Category: Stories

#WeekendCoffeeShare: How are you? edition

On By Luther M. SilerIn Stories16 Comments

weekend-coffee-share

If we were having coffee… I think maybe today I let you do as much of the talking as I can.  You may have noticed it’s been a little on the stressful side around Casa Siler lately; hell, my friends have noticed– people I don’t typically see in person during a normal week have been contacting me and asking if I’m okay just based on the blog posts from this week.

I dunno.  Probably.  No.  Maybe.  I’ll be fine, let’s stick with that.  I mean, hell, I had a car accident this week, even if it wasn’t a bad one.  I got a right to be hostile.

Hm.  What else is going on?  I’m really excited about The Martian coming out soon.  It was my favorite book of 2014 by a pretty good margin and I’ve really been looking forward to the movie.  I am, as many of you know, a huge astronomy nerd, so anything set on Mars is going to catch my attention anyway, and this is a superb Mars book that I’m hoping is also a superb Mars movie.  Plus I do have a vested interest in people searching Amazon for books about Mars, so, y’know.

I’m also thinking about audiobooks.  Much in the way that I only barely read ebooks but spend a lot of time and energy trying to get people to buy and read mine, I don’t listen to audiobooks at all but am looking into moving into either recording my own books or having someone else do it.  I’m going to do a couple Benevolence Archives stories this weekend as a test and see how it works out.

Not much else… or at least, not much else I want to talk about right now.

Let’s talk about you.

Because my accountant says I have to: It’s #SilerSaturday again, and this week’s free book is The Sanctum of the Sphere.  No risk!  It’s free!  Go forth and download!

#WeekendCoffeeShare: Reasonable Positivity Edition

On By Luther M. SilerIn Stories5 Comments

CL42-OSUAAAEGr5

If we were having coffee, I’d be pretty happy.  I badly want to be having coffee right now, but our coffeepot wants for a vinegaring, and it’s running slllooooowwwwww.  

All in all, it wasn’t a bad week.  The boy made it through a week of school with no poopery issues.  At my school, we had a couple of notable suspensions that kept my afternoon class functional all week, and the first math test of the year went way better than I thought it was going to.  My homeroom girls ate the thing alive, and my afternoon class showed a somewhat unexpected haves-and-have-nots pattern, where the kids either did great or very poorly.  I was expecting the poorly part, mind you, as they don’t pay attention and there’s way too many special ed kids in there to be able to teach them effectively, but the number of them that did really well was really gratifying.  What I didn’t see was kids in the middle.  They either missed one or two or they missed eight.

I would probably point at my wrist at some point and remark about how there wasn’t a brand-new Pebble Time Steel on it, because the post office is screwing with me (if you want to take it personallly) or having some issues with their tracking system if you don’t.  The tracking on the package is simultaneously insisting both that my watch is in California (where it has been since “shipping” on Tuesday) and that it will arrive yesterday.  I’m crossing my fingers that a slew of updates will pop all at once and I’m getting it today.  We’ll see.

I am looking forward to being mugged when some nitwit mistakes my $250 red and gold Pebble for a $17,000 Apple Watch, by the way.

And then I’d point out that it’s #SilerSaturday again, and Skylights is free, and since Skylights is my favorite of my books you really ought to download it and give it a read because it’s great.

How’re you?

#Weekendcoffeeshare: Fear and Self-Loathing edition

On By Luther M. SilerIn Stories20 Comments

coffee2

I’ll be honest: if we were having coffee, the very first thing I’d do is point out that it’s the inaugural #SilerSaturday and hey my book is free at Amazon have you downloaded Benevolence Archives yet you really should no risk it’s freeeeeeee.

After that I would look sheepish and apologize and try not to bring it up again but I’d probably mention it at least once more because the book’s good dammit and if you love me you will download a thing for free.

But anyway.

After that?  Parental and husbandly anxiety, mostly.  My son, who is four, is enrolled at an insanely expensive private school that my wife and I can only barely afford, and that was before I took a twelve thousand dollar pay cut since my last job isn’t my job anymore.  And he got suspended at the end of… well, not last week, the week before that, because he’s still pooping himself, for reasons that I’m not getting into right now (because coffee) but just trust me they make sense.

