I am not a good parent, people, and the degree to which I constantly troll my own son is probably going to bite me in the ass sooner or later.

The boy is in this phase– I don’t know if it’s typical of toddlers, but let’s hope it is because that means eventually it’ll stop— where he really wants to constantly be asserting control over the world around him.  This manifests itself in bossiness and occasionally being really picky about how things should be.  Since I am a bad person, I cannot stop myself from ceaselessly screwing with him whenever he’s being like this.

An example:  my son likes to play this game he calls “in the sky.”  It’s basically Catch except he’s two so he can’t really catch yet.  In the Sky involves getting Mommy and Daddy to stand up, placing them where he wants them to be in the room, and then assigning a ball to each of them.

Woe betide you if you use the wrong ball.

When the phrase “in the sky!” is uttered, all of the balls are thrown into the sky.  Then they land, and he retrieves them, and returns them to the proper parent, and then we play again.

I cannot stop from being an asshole whenever this game is played.  I’ve tried.  I can’t do it.

I’m always supposed to use the red ball.  He gets really mad if I use the wrong ball, so I’m always insisting on trading with my wife.  It makes him nuts.

You’re supposed to throw the ball straight up in the air.  Sometimes– perhaps, mathematically, a bit too often, my ball somehow manages to bounce off of his head.  I don’t know why!  The ball must be broken!

This game must be played standing up.  I don’t understand how standing up works and must have it carefully explained to me.  Every time.

I must stand where he wants me to stand.  I don’t.  I wander around.

He has to collect the balls and pass them back.  Sometimes I get them instead.  He gets so mad and it’s hilarious.

Sometimes I bounce the ball; you’re not supposed to do that.  Sometimes I don’t even throw the ball when he says “in the sky,” and do it too early or too late.  This is sin of the highest magnitude.

This is not the only way I’m like this, folks.  I’ll watch him spend ten minutes carefully lining up all of his cars exactly the way he wants them and then nudge one of them out of line.  Sometimes we’re playing with his car ramp and I send a car down the ramp backwards.  On purpose.

I don’t know why I’m like this, but I can’t stop.  Is anyone reading this a therapist?  Because either I need one now or he’s gonna need one in the future.