Sure, Why Not: A pointless and uninformed ranking of people who might possibly run for President in 2020

My wife and I called it yesterday when she changed her Twitter handle to remove a reference to Massachusetts: Elizabeth Warren is, if not Officially Running for President, at least forming an exploratory committee for same, which … is pretty much the same damn thing, really. And it turns out that apparently Julián Castro has formed one too, which I didn’t know about.

Now, to be clear, I will literally vote for something scraped off my shoe if it gets the Democratic nomination for President in 2020. Hell, I’ll vote for Bernie Sanders if he gets the nomination, although I might prefer the shoe-scrapings. There’s no particular reason to take this list terribly seriously, other than that I’m sitting in my office waiting for a plumber to show up on New Year’s Eve because every pipe in my Goddamned house decided to overflow at once this morning and I am the only one in the house and bored. Everyone else fled the sewage in the tub for some reason.

That said:

I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT YOU BUT RIGHT NOW I’M IN IF YOU RUN BUT I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO BECOME LESS EXCITED IF NECESSARY:

  • Kamala Harris
  • Cory Booker

I KNOW EVEN LESS ABOUT YOU THAN CATEGORY #1 SO LET’S SAY PROVISIONAL SUPPORT FOR NOW, PENDING FURTHER INFORMATION, AND I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO BECOME MUCH MORE EXCITED:

  • Julián Castro
  • Sherrod Brown
  • Amy Klobuchar
  • Kirsten Gillibrand

I THINK YOU’RE COOL BUT MAYBE WAIT FOR 2028:

  • Beto O’Rourke
  • Andrew Gillum
  • Stacey Abrams
  • Pete Buttigieg

YOU ARE OVER 60 AND/OR A WHITE DUDE AND I WOULD PREFER TO VOTE FOR SOMEONE YOUNGER AND/OR LESS WHITE DUDEY BUT OTHERWISE SURE:

  • Joe Biden
  • Elizabeth Warren

WE DID THIS ALREADY; NO, THANK YOU:

  • John Kerry

OH FUCKING HELL NO/ I HAVE ALREADY DECIDED I DON’T LIKE YOU:

  • Michael Avenatti
  • Michael Bloomberg
  • Bernie Sanders

IF THERE’S ANY FUCKING SANITY LEFT IN THE WORLD, THE ACTUAL NEXT DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WILL BE:

  • Nancy Pelosi

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