On holding back

wicther_3_oh_my_glob.jpgIf you’ve been paying attention to my posts lately, or to my Twitter feed, you can probably guess why I didn’t post yesterday, and I suspect you’d be right.  I’ve been trying to write about it and I’m not quite there yet, for a variety of reasons.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please forgive the vaguebooking; all will be made clear soon enough.

Instead, let’s talk about something how I’m either too old, too liberal, or both to play video games any more. Despite shit-talking it when it came outThe Witcher 3 went on a steep-ass discount a few weeks ago– I got the game and both expansion packs for $20, if I remember right– and I was in a period of mourning the lack of video games in my life at the time and so I went ahead and picked it up.  I mean, fuck it, right?  This thing got Game of the Year awards from basically everybody, and I’ve been wrong before, right?

Nah.

The Witcher 3 is exactly the game I thought it was before picking it up; it is not only bad in all the ways I thought it would be bad, it manages to be worse than I thought it was going to be in several critical areas.  I have been gaming for a very long time, so it is likely that I have played a more misogynistic game than this one at some point or another, but I can’t recall what that game might have been.  This is a game that very, very badly wants to be taken seriously, but the overgrown adolescents who coded it think that “serious” means that you get called a cunt everywhere you go, and mistake adult content— there are lots of tits, oh so many tits, and oh so many whores, and so many of the swear words– for adult complexity.

I would probably have really loved this when I was sixteen.  That’s who it’s aimed at, and regardless of the actual chronological ages of the designers, it’s who it was made by.  There are bits of the gameplay I do enjoy, but I commented to my wife this morning that the game’s greatest feat is managing to remain perfectly balanced on the razor’s edge where I’m enjoying it just enough that I’m still playing, but it’s not actually good enough to make me forget the parts that make me want to quit– so I’m still playing, but I hate the game for maybe half the time I’m playing it.

I don’t mind the stabbing.  I don’t even mind the crafting and alchemy, which is normally a part I do my best to ignore in most games.  It’s whenever I’m not in control of the character– ie, cutscenes– that I want to throw my PS4 out the window and cultivate a new hobby.

Blech.

“Warrior Jayashree and the Gallows Pole”

     A devilishly persistent beam of sunlight dragged the warrior Jayashree into unwilling consciousness.  She tried to cover her eyes, to snatch a paltry few moments more sleep away from the accursed daytime, only to realize she couldn’t move her arm.

Either of her arms.

It occurred to her that the bed she was lying in was exceedingly uncomfortable, and that her head did not appear to rest on a pillow.

I’m in gaol again, aren’t I?

She forced an eye open.  She winced painfully, as the action allowed a bit more of the demon sunrise into her skull.

I’m probably in gaol, and I may also still be a bit drunk.

     Drunk was good.  It meant she had probably at least earned the imprisonment somehow.  Hopefully whatever had gotten her arrested had been fun.

She gathered the dregs of her strength and wrenched her other eye open, trying to look around her cell—for that was certainly what it was—while moving her eyes and her head as little as possible.  She was dressed in a light, coarse shift that she was certain didn’t belong to her.  She was laying on a stone bench set into a wall, and her arms were secured by bamboo rope tied to a metal ring.  The window the offending sunbeam was pestering her through was barred.

GaolDefinitely gaol.

She tested the ropes.  They would break, if she really needed them to, although she might have to accept spraining a wrist along the way.  Her legs were unbound.  She had enough slack to sit up, so she did.  Started to, at least, until a thousand tiny homunculi wielding icepicks declared war upon on her temples and she sank back against the bench again.

Perhaps a few minutes more, before I try again.

She heard motion behind her, and the closing of a heavy door.

“So.  What did I do?” she asked.  Her voice sounded much more like a croak than she was used to.

“You don’t remember?”  The voice was familiar.  And quite irritated.  It sounded like—

Oh, no.

Ignoring her body’s protests, she rolled off the bench and into the closest approximation her muscles and bound wrists would allow of a genuflect.  It hurt more than she expected.  And in more places.

This isn’t just a hangover.  Oh, it was certainly a hangover, and probably one caused by grape sura.  Grape sura always hurt the worst the next day.  But there was something else wrong.  She’d been in a fight.

