I need someone to help me understand how the hell I know about Groundhog Day, and no, the answer isn’t the movie, because that came out when I was 17 and, trust me, everybody knew what Groundhog Day was before the movie came out. It is absolutely unreal to me that this weird little holiday, which by rights ought to be confined to one or two tiny ethnic conclaves in no more than one or two states, is practically a national holiday. It makes no goddamn sense, and what’s weirder is that I live in America, a country where “racism” is the answer to any question starting with the word “why” 90% of the time, and I can’t figure out any way how racism might contribute to me knowing about the day that the terrified river rat lets everyone know what the weather is going to be.

I mean, have you heard of Casimir Pulaski day? The weirdest unexpected day off of my life was due to Casimir Pulaski day. Have you heard of Dyngus Day? Having heard of it for the first time just now, are you at all surprised that Polish people are involved? People talking about Groundhog Day and taking it seriously should be viewed with only slightly less frightened condescension than snake handling, and once the phrase Gobbler’s Knob enters the conversation … Christ.

Anyway, every single other thing I might choose to talk about today is horrible, so I’m leaving you with that.