#DemDebate Night Two: Sequel Reference!

4:08 PM: Anticipating a busy evening, I get this post set up in advance. Unlike last night, I know who nearly all of these people are, and also unlike last night, there are only about one and a half of them on stage who I am even slightly interested in seeing as President. Maybe two, if Buttigieg and Gillibrand count as half each. At least two of them, Williamson and Yang, don’t belong up there at all, and three are also-rans of the Delaney/Ryan type. I enjoyed last night’s debate; I do not expect to enjoy this one.

Talk amongst yourselves for the next few hours, if you like. I’ll be back.

5:58: So, thinking about this a bit more: prior to it actually happening, last night’s debate was kind of widely panned as the B team plus Warren, and it was really interesting to me how 1) Castro and Booker, certainly, and probably also Klobuchar showed themselves to be ready for prime time and 2) absolutely everyone on stage was noticeably deferring to Elizabeth Warren for the duration of the debate.

This debate is going to have a very different feel, I think; there is not anyone out there who is going to hold back in attacking Sanders and Biden if they get a chance, and of the four A-tier candidates (Sanders, Biden, Harris, and Buttigieg) three of them have either seen serious drops in their poll numbers or have taken a hell of a beating in the press lately or both. There’s blood in the water at this debate in a way there really wasn’t last night; it’ll be interesting to see how it all plays out.

For the record, I think Kamala should be able to mop the floor with most of these bozos. It’ll be interesting to see how Buttigieg does; I kind of feel like he’s the wild card tonight but he’s had a seriously rough couple of weeks and I won’t be surprised if he’s way off his game.

8:43: I put on my Jackass wristband.

8:44: In addition, I have an honest-to-God bottle of an alcoholic substance at hand, because I don’t think I can get through this without it. It will likely go unfinished, but still.

8:48: I find a selection of pictures to liven the post up with.

8:55: The debate has not started yet and somehow I am already aware that Andrew Yang decided this wasn’t worth putting on a fucking tie for.

8:57: The closed captions are on and I don’t know how to turn them off. They were not on last night and I haven’t changed anything.

9:00: I see that Jesus didn’t give Chuck Todd throat polyps overnight like I asked him to. That guy never does anything I want.

9:02: Mr. Orange Tie has made some bad decisions.

9:03: First question out of the box is to Bernie: “Will you raise taxes on the middle class?” C’mon, now. He’s not gonna answer that. They give him 10 seconds to try again and he actually says they’ll pay more tax but they’ll get better health care as a result.

9:04: One of the people who doesn’t belong up there tries to interrupt. Already? Sit down.

9:06: Biden gets asked about his “nothing will change” statement and makes no attempt at all to answer the question.

9:08: Kamala points out that no one ever asks Republicans how they’re gonna pay for stuff. Hickenlooper starts yapping about how we don’t want Republicans to call us socialists. They’re gonna do that anyway, no matter what we do.

9:09: Ah, so Hickenlooper is gonna be the Inslee tonight.

9:10: Bernie says the way to beat the shitgibbon is to “expose him for the fraud he is.” Good man.

9:11: Did Gillibrand actually get asked a question or was that an interrupt?

9:12: Why does Bennet get to talk before Buttigieg? And why isn’t he paying enough attention to know he’s being talked to? He goes straight after Sanders– like I said, tonight’s gonna be more combative.


9:14: Swalwell jumps in to point out that he is also young. Andrew Yang looks weirdly pissy. He gets asked about his UBI proposal and literally acts like he didn’t hear the question at all. He’s talking way too fast and I’m pretty sure a lot of his numbers are voodoo.

9:16: Somebody online already pointed out that Swalwell looks like a televangelist and they are absolutely right. He uses Biden’s words from thirty years ago against him and starts repeating “pass the torch” over and over again. Biden gets a rebuttal and literally says he’s keeping the torch.

9:18: Oh Bernie I dare you to wag a finger in Kamala and Kirsten’s direction. You’re not getting that finger back. And bam, Kamala’s the adult and shuts the whole goddamn stage down.

9:20: “No American should have to have more than one job to put a roof over their head and food on the table.” Harris won the last 30 seconds.

9:21: You can tell Gillibrand’s a New Yorker. She takes no shit from anybody and shuts down Hickenlooper when he tries to talk over her.

9:22: Has Marianne Williamson said a single word? I mean, I don’t mind, but still. Also, his name is booty-judge, not buddha-jitch.

