In which let’s talk about soccer again

missed-opportunities1So I’ve figured out exactly why soccer isn’t going to ever really catch on in the States.  It’s not the low scoring, although that’s part of it.  It’s the inaccuracy.  I just watched Cristiano Ronaldo, a soccer player so amazingly well-known and famous that I have heard of him, take a free kick on goal that missed the goal completely.  It is at least the fourth shot on goal in this game that was not touched by any defensive player and literally did not even come close to actually touching the goal.  I’m not talking about shots that were deflected by defensive players or the goalie.  I’m talking about a guy with an open shot ten or fifteen yards from the goal who proceeds to miss the goal completely, and about the fact that this phenomenon happens all the time in supposedly “professional” soccer.

And it’s not limited to shots on goal either.  Passes, corner kicks– why the hell is a corner kick even a thing?– regularly appear to go absolutely nowhere near where they are supposed to go.  It lends the entire sport this weird atmosphere of amateurism and randomness that I don’t think us ‘Merkins really like to see in our pro sports.

I can hear the soccer fans.  “Well, it’s difficult to <x>!”  Well, I’m sure it is.  That’s the problem.  There appears to be no difference between athletic brilliance and pure geometric accident.  Our goalie just pulled off what, on first glance, looked like an awesome save– but was it, really?  There were two shots in rapid succession.  One caromed off the goalpost– because, again, the offensive player missed— and bounced right back toward a bunch of other Portuguese players.  One of them kicked it again, and our goalie, who let a goal in earlier by just falling down instead of doing some sort of, y’know, cool goalie thing, and who was already flailing around and stumbling because of the previous shot, just threw his hands up and just managed to deflect the ball over the top of the goal.

Was that an awesome save?  Incredible athletic skill from one of the premiere soccer players on Earth?  Or just dumb luck?  Dunno; near as I can tell they look exactly the same.

(It’s halftime.  Some doof sportscaster dude just said if you “take out the goals,” it would have looked like the US lost the last game and was winning this one.  Can you imagine someone saying that about basketball or football?  It means that scoring is basically random in soccer.  That’s bad!)

I have a suggestion.

Eliminate the position of goalie entirely.

Think about it.  Most of the missed shots in this game have been just that– missed shots.  Each goalie has maybe a couple of saves, and I’m willing to bet that at least a couple of those misses wouldn’t have hit the goal anyway.  It’s apparently really goddamn difficult to hit the goal.  Why have somebody in the game whose job it is to make scoring even more rare?  Get rid of ’em.  Add another midfielder instead or something.  It’ll make the game more exciting and at least make it look more skillful.

Get on that, FIFA.

Fair warning

imagesIt is reasonable to assume that I’m going to spend a fair amount of time, at least over the next week or so if not for the entirety of the next month, talking about soccer.  And I’m going to be calling it “soccer,” not “football,” because I’m ‘merkin and screw the metric system, dammit, or something like that.

SON OF A BITCH CHILE YOU JERKFACES

(Sorry.  My “cheer for the team with more hits on the blog” plan has been 3-0 so far, but there’s about two minutes left in the Chile-Australia match and Chile just scored again, so so much for that.)

Anyway.  I’ve watched all of two of the matches and a good chunk of the other two.  Here was my day:  Job interview, watch soccer, write 500 words or so of fiction, watch soccer, actively curate my Twitter account (I have spent way too much time today on Twitter, and oh by the way you can follow me off to the right, there) and watch more soccer.  I can’t explain my attraction to the World Cup; I have paid no attention to soccer whatsoever since the last World Cup and in fact have watched virtually no sports at all this year.  I don’t like sports.  Watching sports nearly always feels like a massive waste of my time that could be spent more productively doing something else.  Hell, I’ve even ignored the Olympics the last couple of times.  But there’s something about the World Cup.  I dunno.

I won’t get to watch most of the games tomorrow, so here are my picks:

  • Greece (43 hits) beats Colombia (38 hits)
  • Costa Rica (7 hits) beats Uruguay (3 hits)
  • England (4,474 hits) demolishes Italy (114 hits)
  • Japan (115 hits) beats Côte d’Ivoire (2 hits)

I am apparently pulling for a US-Canada finale, which I know doesn’t make any sense– does Canada even have a team?– but what the hell; I don’t know a single thing about any of these teams so I may as well choose a method that I think is fun.

(Also, I reserve the right to cheer for the Netherlands under any and all circumstances, and no, I don’t know why.  Oranje!)