“Who did I kill?”

“Stand up,” the voice answered, and the ropes slithered away from her wrists like snakes.  She turned toward the voice and dropped closer to the ground.

“Mother of Magic.  My deepest apologies for whatever has—”

“Stand.  UP.”

     She leapt to her feet, the voice compelling her, her limbs and torso screaming in protest.

The Mother of Magic stood before her, practically glowing in head-to-toe white raiment.

White.  White was the color of mourning.  The Mother of Magic generally wore ruby-red.

Oh, this is bad. 

     “Look out the window.”  This statement did not carry the compulsion along with it, but Jayashree did not hesitate.

Her cell overlooked a central courtyard, which was not unexpected.  The gallows pole standing in the center of the courtyard was, though.

Jayashree cleared her throat, concentrating intensely on willing her hangover away.

“Is … is that for me?”

“At the moment?  Yes.  And I am not sure I should do anything to help you change that, either.”  Jayashree turned, daring to look the Mother of Magic in the eyes.  Her pupils were gone, her eyes a shining white void against ebony skin.

This was generally not a good sign.

“May I ask what happened?”

“Do you recall being propositioned last night?”

“I am propositioned every night,” Jayashree said.  “I don’t … wait…”

She recalled a particular man, not unlovely to look at, but with food in his beard and the stink of fish on his breath.  A man who had loomed over her, trying to intimidate her with his size.  She had … what had she done?  She genuinely didn’t remember.

“Possibly one.  Large.  Unkempt.”

“You have bedded the unkempt before, Jayashree.  More than once, I believe.”

“I didn’t want to bed this one,” she said, shrugging.  “He felt differently.  I take it I overreacted?”

“Somewhat.  He went through a table on the way to the floor.  A piece of the table lodged itself behind his ear.  I suspect you did not intend to kill him.”

Jayashree thought about this.  It sounded familiar.

“And then … and then, he had a lot of friends, for some reason…” Yes, there had definitely been a fight.  She’d clearly held her own; nothing was broken.  She tested her teeth with her tongue.  Some missing, but none newly so.

“The nephew of the Rajh.”

Ah.

     “That’s bad.”

“It is.  The Rajh is rather put out about it.”

I can imagine.  “And you?”

The Mother of Magic shrugged, her first human gesture since entering the room.  “I have met the nephew.  He was a boor.  I can see why you rejected his advances.”

She forced more of the alcohol’s aftereffects out of her brain.  “Is there to be a trial?  Or are we discussing escape and not defense?”

“The Rajh has a proposition for you,” the Mother of Magic said.  “I suspect he believes it to be a death sentence of a sort.  But he has a proposition.”

“I accept,” Jayashree said.

“Yes, you do,” the Mother of Magic said.  “And then, when you are released, I will kill you.  This has been a most inconvenient morning, Jayashree.”

Jayashree bowed her head.

“Mistress,” she said.

#

     “Were this not your creature, Mother Manisha, I would have dealt with her already,” the Rajh said.  “You should keep better track of your guards.  Her survival is due solely to my high opinion of you.”  He fingered his seal of office, which dangled heavily around his neck.

“Your high opinion of my office, at least,” the Mother of Magic replied calmly.  There was no love lost between her and the Rajh.  They were both fully aware of this fact but of the two he was more likely to pretend to conceal it.  “The Potentate will frown upon open warfare between his Rajh and his goddess’ Mother of Magic.”

Jayashree knelt facedown, in a warrior’s tunic and loose pantaloons, trying to stay as close to the ground as possible.  The Mother of Magic had released her from her cell and given her less than an hour to make herself dressed and presentable.  She had forced herself to have some greasy food and cold coffee to wash away the last dregs of the hangover, and now her stomach complained.  Not so loudly, she hoped, that the other two could hear it.  Her arms and armor had not been restored to her yet, but if the Rajh genuinely expected a task from her she would surely get them back soon.

