ELECTION LIVEBLOGGERY/SUICIDE WATCH

On November 8, 2016November 9, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Politics7 Comments

8:29: In front of the TV, iPad on Twitter to my left, laptop in my lap, pile of tacos and Mountain Dew on my right. I HAVE ON MY JACKASS WRISTBAND AND FLORIDA IS TIGHT. LET’S DO THIS, MOTHERFUCKERS.

8:30: The dumbnuts on CNN just called Trump’s lead in Florida “impressive.” It’s five-tenths of a percent. MUST HAVE TACOS.

8:31: I knock my iPad to the floor accidentally and decide one device is enough. CNN calls a few states that surprise no one. Fucking Marco Rubio appears to have won in Florida, which disappoints, and Evan Bayh lost in Indiana, which surprises me a lot. So far though, no states surprise me.

8:35: Remember, guys, California, Oregon and Washington are getting called LAST. Don’t forget that when Wolfie pretends this is back-and-forth or close.

8:37: John King going over the Map of Doom for Florida has convinced me that Clinton is going to win the state. If Clinton takes Florida we’re done here.

8:38: I’ll be wearing this shirt tomorrow by the way:

8:41: I’m out of tacos. WHY AM I OUT OF TACOS ALREADY?

8:42: Eating six tacos in eleven minutes may have been unwise.

8:43: Do you ever get the feeling watching these things that Wolf Blitzer is too dumb to play with the map and is really jealous of John King for being the magic map guy?

8:44: Hey, cool, Mishawaka passed a schools referendum. Toilet paper and chalk for everyone!

8:48: This blurry mess on the side of the Empire State building isn’t actually that impressive, guys.

8:51: My Internet connection shits the bed and CNN goes away.

8:53: Okay, I admit it, I’m a little nervous.

8:55: I shoulda done a map. I honestly can’t remember. Was I expecting Virginia to turn blue? Yes, I think.

8:59: Okay, I know Utah doesn’t close for a while, but can we agree that once again no one gives a shit about the third-party vote? Because clearly we don’t.

9:00: A bunch of states close. Any surprises? Hell yes. TOO CLOSE TO CALL IN MOTHERFUCKING TEXAS.

9:03: Hey, who won in Dixville Notch and Hart’s Location, anyway?

9:05: Clinton won both. Wolf Blitzer has no idea what the word “impressive” means. Meanwhile, it might be time to go ahead and call Georgia.

9:06: All this yellow CNN is using is screwing with me.

9:08: Looks like somebody’s called Texas, which is disappointing.

9:11: Let’s take a dance break:

9:18: Well, it’s clearly going to be closer than I’d thought, but the exact same story is playing out in every state: waiting for the cities to come in, just like always. I’m starting to get text messages from people. It’ll be fine, folks.

9:20: Liveblog over, I gotta find out where CNN is broadcasting from and go punch Wolfie in the throat so that he shuts up.

9:27: Not updating as frequently because nothing is happening. I kinda feel like Johnny would kill for a glass of water right now.

9:29: Wolf seems to think that his job is to point at the map and recite random facts and/or to request a change of the state they’re discussing to some random other one.

9:30: I’d like a Senate update, please.

9:33: Ugh. I was really hoping to be done by eleven.

9:36: Seeing reports on Twitter that Michigan’s getting called for Clinton by some news services. Meanwhile, CNN is showing MI’s raw vote total at Trump, for whatever that’s worth, which isn’t much.

9:40: No one on CNN has said the word “Senate” in the hour I’ve been watching.

9:41: Two more unsurprising projections, as Louisiana and Connecticut go the way everyone figured they would.

9:44: Perhaps time for this again:

wegotthis

9:47: Has Georgia been called yet?

9:52: Virginia is closing. Florida and Ohio looking ugly.

9:56: What the hell is taking New Hampshire so long? I feel like they should be closer to done by now.

9:59: My wife, tired of putting up with CNN, starts watching Gotham on the iPad.

10:01: CNN calls Montana for Trump, another “no surprise” state. Wolf calls a bunch of leads “impressive” again.

10:03: Trump’s up 20 points in Georgia right now. Why hasn’t that state been called yet? Is Atlanta just not in at all right now?

10:07: Also I swear no one has said the word “Maine” all night.

10:13: I spend some time being reassuring on Facebook. I briefly consider just going to bed and then laugh at myself. I may need some more Mountain Dew.

10:15: Continuing the “no surprises” theme: New Mexico called for Clinton, something else… Missouri? called for Trump.

10:18:
10:19: Seriously why is no one talking about Maine. I wanna know what’s going on in Maine!

10:23: What is this “Upshot” thing I’m hearing a lot about tonight for the first time ever? Should I care about it? Going to go with no; I don’t have time to care about new things.