9:23: As someone who has been going through some similar calculus regarding his parents’ health recently, I am also extraordinarily grateful to Medicare for making sure I didn’t have to worry about bankruptcy on top of everything else. Good answer, Pete.

9:26: I’m actually genuinely surprised that Williamson hasn’t horned into a question yet. I wouldn’t even blame her.

9:27: yooman! yuge!

9:28: Williamson gets a question finally. She chides everyone for being superficial and then says that the person in the White House won by saying “Make America Great Again,” which is … literally a four-word superficial slogan.

9:30: Some nerd goes after Sanders again and I’m tired. Harris jumps in and just talks until he shuts up. Swalwell was absolutely taking notes from de Blasio last night.

9:32: The answer to “why would your government health care program cover undocumented immigrants” is “Because they’re people.” Biden took WAY too long to put his hand up.

9:34: …and then he immediately gets called out on it by the moderator. He points out that undocumented immigrants pay into Social Security but gain no benefits from it. And then, okay, I was typing, but it seems like he just … stops? Mid-sentence?

9:38: And now let’s move into the immigration debate. Harris gets first shot at it. She takes a minute but gets around to “what will you do about asylum seekers” eventually. And then knocks it the fuck out of the park. I love this lady.

9:40: Hickenlooper gets a question and Williamson starts to answer it. I think she genuinely thought it was for her. Is there something going on with the mics again? This isn’t the first time it’s happened.

9:41: Williamson has this energy going where if I’m just listening to her I like what she’s saying, mostly– and I’m halfway through typing that sentence and she goes off on a crazy-lady tangent about how no one is talking about Latin American foreign policy when the immigration section of the debate just started like 30 seconds ago. Anyway, the point was she probably comes off better in print?

9:43: We need to abolish for-profit prisons, period. End of conversation.

9:44: Buttigieg smoothly takes over the stage after another hand-raise question and nobody tries to talk over him. He goes straight to his liberal Christianity and sticks a shiv in the religious right. He’s the first candidate to mention God on stage, and I think that includes last night.

9:46: Did the Obama/Biden administration deport three million Americans?

9:47: I am halfway through my hard lemonade.

9:48: I note that they are talking about Central American foreign policy, but Sanders gives credit to Biden for it. Hmmm. I note that I can’t figure out who at least one of the white guys on stage is. The guy standing next to Swal … well? Is that his name? Does the guy who looks like a preacher have a name that sounds like Falwell? Goddammit get these folks off the stage.

9:49: Harris stumbles a bit with the beginning of this answer. By the end she warms up and gets back on stride.

9:50: Can we not do the one-word answer thing again? Oh, that guy’s name is Bennet.

9:52: He did a lot of yelling while I was looking for that picture and I didn’t hear most of it but I suspect I’d have thought it was crazy talk if I did.

9:54: Buttigieg is doing a good job. He’s staying out of the scrum for the most part and being his typical self when he gets to talk.

9:57: Second commercial break. They’re gonna bring that nitwit on now. One thing about tonight so far: no one is impressing me who I didn’t expect to impress me.

9:59: It would be cool if Chuck Todd’s mic stopped working but not anyone else’s.

10:00: Ooooh shit, Rachel Maddow goes straight at Buttigieg about Eric Logan. I was wondering if this would happen. She asks how the police force is still only 6% black and he answers, simply, “I didn’t get it done.”

10:02: We know the answer to that, Mr. Hickenlooper. It’s racism. Swalwell hollers at him about firing the police chief– the current one! — and holy shit the daggers in Buttigieg’s look back at him.

10:05: Harris demands to get to talk about race as the only black person on stage and goes directly at Biden about his comments about palling up with segregationists. Harris gets one of the biggest rounds of applause of the night.

10:06: Biden basically says he’s okay on race because he had a black boss.

10:06: I really think Swalwell needs to watch his back on the way home tonight. Pete’s gonna cut him.

10:07: Kamala’s basically bathing in Biden’s blood right now.

10:08: Wait, are we asking the guy from Vermont about diversity?

10:09: Oh, hi, Kirsten! Still up there, huh?

10:11: Wait, I think Chuck Todd just asked a good question. Unfortunately Bennet is answering it.

10:12: Biden is shook, y’all. He’s bragging about raising taxes. (Also, I don’t understand why we talk about “permanent” tax cuts or increases. We have the word “indefinite’ for a reason!)

