First of all, no, and second of all, bring your ass over here so I can swat you on the nose with this rolled-up newspaper, because NO.
Fuckin’ internet.
Tag: search results
Okay who did this
In which people search
I was all ready to give up on the idea of a blog post today, and then I happened to glance at my search results, and found this gem:
What, uh, post do you think THAT little search gem led to?
Well, this one, as it turns out, on page 3 of the results, which is yet another point in favor of my theory that people don’t have any idea how the hell to use Internet searches effectively– they just type in words and then click on page after page of results no matter what those results lead to.
Just, hell, when your necrophile murderer porn fantasies lead you here, make sure to buy a book before you go.
Well they aren’t exactly wrong
There is probably still a full post coming today, but while I’m still out and about I wanted to immortalize today’s search results:
On search engines
Gene’O, partially in response to my post last week about blogwanking and numbers, put up a post today over at Sourcerer about trying to drive search engine hits to their blogs. It put me in mind of a post that I keep meaning to write and not getting around to.
This post will be filled with profanity, but not for the reason you think. Just FYI.
Back in February I took a picture of twenty inches of snow in my front yard. I titled the picture “Man, fuck this.” And a hilarious search engine blip was born. It turns out that people who are looking for gay porn (I think?) on the Internet and are, perhaps, not terribly great at constructing Google searches sometimes construct their searches by simply typing “man fuck” into Google and then clicking on everything they see.
If you look at my all-time results for hits from search engines, guys, “manfuck”– all one word– is my number one search result. “man fuck”– two words– is number two. Also on the list: “manfuck.” (one word, with a period), “men fucking nen,” which I hope is a typo but is not my typo, “men to man fuck,” “man fuck other,” “manfuck man,” who is totally the worst superhero of all time, “man to man fuck,” “man to manfuck,” “man fuck man 2014,” because timeliness in your porn is important, and “manfukk.” Also on the list, but related to different posts: “fucking at burger king,” “fuck at burgerking,” “fucker/post hole digger” (what?) “angry fukning” and “pictfamily fucked,” which I don’t think has anything to do with the historical Picts at all.
Most of the rest of my search results, and this isn’t a joke, are either about Super Why or my reblog of the “worst end of school year mom ever” post. I repeat: this is not a joke.
And I can only guess what this post is going to do to all of those search queries. I’m totally gonna corner the market on SEO-optimized blogs for non-internet-savvy porn searchers over here. 🙂
On search algorithms and found poetry
I’m stepping on my own announcement post, I know (BENEVOLENCE ARCHIVES VOLUME ONE AVAILABLE ON AMAZON– TODAY!!! BUT NOT QUITE YET) but I just discovered that this is what you get if you search Amazon for “Benevolence Archives” right now, before the book is actually live:
At least I know the title is unique? 🙂
In which I make a request
Today’s Despair for the Human Race moment of the day: discovering, among my search results, the term “math calculator,” implying that 1) someone found it necessary to append the word “math” to the word “calculator,” as if there were some other kind; and 2) that the person doing the appending was not aware that the device they were using to search for a “math calculator” almost certainly already had a calculator on it somewhere, and 3) that the person’s search skills led to them clicking on a result that led to a blog, meaning that they were probably just clicking on everything.(*)
Sigh.
But anyway: Are you reading this? (Dumb question; of course you are! Everyone reads me, for I am both Influential and Popular!) Do you use Instagram? (Yes, it’s dumb. You should anyway!)
If the answer is “yes” to both questions, you should go find my Instagram account (same username, http://www.infinitefreetime.com if they let you search by URL) and friend me or connect with me or whatever verbiage they want to use over there. If the answer is “no” to either question, you should either figure out how you got here (if “no” was the answer to Question #1) or get yourself a damn Instagram account already (if the answer to #2 was “no”.)
The number of people I’m connected to on Instagram has remained stable but people are posting fewer pictures lately for some reason and I want more stuff to look at. The weird thing about Instagram, at least to me, is that looking at pictures turns out to be fun even if I don’t know who the people are in the pictures or even if the pictures, objectively speaking, aren’t actually very good. It doesn’t seem to matter for some reason. So don’t worry about if your pictures Aren’t Good Enough for public consumption; they can’t be worse than mine. I discovered by accident once that I thought the texture of my jeans looked cool through one of the filters, so one of my pictures is literally a picture of my knee. It’s all good.
So, yeah. Go find me. I need more fun stuff to look at.
(*) INTERESTING ADDITIONAL DETAIL: I got two hits from search engines so far today, and while I do usually see the search terms and I see which search angine led to the pageview, I don’t get them combined– in other words, I see that someone used Bing to get to me and that someone used Google, and I see two search terms, but I don’t see which specific term led to a hit through which specific service.
I got curious, and did a search for “math calculator” in both Bing and Google. Nothing in the first ten pages of search results for either service leads to my blog. This isn’t the first time that has happened, either; I’ve often gotten curious about how high I show up on a search results list when I see that something weird has led to a hit and invariably I discover that the person has waded through at least a dozen pages of search results before clicking on my blog.
People use the Internet very differently from how I do.
Anyway, here’s my knee:
Welcome to infinitefreetime dot com 