“You suggested you had a task for my creature to perform,” the Mother reminded the Rajh.  “One that might, somehow, soothe the pain of the loss of your nephew, which you surely feel so keenly.”
“I am shattered,” the Rajh said, and Jayashree realized with a jolt that this had nothing to do with her or even with his nephew.  The Rajh was simply looking for someone expendable and she had obligingly provided herself for him.  Her loss being an inconvenience to the Mother would simply be a bonus in the man’s eyes.

The Mother did not rise to the bait.  “The task, then?”

“Rise, warrior,” he said, and Jayashree climbed to her feet, trying to keep from groaning or wincing too obviously.  There were scrapes and bruises mottling the red-wheat color of her skin on her face and arms.  She would not let him think they mattered.

“Are you familiar with the pishacha?” he asked.

Jayashree barely suppressed a sideways glance at the Mother.  The question was unexpected.  “Demon spirits,” she said.  “They haunt graves and cremation grounds.  They … I do not recall, Rajh, whether they are the type to possess the living, or merely to consume them.  I am sorry.”  She bowed her head.

“Both,” the Rajh said.  “There is a cremation ground not far outside the walls.  It has of late become infested with them.  They are beginning to spill outside the grounds and bother travelers and others.  People are beginning to talk.  You are to rid me of these … upsetting presences.  Do this task, I care not how, and I will forget your offense upon my family.”

“Upon one of the lesser branches, to be sure,” the Mother of Magic added.  Rather unhelpfully, Jayashree felt.

The Rajh ignored the jab.

“How does one defeat a pishacha?” Jayashree asked.  “I have never encountered such a thing.”

“Cold iron will do, I am told,” the Rajh answered.  “But silver would be better.  A pity, then, that I have no silvered weapons to spare to you.”

“The Mother will provide,” the Mother of Magic said.  “We will outfit Jayashree properly ourselves, and send a contingent of warriors today.”

“She is to perform the task alone,” the Rajh said placidly.

“And why?” the Mother challenged.  “It seems that your problem would be solved more easily were we to send more than a single greenwood warrior.”

“The pishacha are shy,” the Rajh said.  “They have not appeared to groups, only to individual travelers.  A larger group would likely go unbothered.”

“Then someone more seasoned,” the Mother protested.  “A more experienced warrior.  One who could, again, solve your problem.”

“The pishacha or the gallows pole,” the Rajh countered.  “Those are your choices.  Those, and no others.”

Jayashree bowed her head, and made her choice.

#

     “The blade is silvered,” the Mother said, “and the dagger cold iron.  You will not need your bow.  You will be too close to them to use it, when they finally reveal themselves.”

“Any suggestions on tactics?” Jayashree asked.  She tightened the straps on her armor, not sure if she was wasting her time or not.  She had been in fights, even a few battles, but none against the undead.   

The Mother murmured a few words, pressing a thumb into Jayashree’s forehead.  Jayashree closed her eyes as the world opened to her for a moment, then snapped closed again.  “The pishacha have their own language,” she said.  “And you will feel them talking before you hear it. The word pishacha is an old one; it means chatterers.  The spell will help you understand their words, if they wish to be understood at all.  Listening to them may save you from battle.  If it comes to iron and silver, be merciless.  Every blow must be a killing one.  Aim for the neck.  They are not human, but they will die like humans if they must.  And trust all of your senses.  If you feel one nearby, swing, whether you see it or not.”

“It sounds like you are telling me not to trust my eyes,” Jayashree said.

The Mother considered.  “Not quite.  They can make themselves invisible to your eyes.  They cannot create illusions of themselves.  If you see one, it is there.  If you do not see one, it may still be there.”

“I am not ready,” Jayashree admitted.

“None of us ever are,” the Mother replied.  “But I have faith in you, daughter.  We will meet again, I promise you.”

Jayashree nodded, and strapped the silvered khanda to her hip.

#

     The old cremation grounds were a few miles outside of town, at a sharp bend in the river.  For generations, bodies had been ritually burnt on the muddy spit of land the river encircled, and any cremains not borne away by the wind were commended to the water a few days later.  The Grove of the Children was across the river; the bodies of the young were buried, not burned.  Jayashree found herself hoping the pishacha were on the cremation side, as killing the reanimated spirits of children felt like a task heavy enough to break her.

