THE FARTENING, PART III: Holy Hell, that didn’t last long.

I am forced to announce, with no small amount of shame, that the experiment known as The Fartening has ended.  Because holy shit, this looks like nothing more than it looks like caked-on vomit on the side of the toilet bowl, the kind you didn’t clean off because you were sick as fuck and the best you could do was drag yourself to bed.
IMG_1528I was not expecting to make Soylent a lifestyle choice.  I was expecting to have the intestinal fortitude necessary to make it through at least half of the packages before giving up the ghost.  But no.  Sadly, I cannot do this.  That right there is exactly how far I got into my final cup of horror mud, and I done drunks all I can drinks and I can’t drinks no more.  I simply cannot get past the goddamn texture of the stuff, and I refuse to continue torturing myself with it in hopes that it ends up magically catching on somehow.  So I give up.

If anyone is interested, I’ll ship you my remaining six packages and six bottles of oil for $40, which is way less than they’ll charge you.  Just drop me a line in comments.

THE FARTENING, Part II(a): Consuming #Soylent

I’ll admit it: I am a little disappointed that this story is going to turn out as mundanely as it’s going to.  Then again, I’m sure everyone I work with is perfectly happy that nothing insane happened with my digestion today.

This is what roughly one-third of a day’s ration of Soylent looks like:

IMG_2177I mixed this up last night and left it in the refrigerator overnight without tasting it.  This morning I poured what looked to me to be about a third of the container (I’m now slightly doubting that measurement, and will have to experiment) and downed it for my breakfast this morning.  I put maybe a teaspoon of vanilla extract in it just for some flavor.

First, Soylent is not nearly as thick as I thought it was going to be, which is entirely my discretion– I followed the directions that I was provided with; I plan to use a bit less water next time so as to impart more of a shake-like consistency.  The texture is… well, it’s gross as hell is what it is.  I’d liken it to drinking river silt.  It’s more like a suspension than a solution; the Soylent doesn’t dissolve so much as float in the water, and the oil had separated to the top of the container, requiring a lot more shaking.  However, from what I’ve seen on the boards, everyone is horrified by the texture at first but most people get used to it fairly quickly, so I’m not going to let this stop me just yet.  But yeah: Soylent, even with a bit of vanilla in it, tastes pretty damn bad.  Future iterations may include a banana; we’ll see.

I wanted to report back on gastrointestinal issues; there were none.  Slight TMI here: I did have a bowel movement in the morning (this is typical) and it was entirely normal.  I can report no gas.  I was a little belchy after lunch, but at the moment I’m attributing that to pop and not to the Soylent.  Now the good news: part of the reason I’ve purchased this stuff is that meals at work are very difficult, and furthermore I’ve been finding myself crashing in the morning in a way I really don’t like– and since my gall bladder surgery several years ago I can go from not hungry at all to nearly fainting from hunger in a matter of just a few minutes.  I have to have something that evens my mornings out, and I’m hoping Soylent can do that for me.

I not only made it to lunch with no issues but lunch was late– I didn’t make it out of a meeting until almost 12:30, which would kill me most days.  No problem today.

Tomorrow, I plan to take what’s left to work with me in a thermos, keep it in the fridge, and sip from it all morning, with the idea being that it’s breakfast and lunch, just spread out.  If I get home from work without wanting to eat the entire kitchen (another problem: even if I eat a largish lunch, I get home hungry, and just eat anything I can find) I’m gonna call this stuff a win.  At the moment I don’t plan to replace dinner with it; we may try a day with that this weekend to see what happens, but not quite yet.

So: not funny yet, unfortunately, but not a waste of my money either.  Winning?

OH WAIT SHIT I ALMOST FORGOT edit:  As I said, I tend to get home from work hungry.  My thought today: I’d had a regular dinner glass full of the stuff for breakfast, and I thought I’d try drinking roughly a whiskey glass full as a post-work snack.  So I poured some into a glass and got the vanilla and added some.  A couple things:

  • Essence of peppermint is contained in a bottle that is exactly the same as vanilla extract;
  • Peppermint essence is an incredibly thin liquid that pours very quickly;
  • Soylent with way too much peppermint essence in it is completely fucking undrinkable.

So so much for that experiment.  I decided to reserve the rest for tomorrow.

THE FARTENING, part II: I actually make some Soylent.

It smelled like cocoa until I mixed it with water. Then it… didn’t… anymore. By the time you read this I will have tasted it; they are VERY CLEAR that it is to be drunk cold.




THE FARTENING: In which I destroy my body for SCIENCE!: Prologue

It is 2015 and the future.  Time to ruin my body with experimental food!

Have you heard of Soylent?  I ordered a week’s supply in July, partially because I was genuinely curious about it and partially because I am a glutton for punishment and thought it might make for a hilarious series of posts for the blog.

Let me say that again: July.  My Soylent arrived yesterday.  They are backlogged like a sumbitch in supplying new orders, although the website claims that reorders will ship within a week or two.  At the moment, I don’t actually plan to re-up, but we’ll see what happens.  Today you get the unboxing and some theories on when I’m going to actually eat this.  I’m thinking about starting next Friday, because I’ll be out of town all weekend and… well, there’s a reason I’m calling the series THE FARTENING– users have reported some minor issues with adjusting to a Soylent diet.  The first taste may have to wait a little bit.  We’ll see.

Your Soylent arrives as two boxes inside of a bigger box.  Exciting!  There is no packaging foam or other nonsense inside; luckily, nothing is especially breakable.IMG_2150

The two boxes inside the box.  One contains the actual Soylent products, the other is my customized pitcher that came FREE! with my eighty-five dolla worth of powder and oil.

Everything inside both of the containers.  The boy was super excited by this entire process and wanted to touch everything; I’m amazed that I kept him out of all of the pictures.  A day’s worth of Soylent fits in the pitcher; that’s all I’m supposed to eat for the entire day.  In three separate meals.  This is going to be interesting.

At any rate: one pitcher, one scoop, seven bottles of oil, seven packages of Soylent, one information card, one instruction booklet.IMG_2152

The Official Soylent Scoop is actually pretty well-made (so is the pitcher, for that matter) and supposedly gives the proper dimensions for a single serving of the stuff.  I might indulge in one serving tomorrow just out of curiosity; we’ll see.  I also need to check and see if this is any sort of standard measurement because it really is a nicely-made measuring cup.IMG_2154

A close-up of one package of Soylent.  One package is three meals; supposedly a day’s worth of food.  One of the decisions I need to make is whether I’m going to try and go whole-hog on this stuff or just eat it during the day at work and then have a regular dinner; the first makes more sense as SCIENCE! and is definitely going to be better for the blog (you guys are never happier than when I’m miserable) but the second would fit into my life better.  We’ll see; I’ve got time to think about it.IMG_2155

A closeup of the oil bottle.  Soylent is 100% vegan, by the way.IMG_2156

Man, it really is the future.  Food comes with instructions now!  This thing’s like fourteen pages long!
IMG_2153Can I point out that the “L” in the “Release notes” font is terrible and drives me crazy?  I can?  Good.

More later, as I decide exactly how this is going to work.