If I wasn’t afraid

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A few variations of the hashtag were floating around Twitter this weekend: what would you do if you weren’t afraid?

It’s an interesting question, and it’s been rolling around in my head for a few days, because it’s one of those things that I don’t really think Twitter is well-equipped to discuss.

Here’s what I’ve realized: on the macro level, at least, I’m already doing what I would be doing if I wasn’t afraid.

I’m writing.  Right now being a writer is my job.  We just started filling out financial aid paperwork for next year at Hogwarts, and one of the first things it asks is the father’s occupation.  There’s actually a box to click on to indicate unemployed.  I went back and forth with my wife for a couple of minutes and then typed “Self-Employed (Author)” in the box.

I did not click “Unemployed.”  I want, ultimately, to be a full-time writer.  And right now, that’s what I am.

Here is the punchline, of course: getting what I want is terrifying, and if I was offered a stable full-time job tomorrow I would take it in a second.  Because doing exactly what I would do if I had no fear is not, at the moment, contributing to my family’s well-being at all, unless you count the sizable tax refund we’re getting at least partially because I lost so much money playing at author last year.

So: I’m doing what I would be doing if I wasn’t afraid.  And I am afraid.  And it gets worse every time I do a large-scale job search (several times a week) and it gets worse every time I apply for a job that I’m perfectly capable of doing well and don’t even get an interview.

(Side note: I can understand asking for a college degree in a specific field if the job is for a 22-year-old.  I’m pushing 40.  I hate to break it to y’all but my college degree from eighteen years ago really doesn’t predict much about what I’m good at now.)

But anyway.  What would I do different?

I can only think of a few things, really.  I’d look more closely into advertising.  I haven’t shelled out money for, say, BookBub promotions or Kirkus reviews because I literally cannot afford to guess on these things.  I need to know that I’m going to be making back more than I’m shelling out or I can’t do it.  Because I’ve got a decent financial cushion right now, but I cannot afford to spend any of it frivolously because it has to last until I have more money coming in.  And thus far there has been nothing to give me any encouragement on the job front.

So, yeah: If I wasn’t afraid, I’d put more money into putting my books in front of the faces of other people, and I’d be more willing to experiment if I had a chance to do that.  If I wasn’t afraid, I’d probably have a membership at the Y, since I have time to swim again– and I don’t have, because the $60 a month is not something I want to get tied into right now.

If I wasn’t afraid, from the outside, my life would look exactly the same as it does right now, though.  That’s the kicker.

I just wouldn’t be trying to change it.

On what was not

Well.  That didn’t quite work out like I’d intended.

We were supposed to spend yesterday with family up in Michigan, watching my newest semicousin– my actual cousin’s kid; I get hazy on the correct nouns at that point so they’re all semicousins– be baptized.  The weather report for yesterday indicated rain turning into freezing rain turning into snow turning into hail turning into wolverines, and since we’d planned on a one-day trip there was some worry that driving back in the dark would probably be a bad idea, so we didn’t go.  Everyone already in Michigan was supportive of this decision, so either the weather was shittier up there or they didn’t want us around; who knows.

I woke up this morning to this:

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…so, not so much on Snowpocalypse 2016 yet.  We’re still supposed to get a couple of inches today, and who knows what should happen if a lake-effect band should happen to park itself over the house, but we totally could have made it to the baptism, which is kind of upsetting.

Speaking of things that didn’t happen yesterday: I, like all of you, failed to win the Powerball, meaning that the motherfucker’s gonna be at something like $1.5 billion come the next drawing on Wednesday, when I will buy more tickets and lose again. I’m fully aware of the math; I just don’t care.  Are there people who should never play the lottery?  Absolutely, but I’m not gonna point fingers and I’m not one of them.  Despite my current out-of-work status the $15 it cost to buy a handful of tickets still counts as no money, and the possible exchange for all the money in the universe was still worth it.

It’s fun to think about what one would do with that level of money.  My one resolution whenever I’ve spent time contemplating it is that basically no one I know would have student loans left by the time I was done with them.  A slightly bigger house?  Sure.  The living space in this one is actually fine but I’ve always wanted a good basement and this house doesn’t have that.  My car is old enough to drive, so that would end up getting replaced.  And at that point I’m kind of out of ideas.  If I were to try and upgrade to the Holy Shit Mansion as opposed to “slightly bigger,” I would want an honest-to-goodness library room (bookshelves everywhere, comfy leather furniture, fireplace) and an indoor heated pool that somehow magically required no effort on my part to keep in good working condition.  The healthiest I’ve ever been in my entire life was a period of a couple of years in grad school when I realized I could swim every day if I wanted to.  That hasn’t been the case for years, though– the gyms around here that have pools are insanely expensive, inconveniently far away, and have shit hours, devoting most of their usage time to free swims or classes and not lap swims, so… yeah.