She considered riding and decided to walk.  She suspected the pishacha would not emerge until nighttime, which meant she had several hours.  The day had grown hot but dreary, a thick layer of clouds rolling in over the bright sun that had awakened her in the morning.  It would rain soon enough.  I may as well die in the rain, Jayashree thought, and considered simply continuing past the cremation grounds and never returning.  The Rajh would likely assume she had died.  The Mother of Magic would know, of course.  The Mother of Magic had a way of always eventually knowing everything.  Jayashree was not sure she would go to the trouble to track her down again.

No.  She had killed before, but always intentionally.  The Rajh’s nephew was the first whose death she had caused by accident.  She felt shame as she realized she had not bothered to find out the man’s name.  He had likely introduced himself, but the drink had erased the memory.  The Rajh had not bothered to use his name, either.  If this was the task she must perform to atone for the death she had caused, she would try her best to do it, even if it felt a bit unreasonable.

She ate a light meal a few hundred yards from the cremation grounds, enough to keep her strength until well after dark.  She had seen no one since leaving the city, and it looked as if no one had passed by here in some time.  The path was overgrown, no tracks of horse or man or cart beating down the underbrush.

Odd.  The Rajh had said the spirits were bothering passersby.  There was no sign there had been any for weeks, at least.  Not for the first time, Jayashree wished she had spent more of her time learning woodcraft.

She looked up at the sky.  The rain would come soon, before nightfall.

I will not die today, she thought.  That day would come eventually, but she would not die wet and cold.  At least being at the cremation grounds meant there was plenty of wood available to build a fire.  She set out to prepare for her vigil.  The fire would have to be large, to keep the rain from extinguishing it.

#

     She felt a cold touch, a brush across the back of her neck.  She had been meditating by the fire for hours, cross-legged, the expected rain never growing stronger than an annoying sprinkle.  She opened her eyes and rose to her feet in one motion, one hand on her khanda.

She saw nothing, but she heard whispers all around her.  They were almost understandable, as if the pishacha were deliberately concealing their words from her.

“Show yourselves,” she said.  Her words vanished into the silence, as the spirits around her stopped speaking.

Then they started again, and this time she could understand them.

     you

     what what are you

     what is this

     it has a sword it has a sword a weapon a weapon to kill

     kill it bring it down into the ground

     it hears us

     do you do you hear us do you hear our words

     we must kill it

     no not yet

     no

     soon

     do you hear us

“I hear you, honored spirits,” Jayashree said, cold fear working its way up her spine.

you were sent to kill

     no not to kill

     to kill

     to listen

     it fears

     it was sent to listen it hears and understands

     it was sent to kill it carries a sword the sword bites and shines and bites and shines and bites and shines and bites            

     to kill to kill to kill

     fear

     fear

     it fears

     Jayashree unsheathed her sword, plunging it into the embers of her fire.  There was a sudden storm of noise around her, then a withdrawal.  She waited, making no further movements, and felt the spirits growing closer to her again.

“I was sent to kill,” she said.  “But I have free will.  I will listen if you will speak.  I was told you had become a danger to the living.  That you should be removed from this place.  That you have killed travelers, and menaced the living.”

She felt more cold touches, but nothing caused her to reach for the sword again.  A shape coalesced in front of her, a swirl of smoke slowly forming into a familiar shape.  The babble of voices began again.

lies

     your words are lies

     it will kill us take it take it now

     it will not

     it speaks lies

     but it wishes for truth

     kill it kill it kill it kill it

     no

     not yet

     Jayashree felt a pressure at the back of her neck, a beckoning, an invitation.  Trust all of your senses, the Mother of Magic had told her.

“Tell me what you want,” she said.

quiet

     silence

     we wish quiet quiet the grave the silence the sound of peace

     but not by the sword no not the sword not hurting not biting not silver

     can you bring us this

     can you can you can you

     will you

     kill it kill it kill it kill it kill it now

     will you bring us

     the quiet

     “Tell me how,” she said, and felt the pressure at the back of her neck again.

She had asked the Rajh if the pishacha were creatures who possessed or merely killed.  Both, he had answered.  The shape formed in the smoke again, and the rain fell harder.