10:16: Took me a minute to find this. Kamala Harris:

10:17: Okay I’m paying attention again.

10:19: Kamala Harris comes from the Hillary Clinton school of An Anecdote for Every Question.

10:20: I am not sure that the question Todd just asked Buttigieg is completely coherent but at this point he ought to be able to answer a climate change question half-asleep. He uses the 1000-year and 500-year flood story again. Bernie is waving his Taunting Finger around but Maddow calls on Hickenlooper instead.

10:22: How, exactly, is Hickenlooper a scientist?

10:23: I hadn’t noticed it until now, and I’m not sure if it’s been ongoing, but Biden is really slurring his words a lot. Is that just how he talks or has something changed in the last twenty minutes or so?

10:25: Williamson and Swalwell sniping at each other is something I can get behind. She says “included” really weirdly.

10:27: Chuck really thought he was gonna get two-word answers from these folks?

10:28: Audible laughter in the audience when Yang talks about his UBI program again. Williamson doesn’t even try to answer the question.

10:31: Commercial. It’s muggy in here. Or maybe it’s the alcomohol. I don’t drink, like, ever, so one bottle is actually gonna Do a Thing for me.

10:32: *checks thermostat* I think it’s me.

10:34: Maddow tries to go to somebody in the audience and it doesn’t and then has a serious womp-womp moment as she tries to joke about it. Nah, we were watching last night and you don’t get to joke about tech issues now.

10:35: Oh, wait, shit, that’s why Swalwell is wearing an orange tie and the orange ribbon: gun violence. I take back the tie criticism.

10:36: Sanders accuses Maddow of mischaracterizing his gun record and she immediately claps back that she’d just read a quote from him. Oops!

10:37: Swalwell goes after Sanders’ record on guns and comes off ahead for it. Good man.

10:38: “If more guns made us safer, we’d be the safest country on Earth.” YOU GO MAYOR PETE.

10:39: Biden claims to have banned “number of magazines sold.” He’s still kinda stammery. And now we’re to Lester in the audience again. The question is “How are you gonna fix the fact that the shitgibbon fucked everything up?”


10:43: The best answer is Buttigieg’s, who says that he can’t predict who he’d call first because we don’t know who the Current Occupant will have pissed off most recently. Williamson has already said that she’s calling New Zealand first earlier tonight (and out of nowhere, for no clear reason) but does not mention them when asked specifically who she’d call first.

10:49: I feel like I might like Eric Swalwell if he wasn’t Eric Swalwell. Unfortunately I think he’s probably pretty committed to being Eric Swalwell.

10:50: My feed goes nuts while Williamson is talking and I’m okay with that. She’s radiating homeless lady crazy energy right now in a major way.

10:51: Bennet has the ability to make simple things incoherent.

10:52: Hickenlooper is apparently also a small-business owner in addition to being a scientist. He abruptly ends his 45 seconds by warning everyone against the dangers of socialism. God, shut up.

10:53: Gillibrand made less of an impression on me than I was expecting her to. And I just finished my hard lemonade. Woo.

10:54: The rich tech businessman is not a good example that anyone can become President. Frankly, Buttigieg and Harris are both better exemplars of that.

10:55: Harris/Warren or Warren/Harris. I don’t even care which. I love her.

10:56: Buttigieg is about to mention the word “again,” watch. (EDIT: Wrong!)

10:57: Bernie, who has been in Congress forever and has no accomplishments whatsoever to his name, should not be giving the closing speech he is giving right now. You’ve had plenty of time to have guts, Bernie, and there’s no damn legislation with your name on it anywhere.

10:58: It is not true at all that the shitgibbon is the only white supremacist ever to occupy the White House, Mr. Biden. Not remotely close.

10:59: Whoooooa Biden has a hell of a bald spot going back there.

11:00: Well, I think Harris walked away with that, with Buttigieg close behind, which is pretty much exactly what I thought would happen. Biden got his ass slapped around hard, by multiple candidates; it’s too bad that it’s so early that it won’t make much difference.

11:01: I interrupt myself to point out that Biden is talking to the moderators while everyone else is in the crowd or still talking to each other.

11:02: Actually maybe I was done. Williamson, Swalwell, Bennet, Hickenlooper and Yang can all go away now. We’ll see how the rest of them sort themselves back out over the next couple of weeks.

