I get the weirdest search queries…

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Sunday blogwanking

I always feel like there’s no reason for anyone to be interested in these, but they always end up creating some conversation, and I find myself popping in when others do similar posts, so maybe I just don’t know anything about what people find interesting.

That said, the tl;dr version of this post is “not much has changed lately.”

One thing I really wish WordPress would do is institute some sort of chart to keep track of Followers.  They’re really inconsistent in how they keep track of your numbers (the phenomenon where I hover around a single number for a couple days then suddenly jump by 30 has not abated) and I’d really like to see some sort of trend.  That said, the blog is fifteen months old and has 3800 followers.  I should pass 4000 in the next couple of weeks.  Still only 76 Likes on Facebook, a number that hasn’t budged in forever; most of the readers seem to be coming directly here, but I still see more referrals from Facebook than any other single source other than Google so I’ll keep the page alive.

So how many of those people are coming here?  Let’s look at charts:

monthly

Monthly first.  I’m still looking to see if I get that huge spike in readership that happened last winter; while there was a bit of a bulge toward the end of the summer (and an expected drop off once school started) traffic has been pretty steady, especially on readers as opposed to page views, since April.  I generally get between 5-6000 page views a month and around 2000 visitors.  September, I think, is going to end up just barely behind August, mostly due to the several days where I was sick and hardly posted.  It won’t be back by much, though.

Weekly

Here’s weekly views, where it’s even clearer that not much has changed in the last several months.  Big drop at the start of school and into that week where I was sick, but other than that everything’s been pretty steady.  That week in April where I got 900+ hits in a day for no clear reason at all still stands all by itself.

And, just for the heck of it, here’s Twitter.  See if you can figure out at which points I started, and stopped, actively trying to gain followers:

twitter

 

I should probably keep pushing on Twitter until I get above that magic 2k mark, but haven’t had the time and energy for it lately.  We’ll see.

At some point I should probably either put some energy into putting together some sort of long-term strategy for this place or hire Gene’O to write me one, but on the other hand, “write about whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want” seems to be working okay so far.  We’ll see.

And now, to spend the rest of the day staring at Word files and cursing at Microsoft.  Fun!

(EDIT:  Just noticed this– this is my 850th post.)

Oh that’s JUST GREAT

I will never stop being entertained and/or completely creeped out by the search queries that lead to my blog:

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I want so badly to know what the unknown search terms are each day, guys.  So badly.

Tonight will be an interesting test; my nerdery will be put head-to-head against my advancing age and inertia.  I want to stay up to preorder an iPhone 6 (12:01 AM provided no technical issues, and we allll know there are gonna be technical issues) but I am old and I like sleep and I have to work tomorrow.  Will I make it?  Or will I go “fuck it,” and get up a little early tomorrow, and maybe omg end of world have to wait an extra week for my new shiny to arrive?

Keep in mind that I waited in line for three days for tickets for Episode One, and do not regret it.  I am an old hand at this shit.  The problem is the “old” bit is literal.

We’ll see what happens.

Posted without comment

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My Google-fu and vocabulary have failed me

The bit that’s flipped up there, so that the pilot can climb inside the jet.  What’s that called?

jet-fighter-cockpit-11568964

I swear to God I’ve just spent several minutes looking for the answer with no luck.  Closest I can get is “windshield,” but I feel like that shouldn’t apply to the back part of the damn thing and plus windshield doesn’t repurpose to part of a spacecraft all that well, since there’s no goddamn wind.  Vacuumshield?  Dumb.

Words are stupid.

(Sidenote: Ha!  There was a period of time early in the life of the blog where for some reason WordPress wanted to add “aviation” as a tag to every single post I wrote no matter what.  I get to use it for real!)

On search engines

49871196Gene’O, partially in response to my post last week about blogwanking and numbers, put up a post today over at Sourcerer about trying to drive search engine hits to their blogs.  It put me in mind of a post that I keep meaning to write and not getting around to.

This post will be filled with profanity, but not for the reason you think.  Just FYI.

Back in February I took a picture of twenty inches of snow in my front yard.  I titled the picture “Man, fuck this.”  And a hilarious search engine blip was born.  It turns out that people who are looking for gay porn (I think?) on the Internet and are, perhaps, not terribly great at constructing Google searches sometimes construct their searches by simply typing “man fuck” into Google and then clicking on everything they see.

If you look at my all-time results for hits from search engines, guys, “manfuck”– all one word– is my number one search result.  “man fuck”– two words– is number two.  Also on the list:  “manfuck.” (one word, with a period), “men fucking nen,” which I hope is a typo but is not my typo, “men to man fuck,” “man fuck other,” “manfuck man,” who is totally the worst superhero of all time, “man to man fuck,” “man to manfuck,” “man fuck man 2014,” because timeliness in your porn is important, and “manfukk.”  Also on the list, but related to different posts: “fucking at burger king,” “fuck at burgerking,” “fucker/post hole digger” (what?) “angry fukning” and “pictfamily fucked,” which I don’t think has anything to do with the historical Picts at all.

Most of the rest of my search results, and this isn’t a joke, are either about Super Why or my reblog of the “worst end of school year mom ever” post.  I repeat: this is not a joke.

And I can only guess what this post is going to do to all of those search queries.  I’m totally gonna corner the market on SEO-optimized blogs for non-internet-savvy porn searchers over here.  🙂

NEWSFLASH: not dead yet

I’mma start a Tumblr for this shit, guys:

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I never get normal search terms around here.  I don’t know what the hell is going on with either of those, although the real bullshit is that I know exactly which post both of them went to.

Anyway.  Went to the doctor.  She established the following:

  • I have not had a heart attack;
  • My blood sugar is normal.

Beyond that?  Right now everyone is clueless.  I have been ordered to not go to work for at least one more day and I have a battery of blood tests I have to go have done tomorrow.  I’m going to call tomorrow afternoon for additional instructions after the blood testing.  For whatever it’s worth, right now I actually don’t feel too bad other than the pervasive “I could just go to bed right now” feeling, but that’s been basically constant since Saturday morning.  I did manage to have dinner without incident; that’s progress.

Tomorrow is my one-year blogiversary, by the way. I was planning on making a big deal out of it but that’ll have to depend on whether the vampires completely drain me or leave me alive tomorrow.  I have, historically, not had great luck with blood draws; I have the veins of a 70-year old heroin addict.  (True fact: the last time I had to have blood drawn, at a medical facility that basically only exists to do bloodwork for other doctors, it took four different nurses to hit a vein– and I damn near passed out in between the third and fourth nurse for reasons that even now remain unclear.  Nurses hate my veins.  I don’t know why.)

So… yeah.  Not dead yet.  Not much else to say, though.

Oh, one more thing

…what exactly might be the impetus for doing a Google search for “piss for big jet tumblr,” and do I actually want to know the answer to that question?

There’s a first-page hit to my blog if you do that, by the way.