This is not the day I die, she thought to herself again, and let the pishacha have her.

#

     The visions came upon her all at once in a wave.  She panicked and tried to push them away, and they abated for just a moment.  The pishacha appeared to understand that she could not cope with them all at once.  But then the memories began to arrive one at a time, no pauses in between, and every memory ending in death and blood, and that was almost worse, for when those who had become the pishacha died, Jayashree died with them.  If she had caused one death by accident, she had atoned for it fully within minutes, as she died over and over again in their visions.

And each time, the same face.  Sometimes wielding a dagger, or a spear, or a garrote.  Sometimes standing nearby and smiling as an innocent swung from a rope.  Sometimes giving orders that, followed obediently, led to painful death at the talons of his other victims.  The same face.  The same hands, bloody from murder upon murder.  The same result, as the spirits of the unjust dead rose again, waiting for the one who could understand them, the one who could end their pain, who could avenge them.

him

     always him

     he was the one

     all of us hurt

     all blood

     all murder all blood all death

     trapped here in the cold and the wet and the cold and the wet

     do you understand

     do you do you do you do you see

     do you see

     “I see,” Jayashree said.

will you help

     “I will,” she answered.

Everything went black.

#

     She felt herself flying, moving faster than she could imagine, and hurtled into a building, through halls and up stairs.  She finally came back to herself back in the city, standing in a room, at the foot of a bed.  The storm roared outside.  The bed was opulent, surrounded by a gossamer curtain.  The room furnished as if for a man of wealth.

And she knew where she was, somehow.  The Rajh’s bedroom.  She shuddered.  How had they brought her here?  And so quickly?

They cannot see us, the pishacha told her, speaking as one voice for the first time.  The pishacha are hidden to groups, she thought.  And she had been, for a time, one of them.  She dropped a hand to her hip, feeling the khanda hanging back at her side again.  Its pommel was still warm, the metal still retaining some of the heat of the fire, unaffected by the cold and wet of the storm.

“He had guards,” she whispered.  “Did we kill them?”

They sleep.  They cannot see us, and they sleep.  He is yours.

     She unsheathed her khanda, and swept the curtain aside.  The Rajh slept peacefully, wrapped in expensive silk pajamas.

The pajamas tore as she grabbed him by his tunic and lifted him above her head one-handed, undead energies bolstering her strength.

His first reaction was to call, panicked, for his guards.  She let him, staring into his eyes.  No one would hear him.  Let him call.

“You lied to me,” she said.

“I did nothing,” he said.  “I sent you to kill spirits.  You let them have you.  I can see it in your eyes.”  He struggled against her grip.

“And the Mother of Magic let me understand them,” Jayashree answered.  “They showed me how they died.  They showed me who killed them.  Your symbol of office.  All of their deaths.  You, responsible.  And you’d have added me to their ranks without a second thought.  You’ve been executing any who cross you for years, making them disappear at the old cremation grounds.  None of them with a trial.  And few for any real offense.”

“As is my right,” the Rajh replied, choking.  “I rule here.  I.  Not the spirits, and not the Mother of Magic’s lapdogs.”

“They seem to disagree,” Jayashree answered, and there was a crack of lightning, and suddenly she stood outside, the rain now falling so hard it hurt.  The gallows pole still stood at the center of the courtyard, seven steps leading up to the platform.  She held the Rajh two feet off the ground as if he was a kitten, her muscles feeling no strain.  The voices of the pishacha were legion again, echoing in her head.

do it

     yes yes yes

     hurt him burn him kill him

     he was the one

     we died he dies

     give him to us

     give him to the ground

     do it do it do it

     Realizing where he was, the Rajh began to scream.

     “You said to rid you of the spirits,” Jayashree spat.  “You cared not how, do you remember?  The spirits will trouble you no longer, Rajh.  There is just this one thing to do, first.”

     Jayashree hauled the struggling man up the seven steps.  At the top, the rope beckoned.

“The pishacha or the gallows pole, you told me,” the warrior Jayashree said, wrapping the bamboo rope around the Rajh’s neck.  “I made the wrong choice at first.  I have changed my mind.  I choose the pole.”