Hell if I know what I’d do with the other 500 million, though.  Buy the zoo, so I could bring the serval home whenever I wanted to.  And then probably go slowly crazy after that.

Well.  I’m going slowly crazy now.  I guess it remains to be seen whether the speed of the ongoing crazy would increase or decrease.

A totally screwed-up thing my brain just did

ugo-hob_288x288So, I’M AWAKE, universe, and yanked out of a sound sleep because I swear the waking parts of my brain just went to war against the non-waking parts of my brain and hit the “abort” key on sleep for the night.

The dream started like this: my wife and I were in Chicago, alone with one of my students, a kid who I won’t detail at all other than to say he’s a pain in the ass and a lot of the time I don’t like him very much.  Actually, I’ll say this, too: I don’t dislike him enough that he’s generally on my mind when I’m outside of work, so it’s deeply weird that he’s showing up in a dream.

Anyway, we were on the train, headed somewhere to have lunch.  I get off the train and I discover that I’ve lost the two of them.   The neighborhood we’re in looks sorta like the nicer/more commercial parts of Milwaukee Avenue, if you’re a Chicagoan and that means anything.  I know where we’re supposed to meet but can’t remember the name of the place.  I look around, getting rather frantic about the whole thing, then call my wife, who is standing in the doorway of the place– it’s across the street from me– waving me over.  It’s called the Indian Tea Room, a fact that I remember instantly as soon as she tells me where she is.   Note that to the best of my knowledge no such place exists in Chicago or anywhere else.

I enter the place to discover that the bottom floor is a long, ridiculously narrow store, and that I’ve lost my wife again.  There is a table of bangles and Indian-style jewelry and good luck charms by the door, card tables full of random junk lining one wall, the sales counter along the other wall, and a high, narrow table covered with comic book short boxes running down the middle of the place.  The aisles are too narrow for me to walk through in a normal fashion; my shoulders are too wide– so I have to turn my body to get through, and push past a couple of people who are shopping.  The comic books are all labeled by title and I’ve not heard of any of them, but I remember feeling weird that none of them were Indian comic books.

The entrance to the restaurant is in the back; it’s on the second floor.  So I have to push past everyone.  I climb up to the second floor and discover it’s a big square room.  Now, the following two things contradict each other, but: dream.  First of all, everything is black and white, and the furniture in the place is like what you might expect from an old music store, except that there’s not anything at all on any of the racks and there are a few beds scattered around.  Also, every single object in the room is prominently labeled.  Like, the racks have a big card on them that says “RACK” and the beds say “BED” and the floor says “FLOOR” every few feet.

This is the contradictory part: I can see all of this, but it’s pitch black in the room.  My wife and my student are sitting on one of the beds.  Note that, again, dream-logic; this was perfectly normal.  When you go to a restaurant what you do is you sit on the bed in the dark until someone brings you food.

Anyway, we sat on the bed for a few minutes until a server came upstairs and flipped the lights on.   She was startled to see us and made some comment about three people sitting on the bed in the dark, at which point it went from being perfectly normal to totally shameful.  My wife and my student were ready to order already, but I didn’t know where the menu was, so I wasn’t ready.  It turns out the menu is on the wall by the stairs, so I go over and look at it.

It’s completely incomprehensible.  I mean, I can tell you thinking about it that most of the stuff on it was typical Indian fare; rice and lamb and various vegetarian dishes and a few other things, but in the dream it was impossible.  Another customer came upstairs with a thick notebook and began carefully explaining to another server what she wanted; it wasn’t on the menu at all but apparently you could just bring your own recipes to this place if you want.

I stared at the menu for maybe twenty minutes of dream-time, getting more and more frustrated with myself for not being able to pick anything, then gave up and went back to my wife.  The bed had transformed into a regular restaurant table with a white tablecloth on it; the only splashes of color in the room were the food.  They’d ordered already, and gotten their food, and there was a big pot of rice and some meatball thingies sizzling in oil.

I got very, very angry.  I remember snatching one of the meatballs out of the pot with my bare hands, wondering for a brief second why I wasn’t burned, and throwing it down on the table, while screaming and cursing about, of all things, the bad service at the restaurant.  At which point the part of my brain that doesn’t like being mad at my wife made me wake up.

I’d say “Fuck this, I’m going back to bed,” but bed is where this happened, so apparently I need to find something to do.