11:05: Probably not a good sign for Gillibrand that she made so little impact on me that I forgot to include her on the list of folks who should head for the door. I was looking forward to hearing from her, too. Too bad.

#DemDebates Night One: Who the hell are all these assholes?

8:55 PM: I put on my Jackass wristband. Livetweet won the poll from earlier; I’ll probably do both.

8:56 PM: I need you to understand that I pay close attention and I do not know who half of these people are just from their faces. I only care about the four on the outside. One of them might be Jay Inslee, I suppose, who is interesting but I don’t actually know which of the white guys he might be. There are too many white guys. The dude on the bottom row next to Castro looks like Jon Stewart in old man makeup.

8:59 PM: Man, Julián Castro is way shorter than I thought he was. I wonder if his people made a stink about podium heights.

9:01 PM: Oh, shit, I think Jon Stewart is Inslee.

9:02 PM: “We are not gonna be shy about making the candidates stick to time.” Sure, right.

9:03 PM: Was that the first use of the word “Latinx” in a debate? Nice opening statement, Sen. Warren.

9:04 PM: Sen. Klobuchar, would you like to attack Senator Warren’s ideas?

9:06 PM: “If billionaires can pay off their yachts, students should be able to pay off their loans.” It’ll be interesting to see how much the candidates actually go directly after each other. Beto is speaking Spanish. Slow Spanish. I don’t know if this is a good move or not. Interesting.

9:07 PM: Beto and Klobuchar have already stomped all over the time limits. I don’t know this lady’s name but she’s trying her damnedest to get people to go after Warren.

9:09 PM: Jesus, Cory, blink. I’m gonna stop putting PM on everything. It’s all PM.

9:10: Come see the violence inherent in the system!

9:12: Castro, who is actually Hispanic and not Irish like Beto, does not speak Spanish in his first answer. Gabbard gets a question and immediately mentions her military service which I’m not convinced has anything to do with the question.

9:13: Wait, is that Jon Stewart? Shit, are Bill de Blasio and Jay Inslee the same person?

9:14: “There’s plenty of money, it’s just in the hands of the wrong people” is a good line. I don’t know who is talking right now– he’s bald so he’ll never be President– but he was the first person to mention education.

9:16: Boy I had something really snarky to say about Jay Inslee just now and I’ve forgotten it already. This thing is moving fast. Nice green tie.

9:17: I don’t know who this guy is either but he’s terrified.

9:18: Warren gets another question. Klobuchar is literally waving her hands around trying to get noticed. My feed is starting to stutter a little bit. Drink every time Warren says “this is what I propose.”

9:21: Klobuchar is using her time effectively. It’ll be interesting to see who I like more at the end of this debate than I did at the beginning and right now she’s doing well.

9:23: We’ll see if Beto dodges this question in Spanish again. He gets extra points for me for bringing up mental health care. Good answer, Beto.

9:24: de Blasio takes control of the debate and all hell breaks loose. The hand-wavers are just jumping in now. Chaos! Worth pointing out: when they asked who supported moving directly to Medicare for All, Warren’s hand went up immediately and de Blasio distinctly looked around first before his did.

9:26: I’m behind now, but whoever it was that made the point that hospitals would close under Medicare rates: I don’t know that I actually believe that statistic, and would like to see how closely interrogated it’s been. I hate to keep harping on Booker’s appearance but he’s got a weird skin color thing happening around his eyes and I don’t know what’s going on with that.

9:28: And now Warren’s in charge. Good job enforcing those rules, guys.

9:29: Jay Inslee touts his bona fides in defending choice and reproductive health and Klobuchar slaps him down like he’s some sort of wild animal.

9:31: Julián Castro also winning the “Do I like you more now?” contest.

9:33: I think Cory Booker has a shank strapped to his leg. Beto’s talking about weed all the sudden and I think I blacked out and someone changed the subject. I like his tie too. Good ties all around, guys.

9:36: Who the hell is the preacher and how did he get on stage?

9:37: Julián is knocking the immigration question the fuck out of the park.

9:38: Wait, Booker speaks Spanish too? I feel like I’m kind of being unfair to him right now; if I don’t look at him while he’s talking I like him a lot more but he’s seriously creeping me out.

9:40: de Blasio has clearly decided that he’s not gonna get to talk if he doesn’t interrupt. He’s right, but he’s still kinda being a dick and the moderators are letting him get away with it. That said, I gotta admit I like what he’s saying.

