Tag: marriage

On important dates and important dates

On By Luther M. SilerIn life2 Comments

First, the pointless griping: Film director Bong Joon-ho apparently won a pile of Oscars last night. I have not seen Parasite, which as far as I know features no American superheroes, although my wife has expressed an interest in streaming it once such a thing is available, but I have no reason to disagree with the award given that I saw virtually none of the nominated films, and in fact I’m saying “virtually none” here because I have no idea what was actually nominated for anything and it’s therefore possible that I’ve seen some of them.

Man, I remember when the Oscars were a big deal, personally, and I was seeing 40-50 movies a year. I really miss that, believe it or not; I just don’t have that kind of time any longer, and living in South Bend instead of Chicago means I’m much more limited in what I can see.

Anyway, point is the Goddamned Snowpiercer post is surging again; it’s gotten about as many hits today all by itself as the entire site typically gets in two days, and as it’s only 6 PM I suspect that ratio will be increasing fairly radically by the time I go to bed tonight, and the bump will probably last at least another few days. That post will never, ever die.

So:

  • My wife’s birthday is Thursday;
  • Friday is Valentine’s Day;
  • The 29th is our 12th/3rd anniversary; we were married in 2008 so it has been twelve years, and we were married on Leap Day so this will be the third actual real anniversary we should have.

We typically make a fairly big deal out of Real Anniversaries, although the last big celebration was for our 10th anniversary when we went to see Hamilton in Chicago. We are … somewhat bereft of ideas for any of these things this year; I asked my wife if she wanted to do anything either for her birthday or for Valentine’s Day an hour or so ago and I could see part of her soul die when I asked the question. Before you jump on my case, be aware that neither of us are either especially romantic people or big celebrators of arbitrary dates; we don’t make a big deal out of my birthday either, and Valentine’s Day has always been treated as more of an annoyance instead of an actual thing. So chances are this weekend is not going to be all that big of a deal.

But I wanna do something for our anniversary, dammit, and my first choice– going to Chicago and having dinner at Alinea— got shot down on account of being insanely, grotesquely expensive.

This is where you come in, Internet. What shall we do for our 12th/3rd anniversary? Give us good ideas; we’re broken and don’t have any.

Eleven years

On By Luther M. SilerIn life6 Comments

For ELEVEN YEARS this woman has been putting up with me. And I love her very much for it. My God, have I gone downhill since 2008.

Eleven years and a day, actually. We were married on Feb. 29, 2008, which is the last day of February in 2008, meaning that our anniversary is properly celebrated on the last day of February and not on the first day of March. We didn’t get married in March, so our anniversary can’t be in March. It would be nonsense to suggest otherwise.

Like I said. Putting up with me for eleven years. 🙂

10 years

On By Luther M. SilerIn life, Photography3 Comments

February 29, 2008:

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I love you, baby.

(Also, because I can’t resist: my favorite picture from our wedding.  It’s my favorite because it perfectly illustrates how our family dynamics work.  My brother is the best man and that’s my mom on the right.  My wife is pretending she doesn’t see any of us.)

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Free advice

On By Luther M. SilerIn idiocy6 Comments

If, like me, you don’t drink at all, and if, like me, despite not drinking at all you find yourself in a position where you’ve had a long fucking day and fuck it you want a glass of wine anyway, and the only wine in the house turns out to be mango wine, and your wife says to you “shake it up before you open it, so the mango doesn’t settle”…

don’t fucking listen to your wife.

That is all.

On a much happier note…

On By Luther M. SilerIn Photography9 Comments

…I just saw this picture from my brother’s wedding last weekend and I’m quite fond of it:DSC_0383.jpg

The wedding speech

On By Luther M. SilerIn Stories, Writing2 Comments

13331134_10156934534890048_7403586522810695843_n.jpgI still have one guest post left, an original story by James Wylder that technical issues prevented me from running Saturday and then laziness/post-wedding cold issues prevented me from running today.  It will run sometime this week.  

