8:43: I get home from work.
8:44: I put on my Jackass wristband.
8:45: I give my son many goodnight hugs.
8:55: I am comfortably ensconced on my couch eating cold Taco Bell and swigging Mountain Dew. LET’S DO THIS SHIT.
9:00: Sweet Jesus, is the next damn debate Sunday night? I have a sad.
9:01: Shut up, Jeffrey Lord. You’re a stupid white person and the fact that you’re on CNN is absolute unambiguous proof of white privilege and the upraising of white mediocrity. Whitey.
9:02: I don’t even know who this yahoo is, but he just called Mike Pence “moderate-seeming.” Uh. No. Not even fucking close, asshole.
9:04: I have no idea who Elaine Quijano is, for the record. I’ve never heard of her and would not recognize her. There will not, I predict, be nine segments.
9:06: KAINE HAS MORE WATER THAN PENCE! MEDIA BIAS!
9:07: Pence has his Listening Face on. Have I ever mentioned that I’m distantly related to that asshole? Because I’m distantly related to that asshole. I feel like Kaine isn’t answering the question but I can’t take my eyes off Pence. He’s really dumb, guys, and he’s got that Jessica Simpson “can’t look away from the dumb” thing going on right now.
9:10: God I wanted to make fun of something Pence said just now but I’ve forgotten it already. My brain cells are leaking out of my ears and flying toward the screen. I think they’re trying to help.
9:11: “Senator Kaine, why does everyone hate Hillary Clinton?” I rather hope that the next question will be just as loaded. Kaine’s talking really quickly. Chill, dude.
9:12: I note that the next question is basically just as loaded, so okay. Pence completely ignores the question to talk about Clinton’s foreign policy.
9:14: A bunch of back-and-forth bickering as Pence completely refuses to defend his running mate and attacks Clinton instead. C’mon, dude! Just lie!
9:16: The moderator may as well not even be there. Pence balanced his budget on the backs of schools, by the way. Schools have been wrecked since he took office; he’s continued his predecessor’s record quite nicely in that respect.
9:18: Second time he’s said “War on Coal,” a phrase Trump never uttered once.
9:20: I like the phrase “debt-free college.” Pence has this weirdly condescending facial expression going on but Kaine’s kinda coming off as a yapping puppy.
9:22: I would like Pence to answer the question. He’s actually trying valiantly by now but he’s also trying to pretend that running casinos in the mid-90s was a really difficult thing to do.
9:25: Financial disclosures ARE NOT tax returns.
9:26: She’s doing a decent job of running through the questions– we’re on part 3 right now– but she’s not actually doing a lot of moderating. And while I don’t like treating these things like they’re entertainment I’m actually really bored right now. It was a really goddamn long day, guys.
9:28: Pence, who I will note I have already described as trainable, is actually doing a quite good job of seeming sane and reasonable. That said, let’s talk about race now, so if he’s gonna fuck up the next couple of minutes are going to be where it happens.
9:29: My dog just farted. Appropriate.
9:31: Twitter’s moving way slower tonight than it was during the first debate. I don’t understand why the moderator says we’re going to talk about race relations and then immediately moves into why we’re being too mean to police.
9:32: “At the risk of agreeing with you…” Okay, Mike, that was sorta funny. A little.
9:33: The national FOP endorsed Trump because they’re a quasi-fascist organization and they know they’ll get to be the brownshirts during his administration.
9:34: Pence appears to believe that basically the entire Black Lives Matter movement is an example of the Negroes making stuff up.
9:37: Do you think they fought over who got to wear the red tie and who got to wear the blue tie?
9:38: I am seriously having trouble paying attention to either of them. I think Mike Pence might have just suggested that inner-city African-Americans might have been asking for stop and frisk. Are you fucking kidding me? He couldn’t have said that; my brain hasn’t died. No way.
9:40: My son gets up for the fourteenth fucking time. It doesn’t go well for him. He’s crying now.
9:41: IT IS NOT AN INSULT TO REPEAT THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID ON VIDEO. DONALD TRUMP SAID EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE FUCKING THINGS. REPEATING HIS EXACT FUCKING WORDS IS NOT AN INSULT. I’M FUCKING TIRED OF THIS HORSESHIT.
9:43: I gotta go deal with the boy. Might be back.
9:47: During my attempt to console my son/ convince him to keep his ass in bed for the rest of the night, he inadvertently kicks me in the balls. He’s insisting that one of us need to sleep with him. I am suddenly not in the mood for any of this at all.
9:50: Kaine helpfully explains to Pence that the Pentagon is in Virginia. It’s not very funny and yet it’s the funniest thing that’s happened tonight.
9:54: Yeah, okay, I want to be in bed reading a book. Everyone in my house is in a shitty mood and I had a long-ass day and screw these guys, I’m going home. I made it through two-thirds; that’s enough.