9:42: Now the moderators are speaking Spanish. Castro is getting a splitscreen while Beto answers an immigration question and he doesn’t look like he’s having Beto’s answer at all.

9:43: More tie talk: Beto and Julián are wearing nearly identical ties. Castro may be getting just a little bit too much in the weeds on the law here; I genuinely don’t quite know what he’s talking about.

9:45: I want a .gif of Klobuchar’s eye-roll to that question, and the Internet being what it is me asking for one brought it into existence. Warren is about to do something interesting, I know it. She’s probably taught herself Spanish since her last question.

9:47: Tim Ryan is undeniably winning the Not Ready for Prime Time award for this debate. He looks like he’s going to vomit at any moment. He pulls it out by the end, but he’s the most obviously uncomfortable of anyone on stage.

9:50: I’ve been blowing Inslee a bit of crap but that was a good answer. I predict Gabbard gets an Iran question.

9:52: Amy Klobuchar’s body language is pure She’s an Asshole but She’s My Asshole right now. Honest admission: I don’t know shit about what we should do about Iran, but I’m certain that the current administration shouldn’t have anything to do with making those decisions.

9:53: And, hey, look, Gabbard gets an Iran question. Did you know she’s a veteran?

9:55: Wait, is this a 90-minute debate? I thought it was an hour. de Blasio is trying to horn in again as they cut to commercial for the second time.

9:56: Warren has gone awfully quiet. I think Castro won that section.

9:57: By tomorrow’s liveblog I need to have some images ready before the debate starts. This one’s gonna be awful bare, sorry about that.

10:00: Everyone’s mics are on and we cut back to commercial. Oops!

10:02: I genuinely don’t know if they’re just re-airing those last couple of minutes or they’re reenacting it. Wait, we’re back to technical issues. Now the mic is screaming. Whee, competence!

10:04: Back to commercial again as the audio’s still all screwed up. The candidates clearly can’t hear anything the moderators are saying.

10:07: Still at commercial. NBC done fucked up.

10:09: I think I’m actually behind the debate now, because I’m seeing Tweets that seem to be responding to stuff I haven’t seen yet. That’s frustrating.

10:10: Repeal the fucking second amendment.

10:11: Chuck Todd has been moderating for four minutes and has annoyed me twice. Booker’s intensity really works for a guns question.

10:14: Oh crap is Tim Ryan actually the best candidate on education right now? Because this interruption was 100% on point and the right thing to do. Good answer, congressman.

10:16: O’Rourke is entirely right about the Stoneman Douglas kids.

10:16: Gun buybacks are not confiscation you idiot.

10:17: Which Klobuchar says immediately; good for her.

10:19: New biggest loser of the night is Delaney, who Rachel Maddow just shut the fuck down– and, hilariously, then pivoted to de Blasio, who has been profiting the most from interruptions.

10:20: I note that Warren has not spoken much during this section either. Pretty fucking ballsy of de Blasio to pull the “I have a black son” card with Cory Booker standing on stage. Ryan looks like he’s about to fall over.

10:21: I’m not 100% sure that Warren just answered the “how do you handle McConnell” question but I like what she said anyway.

10:22: Delaney is the kumbaya candidate on stage right now and he can sit down.

10:25: Nearly an hour and a half in and Inslee finally gets a climate change question. I don’t think this guy is ever gonna be President but if he doesn’t end up in the Cabinet somebody seriously dropped the ball.

10:26: This is going to be over in four minutes, right? Is this a two hour debate? Oh shit this is a two hour debate isn’t it.

10:28: What the fuck is Chuck Todd talking about people “living where they shouldn’t be”? Can we have him go away and just let Maddow run the rest of the debate? He’s an idiot.

10:29: They pull away to a wider shot and at this point I actually think Ryan has thrown up at some point during this debate.

10:31: I said sit down, Mr. Delaney.

10:32: Listening to Todd repeatedly blabber “thank you” while he gets steamrolled by the candidates is getting old. Gabbard is now talking about her views on LGBTQ people and I’m pretty sure I heard someone in the audience laughing.

10:34: Booker actually brings up the murder rate of black trans women, and Goddammit this is why I’m a fucking Democrat because there is no chance at all that that ever gets mentioned at the Republican debates.

10:36: Good answer, Mr. Castro. Oh, God, we’re not doing viewer questions, are we? We’re doing viewer questions. Let’s not and say we did.