This is the speech– lightly edited to change names– that I gave during the wedding ceremony.  The most amazing thing about this wedding?  It POURED all day long.  I got as angry with a bride as I’ve ever been when I found out she’d declared that we were going to “risk it” and we were going to be outside for the ceremony.  My entire script and my entire speech were written in ink on paper.  It was going to be a disaster, and I already had a cold coming on. 

The ceremony was at 5:30.  At 5:00 the skies cleared to a perfect blue, and not a drop of rain fell for the entire evening.  I ad-libbed the word “miraculous” into the first couple of sentences of the ceremony, and got a wave of applause from the crowd.  I cannot believe the weather worked out the way it did.

And I will never doubt my sister-in-law’s word again.  🙂

When my brother first asked me to be the officiant for his wedding, I agreed to do it immediately, but on one condition: I got five minutes, during the ceremony, where I could say whatever I wanted—and neither he nor <his wife> got to see the speech beforehand.

They have absolutely no idea what I’m about to say.

Manic laughter.

This is an odd position for me to be in as a writer.  Authors strive to write words that are remembered.  I remember one sentence from the speech at my own wedding, and I’m pretty sure that the only way any of you are going to remember a word I say is if I screw something up.  I’ve had nightmares—literal, actual, sweaty nightmares—about standing up here and getting Sarah’s name wrong.

(Note: the bride’s name is not Sarah.)

I slaved over this speech, though.  These words that I’m saying to you now represent the fourth draft.  The first contained fifteen swear words, one of which was in Russian.  The third was virtually nothing but references to movies and hiphop music.  The second was an attempt to take my responsibilities as officiant Very Seriously—and I actually have those words capitalized in print—and is probably best not spoken of.

I don’t do earnest and serious all that well.  I do pop culture references quite well, but those of you who don’t have The Princess Bride memorized probably won’t appreciate a speech strewn with references to blessed arrangements and rodents of unusual size.  And while “prepare to die” has probably been used in reference to marriage at some point, you won’t be hearing it from me.

I’m going to come back to the movie in a moment, though.  Be ready for it.

My wife and I just celebrated our eighth anniversary a few months ago.  Compared to our families, we’re amateurs.  Our parents—my brother’s and mine— have been married for 43 years.  My wife’s parents got married in 1971.  And the <bride’s family> are not slouches at this either; Sue <bride’s mom’s maiden name> became Sue <bride’s last name> in 1979.  So while there are a lot of people who have had more experience at being married than I have, we’ve been lucky to have a lot of good examples around us to look up to.

So if I have some wisdom to pass along, it’s this: To the outside world, the two of you are now one person.  You will have disagreements in private.  If you don’t, it’s probably a sign that your marriage isn’t as healthy as it could be.  But outside your home, it needs to be the two of you united against the world.  Your first responsibility to your spouse is to support him or her against any and all external challenges.  To be a rock even if you feel more like gravel.  Even—perhaps most importantly—when you disagree in private.  This will become even more important in the future when your children enter the picture.  Remember: you chose your spouse on purpose.  You got to pick each other.  The kids were something that happened to you.  Back each other up: at all times, against all comers.  Forever.

In public, you are one.  In public, it is you against the world.  In public, make it the truth: that when all is lost, there will be you.

But back to the movie.

The Princess Bride actually does contain some great advice for marriage in it, despite the fact that the famous wedding scene contains only one willing participant.  It’s a phrase repeated endlessly at the beginning of the movie and also the final line.

(To bride and groom)  You know what I’m talking about?

The bride did.  I don’t know for sure that my brother heard the question.

“As you wish.”

At home, learn the phrase “as you wish.”  And use it.  Frequently.  There will be hard days.  There will be days where both of you get home sick and tired from work, and you will realize that you need to lay your own burdens aside, because your partner’s needs are greater.  You may both be too tired to cook.  Dig deep, and be the one that goes and gets Chinese food.

Did that sound like a ridiculous example?  Half of my disputes with my wife are about which one of us is going to go get dinner.   Learn “as you wish.”  Figure out a way to divide chores so that each of you is doing the work that you were most likely to do on your own anyway.  But when the other needs you to do theirs?  Again, remember those three simple words:  “as you wish.”

The floor will need to be vacuumed.  The bills will need to be paid.  The lawn will need to be mowed.  When the kids come, the diapers will need to be changed and one of you will inevitably have to decide that that day you will be the bad cop.

You will both have days where you need comforting.  You will both have days where you are sick or hurt and need help.  You will both have days where you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will murder someone and go to jail with a smile on your face if you have to leave the house again.  And you will both have days where the thing you need most is a firm slap on the side of your head and a reminder of all the things you have in your life that are going right.

Learn those words.  “As you wish.”  And remember what you are really saying when you use them.  “I love you.”

I could not be happier to be standing here right meow.  I love you both.  But this is where it gets official.  Are we ready?

And we moved to the “I do” part.  About half a dozen people in the crowd caught the meow.

#WeekendCoffeeShare: WTFNovember Edition

On By Luther M. SilerIn Geek, Stories5 Comments

coffee2

If we were having coffee, I’d ask you how the election went.  Well, actually, I’d just look outside and see if the sky was raining fire, and check to see if I was wearing clothing or sackcloth, and that would answer the question for me.  Because apparently when I went to bed last night I slept for seven months.  It was gorgeous outside yesterday, or at least it was until the cold front blew through.  Now it’s 40 goddamn degrees outside.  I bought shorts this week and it’s 40 degrees outside.

Gotta love Indiana.

We– yes, we— have a bridal shower to attend in Illinois tomorrow, so we’re going to be out of touch all day.  I may post some fiction; I have a story in mind that I wrote in a single burst a couple of months ago and put aside thinking “try to sell this to someone.”   I never did, so I may as well give it to you guys.  Hopefully it’s warmer in Illinois; we’ll see.

Let’s see.  Anything else?  It’s been a pretty quiet week, actually, other than the job interview on Monday.  I’d kvetch about that some more but I already did it and I’m leery of jinxing myself at this point.  I should know in a few days.  We’ll worry about it after that.

Have you seen Captain America: Civil War yet?  If not, what the hell are you waiting for?  No more coffee for you until you’ve seen that movie.  It’s awesome.

Hmm.  Yeah.  That’s what I’ve got.  Let’s listen to Prince again for a while.  Let’s Go Crazy has been running through my head for a couple of days; there are worse ways to spend a cold Saturday morning than listening to good music.

In which I approve of motherhood

On By Luther M. SilerIn Writing1 Comment

Big thumbs up to all the moms out there.  Please continue to, as they say, do you.  Or not, if you’d prefer otherwise.

xfy9qj9cheppk0yhxf8t.gifMy brother and his fiancee are in town for the holiday, and we got together yesterday to go over details for the ceremony, which I’m officiating– totally a bucket list item checked off there.  I am currently on my fourth draft of the benediction, and by “fourth draft” I mean I have written three entirely different speeches and rejected all of them, including one that was nearly entirely references to movies and TV shows and songs that I mostly wrote to get it out of my system.  My own proclivities as a writer are sort of working against me here; I do sincerity best when seasoned with anger and outrage, and… well, that’s not entirely appropriate to standing in front of a roomful of a couple hundred friends and family and the occasional random stranger and marrying my brother off.  I need to do genuine sincerity here, and sincerity about life and love and a whole lot of other things that my Midwestern sensibilities make me occasionally reticent about speaking of in front of other people, and I need to do it without using the word “bullshit” or saying “labia” even once because that will scandalize people and apparently the officiant at a wedding isn’t supposed to do that.

There were meow jokes in one of the drafts.  This is the level I’ve descended to.  You can see there is still some work to be done.

Maybe one meow.

On the other hand, I managed to work a Princess Bride reference into the ceremony itself, so I probably ought not to press my luck any further.

Now turn the computer off and go hug your mom.  Or the nearest available mom surrogate.