sells this character so hard and so well that I couldn’t help but buy it.  He’s so good, guys.

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PART TWO: A BRIEF NOTE ABOUT PORGS

Shut up.  The scene where Chewbacca is trying to eat a porg is hilarious– any time Chewbacca is sharing screen time with a porg is hilarious, in fact– and you shut your stupid fanboy mouth about them.  If you aren’t used to the occasional cute comic relief beast on the screen by now you aren’t actually a Star Wars fan, because they’re in damn near every movie, and I don’t want to hear the noises your mouth makes.

PART THREE: A BRIEF NOTE ABOUT THE ALIEN WALRUS MILK-BEAST

Shut up.

No, seriously, shut up.  For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, there’s a scene on Ach-To early in the film, perhaps five seconds long, where Luke, studiously avoiding talking to Rey, walks up to a beast that looks like a combination of a walrus and Watto from PHANTOM MENACE and literally milks a space Thermos of green milk out of it.  And then he drinks some, and gets milk on his beard.  Fanboys are so angry about the milk-beast!

It’s ten seconds.  Shut up.

PART FOUR: WHAT’S THE MOVIE ACTUALLY ABOUT?

Right, the plot.

The movie’s about hope.  Dassit.  It’s about clinging to hope during the worst of imaginable times, and this movie very much is the lowest point a lot of these people have been brought to.  It’s the final word of ROGUE ONE spread out to an entire movie.  It’s about, in new character Rose Tico’s words, saving what you love instead of destroying what you hate.

Oh, specifically?

It’s a nightmare two-and-a-half-hour chase scene, where an implacable, indestructible enemy is right behind you, and if he catches you he will kill you, and you cannot get away no matter what you do.

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Okay, that’s not specific enough.  The film begins right as the previous one ended, with the First Order forces trying to mop up the last of the Resistance on… hell, whatever planet they were on, I don’t remember.  All the Resistance is trying to do is escape, and Poe Dameron leads an attack on the largest of the First Order ships that ends up going disastrously wrong, destroying the enemy ship but costing the Resistance their entire bombing fleet and a whole shitton of smaller fighters in the process.  There is a great scene where Snoke, unhappy with General Hux’s inability to wipe the Resistance out, slams him to the floor using the Force and then drags him to face his oversized hologram the way you might drag a recalcitrant puppy on a leash.  Snoke is not shy about slapping people around with the Force in this movie, and he’s an order of magnitude more powerful than anyone we’ve seen onscreen before.

At any rate: Dameron disobeys direct orders from Leia to keep up the attack on the Dreadnought, and despite his technical success when they meet on the Resistance flagship she slaps him in the face and demotes him on the spot.  Yes, technically he won, but he broke the chain of command to do it, and he cost the Resistance a ton of lives– something they can’t spare right now.

This will, uh, prove to be a theme.

And then they emerge from lightspeed, and… moments later, so does the First Order, having followed them through lightspeed, something previously not possible.  Somewhere in here Finn wakes up, in his bacta suit, and his first words to Poe, leaking fluid everywhere and clearly not having learned that No One Saves Rey, are “Where’s Rey?”

On Ach-To, of course, but we’ve already talked about that.

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At this point the movie becomes a slow-motion chase scene, and this is another point where people are upset and I just don’t get it.  The Resistance ships are able to stay just out of fighter range, just far enough away from the First Order that laser bombardment isn’t going to get through their shields but not far enough to actually get away, and without enough fuel to survive a second lightspeed jump– especially since the First Order can follow them now anyway.  So the First Order ships, now including Snoke’s massive capital ship, just continue to follow them until they run out of fuel, picking off ships as the ships lose the ability to continue running away.

If you’re all “Why didn’t they just call in reinforcements in front of them?” here, I’d like to submit that you’re missing the point.  They’ve got the entire Resistance effectively under siege, here.  All they have to do is keep chasing them and wait for them to die.  There’s no need to do anything else, and you have the advantage of crushing their spirits along the way.  Anyone who has ever had a nightmare about being hunted should recognize this feeling; it’s Star Wars as slasher movie.  The enemy is implacable and cannot be defeated; they’re just going to wait until you’re too tired to fight anymore before they finally kill you off, because it’s more fun that way.

(Oh, I forgot: Somewhere in here– before they jump, I think?  Leia is badly injured and Ackbar is killed.  Leia’s actually ejected into deep space and appears to use the Force to pull herself back onto the ship, where Dameron rescues her and tosses her into a hospital bed.  You are forgiven if, as I did, you think oh, this is how they’re coping with the fact that Carrie Fisher died.  It’s kinda bad CGI; I feel like they should have come up with a better way to get her back on the ship, and a rare misstep in the movie.)