She kicked the Rajh in the back, sending him flying off the platform.

The wet snap of his neck echoed like thunder in the empty courtyard.

 

On 2016, six days later

Jerry Holkins over at Penny Arcade wrote this the other day, and it crystallized a couple of things for me:

screen-shot-2017-01-06-at-10-00-10-am

And… yeah.  That’s about right.  Not only was 2016 the worst year of my life, even before we take into account anything that took place outside of my immediate household, its nefarious and evil aspects spilled over into the end of 2015 and the end of 2017.  At the end of 2015 I had a Health Event, ending up in the hospital twice.  I was on medical leave for months and resigned at the beginning of 2016.  I figured I’d be employed again within a month.  Two, at the most.

It took six.  And I haven’t had a weekend off since, and three days a week I work eleven-hour shifts, barely get to see my wife, and effectively don’t get to see my son at all.  And my income is, well, we’ll say unstable.

I’ve sold one book (99 cents!) in the last two months and haven’t written a single word of fiction since July.

Oh, and my mother-in-law is in hospice and probably has less than a week to live.  It could very well be today.

And that’s before the part where we installed a fascist in the White House, a fact that overshadows every single other bad thing that happened outside of the walls of my home last year and that I have been firmly in a state of I Cannot Even for weeks.  I was talking with an old friend about it the other day; it’s really odd to know you’re in a state of denial, to recognize it and not be able to do anything about it.

My job is dependent on the economy being functional.  I need to be preparing for Armageddon over here, in what may as well be a completely literal fashion.

Nothing’s getting better this year.  Nothing at all. As much as I’d like to endorse that last sentence up there, and I really want to, I don’t know how to protect anyone from what’s coming.

Fuck 2016.  Fuck it to death.  And by God, by the end of this year I’ll probably be looking back at it with nostalgia.

On self-fulfilling prophecies

3a.jpgHad this customer the other day who creeped me out.  He was really rude when I greeted him when he came into the store and then was hugely demanding once he decided that it was time to be paid attention to, as if part of my job was to read his mind rather than, say, treat him like a human and try to help him out.

He demanded a quote on a couple of pieces of furniture.  Now, normally during this process I collect everyone’s address and phone number and all that other nonsense.  Naturally, Creepy was in a huge hurry for his quote once he’d decided I was worthy to serve him for a moment, so I just put the store’s phone number in and wrote it up, figuring there was no actual goddamn chance he was going to come back and buy.

So of course he came back the next day and dropped a couple grand on a leather sofa and a recliner.  He wanted delivery, and was a complete ass about 1) transit times (I cannot transport furniture instantly from Mississippi, and I do not have the warehouse space necessary to retain four or five examples of everything on our enormous fucking sales floor) and 2) delivery scheduling (I cannot give you a time window for your delivery when your furniture has not arrived and your delivery is not scheduled.)

All the while, he was creeping me out.  Mean and creepy is not a great combination, guys.  This dude is both.  In heavy doses.

“He’s gonna be an issue,” I told my boss, who was fully aware of (and shared) my creeped-outedness.  “Something will happen.  I guarantee it.  This will be an issue, and I’m going to regret ever selling anything to this guy.”

His furniture arrived yesterday.  Not only on time– early!  I unloaded his sofa from the truck myself and checked it over for anything that looked remotely like damage.  It was clean.  I double-checked that we had availability for Saturday deliveries, because he’d informed me that he had a job– no one else has one of those!– and was therefore only available for Saturday delivery.  And then I called him.

And then the phone rang.  And I cussed, because that’s annoying, when someone calls while you’re on another call.  Especially with creepy guys.

And then the recording that my store uses when we don’t answer the phone kicks in.  And I cussed again, because for some reason I’ve done this a couple of times before– the store’s number is on the invoice too, and sometimes if I’m in a hurry I won’t realize what I’m doing and I call the store instead of the customer.

And then I noticed that both of the phone entries had the store’s number.  Because when he’d come in and bought, I’d just updated the quote with his actual address, and hadn’t remembered that I’d used the store’s phone number.  And he’d refused to give me an email address because he “could think of no reason that I required it” (ha!) and so I officially had no fucking way to contact the guy at all.

