So this week is just gonna be thin, content-wise, and that’s really all there is to it. I could probably go to bed right now and be asleep in seconds. The new job isn’t exactly strenuous, but right now the training is focusing more on “learn policies and procedures” and not so much “interact with people,” and as a result oh my god am I bored. I’ll like the work, I’m convinced of that, but I’d like to start doing it, and I’m not even halfway through the training yet.
So. Yeah. Normally at this point is where I’d post a music video, but I feel like something different today, so instead have a Steve Harvey clip.
If we were having coffee, I suspect you’d quickly notice that I was in an uncommonly good mood, at least compared to the last, oh, eight months. Because good news: I have a job. Or, at least, I’m back up to my usual three jobs from the two I’ve held since October.
What’s the job? Speaking broadly, sales. Slightly less broadly, retail sales, but relatively large-ticket items. It ain’t gonna be glamorous but I’ll be dressing nicer than I was at my last job and at least initially I really like the people I’ll be working with. And, most importantly, 1) I can delete the “jobs” and “school” folders from my bookmarks, a fact that filled me with much more pleasure than the simplicity of the act might imply, and 2) I am not in imminent danger of running out of money and causing my family to lose the house. Which… yeah, both of those are real good things.
This coming the same week as my brother’s wedding has me tentatively hopeful that 2016 is gonna drop the bullshit at least for a little while, but we’ll see.
Also! You’ve probably figured this out if you’ve actually visited the site in the last week or so, but I’m going to be at Indy Pop Con in Indianapolis over Father’s Day weekend. Specifically, Booth 722 in Artist’s Alley, which looks like a pretty primo location:
I’m hoping those tables there are a common area of some sort and I’m not facing, like, the back of the food court or a stage or something. This location is either going to be great or it’s going to be godawful; we’ll see. At any rate: come see me next weekend! This will probably be my last con appearance of 2016– at least, it’s my last currently planned one, although there’s a chance of appearing at at least one local event in the fall. So I strongly suggest everyone reading this plan to run to Indy.
The conversation might turn to projects at this point, maybe, and we’d discuss how there are awesome hardwood floors under the disgusting, filthy pink carpet in my bedroom. I’m planning on tearing out all the carpet over the next couple of days; pictures when it’s done. Exciting! Also exhausting.
So, yeah, coffee buddy, it’s been a good week. 🙂 You can fully expect me to spend the week after the con whining about how I haven’t had to work a 40-hour week in forever and I’m so tired and waah waah waah and all that sort of stuff, so be glad you got to spend part of the morning with me before I had to reacclimate myself to a working person’s schedule.
I’m back from the wedding, obviously, but I never got this James Wylder story up. Enjoy!
Artwork by Chase Jones.
Let me take you back to a time before your dreams, when the greatest things in the universe were just an inkblot on the horizon. This was in the days before I realized there was more to the inkblot than the slight fades in it we call stars, and the deep rivers we call the sunlight. These were the days of Ahnerabe station, the days with my family, the last days I really felt like there was anything so wonderful but to live in the thin metal halls that rotated endlessly outside of orbit.
Our home was built a long time ago, some say it was by people from Earth, and I suspect that’s true, but somehow it seems permanent and eternal, like the idea that the universe always was, that there was no beginning and we simply formed in a long string where the negatives were as long as the positives and the dead center was our own breath. But it wasn’t really so, and there was a big bang, despite some scientific disagreement. We all had a beginning, a place best described as where we thought there was no beginning. The time of no change. Just like the universe, it all ended with a Big Bang, and the beginning began.
My father wasn’t sure what to think about the noise, after all, if it was an impact from a piece of space rock, it meant we were likely all going to be dead shortly to make that much noise, so he tried not to think about that. I didn’t try to stop, and I remember I was shuddering in fear, as I spun in the gravityless air. Father hesitantly told us to put on our space suits, and he got out a toolkit, and headed towards the noise. If the hull ruptured as he went over there, there would be no father anymore, just a stick figure shaped fade on the inkblot, reflecting light back at us like a signal flare, its eyes forever locked in terror.
Luckily—No, I shouldn’t say luckily. I don’t believe in luck, any more than I believe in an eternal universe. It’s just too convenient. There was another bang, and then a weird noise, a noise that sounded horrible, like I imagined a banshee sounding like in bedtime stories in that moment you get in the sheets and you’re still cold and your mother hasn’t kissed you yet. There was a silence, and then a clank, and slowly my father came into view.
He wasn’t alone.
* * * *
One of my first memories is of when my older sister got lucky enough to have her arm amputated. nShe was very excited. You always cut the legs off early, because if you don’t you could easily die if the inertial dampeners fail and your blood ends up rushing into them during an acceleration unit. They fail often. The arms are less deadly, so we keep them longer. Her eyes were so bright when my father got out the bone saw, and I was more jealous than you can imagine.
