So I’ve figured out exactly why soccer isn’t going to ever really catch on in the States. It’s not the low scoring, although that’s part of it. It’s the inaccuracy. I just watched Cristiano Ronaldo, a soccer player so amazingly well-known and famous that I have heard of him, take a free kick on goal that missed the goal completely. It is at least the fourth shot on goal in this game that was not touched by any defensive player and literally did not even come close to actually touching the goal. I’m not talking about shots that were deflected by defensive players or the goalie. I’m talking about a guy with an open shot ten or fifteen yards from the goal who proceeds to miss the goal completely, and about the fact that this phenomenon happens all the time in supposedly “professional” soccer.
And it’s not limited to shots on goal either. Passes, corner kicks– why the hell is a corner kick even a thing?– regularly appear to go absolutely nowhere near where they are supposed to go. It lends the entire sport this weird atmosphere of amateurism and randomness that I don’t think us ‘Merkins really like to see in our pro sports.
I can hear the soccer fans. “Well, it’s difficult to <x>!” Well, I’m sure it is. That’s the problem. There appears to be no difference between athletic brilliance and pure geometric accident. Our goalie just pulled off what, on first glance, looked like an awesome save– but was it, really? There were two shots in rapid succession. One caromed off the goalpost– because, again, the offensive player missed— and bounced right back toward a bunch of other Portuguese players. One of them kicked it again, and our goalie, who let a goal in earlier by just falling down instead of doing some sort of, y’know, cool goalie thing, and who was already flailing around and stumbling because of the previous shot, just threw his hands up and just managed to deflect the ball over the top of the goal.
Was that an awesome save? Incredible athletic skill from one of the premiere soccer players on Earth? Or just dumb luck? Dunno; near as I can tell they look exactly the same.
(It’s halftime. Some doof sportscaster dude just said if you “take out the goals,” it would have looked like the US lost the last game and was winning this one. Can you imagine someone saying that about basketball or football? It means that scoring is basically random in soccer. That’s bad!)
I have a suggestion.
Eliminate the position of goalie entirely.
Think about it. Most of the missed shots in this game have been just that– missed shots. Each goalie has maybe a couple of saves, and I’m willing to bet that at least a couple of those misses wouldn’t have hit the goal anyway. It’s apparently really goddamn difficult to hit the goal. Why have somebody in the game whose job it is to make scoring even more rare? Get rid of ’em. Add another midfielder instead or something. It’ll make the game more exciting and at least make it look more skillful.
Get on that, FIFA.
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But you just won! Wasn’t it exciting?,
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You must have turned the match off with five seconds left. 😦 Keep in mind, and maybe I should have emphasized this in the post more, but I actually like watching soccer. I’ve literally watched more soccer in the last few weeks than all other sports combined in the past year or so.
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So what was the final score?! Happy watching. To my English mind it is far more exciting and spontaneous than American football with all the set moves. And then there is rugby, that os someting else entirely!
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Tied at 2-2. Literal last second Portuguese header to equalize– I mean, tie. 🙂
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Happy watching!
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Love this post. One reason why I love Hockey so much is that since the rink is small, it requires precision. Yes, there are a lot of lucky bounces. Since the soccer pitch is so wide open, it’s not a necessity for it to be on target every time. In Hockey, if you aren’t precise, you get the disadvantage of icing and the puck goes right back to your end.
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As an avid soccer fan I have to disagree with every single thing you said. Maybe soccer won’t catch on in the US and I’m okay with that. It’s a different type of game. We Americans are so addicted to instant gratification that it is difficult for us to enjoy a game like soccer which takes you on an emotional roller coaster if you know the game. I was out of my seat with excitement so many times the toddlers were staring at me as if I’d lost my mind. I had. No, soccer is not a game of accuracy, but there is a lot if skill involved. There’s a lot of chance involved too and one tiny misstep can change the entire game. Like Bradley not going a little harder after that pass in the final minute. If he or the other defenders had just held them up 30 more seconds, we’d have won. But that’s the nature of the game. You never know which seconds count until it’s over. And as for Ronaldo, he’s actually amazing. That game was off for him. Every athlete has a rough game, or in his case a rough patch because he hasn’t scored in three games. I just wish that people could say, “Soccer’s not for me, but I hope you enjoy it.” Instead of knocking the game. I don’t like golf, but I don’t begrudge anyone else their enjoyment of the game.
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Well, I’m not going to say “Soccer’s not for me, but I hope you enjoy it,” because– as I’ve pointed out once already in this post and several times in my other soccer posts since the Cup began– I like watching soccer. There hasn’t been a day since the Cup started that I haven’t watched at least part of a game, and several where I’ve basically done nothing but watched soccer all day.
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Then why would you want to change the game? No goalies? If you look at that it’s like saying, “Soccer doesn’t work for an AMERICAN audience, so we should change it to suit them.” What about the millions of people world wide who love the game? And I wasn’t necessarily saying “you” didn’t like soccer. I guess I should be more specific. I’m just tired of all the comments I’ve heard lately about how soccer is boring, Americans don’t like it, can’t wait for the World Cup to be over. I just felt that suggesting that soccer was inaccurate and that we should change the game to boost American viewership was along those lines. And as to soccer being a game of “inaccuracy”, well, I see your point, to a point. Yes, there are a lot of missed goals where we, the viewer, think it should have been on target. It’s easy for us to judge when we aren’t there kicking that ball. My own family debated the abilities of every player during the match for mistakes. I just think that it is a lot harder than it looks, and my family of soccer players should know that. If you look at Jermaine Jones goal, he meant to put it right where it went, but he was lucky no Portugal player blocked it. It’s a game of skill and accuracy, combined with mistakes. Capitalizing on your opponents mistakes is part of the game. The ONLY part of soccer I would love to change is flopping. It’s so demeaning and dishonest. But it is so deeply ingrained in the game it will never come out. I was also disappointed in some of the dirty play on Portugal’s side. I saw a few times where a Portugal player punched our players, then tried to make it look like we knocked him down. I don’t get that. Play rough, play hard, but be honest. Just my opinion.
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