I spent about ten minutes searching our invoice archives in half a dozen different ways to see if he’d bought from the store before.  No dice; one guy with the same name and a different address, but the number was dead.  I checked Facebook to see if I could find him.  Nothing going there either.  And then I sent him a Goddamn actual snail-mail letter, asking him to call the store, because there was no other way to get ahold of the fucker to let him know his shit was in.

I’m hoping he calls and schedules his furniture when I’m on my weekend.  Cross your fingers for me, ‘k?

Sigh.

On low standards

I wActivity-for-iOS-app-icon-medium-220x188.jpgant my Pebble back.  In fact, after a week (?) of Apple Watch ownership, I’m kind of tired of Apple as an entity, for the first time in quite a while.

(Before you say it: yes, I’m aware I can turn this shit off.  And I’m going to, as soon as I’m done complaining about it.  I shouldn’t have to turn annoying shit off.  This annoying shit should not happen.)

I am a smartwatch fan, as the three entries under this one that WordPress will select will no doubt demonstrate.  I have simple goals for my watch: I want it to alert me when I get an important notification (“important” being determined by me) and I want it to be a watch and an alarm clock, and to have a battery life compatible with being both.  I was worried about the Apple Watch’s battery; I plug it in while I’m reading at night and it’s fine, and it appears to be good to go to make it two days without a charge with no real trouble.  It’s at 80% right now and hasn’t been charged since last night.  That’s fine.

I just got a notification congratulating me for standing for one minute during each of the last twelve hours.

Read that sentence again, and drown in the banality of the universe.  And realize that I was on my feet for the entirety of at least seven of those hours.  I walked four and a half miles while I was at work, 9000 steps (less than usual; it’s Wednesday, my half day) and collapsed on the couch at home and fell asleep.  I didn’t hit either of my “fitness goals.”  I can’t set a step goal, which is kind of annoying.  I feel like that ought to be available.  But I can for damn sure be nagged to stop doing things and freaking meditate like some sort of techno-hippy once an hour and be congratulated at the end of the day because once per hour in the past 12 hours I, I dunno, got up to take a piss or something.  But the watch doesn’t notice seven straight hours on my feet.

Bah.

Also, whatever was in the iOS update that pushed out Tuesday bricked my phone, and I was nearly late to work trying to figure out what the hell had gone wrong and restoring my most recent (ie, months old) backup.  So I’m not super keen about technology right now in general.  But yeah:  Bah.

(WordPress probably ought to not choose this entry as another chance to constantly re-add Uncategorized as a category or delete half my tags while I’m adding them.  Just saying.)

In which OH NO YOU DIDN’T oh yes I did

5327794+_3ff0bbc97327e2e34c0e4ea77569e412.jpgSome of our tables– most of them, actually– have leaves in them.  Any table that is on a pedestal is generally a breeze to put in and/or take out the leaf; the halves of the table are counterweighted and you can pull them apart with one hand.

And then there’s the tables with four legs, one in each corner, like you probably picture when you think of a table.  These can be a bastard to get apart to take the leaf out, especially one or two particular models that I don’t even like to sell to people who want to be able to use the leaf.  Pick a setting and keep it there forever; forget the leaf.  If I have to demonstrate with those tables, I have to ask the customer to help me out, and one of us needs to stand on each end and pull to get the goddamn thing apart enough to take the leaf out.  Sometimes we have to pull hard.

“Lend me a hand, here,” I’ll say to this hypothetical customer, as that’s a thing that people say to each other and it has a meaning that is immediately understood.

Yesterday, in precisely this circumstance, I said “lend me one hand” to the customer instead of “lend me a hand.”  Why did I phrase it that way?  Because yesterday was a long and emotionally draining day– there were good reasons I did not post yesterday, ending a streak of over two years of daily posting, and I was tired as hell and not, to put it mildly, my best self.

Oh, and also, the customer I was talking to had one arm, and I am a complete idiot.

I don’t know for sure that he noticed.  He certainly didn’t react at all, but he didn’t buy the table.

But seriously.  Jesus.