Oh, eventually there’s a plan, because of course there is.  And let’s talk about the plan.

PART FIVE: OKAY, CANTO BIGHT’S NOT GREATcanto-bight-998681-1280x0.jpg

Specifically, there are two plans, but we’ll talk about the second one in a bit.  Finn is an idiot, have I mentioned that?  He’s a well-meaning idiot, but the clear no one saves Rey lesson from the first movie hasn’t really sunk in with him yet, and not long after he’s out of his bacta suit we see him trying to steal an escape pod to go find Rey.

Enter Rose Tico!  Rose is one of the film’s two new major characters, and she’s generally pretty awesome.  Important detail: her sister was one of the people who Poe Dameron got killed in the bombing run on the Dreadnought, and processing the loss of her sister turns out to be one of her bigger motivations as a character.  Anyway, she’s… what, a mechanic, I think?  And she catches Finn trying to escape the ship, and she hits him with a Tazer, and the next thing we know she’s hauling his barely-conscious ass through the ship on a cargo skid trying to find someone to report him to for desertion.  She finds Poe, and somehow Poe ends up in a hilarious little conversation with hologram-form Maz Kanata, and Maz suggests that they find themselves a slicer (she’s in the middle of a firefight, a “union dispute” through the whole thing, and I want that movie too) and maybe a good place to look might be the casino resort on Canto Bight, which isn’t too far away.  The slicer will get them onto Snoke’s ship and disable the tracker– sound familiar?– and the Resistance can jump away before the First Order realizes they can’t follow.

So, Canto Bight is supposed to be this film’s answer to Mos Eisley, I suppose, except fantastically wealthy, and it’s probably the flabbiest part of the film.  Poe stays behind to run interference and Rose and Finn head off to Canto Bight.  Long story short: I enjoyed this sequence more than most people probably did because I read Canto Bight, the Star Wars novella collection that came out right before the film did, and so I had some context that movie viewers lacked.  It’s bad form to say “read this unrelated book before seeing the movie,” but I also can’t personally unread the book before I do, so it didn’t bug me as much.

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So, again, long story short in a big way: they end up getting arrested just after locating Kanata’s slicer but before making contact with him, and they meet Benicio del Toro in jail (his character is never once named, which is kinda annoying) and well it turns out he’s a hacker too so that’s cool.  There’s an interesting subtheme going on here about income inequality and arms dealers and the mass concentration of wealth that Canto Bight represents, but that’s probably something for another post.  And there is a giant chase scene on faithier-back, and if you don’t know what a faithier is imagine a racing moose with smaller horns and you’re close enough.  There’s also a cool bit where Rose points out that the Resistance is about extending hope to the downtrodden even when the First Order isn’t doing the downtrodding, and she ends up giving a Republic-seal ring to a little kid who mucks faithier stalls for a living, a scene that may be important later.

So, yeah.  They leave Canto Bight with Benicio del Toro and head back to the chase scene.

PART SIX: HAVE I MENTIONED THAT GREG GRUNBERG ISN’T IN THIS MOVIE?

He’s not.  Not one second of Greg Grunberg or his stupid Greg Grunberg face.  He still throws me out of FORCE AWAKENS every time I see it and I’m so glad Johnson didn’t give him even a background part in this one.

PART SEVEN: DUDE YOU’RE AT 2500 WORDS AND HAVEN’T TALKED ABOUT KYLO REN YET

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Oh god.

This is the part where it hits me that this needs to be two posts.  Still to be discussed:

  • Everything involving Snoke
  • Everything involving Kylo Ren
  • Most of Rey’s arc
  • Yoda is in this movie
  • All of Crait
  • I have not mentioned Amilyn Holdo yet
  • Finn and Rose’s attack on Snoke’s ship

And I’ve written 2500 words and okay the TFA review ended up being over six thousand but I have stuff to do today.  I haven’t even showered yet and it’s two PM.

Ugh.

I’m rolling now, though.  I’ll get the rest up soon.  Yell at me in the comments, for now.

goddammit

So I literally just realized this a few minutes ago, while on the toilet, no less: I’ve been hemming and hawing about writing the TLJ review– have been actively avoiding doing it, in fact– because Star Wars fandom has been showing their collective asses in a big, big way this week, and oh Jesus Christ am I so very tired of Star Wars fans.

I used to love y’all.  You used to be my people.  I spent three fucking days in line for Episode One, and it still ranks as a treasured memory.  We all had a blast.

