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I do this a lot in movie reviews, which is kind of unfortunate, but it’s still frequently the case: just take my word for it, and go see this movie, and don’t ask any questions and especially don’t read anything about it beforehand. It’s creepy, well-directed, brilliantly acted (John Goodman deserves Oscar consideration) exciting and well-written; everything a good movie needs to be.

But I haven’t seen Cloverfield!

That’s okay. Although you should see Cloverfield. This isn’t a sequel; JJ Abrams called it a “spiritual sister,” or something like that, and while if you’re obsessive about details there are ways to link the two movies together it’s entirely unnecessary to have seen Cloverfield to enjoy 10 Cloverfield Lane.

You should still see both, though.

But I didn’t like Cloverfield!

Ah, shuddup.

There is no shakycam in this movie. And it’s not found footage. Does that help? Good.

Anyway: it will be interesting to eventually see this for a second time, because it really does help if you go in knowing as little as possible, and I’m not a hundred percent sure how well it’s going to hold up once I know everything that happens. Watching Goodman and the other actors is still gonna be pretty great, but losing the What’s Going On mystery will be unfortunate.

So, yeah. Two thumbs up. Go see it, just don’t read anything else about it first.

Let’s talk about the Star Wars trailer again a little bit. No, I’m serious. Yes, I’m actually doing this. I know I already posted about it. I don’t care.

Let’s deal with the easy stuff first:

IN WHICH I CHANGE MY MIND: Fuck it, I’m on board with the lightbroadsword. Yes, the crossguards are ridiculous. HOWEVER, lightsabers themselves are ridiculous. No one can fight with a blade that cuts in every direction without killing themselves quickly. Here’s why the crossguards work: because the Force, shut up. They bugged me at first and now they don’t.

Also bothering me at first: the new F/X on the blade itself, which is receiving much less attention than I would expect it to. Everybody’s been so focused on the crossguards (ONE WORD, DAMMIT, WORDPRESS) that they’re ignoring the fact that lightsabers generally neither look nor sound like this lightsaber looks and sounds. (Seriously, listen to it ignite. That’s not how they sound!) It’s like it’s made of fire more than it’s made out of light.

It has been suggested by someone that this weapon was created by someone who didn’t quite know what they were doing, or that there is a genuine story-based reason why the saber looks different. If that is the case, I’ll drop all objections. If I see Luke holding a lightsaber and it looks like this, it’s because JJ is changing shit just to change shit and that will seriously get on my nerves. I’ve seen interviews with Lucas where he discusses the F/X team’s debates about the look of the lightsabers in the prequels, and they deliberately decided to mimic the look from Return of the Jedi as closely as they could. This is the correct decision.

Lotsa gripes about this guy being cutesy. Shut up. If you’re griping about this guy being cutesy you are either deliberately ignoring cutesy in the previous films or you don’t actually like Star Wars very much. You’re allowed to not like Star Wars! You’re just not allowed to get mad when new Star Wars films are like the old Star Wars films.

(One of the things that really get on my nerves about the prequels: Star Wars has never, ever, ever had good dialogue. No, not even Empire. Never. The prequels are just as bad as the originals in this respect, and if you gripe about the sand on Naboo I’m gonna make you watch Luke griping about Tosche station until your eyes bleed.)

This is not to say that I’m not nervous. I still am. Here’s why:

Oh, shut up, it’s not because he’s black, you fucking cretin. (Seriously, this is the stupidest thing to complain about ever, except maybe for the scum who got mad that Rue was black in Hunger Games because they couldn’t goddamn read. Jango Fett is brown, every trooper in the prequel films looks exactly like him, and none of the troopers in the original movies ever take their helmets off. Also, Boba Fett is brown too, you assholes.)

No. The problem is he’s terrified. And this scene is followed soon after by this one:

Complete with shakycam.

You never see fear like that on anyone in any of the first six movies. Most of the time when the characters are scared it’s played for laughs– the trash compactor scene, for example. Han Solo is practically barbecued in ROTJ and it’s played as a joke. This guy thinks he’s going to die, and thinks he’s going to die soon, and that’s a problem. This shot and the shakycam and blue lighting on the stormtrooper scene gives the whole thing a militaristic, gritty feel that is entirely absent from the original films.

Now, if I’m just worried about me seeing the movie, no big deal. But I want to take my four-year-old to see it. In fact, I’m rather more invested than I should be in this being my kid’s first movie. And if they couldn’t put together a ninety second trailer without giving me a couple of pieces of evidence that this film is going to be a lot scarier than the previous six, I probably have a problem.

(And if the rumors that I’m hearing about the end of the film are true, I’m not seeing it at all— but we’ll worry about that later.)*

* Some of you may be going “Yeah, whatever, nerd, yes you will.” No, really, I won’t. Go ahead: ask me about the third Matrix film, or the latter seven or eight Hobbit movies, or the two sequels they made to Sword Wielding Bat Costume Punchy Man. I know nothing, because I’m actually pretty good at not seeing movies that are wrong. And if this ends like I’m hearing? No money for you.