“Why can’t I lose an arm too ma?”
“When you’re older sweetie. And its Artemis’s birthday!”
She told dad to do it without anesthetic, and he was so proud of her. Sure, she blacked out, but it was worth it. When it was time for me to lose my first limb, I was an embarrassment. I tried to be strong like sis, but I just cried and cringed and thrashed as the teeth of the knife cut into me. My dad sedated me. The last thing I saw on his face was that look of utter disappointment.
* * * *
“Who… Are they?”
My mother could have asked a million more questions, but that question was good enough.
“They’re explorers. They say they came from a station of Titans and Gods.”
“Olympus Station,” one of them said, through her pierced lips, the tattoo running along her lower and upper lip, along the side of her nose, before climaxing into an explosion of color around her eye. The tattoo faintly glowed, just like I could make my limbs do. Their spacesuits didn’t match, and were a gaudy mix of red and purple for one, and yellow and black for the other. They had what I was fairly certain was a “cat” emblazoned on it, which was one of the mythical “animals” I’d heard so much about.
“I thought we were the only ones left…” my mother stammered. The two women looked at each other.
“The only ones of what?” one of them said, in a tone of voice I had never heard before.
“People.”
* * * *
There used to be a lot of people on Ahnerabe station. There were a lot of other children there that I played with, and we would roam around in the zero gravity, bouncing balls around. There was a sports team I was on, but I can’t remember the rules to it, except that it involved swimming through the air to place a ball in a receptacle, and that I was descent at it. On my team was my first crush, Selene.
Unlike every one else on board, whose hair was blonde, hers was white, and she was teased for it immensely. The most common insult was “Crone Head.” I found her one day, curled up in a ball, slowly rotating around, her tears spiraling out from her body, glittering in the emergency lighting. I floated up to her, and pushed through the tears. It was the first time anyone ever hugged me, and I felt perverse when I felt the warmth of her body.
I’m ashamed to say I ran away.
* * * *
The two women looked at each other, and their faces made some expression I couldn’t read, and I blushed and turned away.
“You seriously think you’re the last humans?”
“We did, and could you… Make yourselves decent?”
They looked totally confused. One looked down her spacesuit as though she’d unzipped it on accident.
“What the…”
I didn’t know the next word they said, neither did my parents.
“You know…” My mom leaned in, though it didn’t help since her voice was coming out of her spacesuit speakers. “Your faces are showing.”
Their jaws went slack, and they just stared at us for a long time. Eventually, my mother undid the locks on her helmet, and showed them her mask, the smooth white oval of it contrasting hugely with their indecent flesh, its one red optical input over where her left eye was seeming so elegant and efficient.
“You don’t…. Show your faces to each other?”
“It’s indecent.”
“Are you some kind of cult or something?”
My sister intervened. “Clearly the land of Olympus has very different rules about these things, Mom.”
“Doesn’t mean they’re right…” my mom muttered.
“So, who are you two?”
“Better yet, who the hell are you guys?”
* * * *
The Family.
There is my father, Apollo. He is a wise man, after all, he and mom kept us alive all these years.
Though he cried all the time that we were the end of humanity. He liked to keep a pattern of flowing water on the video panels of his limbs and mask, it gave him a stoic tranquil appearance I could always trust in.
There is my mother, Aphrodite. She always enjoyed the hydroponic gardens we got our food from, and she used to take us there to look at the plants. While we didn’t need all of the surviving gardens to live, she kept them up, because she loved the greenery. It was so amazing to see how nature worked, that if you just put a plant in a stream of nutrient injected fluid, it would grow big and strong and make tasty things for you to eat. I swam through the zero-g jungle, and my mother would encourage us. I used to pretend there were animals there, but I knew they weren’t real, though that didn’t stop my sister from teasing me about it. My mother always kept her skinpanels in a pattern of greenery. It suited her.
There is my sister, Artemis. She was the most adventurous of us. After all, if her or I died, there was no one left for us to mate with, and we were brother and sister, which would be highly immoral. So that was the end of it. And she took her apocalyptic certainty as an excuse to do anything. She would go on spacewalks, just for fun, and see if she could hold on untethered. She would remove some of her limbs, or modify them, and try to wriggle into small spaces. She was brave. And she was dangerous. Artemis kept her skinplates grayscale, shifting colors, usually towards black.
And there was me. Archimedes. I usually forgot to turn my skinplates on, so they just stayed the generic white they are if you don’t use that feature. I was the youngest, last one born, and since I played it safe, I knew I would be the last one to die. Alone in the metal tubes of my cold heart home, pumping despair into the inkblot.
* * * *
The one in the red and purple was named Grit Simmons, which didn’t sound like a real name, and the other was named Cat Conkers, which sounded even less like a real name. They explained Titan station was like Ahnerabe station, only larger, and with more people on it.
“Did you ever find more normal people?” My sister narrowed her vision receptacle at me sadly.
