In which I get to vote in five days

On October 7, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn PoliticsLeave a comment

Indiana opens up early in-person voting next Wednesday, which is the 12th. Conveniently, Wednesday is my short day and I’m off work at 2:30, and I will immediately be heading downtown and voting. There’s one more debate between now and then; I’ll try and watch it because that’s what I do, but fuck it; as little of a chance as there ever was that I would vote for a Republican for President at any point in my life, there is so much less of a chance in 2016 that it’s a whole new level of no chance. As much as I hated George W. Bush, I feel like I could come up with theoretical reasons why one might choose to vote for him. Same for McCain and Romney, although I can’t pretend to have been especially fond of either of them and Sarah Palin was probably the biggest deal-breaker this side of Trump himself.

There is no reason to vote for Donald Trump other than bigotry. None. If you are a racist, a sexist, or both, he may appeal to you; I assume you still might prefer to not die in a nuclear explosion and you still ought to vote for Clinton anyway if only to preserve your worthless white hide. If your bigotry is literally worth more than your own life, vote for him, but do me a favor and try your best to never cross my path as long as you live, as I don’t want to know you exist.

I am looking forward to this election being over. I am also looking forward to a Clinton presidency, despite knowing that the #1 rule of the Republicans is They Can Always Sink Lower Than This. They’ll find a way. But I will try and remain optimistic and hope that this election will be the one that drains the pus out of their political party. I would like to have a sane opposition.

One way or another, my part in all this will be done in five days.

John Adams doesn’t have a real job anyway: in which I liveblog (most of) the #VPDebate

On October 4, 2016October 4, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Politics1 Comment

8:43: I get home from work.

8:44: I put on my Jackass wristband.

8:45: I give my son many goodnight hugs.

8:55: I am comfortably ensconced on my couch eating cold Taco Bell and swigging Mountain Dew. LET’S DO THIS SHIT.

9:00: Sweet Jesus, is the next damn debate Sunday night? I have a sad.

9:01: Shut up, Jeffrey Lord. You’re a stupid white person and the fact that you’re on CNN is absolute unambiguous proof of white privilege and the upraising of white mediocrity. Whitey.

9:02: I don’t even know who this yahoo is, but he just called Mike Pence “moderate-seeming.” Uh. No. Not even fucking close, asshole.

9:04: I have no idea who Elaine Quijano is, for the record. I’ve never heard of her and would not recognize her. There will not, I predict, be nine segments.

9:06: KAINE HAS MORE WATER THAN PENCE! MEDIA BIAS!

9:07: Pence has his Listening Face on. Have I ever mentioned that I’m distantly related to that asshole? Because I’m distantly related to that asshole. I feel like Kaine isn’t answering the question but I can’t take my eyes off Pence. He’s really dumb, guys, and he’s got that Jessica Simpson “can’t look away from the dumb” thing going on right now.

9:10: God I wanted to make fun of something Pence said just now but I’ve forgotten it already. My brain cells are leaking out of my ears and flying toward the screen. I think they’re trying to help.

9:11: “Senator Kaine, why does everyone hate Hillary Clinton?” I rather hope that the next question will be just as loaded. Kaine’s talking really quickly. Chill, dude.

9:12: I note that the next question is basically just as loaded, so okay. Pence completely ignores the question to talk about Clinton’s foreign policy.

9:14: A bunch of back-and-forth bickering as Pence completely refuses to defend his running mate and attacks Clinton instead. C’mon, dude! Just lie!

9:16: The moderator may as well not even be there. Pence balanced his budget on the backs of schools, by the way. Schools have been wrecked since he took office; he’s continued his predecessor’s record quite nicely in that respect.

9:18: Second time he’s said “War on Coal,” a phrase Trump never uttered once.

9:20: I like the phrase “debt-free college.” Pence has this weirdly condescending facial expression going on but Kaine’s kinda coming off as a yapping puppy.

9:22: I would like Pence to answer the question. He’s actually trying valiantly by now but he’s also trying to pretend that running casinos in the mid-90s was a really difficult thing to do.

9:25: Financial disclosures ARE NOT tax returns.

9:26: She’s doing a decent job of running through the questions– we’re on part 3 right now– but she’s not actually doing a lot of moderating. And while I don’t like treating these things like they’re entertainment I’m actually really bored right now. It was a really goddamn long day, guys.

9:28: Pence, who I will note I have already described as trainable, is actually doing a quite good job of seeming sane and reasonable. That said, let’s talk about race now, so if he’s gonna fuck up the next couple of minutes are going to be where it happens.

