So the boy has figured out how to use the Netflix app on his (my) iPad, meaning that he no longer really watches “TV” in the classic sense, ie, on an actual television. He’s also become a bit less likely to get religion about a show for weeks at a time. The New Hotness might last only a few days now before he moves onto something else. Also, because he’s watching on a personal device, what he’s watching requires a bit more direct monitoring than the TV, which gets shoved into my brain if I’m in the room whether I want to or not.
A couple of weeks ago I’m sitting in my recliner, probably reading or something, and he’s on the couch watching some damn thing on the iPad. After a few minutes, I realize that the word butt has floated into my earballs just a bit more than random chance might otherwise suggest, and I start paying attention. And the word butt continues to fly from the iPad.
“Boy, what the hell are you watching?”
“The Day my Butt went Psycho,” he says.
“What’s it really called?” I say.
This confuses him. At any rate, he’s telling the truth, and The Day My Butt Went Psycho is an actual fucking show, made by Canadians and Australians, no less, two peoples who I thought had more sense than this, and based on an actual book. Although it doesn’t appear to be actually about a particular day, or anyone’s particular butt going psycho. No, this show’s actually the weirdest post-apocalyptic fantasy in television history:
Butts! Always one step behind. Years ago, butts rose up to overthrow humanity. People fought back! And now an uneasy peace remains, as the world waits for the next great buttfighter!
Here, there, everywhere,
Butts are loose but we don’t care
I’m teaming up with my butt
Cheek for cheek, an awesome pair
We’ve got the same DNA
Kicking butt in every waaaaay
Zach and Deuce forever!
I have so many questions. How many years ago did this happen? Decades? Just a couple of years? Has Zach’s butt Deuce always been detatched, or as the show implies, did it happen when he was a teenager? Are children born with their butts detatched? Can butts reproduce on their own without human assistance? Do butts automatically match their humans in gender? How the hell does pooping and digestion in general work now? Do butts need to eat?
What the merry fuck is buttfighting? Why is the world waiting for a buttfighter, and how will a buttfighter help with the “uneasy peace” between people and butts? Zach and Deuce are best friends; are they unusual in this respect? Do most people not get along with their butts? How does that work? What happens to the people whose butts were killed during the Great Butt Uprising? What happens to the butts whose people were killed during the Great Butt Uprising? Have animals also lost their butts? What about other living things who possess a digestive system and a means of excretion but do not, precisely speaking, have what we would call a “butt”?
What exactly is a butt, anyway?
I need to know the answers to these questions. But without, like, watching the show or anything, because I just cannot handle this number of butt-related puns, with episodes like Butt I’m a Cheerleader and Jurassic Fart and Game of Porcelain Thrones and My God Just Kill Me and maybe I made up that last one.
This show is not telling the stories I want to hear. I need worldbuilding here, people! Exposition! When are the prequels coming out? I must know about the uprising.
God help me.
God help us all.