“Normal?”
“You know, who look like us.”
“No, I can’t say we ever have.”
They took off their spacesuits, and I saw one of them had robotic legs, and another robotic arms, but their limbs had all of the gizmos showing, they weren’t covered at all. It was strange.
“So how long have you been living out here?” Grit said.
“Our whole lives,” my father replied, “We honestly thought we were the only ones left. That’s what our parents told us.”
“Is the Earth finally safe yet?” My mother perked up, “Or do the other survivors all live on spacestations too?” Grit had to blink a few times, which reminded me of a computer light flickering to process data.
“Er, well a few places are irradiated or polluted, but Earth and Mars have always been okay, I mean, as much as it can under Centro.”
“Is Centro some kind of protective radiation field?” Artemis inquired.
“No, its, um, no. No its not.”
“It’s a government. They are big wigs who run everybody’s life and tell people what to do and stuff.”
Cat helpfully finally chimed in. “Do you have any meat? Or is this veggie stuff all you have to eat?”
I was still wondering why people wore large wigs on Earth, but my mom had a different question.
“You… eat people?” The pair twisted their faces in very weird ways.
“No! Of course not!”
“Why would you think that?”
“Where else would you get meat!”
“Animals!”
“Animals aren’t real, everyone know that.”
“What?” Just… Stop. What?”
Needless to say, it was a long conversation.
* * * *
The time I didn’t run away was much more notable, and happened purely by chance. I was floating through the gardens, when I heard a sigh. I swam towards the sound, and found Selene, looking at some celery. “Selene?” She looked up, her hair seeming to shock into the weightless air, her vision receptacle widening. “Arch, I didn’t realize you were here.”
“I didn’t realize you were here either. I thought I was the only one who came here.” Her shoulders lowered with the faint hum of machinery.
“So did I.” We sat, and talked about the plants. It wasn’t the last time we met up there, we started doing it regularly. And soon the two of us were inseparable, Crone Head and Arch Disappointment, best of pals. She told me all her fears, and I hers. She wondered if we’d ever go to Earth. She said she’d like to, to see the plants there, and raise children. We wondered what it would be like to walk in gravity, and used to pretend to, pushing each other’s feet down, giggling all the while.
One night, as we were sitting together, Selene took my hand, and told me she’d been thinking, and she wanted to show me something. I shrugged, and said okay. I couldn’t believe what happened next: she reached up to her head, and opened her face plate, snapping off the latches installed in her skin, and letting it drift away.
“Only people who are married can see each other’s faces Selene…”
“Like they will approve us for admission to the gene pool. You’re… Special, Archimedes.”
“So are you.” Her face was… Immensely fundamental. Her eyes were a sort of pale blue, and she seemed to have to… close them occasionally, which she seemed to find difficult, and the tube leading into her eye seemed to block it partially. I wondered if eyes had been designed to do that before faceplates. Her skin showed scarring from where all of the attachments, wires, and tubes had been implanted, and her visage was wreathed in the silver teeth that held her faceplate on. And I realized I must look like that, and the more I looked at her face, the more I wanted to share mine with hers. I pulled off the latches, and my faceplate floated up into the air, and then she leaned in and put her mouth on mine like they did in books, and I wrapped my arms around her, and hers around me, and I could feel her heartbeat, and the whir of her motors, and I think we both began to cry. I had never felt another person so close before. We met up many more times, and got closer and closer each time.
Her body felt like starlight on my skin, warm, yet it wasn’t far away, and she could whisper in my ear.
And I knew it was wrong, and that to be so close with another person was immoral, but we did it anyway. I held her close. And eventually, there were no barriers between us, and we wondered why it was that you were only allowed to make children by artificial insemination, because the alternative turned out to be… Better than anticipated, and I didn’t feel at all like the darkness.
* * * *
After they explained Mars (which was apparently communist) to us, which took some time, they began to get down to business.
“So look, we can get you off of here, take you somewhere where there are people.” Grit said.
My mother looked at my Father, “We can’t just let them die here.”
My Father nodded, “We need some time to think about this, to plan… To know what the outside world is like.”
“Oh come on, we do not have enough god damn time for this!” Cat pulled out a gun. I’d read about them. I’d never seen one before. “We’re taking over your station in the name of Olympus, now shut up and get on our damn spaceship before I blow your cultass brain into the next hemisphere.”
“Cultass?”
“Just shut up!”
“Cat, what are you doing?”
“I’m not letting your molly coddling get in the way of our survival!”
“You don’t even know if this will do that!”
“Well it’s worth a fucking shot!”
