Margarecapsville

… I’m sorry.  So very sorry.  I should be punished for that.

But read my recap of the latest The Walking Dead over at Sourcerer before you beat me.

In which I am not in jail

Booyah.

In which my loins are girded

20130816-163401.jpgI am not just the building designee tomorrow, I am literally the only administrative team member in the building.  Everyone else will be in Houston at a conference, a conference I specifically exempted myself from attending because I have no interest in Texas.

I will be posting Sven at the office door.  You have to get past him to get to me; if you get to me, I will suspend you and then task one of the secretaries to call your parents so that I don’t have to.  If you are not someone I can legally suspend, I will probably do the paperwork to suspend you anyway.

If at 3:30 PM tomorrow I am not in jail, the day was a success.

Question for the writerpeople

121228063239-barnes-and-noble-blog1Does anyone have any experience with nookpress.com?  I popped in at my local Barnes and Noble this afternoon and spoke with a (genuinely!) helpful and nice manager about potentially doing a book signing there some time after Sanctum comes out.  The good news: they’re completely willing to work with independent authors and don’t particularly care that I don’t have a traditional publisher.  The bad news: they do care that my print books are printed by CreateSpace, because Amazon owns CreateSpace.  Interestingly, the print edition of Skylights is available at Barnes and Noble.com, but corporate policy states that they won’t stock CreateSpace books in-store and therefore they can’t do signing events with authors published through them, since they order the stock themselves when that happens.

Print sales of Skylights have been minimal– I have sold seven copies, total, and I know who ordered six of those seven.  I suspect I also will eventually find out I know the seventh person as well.  So even if Amazon’s not willing to carry a book in print if it’s printed through B&N, I don’t know that I’m hurting myself if I can sell print books a few times a year at author sales– at least not right now, although if I somehow magically hit the big time that’ll become a problem quickly.  If Amazon is willing to carry Nook Press books, the only problem is that NP charges a bit more than CreateSpace does and the price of the books would have to go up a buck or so.  Then again, without one in-hand … maybe there’s  a quality difference, too, y’know?

Anyway, back to the question: anyone used this service?  Advice is gratefully received at the moment.

THE GOBLIN EMPEROR: A massively contradictory review

Igoblinemperor have no idea how to write this review, guys.  I finished The Goblin Emperor in maybe four or five big gulps before bed.  On at least two or three of those nights it kept me up much later than I wanted to be awake.  I loved every word of it, and it’s on my shortlist for my 2015 best books list.

And if I say a single other word about it, it’s going to sound like I hated the thing.

In fact, skip to the last two paragraphs and don’t bother reading any of the stuff in between.

Because this book?  Has flaws.  But it somehow gets away with them.  It has elves and goblins that have no reason to be elves and goblins– they’re humans in all but name– and in fact appear at times to be poor analogues of black people and white people.  The titular emperor is a half-goblin.  There’s lots of talk about skin color, and how perfectly white elves are, and how full-blood goblins tend to be black, and by black, I mean obsidian black, not brown.  The names are straight out of Tolkien parodies– not Tolkien, Tolkien parodies– and tend to be fifty letters long and have a bunch of unnecessary apostrophes in them– there is a room in the castle, which by the way is called the Untheilenenise Court, or something like that, because I refuse to double-check the spelling and that word has at least four more e’s than it needs, called the– wait for it– Mazan’theileian.

There’s a glossary.  Because of course there is.  Here’s the entry for the Mazan’theileian:

Mazan’theileian: the hall of the Athmaz’are in the Untheilenenise Court.

Oh.

Right, that hall.

Here is the quote on the back of the book:

Ambitious and meticulously executed world-building brings an animated dazzle to this exceptional assemblage of character studies and complex encounters, while the expressive evocation of its youthful protagonist’s shyness and insecurity adds an affecting authenticity to the steampunk-infused fantasy setting.”

If that quote does not make you want to punch the author of the blurb, many times, for the crime of masturbating where you can see it, you and I probably cannot be friends.

