I am not a good parent, people, and the degree to which I constantly troll my own son is probably going to bite me in the ass sooner or later.
The boy is in this phase– I don’t know if it’s typical of toddlers, but let’s hope it is because that means eventually it’ll stop— where he really wants to constantly be asserting control over the world around him. This manifests itself in bossiness and occasionally being really picky about how things should be. Since I am a bad person, I cannot stop myself from ceaselessly screwing with him whenever he’s being like this.
An example: my son likes to play this game he calls “in the sky.” It’s basically Catch except he’s two so he can’t really catch yet. In the Sky involves getting Mommy and Daddy to stand up, placing them where he wants them to be in the room, and then assigning a ball to each of them.
Woe betide you if you use the wrong ball.
When the phrase “in the sky!” is uttered, all of the balls are thrown into the sky. Then they land, and he retrieves them, and returns them to the proper parent, and then we play again.
I cannot stop from being an asshole whenever this game is played. I’ve tried. I can’t do it.
I’m always supposed to use the red ball. He gets really mad if I use the wrong ball, so I’m always insisting on trading with my wife. It makes him nuts.
You’re supposed to throw the ball straight up in the air. Sometimes– perhaps, mathematically, a bit too often, my ball somehow manages to bounce off of his head. I don’t know why! The ball must be broken!
This game must be played standing up. I don’t understand how standing up works and must have it carefully explained to me. Every time.
I must stand where he wants me to stand. I don’t. I wander around.
He has to collect the balls and pass them back. Sometimes I get them instead. He gets so mad and it’s hilarious.
Sometimes I bounce the ball; you’re not supposed to do that. Sometimes I don’t even throw the ball when he says “in the sky,” and do it too early or too late. This is sin of the highest magnitude.
This is not the only way I’m like this, folks. I’ll watch him spend ten minutes carefully lining up all of his cars exactly the way he wants them and then nudge one of them out of line. Sometimes we’re playing with his car ramp and I send a car down the ramp backwards. On purpose.
I don’t know why I’m like this, but I can’t stop. Is anyone reading this a therapist? Because either I need one now or he’s gonna need one in the future.
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We don’t have a game exactly like this, but my son’s very clear about his play expectations . . . and always has been. It’s only recently that I’ve begun thinking about instructing him–with words and actions–on how play should involve each party getting a little of what they want, so this post hits the spot for me. I think I’ll start.
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I used to do this to my kids all of the time, it teaches them that people don’t always behave how you want them to and no surprise they’re both really good at getting others to do things their way and both really good problem solvers now they’re grown. I think it makes them problem solve better and trouble shoot awkward people. You’re giving them insight into how the real world works, things don’t always go our way. Keep it up.
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Hmm… his little brother or sister may one day get the backlash!
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I can do this with my daughter, I won’t try it with my son though.
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From experience I can tell you that yes, it will bite you in the ass, but you will be proud when it does. Enjoy this time to the fullest.
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You had in tears from laughter. I, too, was the bad parent when boy number 2 wanted things so-so. He’s outgrown it for the most part and he’s 17, but he’s still insistent on eating with a plastic (disposable fork) as the ‘real forks’ take on the heat from the food which causes him to have to eat slower and miss some serious video game of Skype with friends far away time.
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Real forks take on heat from food? So much heat that he can’t use them to eat anymore? Dude. You’re cooking wrong. 🙂
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I’m not sure where this’ll get you… but be sure to let us know how it does!
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I have to hand it to you, this really brightened my day. I am just coming off a late night at work, its around 3:45 in the morning, I’m grumpy as all hell, and then I see this post. It literally had me laughing out loud in delight.
That said, troll dad is best dad. Gotta let ’em know who’s boss right from the start. Nip it in the bud, right?
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We do this with my 19-month old grandson too – which just elicits a steely-eyed stare and a return of the object to its proper position.
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I also am a bad parent, and speaking to you from the future (having a 5 year old son) I must warn you to tone it down. If you pick on your son too often during this time (as I did) (and still do) (and always will), he will become IMMUNE.
The other night I went and hid under my son’s bed for probably 20 minutes until I was sure he would never guess anything was up. Then I started scratching on his walls. I had planned to eventually grab his feet and start screaming when he was good and scared. What did he do?
He got up, looked under his bed, and said “Hi mom”
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Please tell me you have a newsletter I can subscribe to.
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Hahaha, how about I just add a child terrorizing section to my blog? I’ll post the late night singing in a moment to start it off with a bang.
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Excellent.
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posted. Gosh though, I would make a horrible novelist.
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