* * * *
The last time I’d heard that kind of yelling, the elders of the ship were meeting. We never learned what about, but in hindsight, they must have learned that there was something outside. They yelled, and at the end of it, some of the station decided to leave, and the rest decided to stay, but neither would do it without everyone. So ended, and started, the brisk war. It was over so fast. In the opening gambit, one side lowered the defensive grid for a chunk of the station, in time for a meteor to hit it. The meteor didn’t just crack us open with stardust, it poured us into the stars, and spilled our bloody guts into the void. It had been meant as a warning blow, a way to say, “This is the end, we all have to leave anyways now!” instead, the meteor tore through the living area, ripped off an arm of the station, and left the rest venting bodies and air. My father had us hide that night in the gardens, and we lived, and no one else did. We never heard from the missing arm. It was where Selene lived, and I dreamed for a long time she lived. But she didn’t. They were all dead. Spinning out like tears.
* * * *
My father’s blank faceplate stared impassively. The gun pointed at his head. I shivered. Not again.
* * * *
Before everyone died, I got my name. We weren’t born with names, just serial numbers. Mine was 0042623.
When I was old enough, my naming ceremony came. Most children got named after Gods, so when my naming time arrived, I wondered what it would be. Zeus? Apollo like my father? Or maybe some lesser God… I didn’t care, I was excited. My parents and the registrar sat, their vision receptors glowing red against the white walls.
“Welcome 0042623, are you ready to receive your name?”
I nodded excitedly.
“Now son, your mother and I have talked it over…”
“….And we’re naming you Archimedes.” That wasn’t any God I’d heard of.
“See… We care about you, but we’re under no illusions, your sister is the talented one, and you’re simply going to follow her, and support her. You aren’t the one who is going to achieve the greatness in our family, so we don’t want to give you a name that will give you any false ideas. So we’re naming you Archimedes Artemis, so you’ll never forget your purpose is to follow your sister.”
I was never so dismayed. The other kids called me “Arch disappointment” after that.
* * * *
“Don’t!” My mother cried, and Cat glared at her, and grabbed her by the hair. In a swift motion she slammed my mother’s head into the table, and then again, and again the blood seeping out from under the cracked plastic. My father tried to intervene, and she pointed the gun at him, and shot him in the head. Apollo fell, smelling of meat and circuits, and I screamed. I was glad my mother wasn’t alive to see that, in a way…
I lunged at her when she shot. I barreled at her, propelling myself off the wall, and ramming my metal shoulder into her chest. Her companion tried to get to her, but Artemis grabbed her, and clenched with her metal hands as hard as she could, crushing bone. We wrestled in the zero gravity, till the apocalypse was signed with ink.
Cat had a gun. And she tried to save her friend.
And she shot.
The station was old, and wasn’t designed to take the strange plasma belting gun she had.
It melted through the wall, it burned it, over and over as her shots went wild. There was a moment where only air was seeping out, then the wall burst out, and Artemis and Grit were ejaculated from the station, their arms still locked in a dance of violence, a dance that they would never finish, as their flesh froze.
Cat followed soon after, with the corpses of Aphrodite and Apollo, both heading towards the sun, fittingly. And I clenched onto the table, which was bolted to the floor, till all the air was gone, and walked to the next airlock…. Where I went in, the last survivor of the apocalypse. Just like I’d always known.
* * * *
“So, you just got on their spaceship, figured out the controls, and flew it here?” The man said. I nodded.
“That doesn’t sound too believable.”
“I don’t find any of this stupid place believable. You people are ridiculous. I’m still ashamed to see you showing your faces around here.”
“Right… So what do you plan to do now?”
I squinted my vision receptacle at him, and sighed.
“I wish I knew. I’m the last living man, in a world full of people. It’s not an easy thing to figure.”
He poured me a drink. My liver told me it required extra processing, but he said it was on the house, which he explained meant free.
No, free was wrong. I went outside the bar, as the mobs of flesh wandered around me, and I looked up at the speck of light in the inkblot, that was called Earth. And there was a moment where the world was the way it was, and the end became the beginning, and apocalypse formed a broken Eden.
* * * *
The end of the Earth was a terrible thing, and we all knew about it. It was one of the first things every child on Ahnerabe learned. The earth became corrupt, immoral, decadent, and it was washed away with a fire called radiation, partially. We were spared the first round, and we build rockets, and launched ourselves into space, building the station far from where anyone would ever find us. We hid, and avoided the apocalypse, a hidden arc sustaining the best of humanity. Very strict guidelines for who could go on the trip were assembled, and we were the descendants of those lucky few. As the world burned, we on Ahnerable stayed safe, knowing that when the Earth was ready for us we would go back, and repopulate it. It was the noble dream. It was the beginning of all things, it was the end of all things. We blurred into the shadows and took a gasping breath as we plunged into the inkblot, slowly turning around the sun, like a tiny marble, or Selene’s tears when I could feel her heart beat.
There was a light, and it was the knowledge that though everyone else was dead, we would live on.
And when we finished the story, the ink spilled along the page, and no one could read it but memories.
* * * *
“Cat?”
“Yeah, Grit?”