And my wife has been home with him for the entire time, because I’ve missed too many days of school already, and she’s letting me get away with the sort-of-excuse that it sort-of is.  My kids have a math test this upcoming week and they’ve had a week less instruction than the other fifth-graders because I’ve either been sick or pulled out of my room to do something else so many times already.  The boy is still inexplicably diarrhetic and he’s been back in pull-ups for the last couple of days after months in underwear, and we’re quickly getting to the point where we’re worrying that they’re just going to suggest un-enrolling him and trying again next year.

Now, my kid’s birthday is in August.  He’s the youngest kid in his class.  It would have been entirely reasonable to leave him in day care for another year (where they change diapers) and wait a year to enroll him in school.  Plenty of people have made the decision that they’d rather have their kid be the oldest in his grade instead of the youngest, and some of them will defend it fiercely.  We didn’t make that call, but there is a non-zero chance that we may be about to have it made for us.

And… hell, I’m taking it personally, I’ll be honest.  This is a perfectly normal damn thing and I’m acting like he’s doing something to me, which he’s not, but… dammit.  Insanely expensive private school, did I mention that?  Insanely expensive exclusive private school. Like, I don’t feel like I belong there.  Masters of the Universe type private school.  And there’s a chance that my kid is gonna get kicked out because of poop.

It’s got me twisted.  Really twisted, in a way I don’t like.

Eventually we might get around to the fact that I saw someone from high school this week who I haven’t seen in maybe fifteen years, and that’s still got me weirded out too, which happens every time I see someone from high school.  I’ve not made a secret of the fact that I’m not super happy about living in the same state I grew up in, much less the same town.  The conversation was perfectly happy and innocuous and pleasant, mind you, and even ended refreshingly, without the typical “We should hang out sometime!” lie that frequently accompanies these sorts of things.  But… yeah.  I’ve got a lot of reasons for my head to be muddled right now.  I need to get it cleared out.

Download a free book.  It’ll help.  🙂

#Weekendcoffeeshare: Orange juice edition

On By Luther M. SilerIn Stories7 Comments

coffee2

If we were having coffee, I’d be chasing it with orange juice, and probably not enjoying the combination all that much.  My students went through half a fracking box of tissues in class yesterday, and one girl and one co-worker in particular may as well have had spigots attached to their noses for the majority of the day.  I got home yesterday and could physically feel the sick trying to take root in my body, so I’m ODing on vitamin C and trying to head off my traditional Third Week of School Illness.

Beyond that, I’d probably keep my mouth shut and see if I could get you to do most of the talking.  I would try not to let the conversation turn to things like convention plans for 2016 (man oh man do I have convention plans for 2016, after getting locked out of several opportunities in 2015) because I don’t want to count chickens before they’re hatched.  I’d also be trying to calculate just how much editing I could get done with the rest of my weekend when I wasn’t at work or grading things or trying not to bore my friends.  There’s a good chance of rain at OtherJob tonight, and I’m kinda crossing my fingers for it, because that way I can get some school work done.

I would try and not let the wave of despair that thought creates show on my face.  All in all, despite the whining I’ve been doing, this year is shaping up nicely.  I just need to beat my PM class into shape.

I would probably try and talk you into coming over and playing with the drone with me, because it’s still that much fun.

But yeah.  Mostly alternating genuine listening with glassy-eyed stares, and oh my god so much Vitamin C.

#Weekendcoffeeshare: things are looking up

On By Luther M. SilerIn Stories12 Comments

coffee2

If we were having coffee, you might notice that I was eyeing the cup rather warily.  I haven’t touched coffee in a week (note here that this is not a metaphor, but represents a thing that is actually happening as I’m typing this) and I’m hoping that this cup isn’t going to trigger the shakes and shivers like my last cup did, because if it does the next post really is going to have to be called Weekend Milk Share.

