On anxiety: an observation

On By Luther M. SilerIn Stories

Unknown.jpegThis post probably could have just been a handful of Tweets, but I’d kinda like it a bit less ephemeral than that.  First things first; I’ve talked, a couple of times, about some of the things about Penny Arcade that make it somewhat problematic for me to be a fan of theirs. That said, when Mike gets something right, he really gets it right, and you probably ought to read the piece he put up yesterday on his, and his son’s, issues with controlling anxiety.

Second: I am, as most of you full well know, currently on medical leave due to (primarily) anxiety issues.  I’m taking Clonazepam after having a genuinely shit reaction to the Lexapro I initially started on.

Every so often, I catch myself feeling like I’ve managed to pull a con on somebody.  Not often, but it happens.  This got you on medical leave?  Really?  Because most of the time, I’m fine.  It’s the 10% of the time when I’m not fine, and the unpredictability of the arrival of that 10%, when it becomes clear that, yes, I really do have a problem right now, and it is best for everyone if that problem does not strike during a time when I am responsible for educating the children of other people.

I just got out of the shower maybe twenty minutes ago– shut up, I’m at home by myself, I’ll shower when I want— and all the sudden the whole world crashed down around me.  I’m not going to get into the details, but it was bad.

And then it hit me that I had forgotten to take my pill this morning.  My routine was a little disrupted from usual and I forgot.

And it took, oh, six hours without any Clonazepam in my system for me, out of nowhere and with no particular anxiety-inducing trigger, to be reduced to a miserable, shuddering wreck.

(And I should also be clear that I’m still having occasional flare-ups while on the medication.  But they apparently trigger immediately if I forget to take it.  Is that just what my life was like before I started taking this shit?  Jesus.)

9 thoughts on “On anxiety: an observation”

  2. This is a very brave post and I like how ‘matter-of-a-fact’ you are about things. I hope you feel better soon Luther. I have mild anxiety issues myself and know a few people who are medicated for various anxieties. Finding the sweet spot or emotional balance seems to take some time.

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    1. Thanks, Jam (is it okay that I’m entertained that the first two comments here are from Jim and Jam?) One of the really interesting things about writing about my anxiety issues on the blog is discovering that virtually everyone I know has been on SOMETHING at some point, if not right at this exact second. It really genuinely is a hidden disease, because I’ve been stunned at the number of private messages I’ve gotten from people who have either struggled with anxiety and depression or, like me, have had massive issues with one of their medications. Thanks again for the kind thoughts.

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      1. I’m more than pleased to provide some entertainment on a Saturday! I’m just happy that more people are speaking out about these issues because they are a modern plague in our world and the sooner we de-stigmatise the issues, the sooner more people get the help and support they need 🙂

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      2. There was a wonderful ad in Australia (many years ago – certainly last century!) for Tim-Tams, two rectangular cookies covered in chocolate and filled with cream. The ad featured people in their ‘Jim-jams’ (pyjamas) eating their Tim-Tams.
        Blast from the past. 😀

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  3. caregivingstinks

    Just at the front end of getting some treatment for this kind of crap. I have absolutely nothing useful to add or to share, but I will say thank you because you certainly helped me off of the “I’m the world’s unique jerk and loser” edge. What you describe (being jumped on by it) made me feel less alone with whatever this is. I hope for better days ahead for you.

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  4. Lexapro made my skin crawl, but Clonzapam works well for me. I applaud your openness about this. I am also impressed that you are still writing, creating and being an actor on the world stage of the internet. Your post about refugees and terrorists was wonderful. So was your burning review of Snowpiercer!

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