It was the last time being a Star Wars fan was fun.

Look at this nonsense for a second:

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The person who put this together does not remember spending three years wondering if Vader was really Luke’s father, guys.  If you want to talk about divisive Star Wars movies, we can start with that shit.  And I am tired, so very fucking tired, of people taking an entertainment franchise that goes in a different direction than they expected and interpreting it as a very personal Attack on Their Childhood.

Fuck your childhood.

(Another reason I haven’t written the piece yet: there’s a piece going around called The Last Jedi Doesn’t Care What You Think About Star Wars– And That’s Why It’s Great. Chances are you’ve seen it, since I imagine anyone reading this is pretty much guaranteed to be some flavor of geek anyway. I coulda written that article, guys, and it’s kinda thrown a monkeywrench into me writing my own piece.)

But anyway.

I loved the goddamn movie.  Loved the goddamn movie, and having waited a week to talk about it has not cooled my ardor, nor has it caused me to abandon the fact that I’ve apparently managed to deem two Star Wars movies in a row my new favorite Star Wars movie.  I have!  It’s true.  And my favorite behind those two?  Fuck you, it’s Return of the Jedi, considered the least of the Original Trilogy films by the type of person who claims to be a Star Wars fan but when pressed will tell you they hate every single one of the films except for ANH and Empire.

So, yeah.  Fuck those guys.  I’m tired of Star Wars fans.

But I loved the movie.  Maybe now that I’ve got this bullshit off my chest, I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.

STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI: The spoiler-free #review

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I begin so many of my reviews this way, but I think it’s important enough that I keep repeating it: I tend to get caught up in my own head when I really like something or when I really hate it, and it’s generally good for me to give myself a few days to think about something before expressing an opinion on it.  This is me three hours out of the theater.  When I write the spoiler review, which I’ll try to get done Sunday but could be any time after today, my opinions may be somewhat different.   Most of y’all know this about me.  The rest of you: FYI.

(And, for the record, The Force Awakens has only sunk in my estimation since seeing it, and Rogue One may be my favorite Star Wars movie.)

This is, of course, the spoiler-free version.  I will spoil every last plot point in the next review.

Here are the three worst things about The Last Jedi:

  • Rian Johnson is not directing Episode Nine;
  • There is not a trailer for the Han Solo movie before it;
  • About five seconds of dodgy CGI involving Leia, but not the kind of dodgy Leia CGI from the end of Rogue One.  Different dodgy CGI.

I walked out of TFA generally pleased with it but with a list of what at the time I thought were minor complaints.  I am, right now, hard pressed to come up with a single substantive whine about TLJ other than the aforementioned five seconds of dodgy CGI.  I struggled very hard to avoid using the word “perfect” in the car on the way home, and then failed and did it anyway.

I fucking loved this movie.  Loved every fucking second of it.  Loved things about it that at the moment I cannot explain why I loved, since some of the things I loved about this movie were things I hated about TFA.

I want Mark Hamill– Mark fucking Hamill— nominated for a Best Actor Oscar.  One of the things I will still praise unto death from TFA is the quality of the performances.  Mark’s performance in this movie makes them all look like amateurs.  He’s amazing.

Every last moment of TFA was telegraphed and expected.  The movie was more or less a point-by-point remake of A New Hope.  This movie took me by surprise on at least half a dozen different occasions.  Not a damn thing went like I thought it was going to.  That line from Luke in the trailer, where he says “This is not going to go the way you think”?  He’s talking to the audience.  I have, right now, no idea where Episode IX is going to go.  None.

So, yeah.  Right now: absolutely goddamned brilliant, and you should be running-not-walking to theaters to see this movie.  I hope I still feel the same way in a couple of days.

(Oh, one more thing: not one second of useless, stupid fanservice, unlike a solid 20% of TFA and several of the worst moments of R1.  Which may be my favorite thing about the movie.)

(One more thing– a very minor spoiler: neither Greg Grunberg nor his stupid Greg Grunberg face appear in this movie!  Which is wonderful!)

Internet blackout

I’ve been trying as best I can to stay away from the computer for the last couple of days on account of a Star War happening in the very near future, a Star War that I would prefer to go into knowing nothing about.  You may recall my review of The Force Awakens; yes, you can expect a similarly exhaustive post about Last Jedi once I’ve had a chance to digest it.

In the meantime, appreciate this fucking tour de force from Black Thought, who is an insane magical marvel of lyricism and breath control. This man apparently takes in oxygen through his skin: