In which people search

I was all ready to give up on the idea of a blog post today, and then I happened to glance at my search results, and found this gem:

What, uh, post do you think THAT little search gem led to?

Well, this one, as it turns out, on page 3 of the results, which is yet another point in favor of my theory that people don’t have any idea how the hell to use Internet searches effectively– they just type in words and then click on page after page of results no matter what those results lead to.

Just, hell, when your necrophile murderer porn fantasies lead you here, make sure to buy a book before you go.

On whiplash

I spent all week trying to prevent fourteen-year-old boys from looking at tits.  If you have ever known any fourteen-year-old boys, you may be aware that they rather enjoy looking at tits, and that in fact they tend to prioritize looking at tits over many other human activities, including, for example, math class.

I also had a meeting this week in which one of my students was described by someone who was not kidding as “clinically addicted” to pornography.

Then I had bibimbap for dinner.

Mmm, bibimbap.

And I ate it all.

mmmm, bibimbap

I get the weirdest search queries…

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On search engines

49871196Gene’O, partially in response to my post last week about blogwanking and numbers, put up a post today over at Sourcerer about trying to drive search engine hits to their blogs.  It put me in mind of a post that I keep meaning to write and not getting around to.

This post will be filled with profanity, but not for the reason you think.  Just FYI.

Back in February I took a picture of twenty inches of snow in my front yard.  I titled the picture “Man, fuck this.”  And a hilarious search engine blip was born.  It turns out that people who are looking for gay porn (I think?) on the Internet and are, perhaps, not terribly great at constructing Google searches sometimes construct their searches by simply typing “man fuck” into Google and then clicking on everything they see.

If you look at my all-time results for hits from search engines, guys, “manfuck”– all one word– is my number one search result.  “man fuck”– two words– is number two.  Also on the list:  “manfuck.” (one word, with a period), “men fucking nen,” which I hope is a typo but is not my typo, “men to man fuck,” “man fuck other,” “manfuck man,” who is totally the worst superhero of all time, “man to man fuck,” “man to manfuck,” “man fuck man 2014,” because timeliness in your porn is important, and “manfukk.”  Also on the list, but related to different posts: “fucking at burger king,” “fuck at burgerking,” “fucker/post hole digger” (what?) “angry fukning” and “pictfamily fucked,” which I don’t think has anything to do with the historical Picts at all.

Most of the rest of my search results, and this isn’t a joke, are either about Super Why or my reblog of the “worst end of school year mom ever” post.  I repeat: this is not a joke.

And I can only guess what this post is going to do to all of those search queries.  I’m totally gonna corner the market on SEO-optimized blogs for non-internet-savvy porn searchers over here.  🙂

Three times is a pattern

You might recall my post “In which my wife destroyed my childhood– and you can too!,” wherein I discovered that the Sesame Street characters on a blanket that my grandmother had made for me and which I had owned since I was a toddler were all reading books that referenced sex or erotica.  Yes, that happened.  Go ahead, click the link.

I would just like to point out that my son and I were watching a newish Sesame Street episode this morning, and I damn near did a spit-take of my coffee during the opening bit, which featured Bert reading a book called… Fifty Shades of Oatmeal.

This shit is not an accident.  🙂