“You see that?” they’d drifted so far out, their ship running cold, but still propelled at speeds like the chariots of the gods through the darkness, that they didn’t even know where they had run to in running.
“Looks like some sort of spacestation.”
“Nobody builds a spacestation out this far, its lunacy. You couldn’t resupply.”
“But you could hide.”
“So?”
“The boss of Olympus might want another place to hole up, this could be our shot. She might forgiv—“
“She won’t ever forgive.”
“What’s the worst that happens, we end the world?”
I still have one guest post left, an original story by James Wylder that technical issues prevented me from running Saturday and then laziness/post-wedding cold issues prevented me from running today. It will run sometime this week.
This is the speech– lightly edited to change names– that I gave during the wedding ceremony. The most amazing thing about this wedding? It POURED all day long. I got as angry with a bride as I’ve ever been when I found out she’d declared that we were going to “risk it” and we were going to be outside for the ceremony. My entire script and my entire speech were written in ink on paper. It was going to be a disaster, and I already had a cold coming on.
The ceremony was at 5:30. At 5:00 the skies cleared to a perfect blue, and not a drop of rain fell for the entire evening. I ad-libbed the word “miraculous” into the first couple of sentences of the ceremony, and got a wave of applause from the crowd. I cannot believe the weather worked out the way it did.
And I will never doubt my sister-in-law’s word again. 🙂
When my brother first asked me to be the officiant for his wedding, I agreed to do it immediately, but on one condition: I got five minutes, during the ceremony, where I could say whatever I wanted—and neither he nor <his wife> got to see the speech beforehand.
They have absolutely no idea what I’m about to say.
Manic laughter.
This is an odd position for me to be in as a writer. Authors strive to write words that are remembered. I remember one sentence from the speech at my own wedding, and I’m pretty sure that the only way any of you are going to remember a word I say is if I screw something up. I’ve had nightmares—literal, actual, sweaty nightmares—about standing up here and getting Sarah’s name wrong.
(Note: the bride’s name is not Sarah.)
I slaved over this speech, though. These words that I’m saying to you now represent the fourth draft. The first contained fifteen swear words, one of which was in Russian. The third was virtually nothing but references to movies and hiphop music. The second was an attempt to take my responsibilities as officiant Very Seriously—and I actually have those words capitalized in print—and is probably best not spoken of.
I don’t do earnest and serious all that well. I do pop culture references quite well, but those of you who don’t have The Princess Bride memorized probably won’t appreciate a speech strewn with references to blessed arrangements and rodents of unusual size. And while “prepare to die” has probably been used in reference to marriage at some point, you won’t be hearing it from me.
I’m going to come back to the movie in a moment, though. Be ready for it.
My wife and I just celebrated our eighth anniversary a few months ago. Compared to our families, we’re amateurs. Our parents—my brother’s and mine— have been married for 43 years. My wife’s parents got married in 1971. And the <bride’s family> are not slouches at this either; Sue <bride’s mom’s maiden name> became Sue <bride’s last name> in 1979. So while there are a lot of people who have had more experience at being married than I have, we’ve been lucky to have a lot of good examples around us to look up to.
So if I have some wisdom to pass along, it’s this: To the outside world, the two of you are now one person. You will have disagreements in private. If you don’t, it’s probably a sign that your marriage isn’t as healthy as it could be. But outside your home, it needs to be the two of you united against the world. Your first responsibility to your spouse is to support him or her against any and all external challenges. To be a rock even if you feel more like gravel. Even—perhaps most importantly—when you disagree in private. This will become even more important in the future when your children enter the picture. Remember: you chose your spouse on purpose. You got to pick each other. The kids were something that happened to you. Back each other up: at all times, against all comers. Forever.
In public, you are one. In public, it is you against the world. In public, make it the truth: that when all is lost, there will be you.
But back to the movie.
The Princess Bride actually does contain some great advice for marriage in it, despite the fact that the famous wedding scene contains only one willing participant. It’s a phrase repeated endlessly at the beginning of the movie and also the final line.
(To bride and groom) You know what I’m talking about?
The bride did. I don’t know for sure that my brother heard the question.
“As you wish.”
At home, learn the phrase “as you wish.” And use it. Frequently. There will be hard days. There will be days where both of you get home sick and tired from work, and you will realize that you need to lay your own burdens aside, because your partner’s needs are greater. You may both be too tired to cook. Dig deep, and be the one that goes and gets Chinese food.
Did that sound like a ridiculous example? Half of my disputes with my wife are about which one of us is going to go get dinner. Learn “as you wish.” Figure out a way to divide chores so that each of you is doing the work that you were most likely to do on your own anyway. But when the other needs you to do theirs? Again, remember those three simple words: “as you wish.”
The floor will need to be vacuumed. The bills will need to be paid. The lawn will need to be mowed. When the kids come, the diapers will need to be changed and one of you will inevitably have to decide that that day you will be the bad cop.
