A brief note to drivers

If y’all don’t mind, I’d like this to become my most famous post ever. I want this getting 10,000 views a day for the rest of my life. I want it shared in drivers’ ed classes. Hell, I want it to be the only topic of entire days of drivers’ ed classes.

If you stop, unpredictably, in order to allow someone to pull from a side road or exit from a business and turn left in front of you, ESPECIALLY if you are already in the left lane of traffic when you do this, you should lose your license. On the spot. It should self-destruct inside your goddamn wallet and burn a painful hole in your ass. And once you have lost your license and bandaged your burnt ass, whoever is behind you and managed to avoid rear-ending your ignorant self should get to choose one of your body parts (possibly the other unburnt half of your ass) to cut off and wear around as a hat.  

The protection of the law should no longer apply to you if you make a decision like this.

Fucking stop it.

In conclusion, I hate you and hope you die. Which, given how you drive, will probably happen sooner rather than later.

The end.

New rule

If the thought “I’ve been sweaty all day, I should take a shower before bed” occurs to me, I MUST take a shower.  Because there is no universe where the 15 minutes of not sleeping is WORSE than being sweaty and gross all night and consequently getting no damn sleep at all.

Guess what I’m about to do.

NEW RULE!

middle-finger-poster-flag-6185-pRegardless of everything I said about my new job in the post immediately below this one, henceforth no one anywhere is allowed to say the word “delivery” to me EVER AGAIN.

Signed,

This Isn’t Fucking Amazon

New rule!

UnknownWhen it is 9:30 at night, and the most exciting things you’ve done all day are 1) fixing your UNBELIEVABLY GODDAMN LOUD garage door opener by the simple fix of spray some lubricant on it, you idiot, god, did you WANT the motor to burn out, what took so long? and 2) getting really mad at your PS3 and seriously considering a 2,000 word profane rant on the failings of the online store of a video game system that is literally already obsolete, and you’re sitting in front of your computer trying to come up with one, just one entertaining anecdote to end the day with, and those two things are the best you can do?

You go to bed and read, and then you fall asleep.  Even if it’s 9:30 on a Saturday.  Because you are a grown-ass man, and no one can tell a grown-ass man to stay up later than he wants to.

Except his wife.

Who is already in bed.

Like I said: new rule.