Also, nothing really happens.  Spoilers!  The main character solves a crime.  He chooses a wife, but never actually gets around to marrying her.  Some people try to do mean things to him, but don’t worry!  They will fail.  And that’s about it.  The book is supposedly about how the young, ignorant and naive Goblin Emperor grows into his job, or something, but he’s actually pretty startlingly good at it from the jump, and never really makes any terrible mistakes.  There is a startling amount of the book dedicated to choice of personal pronouns.  And the dialogue tends to be full of thees and thous and oh so goddamn much use of the Imperial We.

Sounds awful, right?

Shut up and read it.

Ignore me.  Ignore all of these things, and if you start reading the book and they get on your nerves, keep reading, because somehow this book, which by rights ought to be unreadable crap, is fantastic, and I promise it will grow on you and then suddenly the book will be over and you will be sad about it.

I just cannot explain why.

Heh.

Apparently I registered this site with WordPress eight years ago today.  It wasn’t always infinitefreetime, mind you; I changed it when I started this blog, and didn’t actually use the site.  But… Happy Anniversary to me, sorta?

This is one of the less horrifying offerings you get on Google when you search for “Sad Cake”:

6a0133ec49e4e4970b0133ec9e60c4970b

On #WeNeedDiverseBooks, chicken, and Lent

weneeddiversebooks-shelfGot into an interesting conversation on Twitter tonight (I’m writing this Sunday night to pop on Monday morning) and I feel the need to expand on my thoughts a little bit without the restriction of 140 characters, especially since the thread quickly expanded to include four different Twitter handles, and actually talking got kinda difficult quickly.

You can hit up my Twitter stream if you want all the details, but this is the Tweet that caught my attention.  I’m stripping the username out of it because the guy was being reasonable and polite the whole time and I’m not writing this to dump on him– plus, again, my Twitter feed is literally to the right of this post anyway if you want to go looking.

The original post was a question:

My only question to you two is this: is it wrong to discriminate against authors based on gender and race?

A bit of background is perhaps necessary:  While I am not completely certain where the hashtag campaign originated, it blew up right around the time this article by K. T. Bradford was published at XOJane.  The headline for the article really tells you everything you need to know:  I Challenge You to Stop Reading White, Straight, Cis Male Authors for One Year.

couple things on that.

1) I am a white, straight, cis male author.
2) I like it when people read my books.  I like it more when they read my books via sending me money for them.
3) You should absolutely do this challenge if you’re remotely interested in it, even though it means you won’t be reading any of my books for a year.  Although you could decide to start it in May, right after you finish reading The Sanctum of the Sphere.

Is it wrong to discriminate against authors based on gender and race?

Yes.  Discrimination is wrong.

However, and this is real goddamn important:  DECIDING TO NOT READ SOMEONE’S WORK IS NOT DISCRIMINATING AGAINST THEM.  That’s first and foremost.  Absolutely nogoddamnbody anywhere owes an author a read of their books.  I don’t owe it to anyone to read their books.  None of you owe it to me to read my books unless you are my momma or my wife, and even they probably don’t really have to if they don’t want to.  As a reader, in order to read your books I have to invest both a) my money and b) my time, which is far more valuable to me.  You are not entitled to either of those things.

As a writer, I am similarly not entitled to either of those things from my readers.  It takes a special kind of blindness to one’s own privilege to see “I don’t want to give you my money or my time” and interpret it as discrimination.  That is not remotely what that word means and you absolutely cannot even begin to think that way unless you believe (and you may not even realize you believe it) that you are somehow entitled to the time and money of other people.  It’s simply not true at all.

Furthermore: nowhere does K.T. Bradford say you should never read books by white, straight, cis male authors again.  She explicitly challenges her readers to stop reading writers of that persuasion for a year.  Even if you could claim discrimination if someone was trying to talk people out of buying your work based on some immutable physical characteristic of yours, your already-bad-and-wrong case gets even weaker when the time-limited aspect is added in.  This is not, to use a food metaphor, never eat a cheeseburger again.  This is try some goddamn chicken once in a while.  

This is, in fact, basically the book version of Lent.  A lot of y’all are Christians, right?  So maybe you gave up something for Lent.  It’s ludicrous to decree that you are discriminating against gambling, or chocolate, or Coke Zero or masturbation or whatever by giving it up for a few months.  You’re denying yourself something you like,  yes, and maybe a really good candy bar might debut during that forty days or however long Lent is, but it’ll still be there after Lent.  And maybe in the meantime you’ll have discovered that you really enjoy playing handball instead of gambling, or eating roasted brussels sprouts instead of chocolate, or vodka instead of Coke Zero, or self-flagellation instead of masturbating.  Once Lent is over,  you can go right back to those other things– only now you’ve discovered all this other stuff that you like too!  Maybe you’ll discover something you liked even more than chocolate!

How would you have known that if you never tried?

Now, all that said: I am not participating in this challenge.  I already try to keep an eye out for writers of color and women writers, and if I remember right three of my four top books for the last two years were not by white males, so I’m clearly doing something right.  I bought Django Wexler’s first book at least partially because I assumed that being named Django meant he was black, and I still think he’s cheating.  I am, in fact, reading The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison right now, and I’m about halfway through it and it’s spectacular.  Do I say this so that you’ll give me a cookie?  No.  I say this to point out that by looking out for the occasional Saladin Ahmed or Helene Wecker or Bill Campbell or Nnedi Okorafor or Ann Leckie or whoever, I’m already getting cookies.  And cookies are delicious and you should eat more of them, even if it means that sometimes you’re too full for yet another baked potato.

Hmm.

I may, at some point in this post, have overmixed a metaphor.

tl;dr: Quit being silly, white guys.

That time I pissed off a squirrel

Angry-squirrel-1600-1200It was lovely yesterday; last week was basically the first nice week of the year, and it’s projected to be seventy degrees tomorrow.  So we decided to take the boy to the zoo, which was open for all of three hours to people with memberships.

I like our zoo.  It’s nothing enormously special as zoos go, but for a town this size I’d say they do pretty well, and most of the animals were at least out of their enclosures and hanging out where people could look at them.  The emus were booming, too, which is always a neat thing, because I think emus are neat animals and they’re startlingly loud.

But I don’t actually want to talk about any of the regular animals.  We were walking past the anteater (who came outside to piss as we walked past; every time we go to this zoo, we get to see the anteater take a piss) and past the (empty) macaw enclosure when I heard a weird noise from overhead.   I thought at first it was the macaw, but after looking around a bit more we realized it was a squirrel.

A squirrel, in a tree, busily eating a Styrofoam cup.  The odd sound of squirrel teeth on Styrofoam was what I’d heard.

Um.

“You’re not supposed to be eating those,” I called out to the squirrel.  He dropped the cup.

Feeling proud of myself– I had communicated with a squirrel!– I went to pick the cup up. And the squirrel barreled down the tree, chattering at me angrily, and causing me, for the first time in my life, to consider how interested I was in starting shit with an overgrown rat.

My son, of course, was nearby, and terribly interested in the squirrel.  The squirrel was screeching at me for getting too close to his coffee cup, and bystanders were starting to take an interest in the whole thing.  I mean, this cup is gonna kill him if he swallows too much of it.  I’m a person, squirrel!  I’m smarter than you!  You don’t want to eat this thing!

Holy crap, can squirrels do effective death glares.

Anyway, eventually, once the I’m-not-joking standoff ended, with the squirrel deciding there were too many people around and retreating a few feet back up the tree, I kicked the half-eaten cup (which appeared to have contained hot chocolate, which explained why he was eating it) away from him and picked it up.

Holy hell was that the wrong thing to do.

About thirty feet away from the squirrel’s tree is a life-size statue of a Galapagos tortoise that little kids are encouraged to climb on.  My son, being three, wanted to climb on the tortoise, and my wife wanted to take his picture.  I couldn’t find a trashcan nearby, so I just sort of stood near them, holding the cup.

The squirrel came down the tree, stood about twenty feet away from us, and just glared.  The whole time. Seriously.  He’d have killed me if he could.

I’m pretty sure I’ve never made a nonhuman animal that mad at me before.