On th’ pitcher shows

On April 18, 2015April 18, 2015 By Luther M. SilerIn movies8 Comments

You remember when your grandpa used to call movies that? And it was a weirdly redundant phrase, but also oddly comforting? I miss pitcher shows.

Anyway. You’ve seen this already:

I had a few things to say about the first trailer, both right after I saw it and after I had some time to think about it. My main concern, right now, is that the movie’s going to end up being a bit too scary to take my four-year-old to, and taking Kenny to see this movie is literally the main reason I want to see it. That image yesterday wasn’t a joke. Now, most of the scary scenes seem to be confined to John Boyega’s Finn character, so I’m hoping that it’s just a few bits from early in the movie. But look at this:

The bloody handprint– or at least what looks like one– on his helmet has me a bit nervous. This is a series that managed to burn three characters to a crisp and cut off multiple limbs without getting bloody. I’m not making doom and gloom proclamations, mind you– it just makes me a teeny bit less likely to take my son to see it. It’s not going to affect whether I do.

(Note: I don’t know whether Finn is in costume for these bits or if he’s actually a Stormtrooper. I kinda like the idea of a main character being a former Stormtrooper.)

On the good side, and this isn’t in the trailer, there’s this:

This is the hilt of Kylo Ren’s cross-guarded lightsaber, which caused so much kvetching when the first trailer came out. I was not happy with the new look for the lightsaber blade (not the crossguards, the blade itself) and said that I’d drop my objection if there seemed to be a story-based reason why the blade looked different.

That saber hilt looks like it was put together by an amateur. And I note that Kylo Ren’s name does not include the word Darth. Therefore: objection dropped.

Everything else about the trailer? Gold. I’m not super keen on the idea of the Empire and the Rebellion being renamed the First Order and the Resistance, but I’ll roll with that for the time being and it’s not in the trailer anyway. But yeah, I’m a lot more psyched about this film now than I was for the first teaser.

On the other hand…

Nope.

Noooooope.

One of these days they’ll make a new Superman movie. Hell, one of these days they’ll make a Batman movie; they haven’t made one of those in like two decades or something. Make all the movies you want about Angsty Alien No Moral Core Raised by Assholes Dude and Snarling Ninja Bat-Costume Dude, but stop calling those two “Superman” and “Batman.” Wild fucking dogs couldn’t drag me to see this shit.

(“But, Luther, you were down on the new Star Wars before the second trailer came out, and you seem to have changed your mind! What makes these different?”)

The entirety of the Nolan Batman films and the horrid piece of shit that was Man of Steel. Ain’t nothing gonna change in this one.

(“How dare you judge an entire movie on a two-minute trailer!”)

Can we change the subject for a sec and talk about how fucking stupid this is as a line of argument? Trailers literally only exist to make people want to see things. They exist to make people judge movies. They’re put together by the same people who put the movies together. It’s bullshit to say that you can watch a trailer and go “I want to see that!” but it’s somehow illegitimate to see a trailer and (backed up by the last four entire movies by these idiots) claim that you think it looks like a piece of shit. And this movie looks like a piece of shit, and is a sequel to a movie that was a piece of shit, and there is no indication that anything has changed.

(“But what about Aquaman? And Wonder Woman?”)

Okay, Aquaman looks awfully cool and fuckit I’ll be honest by awfully cool I mean amazingly hot:

That said? This whole design is more of the what am colors? nonsense that both of these franchises are draped in, and frankly the inclusion of the characters just makes me think the movie is gonna be unwieldy and overstuffed in addition to depressing and stupid. Be honest: would you really know this was supposed to be Wonder Woman if no one told you in advance?:

Totally something I wanna spend ten bucks on.

(EDIT: Just saw this. How infinitely better is this? Way infinitely better.)

Two awesomes and a not-awesome

On March 4, 2015 By Luther M. SilerIn Uncategorized6 Comments

FIRST! This is out now:

Which is awesome.

SECOND! Skylights picked up another five-star review on Amazon. Which is also awesome. It’s still four of the dollars and ninety-five of the pennies over there, so you really oughtta check it out. Also it’s available in print! I sold a print copy today! Which is also also awesome.

THIRD! I still have no real idea at all what the hell I’m doing with my life after June of this year.

Which is somewhat less awesome.

In which I’m back on this again

On December 2, 2014 By Luther M. SilerIn Geek, movies23 Comments

Let’s talk about the Star Wars trailer again a little bit. No, I’m serious. Yes, I’m actually doing this. I know I already posted about it. I don’t care.

Let’s deal with the easy stuff first:

IN WHICH I CHANGE MY MIND: Fuck it, I’m on board with the lightbroadsword. Yes, the crossguards are ridiculous. HOWEVER, lightsabers themselves are ridiculous. No one can fight with a blade that cuts in every direction without killing themselves quickly. Here’s why the crossguards work: because the Force, shut up. They bugged me at first and now they don’t.

