I want this perfectly clear

I have stolen the following four images from a comment on io9 (I’d link to it directly if I could figure out how) and reproduced them in the same order as the original commenter:

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I just… God, book by its cover and all that, and hopefully this kid’s charismatic as hell on screen, but holy god am I bored already.  The casting call may as well have just said “dude.”

I mean…

TORONTO, ON - SEPTEMBER 09:  Actor Tom Holland arrives at the "The Impossible" Premiere at the 2012 Toronto International Film Festival at the Princess of Wales Theatre on September 9, 2012 in Toronto, Canada.  (Photo by George Pimentel/Getty Images) tumblr_inline_napl7fCOE01s7e3fs

Tell me you don’t see it.

(Okay.  I’m done being awful and judgmental for the night.  I promise.  I’ll be nice to a stranger tomorrow to make up for it.)

Casting call!

So I’ve been thinking about superhero movies lately.  This isn’t surprising; if I’m being honest I spend roughly 20% of my waking hours thinking about superhero movies, so… yeah.

For some reason, though, for the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking a lot about casting.  And I’ve got this big list sitting next to me of actors that I think should be immediately cast in particular roles.  Some of them are super obvious and some are not.  One or two have actually already been cast, but I’m including them anyway because perfect.  Some of them are never going to happen because they’ve already been cast in other superhero movies– some of them even in the same franchise.  I don’t care.  Feel free to include others in the comments if you like.

These are in no particular order.  Wait, no.  I’ll start with villains since I don’t have as many of those.  Also, I take no responsibility for formatting here.  It’s gonna be a mess.  I apologize.

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Laurence Fishburne as Lex Luthor.  This one is the least likely to happen because the dummies already cast him as Perry White.  Laurence Fishburne should obviously have been Lex Luthor.  Come on, guys.


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Tommy Lister as the Juggernaut.  They cast Vinnie Jones as him in whichever X-Men film he was in; I think Lister is both bigger and scarier.

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Rosario Dawson as Harley Quinn.  Harley hasn’t been on the live-action big screen yet to the best of my knowledge despite being essential to every animated Batman and also a mainstay on the cosplay scene.  Rosario would be perfect.

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Ken Watanabe as Doctor Strange.  think Doctor Strange has already been cast, although I don’t know for sure and don’t feel like Googling it.  Whoever they chose, it’s wrong.  Should be Watanabe.

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Jason Momoa as Aquaman.  This one has supposedly actually already happened.  I’m including it anyway because it’s fuckin’ perfect.  Speaking of Batman v. Superman, or whatever it’s called…

 

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Idris Elba as Batman.  Because fuck a Batfleck.  Yes, I know he’s in the Thor movies.  Chris Evans was the Human Torch and Captain America.  We’ll be okay.

(Actually, Ben Affleck wasn’t that bad an idea.)

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Gina Torres as Wonder Woman.  Because she is already an Amazon goddess. They gotta fix the costume, though.

(Fair question: Why am I not casting Superman?  Because it is essential to me that any actor playing Superman be someone I have never heard of in order for me to take him seriously.  Superman must be an unknown; ergo, I can’t play this game with him.  Plus, I really really want an Icon movie.  Hmm.  Chiwetel Ejiofor would make a great Icon.)

More?  ‘Kay:

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Naya Rivera as Zatanna.  Yes, from Glee.  Zatanna’s got a stage background; somebody who can sing and dance would work well, depending on how they wrote the movie.  Again with the costume, though.

I’m only partially convinced about this one, but I’m going to go with it anyway:

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Will Smith, preferably in bulked-up Muhammad Ali mode, as Captain Marvel.  Yeah, okay, this one’s a little odd.  Why do I like it so much?  Because then we also get…

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Jaden Smith as Billy Batson.  Which, c’mon, having a father-son team play Billy Batson and Captain Marvel in the same movie would be kind of awesome.  Even if I do kinda think Jaden Smith sorta sucks a little bit.

Okay, yeah, still potentially a little weak.  I will fight you if you don’t like this one:

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Donald Glover as Spider-Man.  A choice so obvious that the actor himself has campaigned for it and if you type his name into Google “Donald Glover Spider-Man” comes up on its own.  Yes, I know about Miles Morales.  I love Miles Morales.  More than Peter Parker, actually.  But I still want Glover as Parker.

Speaking of people named “Captain Marvel”…

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Aisha Tyler as Captain Marvel.  The awesome one.  Come on, she’s perfect.  PERFECT, I tell you!

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Orlando Jones as Reed Richards.  I feel like at some point I didn’t like Orlando Jones; I don’t remember why and now think I was crazy.  He doesn’t immediately scan as somebody who should play a superhero… but neither does Mr. Fantastic, really, and he’d be great as a super scientist.  Do this, Marvel.

Speaking of actors from Sleepy Hollow…

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John Cho as Hank Pym, preferably in his white-trench-coat, gadget-growing incarnation from The West Coast Avengers.  Hilariously, getting Cho cast as Pym is actually far more likely than the Pym from the Whackos ever getting acknowledged on-screen.

Speaking of Hank Pym…

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Dascha Polanco as The Wasp.  Mostly because I want to see Dascha Polanco everywhere I look for the rest of my life, as she’s adorable.  Also considered, because hilarious:  Dazzler.

Two more.  This one may be slightly controversial.  And, speaking of actresses from Orange is the New Black:

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Laverne Cox as She-Hulk.  At first I was a little nervous at the idea of casting a transgender woman as She-Hulk, because it feels just a teeny bit wrong.  Then I came to my senses because Laverne Cox is God damned awesome and she gets to play She-Hulk if she bloody well wants to.

And, finally…

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Lupita Nyong’o as Storm.  Which, okay, you may have noticed I sort of have a theme going here, and this casting sorta breaks it. But still.  No one alive gets to play Storm on-screen again until actual literal African goddess Lupita Nyong’o does.  And I know I used that phrasing once already, and I don’t care, shut up.

More suggestions in comments!

How to be an idiot on the internet

hC74A8988In convenient, step-by-step form.

  1. Read an article on the Internet about something that you don’t care about.  Like, for example, the fact that Lifetime has cast someone to play Aaliyah in their upcoming biopic about Aaliyah, and that that choice is controversial because the actress in question isn’t “black enough” or something like that.  Note that it is critical that you don’t care enough about Aaliyah to know what she looks like.
  2. Look at the picture of the actress they chose at the top of the page and determine that she manages to look like a black woman as far as you can tell.
  3. Google “Aaliyah,” because you don’t know what Aaliyah looks like.  Blink a couple of times at sheer disbelief at the nonsense people can get mad about.  Spend several minutes comparing pictures and thinking Jesus, this chick looks just like Aaliyah, what the hell are these people complaining about?  
  4. After several– several— minutes, decide that maybe the picture of the actress is just the most Aaliyah-ish picture of her they found– maybe already in hair and makeup for the movie?– and Google the actress’ actual name, Zendaya Coleman.
  5. Oooooohhhhhhhh.

Sooner or later, I need to stop procrastinating and actually do some goddamn work.