Presented more or less without comment

If, like me, you only pay attention to soccer for a month or so every four years (and call it “soccer”) this may come in handy:

worldcupflowchartfinal-watermark

On soccer

I have determined that in any given World Cup match I will cheer for the team whose host country has visited my blog more times. So far I am 1-0, as Brazil has produced 162 hits vs. Croatia’s puny 26.

If you are in one of these countries feel free to stuff the ballot box. 🙂

Also, are vuvuzelas about to become a thing again?

Things I’m just going to leave here

This

and

this.

Up to you whether you do anything with them.

In which I bullet point

ostriches-head-in-sandJust  a couple of things that are rolling around in my head; do with them what you will:

  • President Obama did the right thing– politically, morally, and legally– by going to Congress for authorization to attack Syria.  I have no idea whether he’ll get it, but this thing where we just attack other countries without a declaration of war because the President wants to needs to stop.  That said, the AUMF is probably too broad, and for it to matter Obama’s going to have to pay attention to what Congress says to do, which he doesn’t actually have to.
  • Congress should say no, and Obama shouldn’t have wanted to do this in the first place.  Not one more thin fucking dime for bombs in the Middle East; I don’t give a shit what they do to each other anymore.  Chemical weapons, machine guns, eat each fucking other for all I care.  No more goddamn Middle East wars.  There’s no good outcome from this under any circumstances– we take out Assad and bring democracy to Syria, they’re just going to elect an Islamist government– so we shouldn’t do anything at all.  Let them solve their own goddamn civil war.
  • Humanitarians are no doubt thinking humanitarian things based on that last paragraph.  I initially supported the Iraq war on humanitarian grounds; look at where that got us.  “Fuck it” is now officially a position on war.  If that makes me a bad person, I can live with it; if that means tinhorn despots will continue to use chemical weapons to ineffectively kill relatively small numbers of people I can live with that too.
  • NICE OF YOU TO SAY “FUCK IT” WHILE PEOPLE ARE DYING, ASSHOLE:  Refer to “no good outcome” response.  Nothing we can do about this.  Bombing just kills more innocent people.  I’d prefer we not do that, and since there’s no viable positive outcome that means we don’t do it.
  • I was already aware of most of the information in this useful article except for the bit where we’re pissing Russia off, which seems like another reason for this to be a nay-nay war, as John Pinette might say.
  • Notre Dame’s first home game was yesterday, which meant we got our first onslaught of poorly-housebroken drunk asshole fucks after the game, two of whom were wearing shirts that said “SOUTH BEND FUCKIN’ INDIANA” on the front and something along the lines of “IF YOU DON’T BLEED BLUE AND GOLD TAKE YOUR BITCH ASS HOME” on the back, displaying the kind of grace and class I’ve come to expect from Notre Dame students over the years.  I considered throwing them out on the spot and settled for making them turn the shirts inside out, then managed to get into a minor Twitter fight this morning while making sure I’d gotten the back of the shirts right.
  • No demolition today in the bathroom; we’ve decided to wait until measuring is done and we have a timeline on the guy coming in to do the tile.  There’s no point in wrecking the bathroom early– possibly a couple of weeks early– when there’s so much else to be done before we can put it back together, even if a three-day weekend would be convenient.
  • Here’s the front of the shirt.
  • It’s probably time to potty train the boy.  There have been Constipation Issues this week.  I don’t like knowing about other people’s poops.
  • Making snow pea beef stir fry tonight.  I am hugely looking forward to it.
  • Looking less forward to having to wade through four inches of grading HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN ALREADY.

Might add more later.  Whee!

On extracurriculars

I am at a middle school football game. It is a hundred million degrees and I am wearing work clothes, including my lanyard, and I am anticipating a massive scalp/neck sunburn because there is no shade anywhere.

Ah, teaching.

Later, I will hunt for tile.


We appear to have lost, which is sad– I had to leave early for the tilening, which didn’t even work out to much– we weren’t able to find what I had declared the Perfect Tile at our Lowe’s when we went to the Lowe’s that is closer to my parents’ place, although we did manage to make an appointment for a guy to come out and measure our bathroom and tell me how deep the buggery going to be once they come over and tile for us.  (We have discussed it.  We are not tiling ourselves.  The reason:  we don’t wanna.)   The demolition is still scheduled for this weekend and I’m still not exactly sure how that’s going to go.  But I’m looking forward to blogging about how wrong it went.