And now I’m going to die

Giant box! 55-pound giant box!

My first look inside the box and HOLY CRAP THOSE WHEELS:

The contents of the box, removed and placed next to the box. I give Mongoose an A for packaging, as someone who became an aficionado of that little aspect of the universe while selling furniture.

If you thought this was a wheel for a motorcycle, it would not be the dumbest mistake you had ever made. Seriously, I knew what I was buying and I was still not prepared:

Several of the reviews from professional Bike People suggested that the Mongoose Dolomite would be a good bike if you replaced about half a dozen parts. The one place where I took that seriously was the seat. On the left, a seat for my ample ass. On the right, the stock seat. I think this was a good call:

The red on the new seat doesn’t quite match the red on the bike, which is a terrible disappointment. (Not really.) I decided to put everything on finger-tight first, going very, very slowly and trying to make sue I knew what I was doing at any given time. Note that putting a front tire with disc brakes into the fork on a 50-pound bike is… kinda tricky! But I think it’s okay.

And, finally: a bike.

Another positive development: the helmet (which also showed up today) fits, and I even got lucky enough to find one that had that red streak, which matches the bike pretty nicely. It is difficult to convey just how beefy this thing looks in person; the pictures don’t do the sheer size of the tires justice. It’s freakin’ gorgeous, though. I will probably not be riding it today, as I do have several things to do before that happens:

• Figure out what the proper tire pressure is and inflate the tires. Note that this will require an electric pump, as these tires laugh at piddly little hand pumps.
• The seat is in the lowest possible spot, which means that the rear reflector is actually obscured by the tire if you’re directly behind the bike. I should probably get some actual lights. This isn’t a serious priority right now, though, as my night riding is going to be minimal for a while and I may end up adjusting the seat once I get more used to getting on and off the bike.
• I do not especially trust the gearshift, which was another thing people were griping about; it feels kind of flimsy, and it was changing gears while I was tightening the handle in place. I may end up taking this to a bike place and asking them to specifically check out the brakes, the gearshift, and the derailleur.
• I need to learn how to pronounce “derailleur.” I think it’s just de-rail-er, but it looks like you’re supposed to say it fancy-like.
• Also I have literally never ridden a bike where shifting gears was even an option and I need to figure out how to do that.

And then, after I do all that, I can put the bike in the garage and never ride it, because terror! We’re set for the summer!