10:24: These ads for Man in the High Castle are not helping.

10:25: Twitter reporting Ohio’s been called for Trump. This is the first genuinely alarming result of the night.

10:35: Maybe for the next election the urban areas everywhere could report first? That would be cool.

10:36: Twitter was moving a lot faster during the debates. Interesting fact.

10:40: CNN calls Virginia for Clinton. Good; we needed that one.

10:41: A reminder that numbers in Michigan are pointless until Detroit starts coming in.

10:43: CNN apparently doesn’t realize this fact, as they’re really trying to drag importance out of early returns from Michigan.

10:44: I don’t even know why:

10:46: I note that results in Michigan are tightening.

10:49: WHY IS NO ONE MENTIONING MAINE. WHY IS MAINE SO IMPORTANT TO ME.

10:50: Colorado called for Clinton. Didn’t they just call Colorado? Argh.

10:51: The other mystery state is Georgia, which they’re showing us on rare occasions and Trump has been dominating. I don’t know why it’s not called yet unless they’re still waiting on Atlanta. I think I just said that a few minutes ago. I’m getting tired.

10:54: Michigan has tightened by a full point in the last eight minutes.

10:56: Seeing reports that Florida has been called for Trump. Okay. Now I’m nervous.

11:00: Idaho, California, and Hawaii immediately called. Still no surprises. CNN hasn’t called Florida yet which surprises me.

11:04: Did I just miss the part of the night where they talked about the exit polling, by the way? Someone just made reference to the gender gap; they’ve not mentioned those numbers at all tonight.

11:05: Michigan down to 1.3 points. I don’t see that holding.

11:06: In the most surreal moment of the night, John King pulls his iPhone out of his pocket to use his calculator. He has the same case I used to have.

11:07: And there goes North Carolina. Still no Florida or Georgia.

11:11: JOE ARPAIO LOST! Finally some unalloyed good news. Then again, Trump will probably make him Secretary of State.

11:18: Oregon comes in.

11:19: I get up to take a piss and feed the cat. Hoping the world doesn’t burn down while I’m gone.

11:24: I seem to have left all of my optimism on the couch when I got up. That’s a problem.

11:32: King quickly passes over the fact that Pittsburgh is only 25% in. Pennsylvania’s going to be fine.

11:35: Florida called for Trump. There is now no margin left at all. We’re probably fucked at this point.

11:41: Maybe take two minutes and click on that Senate graph. Meanwhile, Washington unsurprisingly called for Clinton.

11:48: Yeah, getting up was definitely the wrong thing to do, because all optimism is gone at this point. Mike fucking Pence is about to be Vice-President.

11:50: No. NO. Not Anderson Cooper and his gang of nimrods. Please. Fucking no. This is already depressing enough.

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11:52: Wasn’t there an Alaska poll showing Clinton up by four points recently? That would be the only way for this to be even more insane if Hillary won Alaska.

11:54: 62% of voters didn’t think Trump was qualified to be President. Some of them apparently voted for him anyway.

12:02: I’m not sure how much I’ve got left here, guys. I’m completely unprepared for this. At no point– at no fucking point whatsoever— in the last year did I even imagine this to be possible. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to process it. I want to go wake my son up and hug him.

12:05: Pennsylvania, somehow, is a tenth of a point apart.

12:08: Okay, Pittsburgh’s still only 25% in. But they just called Iowa for Trump. This is over. God.

12:22: I’m going to bed. Don’t expect a post tomorrow.

A few potentially useful reminders regarding tomorrow’s events

On November 7, 2016November 7, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Politics2 Comments

wegotthis

I’m working until eight tomorrow, which is par for the course on a Tuesday, and frankly is probably the best thing for my mental health, since I’ll be able to keep myself busy (vacuum ALL THE THINGS!!) and hopefully won’t be able to stress about the election. By the time I get home I expect to know who my new governor and senator and representatives are. I will be liveblogging from basically the second I’m able to get in front of the TV until I can’t keep my eyes open any longer or I decide to kill myself, whichever comes first.

Until then, some thoughts:

Do not panic.
No, really. Do not panic.
This is a nation of 350 million people and many millions of them will be voting tomorrow. Note that shit is going to go wrong somewhere. Many somewheres, in fact. Try not to draw conclusions and connect dots where there shouldn’t be connected dots. For example:
Someone, somewhere, is going to lose a box of ballots that won’t be found until late. Chances are the reason will be incompetence and not malfeasance.
Someone, somewhere, is going to be denied a vote who should not have been. In fact, probably several someones. This is regrettable but is also unavoidable. Again: 350,000,000 people. Mistakes are going to be made.
Some people are going to try to vote twice. Some of them will be doing it for relatively legitimate reasons! Most of them will be caught. A very small number may slip by.
Someone will stand outside a polling place somewhere with a gun. There will be reports of voter intimidation. These will, by and large, be isolated incidents and chances are they will have been dealt with by local authorities well before you ever hear of them. They are not likely to be evidence of either the KKK or the Black Panthers trying to sway the election.
There will probably be some violence somewhere. Part of the reason for that is that this is America and there is always some violence somewhere. Chances are by the time all the details get sorted out it will be run-of-the-mill violence and not an attempt at voter suppression. Again, do not panic.
There will be early reports that are pro Your Candidate and early reports that are not pro Your Candidate. Take them with salt. Early reports are rarely worth the electrons beaming them into your eyes.
Donald Trump has no campaign and no ground game. Hillary Clinton has the same GOTV operation that got a black guy whose middle name was Hussein elected TWICE. #expectus, motherfuckers.
I expect Clinton to get at least 325 electoral votes. I expect the Dems to take the Senate as well. Sadly, I think Indiana going blue is unlikely, but still not impossible.
Go fucking vote. Stand in line as long as you need to.

One more time, in case you still need it:

wegotthis

I can haz next Wednesday?

On November 2, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Politics4 Comments

wegotthis Had a weird conversation with a co-worker today who was planning on staying up punishingly late tonight to watch Game 7 of the World Series, yet could not understand why I was not expecting to get any sleep next Tuesday night due to staying up late watching election returns, liveblogging, and generally making an ass of myself on Twitter. To my mind, they are basically the same activity, only mine involves literally defeating the forces of evil.

Do not panic, by the way, if you are a Democrat and prone to such things. I have been saying this for months: Hillary is going to win, and she’s going to win big. I don’t care what Nate Silver says, I didn’t care what Nate Silver said a month ago, and I’m not going to care what he says in five or six days. Clinton is going to win. Trump never had a chance. I am more mellow about this election than any in my lifetime, and my memory probably encompasses an extra election or two beyond what you might expect from a 40-year-old, because I have a lifelong habit of paying attention.

I am right about this.

Trust me.

Do not panic.

Meanwhile, speaking of not panicking, the Cubs just went up 5-1. I will probably watch another twenty minutes of baseball and then consign the rest to history and go to bed; I am working my way through a thousand-page Ken Liu novel and kinda want to prioritize that over grown men swinging sticks.

Goal for the next two days: no naps. Likelihood of achieving goal: minimal.

In which 2016 is an asshole yet again: RIP, Steve Dillon

On October 22, 2016October 22, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Geek1 Comment

Goddamn, this one sucks. If you’re not a comic book person you’re unlikely to have heard of Steve Dillon, who passed away today (of as yet unannounced causes; if he was sick, his family kept it quiet, and he was working up to the end) at the disgustingly young age of 54. Dillon did a ton of work in a long career in comics but was known primarily for his work with writer Garth Ennis on titles like Punisher and Preacher. He also had a run on Hellblazer that I’m less familiar with.

Dillon was one of my favorite artists, despite having caught a fair amount of shit from me over the years. His greatest strength as an artist was tied in tightly with his greatest weakness: Steve Dillon could really only draw one face, when it came down to it, and most of his characters ended up being that same face with differences in hair, headgear, eyepatches, things like that. But the man could capture a range of expressions on that face that was flatly unparalleled among any artist I’m aware of. Absolutely goddamn nobody can capture shades of emotion in a comic book character’s look like Dillon could. He had a grounded, realistic style that made him perfect for the books he had long runs on and occasionally (and I say this with love, believe me) hilariously inappropriate for others:

That is, believe it or not, supposed to be the Hulk.

He’s also responsible for this moment, which will live forever:

If you have led the type of life that resulted in getting paid real money to draw the Punisher punching a polar bear in the face, you have won as a human being. Steve will be greatly, greatly missed. He was one of the good guys.

He ain’t never gon’ be President now: in which I liveblog the third debate for some reason

On October 19, 2016October 19, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn idiocy, Politics6 Comments

8:57: Having only just now decided officially that I’m going to watch this damn thing, I put on my Jackass wristband.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I’ve had this headline in mind since the first debate. Granted, it’s not the most subtle joke of all time, but I’m kinda pissed at Lin-Manuel for what happens around the three minute mark of this video:

Quit stealing my thunder, dude.

9:00: God, moderator dude whose name I used to know but can’t remember right now, I can’t handle your voice. This may be a terrible idea. I need to figure out what my picture theme is going to be. Moderator dude asks for “blessed silence,” and immediately Wolf Blitzer starts talking, which seems oddly appropriate.

9:02: I come up with a theme. I predict, in response to Wolf’s dumb question, that Trump will not take the high road.

9:05: Technically, the audience hasn’t agreed to anything. They just didn’t argue with you when you said they’d shut up. The first question is about the Supreme Court, which is blessedly important and non-stupid. I think my biggest problem with the second debate was how dumb the audience questions were.