9:29: My dog just farted. Appropriate.

9:31: Twitter’s moving way slower tonight than it was during the first debate. I don’t understand why the moderator says we’re going to talk about race relations and then immediately moves into why we’re being too mean to police.

9:32: “At the risk of agreeing with you…” Okay, Mike, that was sorta funny. A little.

9:33: The national FOP endorsed Trump because they’re a quasi-fascist organization and they know they’ll get to be the brownshirts during his administration.

9:34: Pence appears to believe that basically the entire Black Lives Matter movement is an example of the Negroes making stuff up.

9:37: Do you think they fought over who got to wear the red tie and who got to wear the blue tie?

9:38: I am seriously having trouble paying attention to either of them. I think Mike Pence might have just suggested that inner-city African-Americans might have been asking for stop and frisk. Are you fucking kidding me? He couldn’t have said that; my brain hasn’t died. No way.

9:40: My son gets up for the fourteenth fucking time. It doesn’t go well for him. He’s crying now.

9:41: IT IS NOT AN INSULT TO REPEAT THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID ON VIDEO. DONALD TRUMP SAID EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE FUCKING THINGS. REPEATING HIS EXACT FUCKING WORDS IS NOT AN INSULT. I’M FUCKING TIRED OF THIS HORSESHIT.

9:43: I gotta go deal with the boy. Might be back.

9:47: During my attempt to console my son/ convince him to keep his ass in bed for the rest of the night, he inadvertently kicks me in the balls. He’s insisting that one of us need to sleep with him. I am suddenly not in the mood for any of this at all.

9:50: Kaine helpfully explains to Pence that the Pentagon is in Virginia. It’s not very funny and yet it’s the funniest thing that’s happened tonight.

9:54: Yeah, okay, I want to be in bed reading a book. Everyone in my house is in a shitty mood and I had a long-ass day and screw these guys, I’m going home. I made it through two-thirds; that’s enough.

tumblr_inline_mls5uzpvjx1qz4rgp

A couple of mild predictions regarding tomorrow’s debate

On October 3, 2016October 3, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Politics4 Comments

IN full accordance with basically every single word I’ve said about the arc of this presidential campaign, the polls have been moving rather decisively back toward Clinton since she wiped her ass with Trump’s hairpiece in the first debate. Which I also knew she was going to do.

I will be liveblogging the debate tomorrow night as well. I expect the general spin afterward to be that Pence won, mostly because Pence is better than Trump at seeming to not be a rat-turd of a human being and Trump’s performance is what he’s going to be judged against.

And, if I’m being honest, Pence is less of a rat-turd of a human being than Trump. He would be a historically awful Vice President, but Trump will be the worst President currently imaginable and Pence, thank God, doesn’t rise to that level. Make no mistake, Pence is a deeply stupid human being– he makes George W. Bush look well-educated and intellectual by comparison– but he’s generally trainable and he doesn’t have enough of a personality to come off as as psychotic as his boss. Kaine is almost irrelevant to the proceedings, honestly; he’ll do fine, he’ll probably get a couple of decent jabs in at Trump, but the story’s going to be how much better Pence looked than Trump did. I expect the polls to, if not tighten, at least stop moving so impressively in Clinton’s direction for a week or so, and then the townhall debate will hit and it’ll start all over again. If Trump even shows up; I’ll give even money that he doesn’t, and I’d be genuinely surprised if he appears for the third.

Anyway. More Luke Cage to watch. See you tomorrow.

I’ll kill your friends and family to remind you of my love: In which I liveblog the #2016Debate

On September 26, 2016September 26, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Politics11 Comments

wegotthis Oh god just kill me now

FOR THE RECORD, I’m gonna be reuploading this every, oh, I dunno, ten minutes. It will update frequently. Feel free to do whatever in between hitting reload all the time.

8:47: In a move that will be meaningless to all but a very small number of you who have been following me for decades, I put on my Jackass wristband.

8:56: I realize that CNNGo isn’t working and briefly scramble to get it back on again.

8:57: Is Lester Holt Matt Lauer? Is that the same person? Oh, God, what am I doing?

8:59: Dear God, an hour and a half? No commercials? This liter of pop I have sitting next to me is going to be a problem one way or another, isn’t it? Some dipshit CNN commentator admits that the first 15 minutes are the most important because the other dipshits who have his job are going to start writing their stories right away.

