PRODUCTIVITY!

Malumba print cover full resolution

I went to bed Monday night around 11:00 PM.  Maybe a bit before; that’s probably around when I fell asleep.  I got up at 6:20, normal time, went to take a piss– which is also normal– and the world went away, which is not normal.  I went back to bed and spent a solid 20 minutes shivering despite the presence of wifely body heat, an extra blanket, and a fricking heating pad turned up to full power, and at that point it became real clear that I wasn’t going to work.  Again.

I’ve missed, at this point, 10 of the last 13 days of school.  I proceeded to sleep until 4:30, when my wife and son got home, got up until around 10, then went back to sleep, meaning that I got eighteen and a half hours of sleep yesterday.

Not normal.

I didn’t go to work today either, because when you sleep 18 1/2 hours on Tuesday, you don’t go to work on Wednesday, because who the hell knows what could happen if you go to work.

Last night, I didn’t take my Lexapro, because fuck it, that’s why.  And would you like to know what I got done today?  I got the ebook edition of Searching for Malumba finished with the possible exception of a couple of edits if my wife demands them, the entire print edition ready to go from scratch, and the cover, from start to finish.  This is, in case you’re wondering, more productivity in about six hours than in the entire three weeks that I was on Lexapro.

Fuck Lexapro, is what I’m getting at here.

I haven’t wanted to/been able to do anything other than sleep for the last three weeks, and the intermittent bouts of insane dizziness haven’t helped with anything either.  I had an episode last week that was attributed to dehydration despite the fact that I drink enormous amounts of water and I piss like a racehorse to prove it.  I’m at the point where the anxiety was better than not being able to do anything, and I cannot afford to keep missing work like this– in the most literal sense imaginable, since I’d run out of sick days before this week’s nonsense.

I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to ask my doctor to find me something else to take or if I’m just going to go with the non-medication suggestions my therapist made.  One way or another, I’m not dealing with Lexapro any longer.  It’s not worth it.

(But hey!  Searching for Malumba is coming out on time after all!  I was seriously starting to worry about that!  Pre-order it, dammit, and reward my productivity!)

3 thoughts on “PRODUCTIVITY!

  1. Oy, glad you are okay; that sounds scary. I’ve had depression for like 30 years and meds were a bad experience. I’d say, try some of the other things your therapist recommends–then if you still feel like you need help, look at some other antidepressants. You might find something that works better. Good luck!

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  2. J.R.Barker

    I have a feeling that if you know that the problem is something wrong in your life then no amount of drugs is going to help. Having said that perhaps the break was what you needed, time away from school, even if it was drug induced.

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  3. Dude, you’re probably not depressed. I suspect you’ve got a crazy cognitive dissonance re teaching going on. You need out of teaching. I think it’s a simple solution for you. Get an admin or management job and do something else. You’re burnt out from teaching, that’s all. Hell, what would I know? I got out of classroom teaching music in 2007, haven’t looked back. And I only taught classroom for 6 years. (Although I add about 5 years to that given the noise element of music teaching that is designed to put one off music for life)

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