10:39: “God forbid there is a genocide, but not without Congressional approval” are the words that just came out of de Blasio’s mouth.

10:40: Tim Ryan is going to unhinge his jaw and eat de Blasio whole.

10:41: God please grant me this split screen as a .jpg, because he’s gonna eat Gabbard after he eats de Blasio.

10:43: Ryan and Gabbard are getting an awful lot of minutes to yell at each other. Can we hear from someone else?

10:44: Jay Inslee answers “Donald Trump” to the greatest geopolitical threat and I can hear his poll numbers go up. de Blasio is the only one to mention Russia, which is the correct answer if we’re discussing a country. Ryan says something about China “wiping us around the world” and I guess after all the eating of the other candidates he maybe needs a nap.

10:46: I’m genuinely unsure who has done the most talking but I’m absolutely certain it hasn’t been Warren. She’s been middle of the pack at best.

10:47: Delaney thinks Pelosi knows more about impeachment than “all the 2020 candidates combined” and now he doesn’t get to sit behind his podium any longer. It’s under the stage for you.

10:48: My laptop just blacked out for the second time while I’ve been sitting here. I can’t afford a new laptop right now, Goddammit.

10:51: I think they get closing statements now. Is this almost done? This is almost done, right?

10:53: Going from Delaney straight to de Blasio implies that Warren will have the last closing statement, which means I can sleep for a couple of minutes.

10:55: I would like to point out that I do not like Tim Ryan’s boring-ass tie. I also do not like Tim Ryan’s boring ass.

10:57: Julián’s introduction of himself in Spanish would have had more impact if half the goddamn stage hadn’t said something in Spanish already.

10:59: Somebody else just mumbled something in Spanish and I’m not sure who it was. Klobuchar is the second candidate on stage who I’m pretty sure is carrying a shiv.

11:00: Beto had to think very carefully before saying his daughter’s age, and I actually am not snarking at him about that because that’s totally something I might fuck up under similar circumstances.

11:01: Laptop cuts out again. Shit.

11:02: Elizabeth Warren for motherfucking President, y’all.

Okay, honest moment: I just spent two hours snarking, but that was fun. I actually do like the vast majority of these people and I think overall that went very well. But I have to go to bed now, because tomorrow I have to do this again, only Joe Biden and Bernie fuckin’ Sanders are going to be on stage, and I don’t know that I can do that without alcohol.

In which we need your vote

There will be a post later tonight one way or another, I think.


8:29:  In front of the TV, iPad on Twitter to my left, laptop in my lap, pile of tacos and Mountain Dew on my right.  I HAVE ON MY JACKASS WRISTBAND AND FLORIDA IS TIGHT.  LET’S DO THIS, MOTHERFUCKERS.

8:30: The dumbnuts on CNN just called Trump’s lead in Florida “impressive.”  It’s five-tenths of a percent.  MUST HAVE TACOS.

8:31: I knock my iPad to the floor accidentally and decide one device is enough.  CNN calls a few states that surprise no one.  Fucking Marco Rubio appears to have won in Florida, which disappoints, and Evan Bayh lost in Indiana, which surprises me a lot.  So far though, no states surprise me.

8:35:  Remember, guys, California, Oregon and Washington are getting called LAST.  Don’t forget that when Wolfie pretends this is back-and-forth or close.

8:37: John King going over the Map of Doom for Florida has convinced me that Clinton is going to win the state.  If Clinton takes Florida we’re done here.

8:38: I’ll be wearing this shirt tomorrow by the way:


8:41: I’m out of tacos.  WHY AM I OUT OF TACOS ALREADY?

8:42: Eating six tacos in eleven minutes may have been unwise.

8:43: Do you ever get the feeling watching these things that Wolf Blitzer is too dumb to play with the map and is really jealous of John King for being the magic map guy?

8:44: Hey, cool, Mishawaka passed a schools referendum.  Toilet paper and chalk for everyone!

8:48: This blurry mess on the side of the Empire State building isn’t actually that impressive, guys.

8:51: My Internet connection shits the bed and CNN goes away.

8:53: Okay, I admit it, I’m a little nervous.


8:55:  I shoulda done a map.  I honestly can’t remember.  Was I expecting Virginia to turn blue?  Yes, I think.

8:59: Okay, I know Utah doesn’t close for a while, but can we agree that once again no one gives a shit about the third-party vote?  Because clearly we don’t.

