It is, as I’m typing this, 7:54 in the AM, and I’ve not had coffee, because my coffeepot won’t coffeepot fast enough. I want to be playing Fallout 4, but I have a rule right now, and that rule is words before video games, so I gotta at least talk about Fallout 4 before I can go play Fallout 4.
I’m starting to really detest this generation of consoles. Now, in the strict interest of honesty, I need to point out that all I have is a PS4, but I have not heard anything better about the Xbox One. Trying to play Fallout the other night required not only an update to the console itself (for network features that I have no interest in and will never ever ever ever ever ever ever use, because if I want to be called the N-word by a nine year old I’ll go to work) but a probably forty minute long installation sequence, during which the game played seven different videos that I couldn’t skip through. The first two were cute, at which point I realized the game really did think I was going to watch the other five and I felt part of my soul die.
I turned off the volume and went to do something else. At least, unlike the vile Metal Gear Solid V, this game didn’t pretend its stupid videos were part of the story. All that said, I would have preferred a goddamn progress bar against a black screen, because that would definitely have signaled go do something else and not this will be cute and funny for five minutes, bearable for ten, and will raise your blood pressure noticeably for the next thirty.
Anyway. Eventually I did actually get to play a game, and I got to choose what I looked like, and it actually mattered, again unlike Metal Gear Solid V, where I still don’t understand why they let me choose what I looked like and then made me look like a mulleted, one-eyed hobo anyway.
Apparently the main story of this game involves saving my kidnapped infant son, which is sorta triggery, by the way, and actually affected my choice of how to play my character, because this lady’s gonna kill the hell out of everything in her way until I find the damn baby. There will be precious few sidequests done before the main quest is finished.
Oh, right. And then, an hour in, they threw this motherfucker at me. Spoilers, but only real mild ones, and you’ve already seen the picture anyway, and it’s an hour in so shut up about spoilers anyway:
Now, maybe you don’t play video games, or maybe you don’t play Fallout 4, so you’re not going Oh, holy shit, are you kidding? right now. In that case, note that that giant fucker is called a Deathclaw, and understand that it earns that name, and take notice that it looks like a dinosaur on steroids on purpose, and also understand that throwing that thing at you as part of literally one of the game’s very first missions is a sign that the game is not fucking around at all with you and that you probably ought to get used to that shit right now.
It killed me five or six times and I went to bed. Now it’s 8:12 AM, and I’m awake, and my coffee is probably ready by now, so I’m gonna go find a way to kill this nasty sumbitch because I have a lot to do today– we are actually having people over for dinner tonight, so I gotta cook, plus Sunlight, plus cleaning, plus a good half-dozen other miscellaneous chores that are probably good for a couple of hours. Also, the wind is blowing outside like I cannot believe so at some point a tree will probably fall on the house.
But first I gotta kill my ass a Deathclaw and dance on the corpse.