9:08: Clinton gives a typically substantive answer, although she doesn’t touch the “living document” aspect of the question. Meh. Two minutes. Trump takes the opportunity to take shots at Ruth Bader Ginsburg and then yaps about the Second Amendment. No Democrat in recent memory has taken even a half-assed shot at fiddling with the Second Amendment; I don’t have any idea how the hell Republicans are still scaring people with this shit. It’s not his worst answer in history, but that’s a crazy-low bar.

9:12: Trump opens his mouth as if he’s thinking about interrupting and then closes it again.

9:14: Toddlers shot 43 people in the United States in 2015, by the way.

9:16: Yes sure let’s talk about abortion. Trump hasn’t interrupted yet but he keeps opening his mouth and closing it and sometimes mouthing words. Not sure what’s going on there.

9:17: I thought this was going to be a table debate, by the way, and I’m kinda glad it’s not. I note that in this debate Clinton has gone on the attack before Trump. This surprises me.

9:18: Trump takes a drink and his hands are visibly shaking. There’s a bit of back-and-forth on late-term abortions. Clinton hits it out of the park.

9:21: Let’s see if Trump denies any of his previous statements on immigration.

9:23: Return of the Sniffles. Twice in less than thirty seconds. Make that three times in less than a minute. We have to “get” the drug lords, says the guy who is sniffling like a cocaine addict.

9:24: More water. He’s had more water in the first twenty minutes of the debate then either of them in the first two debates.

9:25: “Trump went to Mexico. Didn’t even raise the issue of the wall. He choked.” We’ll see if he can keep his shit together. I’m not sure Trump actually remembers the Mexican president’s name.

9:26: And heeeeeere we go. He cannot.

9:27: She’s absolutely right here. You curtail undocumented immigration by cutting off the jobs. This is why immigration is such a divisive issue within the Republican party— because the money people know they need cheap labor and the socialcons want fewer brown people.

9:29: Whatshisnuts is getting run over by both of them.

9:30: I love that Ecuador cut Julian Assange’s internet connection off, by the way.

9:31: Trump laughs at Clinton pivoting from Wikileaks to Russian espionage and then immediately begins talking about terrorism and ISIS. He’s moving into mid-debate Trump at this point; he kept his shit together for half an hour and that’s all that he can handle. He’s currently yelling “No puppet! You’re the puppet!” into the microphone.

9:33: Have we seriously never had a foreign government try to meddle in our elections? I admit that I can’t come up with an example but I’m startled at the notion that it’s never happened. She’s laughing at Trump again, who is insisting that no one has any idea who was behind the leaks.

9:36: Here we go again with the “we can’t afford NATO” nonsense. He literally said Saudi Arabia and Japan should have nuclear weapons. It’s like he has no idea that what he says gets recorded.

9:37: The next topic is the economy. I decide to check in on Twitter. More water.

9:39: I grayed out for a minute. Clinton is still talking so I assume we’re still on the economy? Sure.

disaster 9:40: It blows my mind that this whole “tax cuts on the wealthy” thing is still an idea. I’m super happy that Clinton passes on the phrase “Trumped-up trickle-down” this time. It was never any good. Trump goes right back to government-as-protection-racket. Sigh.

9:42: Holy crap. Trump said Japan shoudl have nukes while talking to Chris Wallace, who is currently moderating the debate:

Screen Shot 2016-10-19 at 9.43.32 PM.png

Maybe bring that up, Chris.

9:45: Interesting how Wallace can remember previous interviews that he’s done when he’s talking to Hillary.

9:46: Has she described her plan as “from the middle out, from the ground up” before? I like that turn of phrase.

9:47: He’s reverted to Calm Trump. Time to needle him again.

9:48: More water. Calm Trump lasted maybe 30 seconds, sorry about that. He’s back to Turtle Smile Trump, where he sticks his lips out and looks stupider than normal. He gives her an opportunity to attack his connections with Chinese manufacturing and she takes it. There’s that needle I was wondering about.

9:50: “Make it impossible for me to be unethical and I won’t be unethical any more!” Good job, Donald.

9:51: Whoopsie. He gives her another chance to compare their records. This is not a good idea, Donald. You will not come ahead on this.

9:52: Count down to bankruptcies in three… two… one…

9:53: Wow. She lets Wallace change the subject without pushing back. Then again, Wallace changes the subject to Trump groping women, asking him “why would so many women make up being groped by you?” So… it’s a wash, I take it?

9:54: What the fuck is he talking about? The Clinton campaign paying people to be violent at his rallies? Are you fucking kidding me?

9:55: He denies saying that women weren’t attractive enough to abuse. Yeah he did. You’re on tape, you fucking idiot.

9:57: Clinton comes perilously close to saying “make America great again” and catches herself just in time. That would have been funny.

9:58: Oh god enough with the fucking emails.

9:59: There’s gotta be better ways to get famous than by telling the entire world Donald Trump grabbed you by the pussy. I’m just saying.

oscar_isaac_apocalypse

10:00: The idea that he’s blaming her for the violence at his rallies is flat-out insane. What the fuck is the tape he’s talking about? Does anyone know what he’s referring to?

10:01: I spend a moment thinking about praising Chris Wallace for being more evenhanded than I expected him to be and then he brings up the Clinton Foundation. Sigh. The Clinton Foundation’s books are open, folks, and the charity gets ridiculously high marks from watchdog groups. It should not be surprising that people with the money to make large donations to the Clinton Foundation are also people who are influential enough to meet with the Secretary of State. Trump calls the Foundation a “criminal enterprise” twice.

10:02: I’m guessing that “Because the money got spent fighting AIDS in Africa” is the reason why they aren’t going to give the money back. Trump somehow uses having been to Little Haiti somewhere in Florida as evidence of his foreign policy cred. Do you think he knows that they aren’t the same place?

10:04: Trump is blatantly lying about his foundation right now. Blatantly fucking lying. The state of New York has banned the Trump Foundation from continuing to raise money. Between this and the last couple of minutes of nonsense about Clinton taking money as if she got to spend Foundation donations herself. This is fucking ridiculous. And he goes back to the “I can’t be blamed for being unethical” bullshit again.

10:07: WHY HASN’T ANYONE STOPPED ME FROM BEING SUCH AN ENORMOUS FUCKING ASSHOLE YET??? Fuck you, Donald.

10:08: Trump refuses to accept the result of the election. Flat-out refuses, on stage, during a presidential debate. A moment later, he says that it’s because there are “people registered to vote” who shouldn’t be. Get this evil fascist fucker the fuck off the fucking stage.

10:09: We all know who the loser is in this situation, Chris.

10:10: Clinton rips his guts open and dances in a shower of his blood.

10:12: God, can we please ban the use of the word “surge” by any politician for at least, oh, I dunno, the next thirty or forty years? A generation or two? Please?

10:16: I stop paying attention to the several minutes where Trump is talking about foreign policy. It’s too fucking tiring. He’s denying supporting the Iraq war again despite the reams of evidence to the contrary. I suddenly really wanna go to bed.

10:18: blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

10:19: Clinton calls Trump “the most dangerous person to run for office in modern memory” or something similar, and Wallace laughs.

10:20: Trump is now blatantly arguing with Wallace. I don’t even know what he’s talking about right now. Then again, no one does. I don’t think Trump knows what “fallen” means in this context.

10:21: Trump is praising foreign dictators again. God, the shit he’s saying just doesn’t make any fucking sense. We’re not in Syria right now. Does he even know that?

10:23: For the record, I have absolutely no idea how to cut the Gordian knot that is Syria, and no idea whether a no-fly zone has any chance of being a good idea. I do know the safest thing for everyone is to keep Donald fucking Trump as far away from the fucking decision-making process as we fucking can.

10:26: “We’re bringing GDP from one percent,” says a man who has no fucking idea what GDP stands for.

10:28: I love how every single one of Donald Trump’s plans is “We’re gonna make it great” with absolutely no goddamned details at all ever. Every single one of them.

10:30: “Can I say something?” Trump says. “No,” Wallace says. Trump says something.

10:31: You save Social Security by getting rid of the cap on contributions. It ain’t hard. Yeah, it’s a tax raise. They’ll live.

10:32: Trump says he’s glad that premiums are rising under Obamacare.

10:33: Pretty sure Clinton’s not about to tell the world she’s gonna slash SS or Medicare benefits. “Such a nasty woman,” Trump says. Guess which word is the one he really has a problem with.

10:34: “Your husband disagrees with you,” the misogynist says. So?

10:35: I predict that Clinton talks about why she should be elected and Trump talks about why Clinton shouldn’t be elected.

10:36: From literally the first words out of his mouth, I’m right. She doesn’t mention him at all in her final statement. Obama’s approval ratings have never been higher and he’d have 80% of the vote if he were running. Go the fuck away, you witless cretin.

wegotthis

Okay so

On October 19, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Politics5 Comments

what if I liveblogged the debate tonight but instead of watching it I just monitored Twitter?

You must be out of your Goddamned mind: in which I liveblog the 2nd presidential #debate

On October 9, 2016October 9, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Politics10 Comments

First of all:

Okay. I can do this. I can do this. I’ll survive. Also, the rest of this post will be populated by pictures of adorable animals wearing hats because I think we’ll all need that tonight.

We ready? Okay. Here we go.

8:46: I put on my Jackass wristband. I realize the TV isn’t on yet and I’m in my recliner already and don’t know where the Goddamn remote is. I hit Submit while I look for it.

8:51: I get everything situated. CNN, bewilderingly, is showing the chancellor of the university and some muckety-muck from the debate commission yapping at the students in the audience about how other countries don’t let people ~~be ignored by candidates while they talk about whatever they want~~ ask questions of their candidates. How many countries are actually “shocked” by this? Can’t be that many, can it? At any rate, I can hear the audience not paying attention in my soul and I’m surprised that CNN isn’t showing yapping heads. I don’t think I actually miss them though.

8:53: For the record I’ll give Trump no more than a 50/50 chance of actually staying on stage for the entire debate.

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8:54: The student body president is talking now. He tells the front three rows that they may get wet.

8:55: The talking heads are on now. Wolfie sounds really depressed. They’re actually debating whether the spouses will shake hands. We are reminded that the people asking the questions are undecided voters, meaning that they are among the stupidest people in the world and really don’t belong at this forum in the first place.

8:57: God, Uday and Qusay just reek of loser fratboy rapist asshole. I am entertained that they felt like they needed two moderators tonight. Unmentioned is the bouncer backstage.

9:00: Holy shit is Melania’s death glare impressive.

9:01: Every so often I forget that Anderson Cooper and John… wait, is his last name Anderson? Anyway, I forget that they’re not the same person. They might actually be; the glasses might be some kind of Clark Kent thing.

9:02: There was some mumbling on Twitter this morning that Pence had actually quit the race but it doesn’t appear to have developed into anything.

9:04: If anyone was considering dropping a nuclear weapon on northern Indiana anytime soon I’d really appreciate it if it happens in the next three or four minutes.

9:05: EXCEPT FOR NOW!

9:06: No handshake, but Hillary said hello like twelve times. Trump is standing behind his chair for some reason.

9:07: The first question is dumb. This will, no doubt, be a theme tonight. There are at least three black questioners and I don’t have the slightest idea how it’s possible that they found three black undecided voters in St. Louis.

9:09: Are they really going to have to hold microphones during the debate? Seriously? No wireless mikes? Trump doesn’t move during his answer and — oh, there’s the first sniffle — fills it with irrelevant statistics that have even less to do with the answer than Hillary did. He claims that police officers are being killed on a “weekly basis.” Nah.

9:11: Here we go. Anderson goes straight at him about the videotape; Trump denies what every single one of us have heard. Trump yaps about ISIS. This isn’t gonna work.

9:12: “No one has more respect for women than I do.” Sure.

9:13: That jacket doesn’t fit, by the way. Hillary gets a chance to respond to the tape. I hope she just says “no,” but naturally she doesn’t. Instead she says to his face that he’s not fit to be President. Whoa.

9:14: Is there another question coming? Maybe one that isn’t dumb? Hillary returns to the “we are great because we are good” line, which I think maybe I like? I’m not sure.

9:16: What kind of downers do you think they have him on right now? And can he actually not breathe through his mouth? He’s already whining about fairness. Fucking loser.

9:18: Second question also about the tapes. He’s fucked. He says that there’s no one in “the history of politics” more abusive toward women than Bill Clinton. Thomas Jefferson comes to mind.

This isn’t going to work, Donnie.

9:21: Hillary demonstrates why it isn’t going to work. He’s not running against Bill Clinton. He’s running against Hillary.

9:22: It’s as if Hillary didn’t just spend years working for the Obama administration. She’s openly laughing at Trump on stage right now.

9:23: Holy shit why is his tie so long. It’s past his crotch! What the hell kind of grown man wears a tie like that?

9:24: He yaps about “acid-washing” the emails. Does Donald Trump think emails are jeans? Hillary literally can’t get through her answer without chuckling.

9:26: Jesus I just don’t give one single fuck about Hillary’s emails. Not one single tiny little fuck, ever, at all. No fucks. None.

9:28: Nobody gives a fuck. Still. And nobody knows what the hell Sniffly’s even talking about. Are we only on the second question from the audience?

9:29: This is a child. How the hell is anyone voting for this guy?

9:31: I occasionally refer to Obamacare as the My Mom Might Be Dead If This Law Hadn’t Passed Law, if you were wondering where I stand on it.

9:32: I’m very good with this answer, for the record.

9:33: The “You can just die if you’re poor and get sick” act of When The Fuck Are The Republicans Going to Release Their Health Plan is the alternative Trump is talking about here.

9:34: I note Jules from Pulp Fiction is sitting over Hillary’s shoulder.

9:35: Employer-based healthcare is the root of the problem, for the record. What is Trump doing right now? He’s standing with his arms at his side and just sort of fucking wandering around like an idiot. For the first time, Clinton ignores Anderson trying to follow up.