9:00:  A bunch of states close.  Any surprises?  Hell yes.  TOO CLOSE TO CALL IN MOTHERFUCKING TEXAS.

9:03: Hey, who won in Dixville Notch and Hart’s Location, anyway?

9:05:  Clinton won both.  Wolf Blitzer has no idea what the word “impressive” means.  Meanwhile, it might be time to go ahead and call Georgia.

9:06:  All this yellow CNN is using is screwing with me.

9:08: Looks like somebody’s called Texas, which is disappointing.

9:11:  Let’s take a dance break:


9:18:  Well, it’s clearly going to be closer than I’d thought, but the exact same story is playing out in every state: waiting for the cities to come in, just like always.  I’m starting to get text messages from people.  It’ll be fine, folks.

9:20:  Liveblog over, I gotta find out where CNN is broadcasting from and go punch Wolfie in the throat so that he shuts up.

9:27:  Not updating as frequently because nothing is happening.  I kinda feel like Johnny would kill for a glass of water right now.

9:29:  Wolf seems to think that his job is to point at the map and recite random facts and/or to request a change of the state they’re discussing to some random other one.

9:30: I’d like a Senate update, please.

9:33:  Ugh.  I was really hoping to be done by eleven.

9:36: Seeing reports on Twitter that Michigan’s getting called for Clinton by some news services.  Meanwhile, CNN is showing MI’s raw vote total at Trump, for whatever that’s worth, which isn’t much.

9:40: No one on CNN has said the word “Senate” in the hour I’ve been watching.

9:41: Two more unsurprising projections, as Louisiana and Connecticut go the way everyone figured they would.

9:44:  Perhaps time for this again:


9:47: Has Georgia been called yet?

9:52: Virginia is closing.  Florida and Ohio looking ugly.

9:56: What the hell is taking New Hampshire so long?  I feel like they should be closer to done by now.

9:59:  My wife, tired of putting up with CNN, starts watching Gotham on the iPad.

10:01:  CNN calls Montana for Trump, another “no surprise” state.  Wolf calls a bunch of leads “impressive” again.

10:03:  Trump’s up 20 points in Georgia right now.  Why hasn’t that state been called yet?  Is Atlanta just not in at all right now?

10:07:  Also I swear no one has said the word “Maine” all night.

10:13:  I spend some time being reassuring on Facebook.  I briefly consider just going to bed and then laugh at myself.  I may need some more Mountain Dew.

10:15:  Continuing the “no surprises” theme: New Mexico called for Clinton, something else… Missouri?  called for Trump.


10:19:  Seriously why is no one talking about Maine.  I wanna know what’s going on in Maine!

10:23: What is this “Upshot” thing I’m hearing a lot about tonight for the first time ever?  Should I care about it?  Going to go with no; I don’t have time to care about new things.

10:24:  These ads for Man in the High Castle are not helping.

10:25:  Twitter reporting Ohio’s been called for Trump.  This is the first genuinely alarming result of the night.

10:35:  Maybe for the next election the urban areas everywhere could report first?  That would be cool.

10:36:  Twitter was moving a lot faster during the debates.  Interesting fact.

10:40:  CNN calls Virginia for Clinton.  Good; we needed that one.

10:41: A reminder that numbers in Michigan are pointless until Detroit starts coming in.

10:43: CNN apparently doesn’t realize this fact, as they’re really trying to drag importance out of early returns from Michigan.

10:44:  I don’t even know why:


10:46:  I note that results in Michigan are tightening.


10:50:  Colorado called for Clinton.  Didn’t they just call Colorado?  Argh.

10:51: The other mystery state is Georgia, which they’re showing us on rare occasions and Trump has been dominating.  I don’t know why it’s not called yet unless they’re still waiting on Atlanta.  I think I just said that a few minutes ago.  I’m getting tired.

10:54: Michigan has tightened by a full point in the last eight minutes.

10:56:  Seeing reports that Florida has been called for Trump.  Okay.  Now I’m nervous.

11:00:  Idaho, California, and Hawaii immediately called.  Still no surprises. CNN hasn’t called Florida yet which surprises me.

11:04:  Did I just miss the part of the night where they talked about the exit polling, by the way?  Someone just made reference to the gender gap; they’ve not mentioned those numbers at all tonight.

11:05:  Michigan down to 1.3 points.  I don’t see that holding.

