On the marihuana

hqdefaultBecause that’s totally the more fun spelling.

Actually, personal health note first: got my bloodwork(*) back today.  Everything was normal.  So I’m… fine?  I suspect the doctor is gonna fall back on stress as the cause, but I haven’t talked to her yet and, again, there’s nothing anyone can do about it because fuckit there’s only four days of school left.

So. That’s out of the way, let’s talk about weed.  You have homework first.  I’ve been involved in a minor Twitter kerfluffle about this article, which is itself about this article, which is made fun of even more in this blog post.  Actually, “kerfluffle” overstates the point; it’s maybe eight posts back and forth between me and two other dudes and right now is entirely civil, but “kerfluffle” is fun to say.

You didn’t click on any of those links, so lemme sum up.  Maureen Dowd, who writes for the New York Times and is therefore not very important, went to Colorado and bought herself, on purpose, a THC-infused chocolate bar.  She ate a piece of it.  Nothing happened, so she ate the whole thing.  She then spent somewhere between eight and ninety-two hours begging for Jesus to save her from the flavor monkeys that were trying to share the couch with her.  Turns out she was only supposed to eat a square of the candy bar, and she just hadn’t waited long enough for it to kick in.  The candy bar had sixteen squares.  

(WAIT.  No, that’s not quite right.  The candy bar was supposed to “be cut into” sixteen squares; I was picturing something pre-scored, like a Hershey bar.  Not the case.)

Everybody else is making fun of Dowd.  Whose name sounds like “Dowdy,” which means “fat and boring,” basically, so it’s like she got named just to get mocked for writing something inflammatory about weed.  Basically Dowd thinks that, well, if we’re selling this shit, maybe we ought to put some labels on it or something.

“You dumbass,” everyone else is saying.  “You should have done your own research on this before cramming sixteen times the safe dose of the marihuana into your mouth and brain-parts!  Who doesn’t know to drink a lot of water to come down from a  weed high, anyway?”

Here’s the thing, y’all.  As much as I don’t like defending people who write for the New York Times, and especially as much as I don’t like defending people who are named Dowd… she’s kinda right on this one.

Weed is legal in Colorado.

Motherfuckers do not do research before they eat legal shit.

And a candy bar is a goddamn single-serving snack, and I will punch anyone who claims otherwise.  If you serve me a candy bar and say “eat this to make things happen!” I am going to eat the whole thing.  If I am expected to go to the entirely counterintuitive trouble of cutting my single candy bar into sixteen squares so that the weed won’t turn me into Ralphie May after a cup of Cuban coffee…

…well, then I’m not gonna have a good time, am I?

What’s going to happen now (what is already happening now) that Colorado has legalized weed is that a lot of people who might have otherwise never tried weed are going to try it, in some form or another.  Candy bars are safe.  I don’t smoke; I don’t know how.  I know how to eat a goddamn brownie, though.  Here’s how:  eat the brownie.

Non Drug People are going to start making this mistake a whole hell of a lot if the dispensaries don’t start being very careful with how they package and dispense this stuff, especially comestibles.  If it isn’t being sold as a single-use (I’m picturing, like, a Halloween candy sized piece; if I find out MoDo ate two pounds of THC chocolate I’ll retract this whole thing) then it needs to be really prominently labeled.


Just saying.

(Note: I am not a Weed Person; my experiences with weed are minimal and with other drugs nonexistent.  I can totally imagine myself doing exactly what MoDo did here.  I’m not going to do research before I eat a candy bar.  Because that’s dumb.)

(*)  Really, WordPress?  You autocorrected “bloodwork” to bloodworm?  

9 thoughts on “On the marihuana

  1. Lol too funny, I can see myself doin’ the same damn thing though and like you my weed experience is about as close to non existent as you can get, even tho I’m a hillbilly lol


  2. teannadorsey

    It sounds like she knew to only eat a piece of it, but she didn’t realize it would take a while to kick in. I can see first timers making that mistake if they were determined to get the experience, but still someone must have explained the 16 pieces to her before she ate it, she just wasn’t patient enough…


  3. You’re right. “Say it again, Sam”. Anyway, although here in Puerto Rico, now renamed Prude-orico, it will be years before Wal-tussin and Wal-dryl are replaced by Wal-rihuana. so we needn’t worry too much.


  4. Ok this cracked me up! To identify myself.. I come from a family of nerds and happen to be proud of my nerd status…yet without knowing what the hell I was doing… I ate a M cookie my 82 year old father-in law baked… and I got stoned out of my mind…My husband who is not a pot smoker either…said “kick back and enjoy it”…The funniest part was I was hungry when i arrived at their house and grabbed the cookie…ate it…started to get stoned 15 minutes later and my father in law who was turned on to marijuana cookies ( from a creative artist friend of ours here in Maui)….says to us “you do not want to eat those cookies”…you will fall asleep …so we know what it does for him!.. I never told him I ate one…I just sat there with my lips frozen shut when I was at their house!

    To some all this up. We left to go home …stopped by one of my nerd offices to pick up a check ..having no idea what I said to Dr M..as my husband challenged me to go in and act like I was fine.. ..( I was stoned for over 6 hours! ..on a very small cookie…yet.I started telling my husband about all these multidimensional experiences I was having… asking him to explain to me EXACTLY what this THC thing is doing to my brain..Telling him that this would probably either expand ones consciousness..in a good way…or confirm to them they would never touch it again…i am just not sure how people function who get that stoned!…so i am pretty sure I was having more like a MODO …Dowd experience… I would be a supporter of LABELS!!! (Rookie one square)

    Wow lots of words…funny you just came on to my blog when I am going into a self imposed silence….for 14 days…( kinda like getting stoned by the way)…looking forward to following your blog..AS i THINK i AM A PRETTY FUNNY NERD… From heaven to hell and back to somewhere in between…all in one cookie…Robyn
    ( thanks for stopping by my blog…only 2 months in…and i love my stats)…because I am a 5D nerd…now look that up!


  5. pjsandchocolate

    I don’t dabble in the MJ myself, but recently this article came out of the Denver post indicating that is she had ACTUALLY READ THE LABEL she would have seen “Colorado law requires edible marijuana products manufactured for retail sale to feature the total amount of THC in milligrams. Meanwhile, the labels also contain this advisement: “The standardized serving size for this product includes no more than 10 mg of Active THC.” ”
    There is apparently also a law mandating “wait “two or more hours” for the intoxicating effects to kick in… Retail edibles packages offer that warning, too, as mandated by state law.”
    Full article, in case you’re interested.


  6. I agree completely with you. No one will think “Oh let’s WAIT and see what happens” and everyone will think “GIVE ME THE CHOCOLATE NOW”. I once had to make a manual on how to fix a bike tire and my teacher said (I was 12): think of all the dumb people that need to understand it too. Now, I’m not calling anyone dumb here, I’m just saying we need to bare the most inexperienced, yet curious person in mind here.


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