You will both have days where you need comforting. You will both have days where you are sick or hurt and need help. You will both have days where you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will murder someone and go to jail with a smile on your face if you have to leave the house again. And you will both have days where the thing you need most is a firm slap on the side of your head and a reminder of all the things you have in your life that are going right.
Learn those words. “As you wish.” And remember what you are really saying when you use them. “I love you.”
I could not be happier to be standing here right meow. I love you both. But this is where it gets official. Are we ready?
And we moved to the “I do” part. About half a dozen people in the crowd caught the meow.
I am supposed to be home today. I hope to God I didn’t call the bride by the wrong name yesterday.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a problem with your insurance company, cable company or bank.
Now, raise your hand if you’ve ever resolved a problem with your insurance company, cable company or your bank.
Me neither.
I start out cautiously optimistic when I make the first customer service call and Phyllis from Blue Cross sounds completely competent. She assures me that my policy has been reinstated. Yeah right.
“Phyllis, are you sure? Because I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow,” I said.
Phyllis chuckles in response to my anxiety.
“Have you ever known an insurance company to run as anything less than a well-oiled machine?” she asked (in my head).
“Oh Phyllis, you’re such a card,” I retort (in my head).
But the next time I go to my doctor’s office and they won’t see me because my insurance was cancelled, I realize Phyllis is like all the rest. Making promises she can’t keep, knowing I will never ever ever ever get ahold of her again. Customer service agents are like burner phones. Their slogan is ‘One call and that’s all!’.
No accountability.
I reassure myself that everyone’s doing their best as I psych myself up for the next call. After all, growing toward the sun = assuming the best about people.
So the next time I call, I get a brand new person to tell my life story to. I always ask them if they can “look in the notes” to play catch up because I think that’s a thing, but they never act like it’s a thing. That’s fine, I tell myself, clean slate! This will be good.
I remind myself that:
1) this person is innocent (at least until you hang up and they screw you over, too) and
2) you need this person to help you and if you’re a jerk, they’re probably less inclined to do so
So I patiently explain to Travis that my policy has been canceled even though I paid my premium. Travis says he’s going to research the problem and call me back.
“Are you really going to call me back?” I ask, trust issues abound.
“Yes ma’am,” Travis answers.
WHATEVER TRAVIS.
“Can I get your extension in case I don’t hear from you?” I sounded like a thirsty first date trying to wrangle a second.
“No ma’am, unfortunately we don’t have extensions,” he replied.
Travis didn’t sound like he thought it was unfortunate. In fact, I’m willing to bet that this no extensions ruse is the only thing that keeps him showing up to the job each day. He hangs up and I’m some other chump’s problem.
If we were having coffee, I’d be in a better mood than I am right now, because I’m not drinking coffee. (Note that it is probably best to interpret this post less as whining and more as look what an idiot I am. Calibrate your expectations accordingly.)
Our coffee maker took a shit a couple of weeks ago, developing a leak toward the base somewhere that necessitated its immediate replacement. The new hotness was a more expensive & more technologically complicated edition. It had a timer on it! My wife was super happy, as you could set everything up before bed and have hot coffee already brewed when you get out of the shower in the morning.
Sounds great, right? It also has an auto shutoff, meaning that there’s no more early-afternoon trips that feature one of us saying Did you shut the coffee maker off? because it automatically shuts itself off after some predetermined amount of time. And for whatever reason I haven’t taken the time to figure out how the timer works and how it can be adjusted, which means that there have been several times since we got the new coffee maker where I’ve wanted coffee and not had any, because for some reason the idea of reheated coffee creeps me out. Once that shit gets cold, it’s permanently undrinkable.
Note that I drink iced coffee every now and again. If it’s cold on purpose, that’s fine. If it’s cold because it got cold, it cannot be made hot again.
Yes. I know.
That doesn’t make any sense at all. I am aware of the problem and I have top people working on it.
I just wandered into the kitchen– yes, I know, it’s a quarter to twelve, shut up— ready for a hot cup of coffee only to be greeted with what was best lukewarm liquid that wouldn’t have been hot at all once I added milk to it. Turning the pot back on or putting the cup in the microwave is existentially impossible, and making a new pot seems wasteful. So no coffee for me this morning, again, because I’m too damn dumb/lazy to figure out how to extend that auto shutoff feature by another hour or two or, better, just disable it altogether.
I am not very bright, is what I’m saying here. On the plus side, I discovered cold pizza in the fridge that I didn’t know was there, so the morning isn’t a complete loss.
So I just found out that my eighteen year old cat has a tooth abscess, which is going to require a spot of dental surgery on Wednesday, and my brother’s wedding is the weekend after this, and the hotel alone for that trip is going to be ugly.