11:06: In the most surreal moment of the night, John King pulls his iPhone out of his pocket to use his calculator.  He has the same case I used to have.  wtud.png

11:07:  And there goes North Carolina.  Still no Florida or Georgia.

11:11:  JOE ARPAIO LOST!  Finally some unalloyed good news.  Then again, Trump will probably make him Secretary of State.

11:18:  Oregon comes in.

11:19:  I get up to take a piss and feed the cat.  Hoping the world doesn’t burn down while I’m gone.

11:24:  I seem to have left all of my optimism on the couch when I got up.  That’s a problem.

11:32:  King quickly passes over the fact that Pittsburgh is only 25% in.  Pennsylvania’s going to be fine.

11:35:  Florida called for Trump.  There is now no margin left at all.  We’re probably fucked at this point.

11:41: Maybe take two minutes and click on that Senate graph.  Meanwhile, Washington unsurprisingly called for Clinton.

11:48:  Yeah, getting up was definitely the wrong thing to do, because all optimism is gone at this point.  Mike fucking Pence is about to be Vice-President.

11:50:  No.  NO.  Not Anderson Cooper and his gang of nimrods.  Please.  Fucking no.  This is already depressing enough.


11:52: Wasn’t there an Alaska poll showing Clinton up by four points recently?  That would be the only way for this to be even more insane if Hillary won Alaska.

11:54:  62% of voters didn’t think Trump was qualified to be President.  Some of them apparently voted for him anyway.

12:02:  I’m not sure how much I’ve got left here, guys.  I’m completely unprepared for this.  At no point– at no fucking point whatsoever— in the last year did I even imagine this to be possible.  I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to process it.  I want to go wake my son up and hug him.

12:05: Pennsylvania, somehow, is a tenth of a point apart.

12:08:  Okay, Pittsburgh’s still only 25% in.  But they just called Iowa for Trump.  This is over.  God.

12:22:  I’m going to bed.  Don’t expect a post tomorrow.

A few potentially useful reminders regarding tomorrow’s events


I’m working until eight tomorrow, which is par for the course on a Tuesday, and frankly is probably the best thing for my mental health, since I’ll be able to keep myself busy (vacuum ALL THE THINGS!!) and hopefully won’t be able to stress about the election.  By the time I get home I expect to know who my new governor and senator and representatives are.  I will be liveblogging from basically the second I’m able to get in front of the TV until I can’t keep my eyes open any longer or I decide to kill myself, whichever comes first.

Until then, some thoughts:

  • Do not panic.
  • No, really.  Do not panic.
  • This is a nation of 350 million people and many millions of them will be voting tomorrow.  Note that shit is going to go wrong somewhere.  Many somewheres, in fact.  Try not to draw conclusions and connect dots where there shouldn’t be connected dots.  For example:
  • Someone, somewhere, is going to lose a box of ballots that won’t be found until late.  Chances are the reason will be incompetence and not malfeasance.
  • Someone, somewhere, is going to be denied a vote who should not have been.  In fact, probably several someones.  This is regrettable but is also unavoidable.  Again: 350,000,000 people.  Mistakes are going to be made.
  • Some people are going to try to vote twice.  Some of them will be doing it for relatively legitimate reasons!  Most of them will be caught.  A very small number may slip by.
  • Someone will stand outside a polling place somewhere with a gun.  There will be reports of voter intimidation.  These will, by and large, be isolated incidents and chances are they will have been dealt with by local authorities well before you ever hear of them.  They are not likely to be evidence of either the KKK or the Black Panthers trying to sway the election.
  • There will probably be some violence somewhere.  Part of the reason for that is that this is America and there is always some violence somewhere.  Chances are by the time all the details get sorted out it will be run-of-the-mill violence and not an attempt at voter suppression.  Again, do not panic.
  • There will be early reports that are pro Your Candidate and early reports that are not pro Your Candidate.  Take them with salt.  Early reports are rarely worth the electrons beaming them into your eyes.
  • Donald Trump has no campaign and no ground game.  Hillary Clinton has the same GOTV operation that got a black guy whose middle name was Hussein elected TWICE.  #expectus, motherfuckers.
  • I expect Clinton to get at least 325 electoral votes.  I expect the Dems to take the Senate as well.  Sadly, I think Indiana going blue is unlikely, but still not impossible.
  • Go fucking vote.  Stand in line as long as you need to.

One more time, in case you still need it: