Two quick true stories

kids-are-creepy-7.jpgIt is Saturday night and I am at OtherJob.  A mother and her young daughter– six, perhaps seven years old– come up to the counter.  The little girl is carrying a toy stuffed dog.  (Given where this story is going, it is probably important that the word “toy” be in there.)

She shows me the dog in that proud way little kids do, a thing I’ve seen my son do with strangers a million times, and tells me his name is Happy.  I make entertained grown up noises at her and pivot toward Mom to explain how our price structure works.

She keeps talking.  She shows me a hole in Happy’s side.

“This is where I cut him with a scissor,” she says.

“Um.  Okay,” I respond.

She shows me where his back leg is nearly cut off.

“And this is where I cut him with a knife!” she says.  She’s super excited about cutting Happy with scissors and knives.

My eyebrows raise a bit, and I look at Mom, not saying anything.

Mom is mortified, and says “She didn’t cut him with anything.”  Sure, Mom, okay.

And then the little girl starts chanting at us.

A scissor and a knife!
A scissor and a knife!
A scissor and a knife!
A scissor and a knife!

Never seen a parent complete a transaction that quickly before.


There is an old vanity cabinet in the room of our house that we haven’t settled on a name for yet.  The den, maybe?  The family room, as opposed to the living room?  The playroom? Who the hell knows, but it’s in there, and the top of the thing has sort of become a messy catchall for artwork stuff of the boy’s that we don’t really know what to do with.  The dog’s food and water bowls are right next to this vanity.

Several weeks ago, a little candle holder thing he made at school for Halloween got knocked over, and the little LED candle that was in there fell out and landed on the floor in between the dog’s bowl and the vanity.  That little electronic candle has annoyed me every time I have seen it for weeks, and it took me until today to bend my lazy ass over and pick the goddamn thing up to put it back in the jar and back on the vanity.

I don’t tell you this for any particular reason other than maybe it’ll make you feel better about whatever stupid shit you’re avoiding doing right now.

4 thoughts on “Two quick true stories

  1. our ability to steadfastly ignore a simple task while simultaneously becoming ever more pissed off by the fact that everyone else is also refusing to do it is goddamned epic. shit REALLY gets real (no pun necessarily intended…) when that task is bringing a new package of toilet paper into the bathroom.

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  2. also i’m just refusing to address the first story, because that mother is going to go to bed one night after refusing to take little precious psychobloomers out for ice cream or something, and never wake up again… and YOU didn’t do anything to save her. #killitwithfire

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