First of all:
Okay. I can do this. I can do this. I’ll survive. Also, the rest of this post will be populated by pictures of adorable animals wearing hats because I think we’ll all need that tonight.
We ready? Okay. Here we go.
8:46: I put on my Jackass wristband. I realize the TV isn’t on yet and I’m in my recliner already and don’t know where the Goddamn remote is. I hit Submit while I look for it.
8:51: I get everything situated. CNN, bewilderingly, is showing the chancellor of the university and some muckety-muck from the debate commission yapping at the students in the audience about how other countries don’t let people
be ignored by candidates while they talk about whatever they want ask questions of their candidates. How many countries are actually “shocked” by this? Can’t be that many, can it? At any rate, I can hear the audience not paying attention in my soul and I’m surprised that CNN isn’t showing yapping heads. I don’t think I actually miss them though.
8:53: For the record I’ll give Trump no more than a 50/50 chance of actually staying on stage for the entire debate.
8:54: The student body president is talking now. He tells the front three rows that they may get wet.
8:55: The talking heads are on now. Wolfie sounds really depressed. They’re actually debating whether the spouses will shake hands. We are reminded that the people asking the questions are undecided voters, meaning that they are among the stupidest people in the world and really don’t belong at this forum in the first place.
8:57: God, Uday and Qusay just reek of loser fratboy rapist asshole. I am entertained that they felt like they needed two moderators tonight. Unmentioned is the bouncer backstage.
9:00: Holy shit is Melania’s death glare impressive.
9:01: Every so often I forget that Anderson Cooper and John… wait, is his last name Anderson? Anyway, I forget that they’re not the same person. They might actually be; the glasses might be some kind of Clark Kent thing.
9:02: There was some mumbling on Twitter this morning that Pence had actually quit the race but it doesn’t appear to have developed into anything.
9:04: If anyone was considering dropping a nuclear weapon on northern Indiana anytime soon I’d really appreciate it if it happens in the next three or four minutes.
9:05: EXCEPT FOR NOW!
9:06: No handshake, but Hillary said hello like twelve times. Trump is standing behind his chair for some reason.
9:07: The first question is dumb. This will, no doubt, be a theme tonight. There are at least three black questioners and I don’t have the slightest idea how it’s possible that they found three black undecided voters in St. Louis.
9:09: Are they really going to have to hold microphones during the debate? Seriously? No wireless mikes? Trump doesn’t move during his answer and — oh, there’s the first sniffle — fills it with irrelevant statistics that have even less to do with the answer than Hillary did. He claims that police officers are being killed on a “weekly basis.” Nah.
9:11: Here we go. Anderson goes straight at him about the videotape; Trump denies what every single one of us have heard. Trump yaps about ISIS. This isn’t gonna work.
9:12: “No one has more respect for women than I do.” Sure.
9:13: That jacket doesn’t fit, by the way. Hillary gets a chance to respond to the tape. I hope she just says “no,” but naturally she doesn’t. Instead she says to his face that he’s not fit to be President. Whoa.
9:14: Is there another question coming? Maybe one that isn’t dumb? Hillary returns to the “we are great because we are good” line, which I think maybe I like? I’m not sure.
9:16: What kind of downers do you think they have him on right now? And can he actually not breathe through his mouth? He’s already whining about fairness. Fucking loser.
9:18: Second question also about the tapes. He’s fucked. He says that there’s no one in “the history of politics” more abusive toward women than Bill Clinton. Thomas Jefferson comes to mind.
This isn’t going to work, Donnie.
9:21: Hillary demonstrates why it isn’t going to work. He’s not running against Bill Clinton. He’s running against Hillary.
9:22: It’s as if Hillary didn’t just spend years working for the Obama administration. She’s openly laughing at Trump on stage right now.
9:23: Holy shit why is his tie so long. It’s past his crotch! What the hell kind of grown man wears a tie like that?
9:24: He yaps about “acid-washing” the emails. Does Donald Trump think emails are jeans? Hillary literally can’t get through her answer without chuckling.
9:26: Jesus I just don’t give one single fuck about Hillary’s emails. Not one single tiny little fuck, ever, at all. No fucks. None.
9:28: Nobody gives a fuck. Still. And nobody knows what the hell Sniffly’s even talking about. Are we only on the second question from the audience?
9:29: This is a child. How the hell is anyone voting for this guy?
9:31: I occasionally refer to Obamacare as the My Mom Might Be Dead If This Law Hadn’t Passed Law, if you were wondering where I stand on it.
9:32: I’m very good with this answer, for the record.
9:33: The “You can just die if you’re poor and get sick” act of When The Fuck Are The Republicans Going to Release Their Health Plan is the alternative Trump is talking about here.
9:34: I note Jules from Pulp Fiction is sitting over Hillary’s shoulder.
9:35: Employer-based healthcare is the root of the problem, for the record. What is Trump doing right now? He’s standing with his arms at his side and just sort of fucking wandering around like an idiot. For the first time, Clinton ignores Anderson trying to follow up.
9:37: Trump’s plan is literally “You’re gonna have plans.” That’s all he ever says. “You’re gonna have plans.” People are going to vote for this idiot.
9:38: Maybe if Trump had health insurance he’d stop sniffling. “We’re gonna keep pre-existing.” Idiotic.
9:39: They found an undecided Muslim in St. Louis. No they didn’t.
9:40: Trump is asked how he’ll help Muslims deal with being treated as a threat to our country and he says that they’ll have to call the cops on each other when they have bombs. It’s the dumbest thing he’s said yet.
9:41: Unfortunately, Hillary also hits the “you’ve gotta rat each other out” line, although not as harshly as Trump does. She makes it sound a bit more inclusive somehow.
9:43: blah blah blah blah lies lies lies lies lies. He whines about the moderator some more.
9:44: I’m pretty sure Republicans are against safe spaces, aren’t they? Hillary’s laughing at him again.
9:45: I kind of wish I had time to pay attention to Twitter right now. My wife is sitting a few feet away staring at her phone and she’s been cackling all night.
9:47: She’s laughing at him again. I’m pretty sure Sniffles hasn’t so much as cracked a smile all night.
9:49: Damn sure politicans should have private and public opinions. That’s because it’s politics. If you’re not going to move someone from A to C on your own all at once, shoot for B and talk like you’re a fan of B until everyone gets there. Then move them to C. This does not bother me.
9:50: Any time I hear the word “Wikileaks” I reach for my gun. Then I remember I don’t have one and I’m sad.
9:52: “I know nothing about Russia,” says the Republican candidate for President of the United States. Then he yammers something about how she can ask the “United States Government” about his taxes. I literally have no idea what the hell Sniffles is talking about right now. He repeats the lie about being audited again.
9:54: “Why didn’t you change the tax code to prevent me from cheating on my taxes?” asks the Republican candidate for President of the United States. I’m getting bored. There are, somehow, 35 minutes late.
9:57: Hillary is either really passionate about the tax code or her composure is starting to crack a little bit. She looks pissed for the first time during the debate.
9:58: Trump just admitted he hasn’t paid federal taxes in 20 years.
9:59: Was that my connection, or did his mic actually just short out for a second?
10:00: He names a bunch of names and then says he’s not going to name names.
10:01: This “had a chance and didn’t do anything about it” line might actually have room for some traction if it wasn’t surrounded by so much goddamn insane crazy shit. His mic cuts out again.
10:02: Does he seriously not understand how the Congress works? She pivots straight into talking positively about her record. Whoopsie. Meanwhile, I’m wondering how many actual audience questions we’ve had tonight.
10:03: How many goddamn times has Facebook been mentioned in this debate? And I’m pretty sure we’ve been talking about Syria since before that picture was taken.
10:04: I suspect Trump’s answer will not actually involve Syria and will be about allowing refugees in. Just a hunch. I take a moment thinking about arguing with the questioner’s Holocaust analogy and decide not to bother.
10:06: My feed shits out for a few seconds. When it comes back, Sniffles is somehow claiming that Russia is “new in terms of nuclear,” which… what? That’s barely even English.
10:08: What the hell is he talking about? This literally doesn’t make a single fucking bit of sense. As I predicted, his answer has nothing to do with the humanitarian crisis.
10:09: “He and I haven’t spoken,” says the Republican candidate for President of the United States about his running mate.
10:10: Still not talking about the humanitarian crisis. He’s asked by the moderator what will happen if Aleppo falls and starts talking about Mosul.
10:11: This guy’s a fucking psychopath.
10:12: For the record, I wouldn’t be surprised if ground forces end up in Syria within the next couple of years no matter who is the President.
10:14: Haven’t we already armed the hell out of the Kurds? I actually don’t know the answer to that, for the record.
10:15: ‘Sup, Jules?
10:15: Wait, really, that’s your question? “Will you be a devoted president to all our people?” Are you fucking kidding me? You’re not Jules. Jules was cool. You’re the guy from Black Snake Moan. Trump’s yapping about the gold standard; I don’t even know what that means. He appears to be entirely unaware that black people live outside of the inner cities. He’s unable to even discuss black or Latino issues without talking about inner cities.
10:17: I bet the insanely red-faced fat man is a Republican. Just a hunch. My sound cuts out again. I kinda feel like Jules was asking a Jesus question and didn’t think he could get away with it.
10:20: “My argument is not with his supporters. It’s with him.” That’s actually not a bad answer. I can get away with calling Trump’s supporters a festering pit of racist, sexist ass-cysts. Hillary probably shouldn’t.
10:21: Seriously Sniffles should be able to afford a tailor and a suit that fits. This is ridiculous.
10:22: He’s not seriously about to go after Alicia Machado again, is he? I quit out of the app and go back in again and we’ve gone 45 seconds back in time OH MY GOD THIS DEBATE WILL NEVER END. KILL ME.
10:23: It was totally “check out a sex tape.” He tries to shoehorn in Benghazi, which is also something no one cares about. My feed is really starting to shit the bed.
10:24: I can’t decide if I’m sad or relieved that my internet connection has decided to kill itself rather than attempt to continue streaming the debate.
10:25: I have no idea one way or another but I would wager the entire contents of my wallet that growth is not in fact the slowest since 1929.
10:26: “I will name Barack Obama to the Supreme Court.” SAY IT.
10:28: She doesn’t say that, but this was a good, direct answer.
10:29: I feel like Sniffles has directed very few of his answers at actual members of the audience tonight. Trump pivots, for some reason, into asking Clinton why she isn’t self-funding her own campaign.
10:31: I hear the name “Ken Bone” and start laughing. Then I see Ken Bone and what he decided to wear to the debate and I cannot even any longer. I don’t even know what the fuck his question was about; I was laughing too loud and didn’t hear it. Is it sleepytime yet? I want it to be sleepytime. I may be a little loopy by this point.
10:32: KEN BONE!
10:34: Kenbone kenbone, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
10:35: Kenboan’s sweater looks warm and comfy and I want to crawl into it while he’s wearing it. It is possible that he’s wearing a white tie with his white shirt but I can’t quite tell. Bone bone fo-fone banana fana fo-bone, me mi mo mone BONE.
10:37: Suddenly Trump turns very complimentary as his final statement and I don’t know what’s going on and it’s overrrrrrrr