What I’m getting at is that this would be a great time to buy a book or two, if you’re the type to enjoy science fiction or nonfiction books about teaching. I even sell autographed print books directly if you’re interested in that. Because the next two weeks were already going to be bugfuck expensive, and the vet bills ain’t gonna help. And I still don’t have a proper job.
That said, let’s tell a little story about the job I do have. Several years ago I was in charge of the morning video announcements at one of my schools, which involved putting together a script, hustling a pair of middle school students through reading it, then editing the whole thing together and adding sound effects, text, and the occasional bad joke. Over a while it became a running joke that Mr. Siler Doesn’t Dance. It started with a two and a half minute speech about sports physicals by our gym teacher that I intercut with shots of students dancing to keep them paying attention and then eventually cut to me, sitting perfectly still, because I don’t dance. A later shot had me doing a gesture with one finger (no, not that one, but hell if I know how to describe it) in tune to the music while other people danced behind me.
For the rest of the year, any time the kids walked past me, especially the younger ones, one of them was bound to be doing that finger dance. It stuck around for years.
Fast forward to Saturday night. We got killed at OtherJob on Saturday; I walked in to discover the day shift had done probably 30% better than they ever do, especially on a day with no big groups or birthday parties, and we managed to double that number by 7:30 PM and triple it by the time we closed. It was gorgeous outside. You could tell.
Anyway, I was at the outdoor register and basically had my head down most of the night because the line of people wanting to play never let up. At one point I heard my name off to my left. “Yeah, Mr. Siler used to do this all the time,” the kid is saying. I look up, and it’s a former student, a kid who’s probably 16 or 17 by now. He’s part of a big family. There’s a (good) story about his sister in Searching for Malumba. I think I had him and three of his brothers and sisters.
And he’s talking about me, and he has no idea that I’m standing a foot away. And he’s doing the goddamn finger dance.
The look on the kid’s face when I called him out by name was hilarious. I don’t know if he just wasn’t paying attention or what– it was pretty common knowledge that this was my other job, so frequently kids would come looking for me if they showed up, but it’s been a few years since I’ve seen him– and I think I exploded his brain for a bit there.
I know. That’s most days. Every day, actually, except for one, and when that day happens you don’t actually get to be the one telling the story. Well, trust me. Roll with it.
My name is Elena Irizarri. I was about to be— half an hour away, maybe—the most famous nerd in human history. My face next to ‘nerd’ in the dictionary level famous. Who is this ‘Gates’ person? famous. All I had to do was walk out on stage as soon as my introduction was finished, wave, walk through one door, and walk out another.
The doors were fifteen feet apart, and I wouldn’t be walking through the space in between. That was the tricky part. We had finally cracked it: human teleportation, across, at least in theory, unlimited distance.
The guy doing my introduction was a billionaire. He was one of maybe half a dozen extraordinarily wealthy people who had poured truly unseemly amounts of cash into the enterprise my father and uncle had started decades ago, and of the original moneybags who were still alive he’d donated the most, so he got to bask in the attention as we proved ourselves to the world.
Sadly, neither Dad nor Uncle Epigmenio were around to witness the proceedings. Dad had passed away fifteen years ago, and Tío Epi … well, that’s a long story, one that ends with he wasn’t allowed on the premises any longer. Dad had come up with the theoretical underpinnings of teleportation in grad school, and had followed it with a monomania that would have landed all of us in the poorhouse had he not made friends with the sole scion of one of the wealthiest families on the East Coast. The Humboldts knew genius when they saw it, and they also saw ancillary benefits when they saw them. They bankrolled Dad’s experiments until those side benefits started producing money on their own, and after that investors never stopped calling.
Here’s how teleportation works, in a nutshell: first, an object is transformed into a data stream on a molecular level. Then that data stream is piped at the speed of light to what is effectively a giant 3D printer some distance away. That 3D printer rebuilds the object. Kapow! Instantaneous (well, really fast) travel across intense distances.
Every single word in that sentence was impossible when Dad got started. Moving the data alone—a small rock needed terabytes of data to properly replicate—required innovations in data storage and transfer that made Moore’s Law slow and obsolete and basically rebuilt the entire communications industry from the ground up. Along the way, we invented replication, which was easier than teleportation—because you needed to be able to scan something on a molecular level and then rebuild a perfect copy before you even tackled the question of moving that data. That shook up entire industries too, although it was expensive and complicated enough that it hadn’t come close to being widely available yet.
By the time Dad was 60 and I was 10—it took him a while to get around to having a family—they had managed to transform most of Puerto Rico into a tech hub and he was ready to start trials with living things. By the time I was old enough to help with the family business, we were starting to think about moving on to vertebrates. God, the fights we had with ethics boards, every step of the way, and the painstaking work needed to make sure that the animals weren’t feeling pain, that they were maintaining their memories, that what came out of one teleporter was really the same creature as the one that went in—and all the work necessary to handle the step up in object complexity that came along with it. Even a simple worm is an order of magnitude more complicated than any artificial object. A goat? Forget about it.
