Here is what teaching 8th grade boys is like.
Yesterday’s classes were pretty simple: one period of instruction and one period of guided free time; in other words, “so long as you’re working I’m going to leave you alone,” and oh by the way all late work for the quarter is due by the end of the period or you get to keep those zeroes in my grade book.
So the kids are chatting, right? My 8th graders (also known as my honors Algebra group) are actually a pretty pleasant group most of the time, and I’m rarely the type of teacher to insist on absolute quiet unless I’m directly instructing the class. I’m at my desk, intermittently helping kids who need it and working on some grading and lesson planning and email and whatever else it strikes my mind to get accomplished while I actually have some time.
The phrase “hydraulic butt” floats into my ears.
I have a brief moment of no, you did not hear that, and even if you did hear that, you didn’t hear that, and you don’t care. Keep your head down and keep doing whatever you’re doing.
I ignore my brain and look up. There’s a table of four kids sitting near me. Three of them are staring at me with horrified looks on their faces. The fourth is doing his damnedest not to make eye contact, but has perhaps the largest shit-eating grin on his face I’ve ever seen.
A brief note on this kid: I love the hell out of him. Smart as hell, funny, athletic (wrestling, football, and I think whatever running sport– track or cross-country– doesn’t interfere with the other two), polite, and– not for nothin’– a bit of a heartthrob as well. I’d let my daughter date the kid, if I had one.
He goes, again, without looking at me, “Pzzzzzzhooooooooop!” and quite deliberately raises the right half of his body, butt-cheek first, off of his chair.
He goes “Pzzzzzhooooooop!” again, and the other half of his body raises out of his chair. At this point, for no clear reason, the room has fallen completely quiet and everyone is staring at him. He is, at this point, balancing in what looks like a seated position but he’s actually got his ass hovering about an inch above his chair, which I imagine involves rather impressive control of his leg muscles.
I do not speak. Neither does anyone else.
He goes “Psssssssssss…..” and slowly lowers himself back into his chair.
And, on cue, the boy sitting across from him farts. Explosively. Like, loudly enough that we’d have heard it even if the room hadn’t been utterly quiet.
I want to teach at an all-girls’ school.
Discover more from Welcome to infinitefreetime dot com
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Welcome to infinitefreetime dot com 
My son goes to an all boys school – this post is hilarious!!
LikeLike
I’m dying of laughter!!! XD
LikeLike
Pre-adolescent boys are a unique breed. Of course, I can easily see my almost-19-year-old son pulling this stunt, so maybe it’s just boys in general…And really, it’s pretty darned funny – but it’s always a bummer when you have to be the responsible adult and pretend it’s completely NOT funny. 🙂 -Amy
LikeLike
Mom of three boys. I can absolutely see boy number 2 being the hydraulic butt and boy number 3 the farter. Thanks for the laugh.
LikeLike
Yep – it’s boys. My youngest is 14 and I can see him or any of his friends doing this.
LikeLike
I literally could not stop laughing while reading this. This definitely beats my funny experience of when a boy decided to act out the ‘hump day’ commercial by wadding up a sweatshirt to shove on his back under his tee and walking around asking ‘you know what day it is?’ Just think, it could always be worse. I would much prefer hydraulic butts and farts to classroom harassment and violence.
LikeLike
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Omg, is it wrong that I’m laughing so hard right now? Poor you! I had an all boys classroom once, it was “terrible/wonderful”, I love them so much, and the best stories come from that time with them.
Best to you!
LikeLike
How did you not burst out laughing hysterically? Or did you have to leave the room.
LikeLike
Good game. Good game.
LikeLike
Hahahaha!
LikeLike
I didn’t know how much I needed a good laugh, until I read this post. I feel Sooooo much better now.
Thanks! 😉
LikeLike
When I was a teacher and farts happened, I’d just calmly open my desk drawer, grab the can of Lysol spray, walk over and spray all around the kid, never missing a beat, never saying a word.
LikeLike
I’m good and truly laughing out loud. I raised a houseful of kids — 5 boys and 3 girls — and I teach at a community college. No high school should ever let me near. I’d be laughing so hard I’d collapse on the floor. Thanks for posting this. My new semester starts tonight. I was a little meh but now I’m ready to go. 🙂
LikeLike