9:37: Trump’s plan is literally “You’re gonna have plans.” That’s all he ever says. “You’re gonna have plans.” People are going to vote for this idiot.

9:38: Maybe if Trump had health insurance he’d stop sniffling. “We’re gonna keep pre-existing.” Idiotic.

9:39: They found an undecided Muslim in St. Louis. No they didn’t.

9:40: Trump is asked how he’ll help Muslims deal with being treated as a threat to our country and he says that they’ll have to call the cops on each other when they have bombs. It’s the dumbest thing he’s said yet.

9:41: Unfortunately, Hillary also hits the “you’ve gotta rat each other out” line, although not as harshly as Trump does. She makes it sound a bit more inclusive somehow.

9:43: blah blah blah blah lies lies lies lies lies. He whines about the moderator some more.

9:44: I’m pretty sure Republicans are against safe spaces, aren’t they? Hillary’s laughing at him again.

9:45: I kind of wish I had time to pay attention to Twitter right now. My wife is sitting a few feet away staring at her phone and she’s been cackling all night.

9:47: She’s laughing at him again. I’m pretty sure Sniffles hasn’t so much as cracked a smile all night.

9:49: Damn sure politicans should have private and public opinions. That’s because it’s politics. If you’re not going to move someone from A to C on your own all at once, shoot for B and talk like you’re a fan of B until everyone gets there. Then move them to C. This does not bother me.

9:50: Any time I hear the word “Wikileaks” I reach for my gun. Then I remember I don’t have one and I’m sad.

9:52: “I know nothing about Russia,” says the Republican candidate for President of the United States. Then he yammers something about how she can ask the “United States Government” about his taxes. I literally have no idea what the hell Sniffles is talking about right now. He repeats the lie about being audited again.

9:54: “Why didn’t you change the tax code to prevent me from cheating on my taxes?” asks the Republican candidate for President of the United States. I’m getting bored. There are, somehow, 35 minutes late.

9:55: BIG-LEAGUE!!!

9:57: Hillary is either really passionate about the tax code or her composure is starting to crack a little bit. She looks pissed for the first time during the debate.

9:58: Trump just admitted he hasn’t paid federal taxes in 20 years.

9:59: Was that my connection, or did his mic actually just short out for a second?

10:00: He names a bunch of names and then says he’s not going to name names.

10:01: This “had a chance and didn’t do anything about it” line might actually have room for some traction if it wasn’t surrounded by so much goddamn insane crazy shit. His mic cuts out again.

10:02: Does he seriously not understand how the Congress works? She pivots straight into talking positively about her record. Whoopsie. Meanwhile, I’m wondering how many actual audience questions we’ve had tonight.

10:03: How many goddamn times has Facebook been mentioned in this debate? And I’m pretty sure we’ve been talking about Syria since before that picture was taken.

10:04: I suspect Trump’s answer will not actually involve Syria and will be about allowing refugees in. Just a hunch. I take a moment thinking about arguing with the questioner’s Holocaust analogy and decide not to bother.

0000ae90_big 10:06: My feed shits out for a few seconds. When it comes back, Sniffles is somehow claiming that Russia is “new in terms of nuclear,” which… what? That’s barely even English.

10:08: What the hell is he talking about? This literally doesn’t make a single fucking bit of sense. As I predicted, his answer has nothing to do with the humanitarian crisis.

10:09: “He and I haven’t spoken,” says the Republican candidate for President of the United States about his running mate.

10:10: Still not talking about the humanitarian crisis. He’s asked by the moderator what will happen if Aleppo falls and starts talking about Mosul.

10:11: This guy’s a fucking psychopath.

10:12: For the record, I wouldn’t be surprised if ground forces end up in Syria within the next couple of years no matter who is the President.

10:14: Haven’t we already armed the hell out of the Kurds? I actually don’t know the answer to that, for the record.

10:15: ‘Sup, Jules?

10:15: Wait, really, that’s your question? “Will you be a devoted president to all our people?” Are you fucking kidding me? You’re not Jules. Jules was cool. You’re the guy from Black Snake Moan. Trump’s yapping about the gold standard; I don’t even know what that means. He appears to be entirely unaware that black people live outside of the inner cities. He’s unable to even discuss black or Latino issues without talking about inner cities.

10:17: I bet the insanely red-faced fat man is a Republican. Just a hunch. My sound cuts out again. I kinda feel like Jules was asking a Jesus question and didn’t think he could get away with it.

10:20: “My argument is not with his supporters. It’s with him.” That’s actually not a bad answer. I can get away with calling Trump’s supporters a festering pit of racist, sexist ass-cysts. Hillary probably shouldn’t.

10:21: Seriously Sniffles should be able to afford a tailor and a suit that fits. This is ridiculous.