(Drinks 1/3 of cup, initially feels fine)

Anyway, I took my blood pressure last night with my new blood pressure cuff, which is a thing that I have now, and it was firmly in the “prehypertensive” range, which isn’t necessarily good but is hella improved over the holy shit you’re gonna die range of a couple of weeks ago.  I’ve lost nine pounds in August, too.  So… getting better.

Sooner or later we’d get around to talking about school.  The first week went well.  Too 

And then– right there, that exact second, as I’m about to post something positive for once, in a month that has been almost nothing but stress and negativity and bullshit since the second it started, my wife’s elderly cat tumbles off of the arm of the chair we’re both sitting in onto the floor in a massive seizure.

It’s about two and a half hours later.  He’s gone.

Fuck you, August.  Fuck.  You.

#Weekendcoffeeshare: Maybe I won’t die

On By Luther M. SilerIn Stories10 Comments

coffee2So, yeah.  I’m gonna do this for at least a couple of weeks.  It seems fun.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask you to keep an eye on me and make sure I didn’t collapse while we were talking.  I crossed a milestone this week and officially became an old person, because I’m on blood pressure medication now.  I developed bursitis in both knees while tiling the bathroom floor, and went into the doctor’s office on Tuesday to get some meds for that, at which point she discovered that my blood pressure was at “holy shit, you’re gonna have a stroke” levels, and then suddenly no one cared about my stupid knees at all any more.  A couple of blood tests and some BP meds later, it turns out that it looks like I have a sensitivity to ibuprofen, which I need to either avoid completely or use very sparingly for the rest of forever, because if I take too much of it– as I might, if I can’t put any weight on my knees– it fucks up my blood pressure and my liver enzymes something fierce.

(I’m fine.  Follow-up appointment yesterday; BP’s way down, and the liver stuff is expected to return to normal.  Other than my knees, I feel completely healthy.)

But, yeah, back to the coffee: I had a cup yesterday morning and it made me fluttery and dizzy, so I’m drinking this one very slowly and keeping an eye on it.  I made it 38 years before I ever drank coffee at all, so if I need to hold off on it for a while while I get used to the new medication that’s not exactly gonna be a hardship.  But #ifyouwerehavingcoffeeandIwashavinggatoradeandwewerehavingittogether may be a bit too long for a hashtag.

After all that, I might let you talk a little bit before I started griping about school starting, and I’d mention the fact that the doc made the mistake of asking me about job stress yesterday while chatting about my blood pressure, and I said no less than three times during the conversation that I could cut off the rant whenever she got tired of listening to it and she appears to enjoy that sort of thing and so she didn’t.

By then I’d be done with my coffee, and I’d have to go to a library used furniture sale for classroom stuff before a birthday party for a four year old before a shift at my other job before a family thing tomorrow before another day of meetings and working intensively in my classroom before the first four days of school before another Saturday where I have to work at my other job and probably do some grading before that Sunday is my son’s fourth birthday before another week of school before another Saturday work shift and my next day that might be a day off is August goddamn 30th.

And then I’d say “Fuck me dead,” because I seriously hadn’t realized that until telling you about it, and I’d stare glassily off into the middle distance for a while, and at some point I’d go do the next thing I needed to do, possibly paying the bill first.

I hate August.

That time I pissed off a squirrel

On By Luther M. SilerIn Stories8 Comments

Angry-squirrel-1600-1200It was lovely yesterday; last week was basically the first nice week of the year, and it’s projected to be seventy degrees tomorrow.  So we decided to take the boy to the zoo, which was open for all of three hours to people with memberships.

I like our zoo.  It’s nothing enormously special as zoos go, but for a town this size I’d say they do pretty well, and most of the animals were at least out of their enclosures and hanging out where people could look at them.  The emus were booming, too, which is always a neat thing, because I think emus are neat animals and they’re startlingly loud.

But I don’t actually want to talk about any of the regular animals.  We were walking past the anteater (who came outside to piss as we walked past; every time we go to this zoo, we get to see the anteater take a piss) and past the (empty) macaw enclosure when I heard a weird noise from overhead.   I thought at first it was the macaw, but after looking around a bit more we realized it was a squirrel.