Okay, I guess I got around to Tío Epi after all: he started secret animal trials way before we were ready, and hid them from all of us. He was in his nineties now; I hadn’t seen him in decades but from all reports he was still hale and hearty and basically hated everyone connected with the company.
I snapped out of my reverie long enough to listen to Bill Humboldt’s speech for a few minutes. He wasn’t even a third of the way through; I’d seen the final draft. Still plenty of time to wait.
Interesting things happen when you start talking about teleporting people. We’d done everything we could, as I said to ensure that the animal at one end of a ‘port was the same animal at the other end. We’d tested memory, personality, we’d given an animal a command and then teleported it and then watched as the animal that came out the other side performed that command, everything we could think of. And, amazingly, we’d done it without very many catastrophic failures, a fun euphemism that meant “dead animals.” As it worked out, all the safety protocols we’d built into object teleportation meant that trying and failing to transport a living thing just meant that nothing happened—a partially successful teleport, which is way grosser than you think it is no matter how active your imagination is—was an incredibly rare occurrence.
But yeah. The problem was people. People have souls. Or maybe they don’t! It’s not like we’d managed to find the things, or empirically demonstrate their existence or their non-existence. But even if we don’t really have souls, we certainly think and feel like we have souls, and it turns out that a whole lot of people have real problems with the idea that they could literally be broken down into zeroes and ones and rebuilt and the thing that was rebuilt was still them. More people were willing to simply die than have some other thing with their memories and personality running around pretending to be them, convinced it was them—and once that idea of teleportation took root in someone’s head, it was damned hard to dislodge it.
So the “human trials” portion of the process just sort of … never happened. We couldn’t make anyone be a subject, and no ethics board anywhere would approve the trials, and even an attempt to get some death row prisoners to volunteer got shot down by the government. We’d made Puerto Rico a state and they still wouldn’t let us.
Which was why the first human teleported was going to be me. In front of an exclusive gathering of several hundred people. And on live TV.
I really, really hoped it was going to work.
The crowd went nuts. I’d spaced out again; apparently Bill was done with his speech, and there was a handler approaching me with a mildly worried you probably need to get your butt on stage now look on his face.
I wasn’t supposed to talk. I had a speech in my pocket, but I wasn’t to say a word until the performance was over.
There were two teleportation pods on the stage. The first was at stage level, but the second was on poles, several feet above the ground, with a little stairway off to the side. It had been pointed out to us that doing a teleportation trick on a stage would look exactly like every magician’s trick ever employed for hundreds of years; we hoped that by lifting the destination pod a few feet up would sufficiently prove that I hadn’t just climbed down through the stage.
I shook hands with Bill and waved to the crowd and then went to the first pod. They’d told me that what with trying to whip the crowd into a frenzy and basic showmanship I should expect about two minutes between going into the first pod and coming out of the second. It would take a little bit longer than that; the data transfer time was nearly nonexistent at this distance but I wouldn’t perceive any of that.
I wouldn’t be able to hear or see a thing once going inside the pod; animal trials had shown that it was best if the pods were complete sensory deprivation chambers. Being in one place and then being in a completely different place in the blink of an eye had proved to be highly agitating to our more intelligent test subjects.
So I stood there in the dark. Two minutes was an incredibly long time when you couldn’t see or hear anything, so I did a countdown in my head. At about the 2:30 mark I felt a painful ripple across my entire body. It hurt more than I had expected, actually; we’d sent animals through with sensors embedded in their brains and they generally didn’t show much of a pain response at all, although there was clearly a sensory component to being ripped apart and being put back together.
Okay. I was across, and I’d survived. Now to wait for the door to open.
And about ten seconds later, it did. The sudden bright light meant it took a moment to orient myself and realize something had gone terribly wrong.
I was still in the first pod. I hadn’t moved. The test was a failure.
So why was everyone applauding so loudly? Bill Humboldt had never looked happier. The crowd was on their feet and everyone was going nuts.
And Bill was pointing at the second pod. No one was looking at me.
No one.
What the hell was going on? I took a couple of steps out of my pod, surprised at how shaky my knees were. I hadn’t even written a “well, that didn’t work” speech.
And then watched as I stepped out of the second pod, reaching out to take Bill’s hand as I walked down the stairs. The other me had shaky knees, too.
My hair looks terrible, I thought, ridiculously.
I didn’t know what to do. No one could see me.
“Bill!” I shouted. No reaction. I started shouting to myself and abruptly realized I didn’t know what to call me. I just walked over, standing right behind Bill, watching as I came down the stairs.
Bill turned, letting go of my hand, and walked straight through me on his way back to the podium.
And the other one—the other me—it looked at me. Straight in the eye.
And it winked.
And it walked through me on the way to the podium, pulled my speech out of my pocket, and delivered it. Flawlessly. I stood there in disbelief as it happened.