10:22: He’s not seriously about to go after Alicia Machado again, is he? I quit out of the app and go back in again and we’ve gone 45 seconds back in time OH MY GOD THIS DEBATE WILL NEVER END. KILL ME.

10:23: It was totally “check out a sex tape.” He tries to shoehorn in Benghazi, which is also something no one cares about. My feed is really starting to shit the bed.

10:24: I can’t decide if I’m sad or relieved that my internet connection has decided to kill itself rather than attempt to continue streaming the debate.

10:25: I have no idea one way or another but I would wager the entire contents of my wallet that growth is not in fact the slowest since 1929.

10:26: “I will name Barack Obama to the Supreme Court.” SAY IT.

10:28: She doesn’t say that, but this was a good, direct answer.

10:29: I feel like Sniffles has directed very few of his answers at actual members of the audience tonight. Trump pivots, for some reason, into asking Clinton why she isn’t self-funding her own campaign.

10:31: I hear the name “Ken Bone” and start laughing. Then I see Ken Bone and what he decided to wear to the debate and I cannot even any longer. I don’t even know what the fuck his question was about; I was laughing too loud and didn’t hear it. Is it sleepytime yet? I want it to be sleepytime. I may be a little loopy by this point.

10:32: KEN BONE!

10:33: Kenbooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne.

10:34: Kenbone kenbone, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

10:35: Kenboan’s sweater looks warm and comfy and I want to crawl into it while he’s wearing it. It is possible that he’s wearing a white tie with his white shirt but I can’t quite tell. Bone bone fo-fone banana fana fo-bone, me mi mo mone BONE.

10:36:

10:37: Suddenly Trump turns very complimentary as his final statement and I don’t know what’s going on and it’s overrrrrrrr

IN CONCLUSION:

For the record: on Bill Clinton

On October 9, 2016October 9, 2016 By Luther M. SilerIn Politics1 Comment

44_bill_clinton_3x4-1 We’re about to have another dumpster fire of a town-hall debate, in about an hour or so, and I’m going to attempt to liveblog the thing again, although I continue to make no promises that I’ll actually survive the thing. I wanted to get one thing out of the way before the debate starts, however, in anticipation of a certain participant attempting to make hay of Bill Clinton’s record with women.

I had a conversation with my wife the other day about, were Clinton somehow younger than he is now and not so obviously addled (I really do think the man is seriously unhealthy) and if he ran for President– you can see how this hypothetical gets convoluted quickly– knowing what we know, or suspect, about him, would either of us vote for him? Bill Clinton was the first Presidential candidate I ever cast a ballot for, in 1996. I wasn’t old enough to vote for him in 1992, but I would have.

We ended up agreeing that, with his we’ll say shady reputation, it was highly unlikely that nowadays he’d even manage to get the nomination in the first place. My wife brought up the example of John Edwards, who you may have heard of, but certainly not recently. For the non-family-values party, the Dems certainly don’t seem too big on adulterers.

But: I voted for a guy in 1996 who has been accused of rape and multiple instances of sexual harassment, and would have voted for him again in 2000 had the Constitution not prevented it, and by that time he’d not only been accused of rape and sexual harassment but he’d been caught in an affair that was at best squicky about the power relationship between the two legally-consenting adults involved.(*)

I would not, in 2016, vote for a man with such a record. I suspect in 1996 I simply brushed the entire thing off. In 2016 the number of women involved and the skeevery of the affair we know he had are more than enough to prevent me from ever voting for him again, or anyone like him now. I don’t know what the hell happened with Juanita Broaddrick, Paula Jones, or any of the rest of them, but one of the big differences between me now and me in 1996 is my deliberately cultivated habit of believing women when they accuse people of this shit now. I will still defend Clinton’s presidency. I will not defend him as a person, and I wouldn’t vote for him again. Those three things can all be true at the same time.

And it should go without saying that not a bit of this has any reflection on the job Hillary Clinton would do as president. None of us are being asked to vote for Bill again, and Bill’s nature as a sexual harasser is not a relevant issue to Hillary’s suitability for the presidency. Trump will try and confuse the issue; he should be scoffed at. Hillary is no more responsible for Bill’s activities than any of Trump’s three wives (one of whom has sworn under oath that he raped her, by the way) are responsible for his. Hillary has chosen to remain married to her husband; her reasons are hers, and are none of my business.

Still glad that I get to vote on Wednesday, by the way.

(*) I looked up the timeline: I coulda sworn this happened earlier, but apparently Broaddrick’s allegation that Clinton had raped her happened in 1999, after both of his elections, and she denied it happening while being questioned under oath during the Paula Jones case. I’m not interested right now in digging further to see if I’m thinking of a different person, and I don’t think the timeline changes much, honestly.