A squirrel, in a tree, busily eating a Styrofoam cup.  The odd sound of squirrel teeth on Styrofoam was what I’d heard.

Um.

“You’re not supposed to be eating those,” I called out to the squirrel.  He dropped the cup.

Feeling proud of myself– I had communicated with a squirrel!– I went to pick the cup up. And the squirrel barreled down the tree, chattering at me angrily, and causing me, for the first time in my life, to consider how interested I was in starting shit with an overgrown rat.

My son, of course, was nearby, and terribly interested in the squirrel.  The squirrel was screeching at me for getting too close to his coffee cup, and bystanders were starting to take an interest in the whole thing.  I mean, this cup is gonna kill him if he swallows too much of it.  I’m a person, squirrel!  I’m smarter than you!  You don’t want to eat this thing!

Holy crap, can squirrels do effective death glares.

Anyway, eventually, once the I’m-not-joking standoff ended, with the squirrel deciding there were too many people around and retreating a few feet back up the tree, I kicked the half-eaten cup (which appeared to have contained hot chocolate, which explained why he was eating it) away from him and picked it up.

Holy hell was that the wrong thing to do.

About thirty feet away from the squirrel’s tree is a life-size statue of a Galapagos tortoise that little kids are encouraged to climb on.  My son, being three, wanted to climb on the tortoise, and my wife wanted to take his picture.  I couldn’t find a trashcan nearby, so I just sort of stood near them, holding the cup.

The squirrel came down the tree, stood about twenty feet away from us, and just glared.  The whole time. Seriously.  He’d have killed me if he could.

I’m pretty sure I’ve never made a nonhuman animal that mad at me before.

In which I go eat lunch

On By Luther M. SilerIn Stories6 Comments

burger-665x385I happened to walk past my boss yesterday while she was scarfing her lunch and realized I coveted her cheeseburger.  (Pictured: not her cheeseburger.)  I also realized that I didn’t immediately recognize where her cheeseburger had come from, which was odd, because I thought I had tapped out all of the available places to buy food around my place of business.  Anyway, long story short, she told me what the place was called and how to get there and I bounced off to go acquire me a tasty burger.  The place is a diner, and I got a seat at the bar, explaining that I just wanted my food to go, and was able to order almost immediately.

An old man comes and sits down right next to me.  This is a trifle odd, since there are seven or eight barstools at the bar, and none of the rest of them are occupied, but whatever; maybe it was his barstool, I dunno.  He had one of those faces; dude could have been 65 and he could have been 103.

He begins talking to me immediately, no preamble.  I suspect he’d been carrying on a running conversation with people sitting next to him on those stools for years.  His family is in Mississippi, you see, a bit southwest of Biloxi, and it’s actually snowing in Mississippi right now, and they have no idea what to do about it, and we spent four or five minutes alternately kvetching about the current weather and laughing at how Southerners have no idea what to do with cold or ice.

(I note, looking at a map, that there is very little of Mississippi that could legitimately be described as “southwest of Biloxi,” which is interesting, because that’s definitely what he said.)

Anyway, this goes on for a few minutes, and it’s relatively pleasant and inoffensive, and then he gets real quiet and points his finger at me and thinks for a second.

See, first the Americans and the Russians started putting satellites in space.  Then, a year later, they started putting missiles in space.  And that’s when things started getting really bad, and that’s why it’s cold all the time now.

I go from participating in the conversation, if not enthusiastically at least not begrudgingly, to nodding and smiling and occasionally staring daggers at the waitress if you have killed the cow the burger is done that’s good enough bring it to me now dammit now while she walks by, no doubt laughing on the inside because I’m sure this crazy old fucker corners people with his insane conspiracy theories all the time and I am just his most recent victim.

Then he points at me again, and goes quiet again, and I listen intently, because this was where the first part of the conversation went off the rails, and if it’s gonna happen again I need to be ready.

“The scientists ain’t gonna tell you none of this, y’see,” he says.

“No, sir,” I reply.  “They certainly will not.”

And the waitress cracks up.

And she gets me my burger.

And I go back to work.

It was a tasty burger, by the way.