Naturally, this happens the week after Searching for Malumba comes out. Consider it a bonus story.
I have a number of former students with whom I am in at least irregular contact. One of them, a former DC student, which is why she has my phone number, reliably texts me three or four days a week about something or another. Today I got a text from her as I was leaving the house. She was griping about her teeth; she’d just been to the dentist and had them (apparently rather thoroughly) cleaned, and they hurt. I reassured her that it was unlikely that her teeth were going to hurt forever and went on my way– which, at that particular time, involved going and getting in my car to go pick up my son. A moment later, I got three more picture texts– I can tell when someone sends me a picture because of the way my watch shows me the notification, but can’t actually get a thumbnail or anything.
I, waiting at a red light, glanced at the pictures a couple of minutes later and realized that she’d sent me three pictures of her new high school, since they just moved. She thinks it looks like a jail. She’s right.
I don’t text while driving often (he said) but when I do, I voice text, and it’s generally pretty damn accurate. I sent her the following message:
It took me a minute before I had a chance to look at those and at first I thought you had sent me pictures of your teeth.
Because, of course, she’d just come from the dentist! Smile a couple of times– hell, point the camera at the filling in your molar, hell if I know– and send off the pictures of your nice freshly cleaned teeth. Not an out-of-context picture of a jail-like school building.
I glanced at my phone before hitting Send. Thank fucking God.
It took me a minute before I had a chance to look at those and at first I thought you had sent me pictures of your titties.
WHAT THE FUCK, VOICE TEXT. This is supposed to be an adaptive program, right? It learns your voice and all that shit. Y’all have been reading me for a minute. You know I swear. You have hundreds of thousands of words of my writing to wade through on this site. I dare you to find another place where I said “titties.” Why the fuck would my phone think I said “titties” when I said “teeth”?
I’d have had to drive off a bridge. I’d have had to find a bridge, because hell if I can think of where the closest one is off the top of my head, and then I’d have to drive off of it, because my only options at that point would have been to be arrested or to become an internet meme.
Phones are stupid.