8:29: In front of the TV, iPad on Twitter to my left, laptop in my lap, pile of tacos and Mountain Dew on my right. I HAVE ON MY JACKASS WRISTBAND AND FLORIDA IS TIGHT. LET’S DO THIS, MOTHERFUCKERS.
8:30: The dumbnuts on CNN just called Trump’s lead in Florida “impressive.” It’s five-tenths of a percent. MUST HAVE TACOS.
8:31: I knock my iPad to the floor accidentally and decide one device is enough. CNN calls a few states that surprise no one. Fucking Marco Rubio appears to have won in Florida, which disappoints, and Evan Bayh lost in Indiana, which surprises me a lot. So far though, no states surprise me.
8:35: Remember, guys, California, Oregon and Washington are getting called LAST. Don’t forget that when Wolfie pretends this is back-and-forth or close.
8:37: John King going over the Map of Doom for Florida has convinced me that Clinton is going to win the state. If Clinton takes Florida we’re done here.
8:38: I’ll be wearing this shirt tomorrow by the way:
8:41: I’m out of tacos. WHY AM I OUT OF TACOS ALREADY?
8:42: Eating six tacos in eleven minutes may have been unwise.
8:43: Do you ever get the feeling watching these things that Wolf Blitzer is too dumb to play with the map and is really jealous of John King for being the magic map guy?
8:44: Hey, cool, Mishawaka passed a schools referendum. Toilet paper and chalk for everyone!
8:48: This blurry mess on the side of the Empire State building isn’t actually that impressive, guys.
8:51: My Internet connection shits the bed and CNN goes away.
8:53: Okay, I admit it, I’m a little nervous.
8:55: I shoulda done a map. I honestly can’t remember. Was I expecting Virginia to turn blue? Yes, I think.
8:59: Okay, I know Utah doesn’t close for a while, but can we agree that once again no one gives a shit about the third-party vote? Because clearly we don’t.
9:00: A bunch of states close. Any surprises? Hell yes. TOO CLOSE TO CALL IN MOTHERFUCKING TEXAS.
9:03: Hey, who won in Dixville Notch and Hart’s Location, anyway?
9:05: Clinton won both. Wolf Blitzer has no idea what the word “impressive” means. Meanwhile, it might be time to go ahead and call Georgia.
9:06: All this yellow CNN is using is screwing with me.
9:08: Looks like somebody’s called Texas, which is disappointing.
9:11: Let’s take a dance break:
9:18: Well, it’s clearly going to be closer than I’d thought, but the exact same story is playing out in every state: waiting for the cities to come in, just like always. I’m starting to get text messages from people. It’ll be fine, folks.
9:20: Liveblog over, I gotta find out where CNN is broadcasting from and go punch Wolfie in the throat so that he shuts up.
9:27: Not updating as frequently because nothing is happening. I kinda feel like Johnny would kill for a glass of water right now.
9:29: Wolf seems to think that his job is to point at the map and recite random facts and/or to request a change of the state they’re discussing to some random other one.
9:30: I’d like a Senate update, please.
9:33: Ugh. I was really hoping to be done by eleven.
9:36: Seeing reports on Twitter that Michigan’s getting called for Clinton by some news services. Meanwhile, CNN is showing MI’s raw vote total at Trump, for whatever that’s worth, which isn’t much.
9:40: No one on CNN has said the word “Senate” in the hour I’ve been watching.
9:41: Two more unsurprising projections, as Louisiana and Connecticut go the way everyone figured they would.
9:44: Perhaps time for this again:
9:47: Has Georgia been called yet?
9:52: Virginia is closing. Florida and Ohio looking ugly.
9:56: What the hell is taking New Hampshire so long? I feel like they should be closer to done by now.
9:59: My wife, tired of putting up with CNN, starts watching Gotham on the iPad.
10:01: CNN calls Montana for Trump, another “no surprise” state. Wolf calls a bunch of leads “impressive” again.
10:03: Trump’s up 20 points in Georgia right now. Why hasn’t that state been called yet? Is Atlanta just not in at all right now?