Also bothering me at first: the new F/X on the blade itself, which is receiving much less attention than I would expect it to. Everybody’s been so focused on the crossguards (ONE WORD, DAMMIT, WORDPRESS) that they’re ignoring the fact that lightsabers generally neither look nor sound like this lightsaber looks and sounds. (Seriously, listen to it ignite. That’s not how they sound!) It’s like it’s made of fire more than it’s made out of light.

It has been suggested by someone that this weapon was created by someone who didn’t quite know what they were doing, or that there is a genuine story-based reason why the saber looks different. If that is the case, I’ll drop all objections. If I see Luke holding a lightsaber and it looks like this, it’s because JJ is changing shit just to change shit and that will seriously get on my nerves. I’ve seen interviews with Lucas where he discusses the F/X team’s debates about the look of the lightsabers in the prequels, and they deliberately decided to mimic the look from Return of the Jedi as closely as they could. This is the correct decision.

Lotsa gripes about this guy being cutesy. Shut up. If you’re griping about this guy being cutesy you are either deliberately ignoring cutesy in the previous films or you don’t actually like Star Wars very much. You’re allowed to not like Star Wars! You’re just not allowed to get mad when new Star Wars films are like the old Star Wars films.

(One of the things that really get on my nerves about the prequels: Star Wars has never, ever, ever had good dialogue. No, not even Empire. Never. The prequels are just as bad as the originals in this respect, and if you gripe about the sand on Naboo I’m gonna make you watch Luke griping about Tosche station until your eyes bleed.)

This is not to say that I’m not nervous. I still am. Here’s why:

Oh, shut up, it’s not because he’s black, you fucking cretin. (Seriously, this is the stupidest thing to complain about ever, except maybe for the scum who got mad that Rue was black in Hunger Games because they couldn’t goddamn read. Jango Fett is brown, every trooper in the prequel films looks exactly like him, and none of the troopers in the original movies ever take their helmets off. Also, Boba Fett is brown too, you assholes.)

No. The problem is he’s terrified. And this scene is followed soon after by this one:

Complete with shakycam.

You never see fear like that on anyone in any of the first six movies. Most of the time when the characters are scared it’s played for laughs– the trash compactor scene, for example. Han Solo is practically barbecued in ROTJ and it’s played as a joke. This guy thinks he’s going to die, and thinks he’s going to die soon, and that’s a problem. This shot and the shakycam and blue lighting on the stormtrooper scene gives the whole thing a militaristic, gritty feel that is entirely absent from the original films.

Now, if I’m just worried about me seeing the movie, no big deal. But I want to take my four-year-old to see it. In fact, I’m rather more invested than I should be in this being my kid’s first movie. And if they couldn’t put together a ninety second trailer without giving me a couple of pieces of evidence that this film is going to be a lot scarier than the previous six, I probably have a problem.

(And if the rumors that I’m hearing about the end of the film are true, I’m not seeing it at all— but we’ll worry about that later.)*

* Some of you may be going “Yeah, whatever, nerd, yes you will.” No, really, I won’t. Go ahead: ask me about the third Matrix film, or the latter seven or eight Hobbit movies, or the two sequels they made to Sword Wielding Bat Costume Punchy Man. I know nothing, because I’m actually pretty good at not seeing movies that are wrong. And if this ends like I’m hearing? No money for you.

Well, here you go, I guess…

On November 28, 2014 By Luther M. SilerIn movies13 Comments

I’m trying my hardest to not be one of Those Guys, because I hated Those Guys during the prequel era and it’s their fault that I’m not really much of a Star Wars fan anymore, but this is all wrong. Well, half of it is. The very first shot throws the tone all off, the shakycam sucks, and just like every other nerd on the internet I cannot believe that stupid fire-lightsaber made it past the review board.

(Everybody’s bitching about the crossguards. Can we talk about the fact that they’ve apparently changed the look of the lightsabers altogether? And that that’s not okay?)

I really wanted this post to be all rapturous and shit. I’ve been trying to look forward to this. This isn’t Star Wars; it’s just a movie. Oh well.

AVENGERS 2: AGE OF ULTRON trailer

On October 22, 2014October 22, 2014 By Luther M. SilerIn Geek3 Comments

Which “leaked” earlier today (yeah, right) but somehow hasn’t been shut down yet. Sure! That happens!

Also, is it April yet?

EDIT: Well, crap. Apparently non-YouTube embed code just doesn’t work at all. Here, click on this link like some sort of caveman.

WHY IS IT NOT AUGUST YET????

On June 17, 2014June 17, 2014 By Luther M. SilerIn Geek2 Comments

And GROOT GETS DIALOGUE:

(I’m not getting anything done today, am I?)

IS IT AUGUST YET

On May 19, 2014 By Luther M. SilerIn Geek5 Comments

No, really. Is it August? Because it needs to be August.

Is it August yet?

On February 19, 2014 By Luther M. SilerIn Geek7 Comments

I’m going out to dinner to celebrate yesterday’s wonderfulness, so there won’t be a post until late. Until then, tide yourself over with today’s wonderfulness, which is better than my wonderfulness in any event.