9:02: Shouldn’t they have started by now? C’mon. I don’t wanna listen to these dumb CNN people any more. I wanna listen to other dumb people, like the moderator, and the vulgar Cheeto. Oh, and occasionally throw Hamilton lyrics into the liveblog, because I’m behind the times and just got into that.

9:03: The nationwide polls aren’t a dead heat, Wolf. Hillary has been ahead the entire time and Trump has never been ahead once.

9:04: Woo here we go. Are we sure this isn’t Matt Lauer?

9:o6: God help me, my first thought is “Why did she wear that?” I’m a bad person. I am vaguely surprised that Trump’s tie isn’t red.

9:08: Hillary starts by surprising me, not spending the first several minutes talking about thanking people. I’ve already forgotten what the first question is before she really starts talking. Jobs. I dunno.

9:09: Dummy has his Serious Face on. Hillary is a little hesitant at first; I’m assuming she’ll hit her stride in a bit.

9:10: He relies on Terk Err Jerrbs, which isn’t surprising. I already suspect the story of the night will be Trump sniffling. He’s actually giving a half-decent answer to the question, up to the point where he says we have to stop companies from taking our companies.

9:12: “Trumped-up trickle-down” isn’t funny and she almost forgot what it was before she said it. Hits him right away with inheriting money from his dad. Is she standing on the left on the stage? She’s looking offscreen the way CNN has things set up.

9:13: Oh, this’ll be fun; she’s under his skin already. Back to the breathing. The “small loan” from his father was millions. He’s talking faster and sniffling more. My wife says he has a cold.

9:16: “That’s called business, by the way.” Oh, this is gonna be fun.

9:18: He’s tried to interrupt her two or three times and she’s treating him like he’s not even there. He’s not gonna make it through the entire debate if this keeps up.

9:21: Dude can’t stand still. I haven’t looked at Twitter. I take a second to do that and see that people are already RTing where Trump blamed global warming on the Chinese. Now he’s trying to holler over her. It’s not going to work. I seriously thought the guy would last more than 20 minutes before he started falling apart.

9:25: “I’m going to cut taxes big-league, and you’re going to raise taxes big-league.” Sure, dude. She plugs the fact-checker on her website and my wife audibly starts laughing.

9:26: “You’ve been fighting ISIS your entire adult life.” Huh?

9:27: I go to both Clinton’s website and Trump’s. Clinton’s website, yes, has a fact-checker. Trump’s is down. Every answer he’s talking faster than the one before. He’s stopped sniffling for some reason.

9:29: Man, searches for “Donald Trump tiny hands” return a cornucopia of riches.

9:31: I’m really not sure what “the worst recovery since the Depression” actually means.

9:32: Ruh-roh. Lester Lauer is bringing up Trump’s taxes and who he may or may not be in debt to. My wife notes that Trump’s skin looks surprisingly normal.

9:33: Whoa. Lauer directly points out that the IRS has stated nothing is stopping him from releasing his taxes. Whoopsie!

9:35: The knives are out. “That makes me smart,” he says in response to Hillary claiming he’s paid no federal taxes. That was the wrong answer, dude.

9:37: I’m kinda surprised that he kept his mouth shut the whole time she was eviscerating his ass about his taxes.

9:38: Someone Tweets at me saying “It’s like watching a lion rape a sheep only in a bad way.” Which I laugh at and then feel bad about.

9:39: Imagine if any Democrat said we were a third world country. He’s done nothing this entire debate but talk about how terrible America is. But Colin Kaepernick is a problem.

. новый-коллаж__700.jpg 9:40: Oh shit. Oh shit. OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT. She’s going straight at his business dealings. Oh god I didn’t think this was going to be this much fun.

9:42: Any second now there will be video of Trump saying he’d negotiate down the debt. He keeps his mouth shut while she cuts him apart again. I hope she brings up the little kids who were singing at his rally and are now suing him.

9:44: “Let’s talk about race.” OH THIS SHOULD BE GOOD. LET’S DEFINITELY DO THIS.

9:45: Wait, I was gonna quote Hamilton as a joke. Uh… young, scrappy and hungry. Or something.

9:46: Say Black Lives Matter, Hillary. SAY IT.

9:47: My “Interesting People” list on Twitter is moving so fast I can’t even keep up. I can’t imagine what my full feed looks like. He got the FOP endorsement at least a week or two ago, not today.

9:48: Oh, good, let’s talk about taking guns away and stop and frisk. That will help you a lot. 2600 shootings in Chicago in 2016 so far, btw.

9:49: Matt Holt is actually doing a pretty good job so far of pointing out Trump’s bullshit. Holt points out th
at it was ruled unconstitutional and Trump flat-out denies it. Untrue. He’s back to sniffling again, btw.