10:07: Also I swear no one has said the word “Maine” all night.
10:13: I spend some time being reassuring on Facebook. I briefly consider just going to bed and then laugh at myself. I may need some more Mountain Dew.
10:15: Continuing the “no surprises” theme: New Mexico called for Clinton, something else… Missouri? called for Trump.
10:19: Seriously why is no one talking about Maine. I wanna know what’s going on in Maine!
10:23: What is this “Upshot” thing I’m hearing a lot about tonight for the first time ever? Should I care about it? Going to go with no; I don’t have time to care about new things.
10:24: These ads for Man in the High Castle are not helping.
10:25: Twitter reporting Ohio’s been called for Trump. This is the first genuinely alarming result of the night.
10:35: Maybe for the next election the urban areas everywhere could report first? That would be cool.
10:36: Twitter was moving a lot faster during the debates. Interesting fact.
10:40: CNN calls Virginia for Clinton. Good; we needed that one.
10:41: A reminder that numbers in Michigan are pointless until Detroit starts coming in.
10:43: CNN apparently doesn’t realize this fact, as they’re really trying to drag importance out of early returns from Michigan.
10:44: I don’t even know why:
10:46: I note that results in Michigan are tightening.
10:49: WHY IS NO ONE MENTIONING MAINE. WHY IS MAINE SO IMPORTANT TO ME.
10:50: Colorado called for Clinton. Didn’t they just call Colorado? Argh.
10:51: The other mystery state is Georgia, which they’re showing us on rare occasions and Trump has been dominating. I don’t know why it’s not called yet unless they’re still waiting on Atlanta. I think I just said that a few minutes ago. I’m getting tired.
10:54: Michigan has tightened by a full point in the last eight minutes.
10:56: Seeing reports that Florida has been called for Trump. Okay. Now I’m nervous.
11:00: Idaho, California, and Hawaii immediately called. Still no surprises. CNN hasn’t called Florida yet which surprises me.
11:04: Did I just miss the part of the night where they talked about the exit polling, by the way? Someone just made reference to the gender gap; they’ve not mentioned those numbers at all tonight.
11:05: Michigan down to 1.3 points. I don’t see that holding.
11:06: In the most surreal moment of the night, John King pulls his iPhone out of his pocket to use his calculator. He has the same case I used to have.
11:07: And there goes North Carolina. Still no Florida or Georgia.
11:11: JOE ARPAIO LOST! Finally some unalloyed good news. Then again, Trump will probably make him Secretary of State.
11:18: Oregon comes in.
11:19: I get up to take a piss and feed the cat. Hoping the world doesn’t burn down while I’m gone.
11:24: I seem to have left all of my optimism on the couch when I got up. That’s a problem.
11:32: King quickly passes over the fact that Pittsburgh is only 25% in. Pennsylvania’s going to be fine.
11:35: Florida called for Trump. There is now no margin left at all. We’re probably fucked at this point.
11:41: Maybe take two minutes and click on that Senate graph. Meanwhile, Washington unsurprisingly called for Clinton.
11:48: Yeah, getting up was definitely the wrong thing to do, because all optimism is gone at this point. Mike fucking Pence is about to be Vice-President.
11:50: No. NO. Not Anderson Cooper and his gang of nimrods. Please. Fucking no. This is already depressing enough.
11:52: Wasn’t there an Alaska poll showing Clinton up by four points recently? That would be the only way for this to be even more insane if Hillary won Alaska.
11:54: 62% of voters didn’t think Trump was qualified to be President. Some of them apparently voted for him anyway.
12:02: I’m not sure how much I’ve got left here, guys. I’m completely unprepared for this. At no point– at no fucking point whatsoever— in the last year did I even imagine this to be possible. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to process it. I want to go wake my son up and hug him.
12:05: Pennsylvania, somehow, is a tenth of a point apart.
12:08: Okay, Pittsburgh’s still only 25% in. But they just called Iowa for Trump. This is over. God.
12:22: I’m going to bed. Don’t expect a post tomorrow.