9:51: My five-year-old son, who is supposed to be asleep, walks out into the living room to announce that he needs a drink, and looks at the TV and says “Is that Donald Trump?” HOW THE HELL DOES MY SON KNOW WHO DONALD TRUMP IS?

9:52: I’d like to hear the phrase “Systemic racism” from Hillary right now.

9:53: HOLY SHIT SHE SAID IT. My wife is demanding Law & Order memes. I swear I really did type that right before she said “systemic racism.”

9:54: Trump is about to call himself the least racist person who ever lived. Hitting update before he says it.

9:55: I’d like to point out that I thought Barack Obama lost his first debate against McCain and against Romney. So I’m generally not shy about saying it when I think Dems are losing debates. Hillary is grinding Trump into a thin orange paste right now and he’s STILL defending stop and frisk. Holy shit.

9:58: DANCE BREAK!

BYdPwg

10:00: “I was preparing for this debate. And I’m also prepared to be the President of the United States.” She’s been waiting for a chance to use that line. He has no response at all. He’s less manic now; he seems to be getting tired.

10:02: She’s about to cut his balls off again.

10:03: Have I made this clear yet? I will be proud as hell to vote for this woman.

10:04: He still hasn’t actually said “Barack Obama was born in the United States,” by the way.

10:05: That should have been an applause line. And Clinton’s team did nothing to advance the birther nonsense. I was paying really fucking close attention, goddammit. I would have noticed.

10:06: “Everyone got sued for it, and I settled the lawsuit without admission of guilt” is not a good defense, Donnie. I can’t believe he’s not actually bleeding at this point.

10:09: She’s leaving absolutely nothing on the table with this guy, and it’s all going to happen again twice more.

10:10: Who or what is Ice?

10:11: “As far as the cyber…”

10:12: Sure, let’s fat-shame nerds too while we’re at it, assholes.

10:13: How the fuck is ISIS beating us at the Internet? What the shit does that even mean? STOP SAYING CYBER. Does he even know how fucking stupid he sounds when he says that?

10:14: Holy shit, there’s only fifteen minutes left. This was actually fun. What the hell’s wrong with me?

10:15: The second I type that, my feed goes to shit. DAMMIT!

10:16: I get the feed back on and he’s yapping about “taking the oil” again. I have never had the slightest idea what the hell “take the oil” means. It ain’t like you can fly a giant biscuit over there and sop that shit up. You can’t do it. And he never gets called on it; I hope she does.

10:17: It occurs to me that maybe my Twitter feed is actually somehow killing my internet connection because it’s moving at Goddamn lightspeed. I shut it off.

10:19: I may have blacked out for a second. Why is he talking about NATO?

10:20: He’s pronounced “terror” three different ways in the last thirty seconds.

10:22: What the hell is this “no one wants to call Sean Hannity” nonsense about? They did an article in a major magazine? But he doesn’t mention the magazine? tumblr_nlsosxLH3C1tew7o3o1_1280.png.jpeg

10:23: He says he has a better temperament than Clinton does and there is audible laughter in the audience.

10:24: Ba-da-da DAT da! Dat da-da da DIE da da!

10:26: The weirdest thing about Trump tonight is how quiet he’s been while she’s been tearing him apart. I don’t know if his attention is wandering or what but there are places where he SHOULD have been interrupting just to try to knock her off her game. She just had two uninterrupted minutes and ripped his ass to shreds.

10:27: Seriously, how can he get away with constantly saying “We lose on everything!” and the Republicans just lap it up?

10:28: He doesn’t know what “the current policy” is, Lester.

10:29: I kinda hope Clinton points out that he has no idea what policy Holt is talking about. For the record, I actually don’t either, which is why I’m certain that Trump doesn’t.

10:31: IT’S PAST TEN THIRTY LESTERMATT HOLTLAUER WHY ARE WE NOT DONE YET

10:33: CALL ME SON ONE MORE TIME it may be time for bed

10:35: “Secretary Clinton, would you care to sautée Trump’s balls one more time?”

10:36: “Why yes, Lester, I would.”

10:37: Okay we’re way past OH WAIT HE CANNOT BE TALKING ABOUT ROSIE O’DONNELL my bedtime and maybe it should be time for these people to stop talking now. His defense just now appears to be “I was gonna say mean things but I decided not to.”

10:38: He really shouldn’t have had to ask that question. Trump, naturally, doesn’t answer the “Will you accept the result of the election?” question. (Wait. No. He does at the last second. Good.)

In summary:

giphy

In which I let you decide

On September 25, 2016September 25, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Blogwanking5 Comments

So, am I liveblogging the debate tomorrow night? Am I even going to watch the debate tomorrow night? Trump turns my stomach in a way no political candidate ever has (and I remember the Bush years very well, thank you) and I’m genuinely not sure I’m going to be able to make it through ninety minutes of his stupid, lying face. But I don’t miss debates. I don’t think I’ve missed watching a Presidential debate in my adult life, actually. And if I’m watching, I may as well liveblog the thing. Twitter, of course, is a given; I may as well fight with trolls while I’m at it.

So: liveblog? Or cover my eyes with my fingers and stay far away from social media?

A handful of quick (possibly unnecessary) reminders

On September 15, 2016September 15, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Politics2 Comments

The election was always going to tighten. It’s in between the conventions and the debates. The natural impulse is to revert to the mean.

The news media really, really, really wants this to be a horserace, so they’re going to do whatever they can to make it one.

National polls are meaningless and will remain so. We do not have a national election. Pay attention to the electoral college.

Donald Trump has no campaign and no ground game. He barely even got on the ballot in Minnesota. Early voting starts soon. It will matter.

Trump will be graded on the curviest curve that ever curved at the debates. Absolutely no matter what happens at the first debate, he will be named the winner if he does not shit himself. It will be declared a tie if he actually does shit himself. They will lose interest by the second (and third, if it happens) and the debates will widen Clinton’s lead again.

Tim Kaine will humiliate the fuck out of Mike Pence at the VP debate. Sadly, it will not matter.

Pay little or no attention to the Stein and Johnson campaigns, particularly the Stein campaign, as Jill Stein is an Internet troll and not even a credible candidate by third-party standards. They will not matter. I don’t care how they’re performing on the ballot right now. The election is still a month and a half away and their numbers will drop.

There has not been a single second so far where Donald Trump was in the lead. Not one.

When in doubt, consult this image, and remember 2008 and 2012, and remember that those folks are going to show up again.

Dassit.

A brief note on Gene Wilder

On August 31, 2016August 30, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn movies1 Comment

I know I’m a couple of days late, but: while I am not the world’s biggest Gene Wilder fan, and in fact I’m pretty sure I have never seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in its entirety, and in additional fact am suddenly not even entirely sure that’s the proper name of the film, I will always, always, always be grateful to him for this fucking sublime moment from Blazing Saddles:

I would kill to know how many takes this took. Cleavon Little is trying so hard to keep his shit together and Wilder is just torturing him. It’s the best moment in an entirely brilliant movie. RIP, Gene. And fuck you, 2016.

On America’s pasttime

On August 29, 2016August 28, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Stories3 Comments

This post will be of even less interest to the majority of you than usual, mostly because the vast majority of you aren’t local, but: I attended a AAA South Bend Cubs game at our local baseball parky-thingy Saturday night. The stadium has been there a long time, but I probably haven’t been to a game since high school. I remember enjoying the several games I went to, but “several” is probably the right word. And since college I have almost completely abandoned watching sports as a means of recreation. I know more than I pretend to a lot of the time but I literally can’t name a single currently working pro NFL or MLB player, probably not more than half a dozen NBA players, and not a single college athlete in any sport.

But anyway. There’s something about baseball stadiums, right? And I’ve never gotten to be in a skybox before, so being right behind home plate and in a spot where it was highly unlikely that I’d be hit by a fast-moving projectile was kinda cool. Plus, hey, cash bar that served free soft drinks and free catering. It was also a cool Dad Night, as my son knows nothing of baseball and had never been to a game, and I bought him a lightsaber to play with. He had fun too.

Local folks, if you haven’t found an excuse to see a game at Four Winds Field lately, go. Tickets are cheap and the experience is generally excellent, especially if you’re able to go on a night where there are fireworks. Just sit along the third base line so you can see them better. There are grassy fields to sit on in the outfield and bouncy houses for the littler kids and the usual concessions and all that other fun stuff. If you’re around, go. Even if you’re not into baseball, it’s a great way to spend a Saturday night.

Ran into a Trump supporter at work today, the first openly so individual I’ve actually encountered. I had to eventually stare him down and tell him that I didn’t discuss politics at work, and his wife clearly has grown to loathe him and his need to insert politics and crazypants into every conversation with every stranger he meets. I felt bad for her. He probably needs a therapist.

In other words, pretty much exactly who I thought he’d be.