The bride is the eldest daughter of my wife’s favorite cousin, and she and her sister are easily my favorites among my wife’s side of the family (who, for the record, are all perfectly fine people; I’ve gotten very lucky with my in-laws) but I was unfortunately unsuccessful in my attempts to encourage either chicanery or shenanigans. She’s marrying into a family that is substantially more religious than anyone on our side, and I am the least religious of our side by a significant margin, so I was at least hoping for some entertainment or at least horror stories out of that, but it didn’t happen– the church was lovely, the reception was gorgeous, the pastor seemed to be a perfectly fine fellow, and I really didn’t feel like the experience as a whole was any more Jesusy than any other wedding I’ve been to, so all good there as well. The wedding was even short! Twenty minutes, in and out.
That said, they put out a Bible next to the guest book, and asked everyone to pick their favorite verse and sign next to it, and … well … never ask an atheist with graduate degrees in Hebrew Bible to pick his favorite Bible verse.
(She will think this is hilarious. I mentioned to her at one point that I had briefly considered flipping her and her mother off as they officially walked into the church– we sat in the back and were the first people she saw when they walked in, and she and I locked eyes for a moment– and she laughed and told me I should have done it.)
They also did a neat thing where they put a card on each of the tables at the reception and asked the guests to give them advice, with each card to be read on the anniversary corresponding to the table number. Ours was table 7, so they will read our card on their 7th anniversary. I did not write that I hope they enjoyed my funeral, which was my first thought, since there is no way 2035 is even a real year.(*)
At any rate, we are back in our hotel room right now, a room which somehow is sporting four queen-sized beds for the three of us, and in accordance with prophecy and our most ancient and revered familial traditions, none of us have spoken a word since we got back. I’m going to read for a while and go to bed, since there’s a family breakfast in the morning and I will need to restore needed energy for further socialization.
(*) Not only is it not a real year, it’s not seven years from now. Shut up, I’m tired.
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There is not one horror thought that came across your mind being in the church? lol I can start off a short story for you if you want. (I hope you and family have a wonderful time)
Nothing! I swear! Perfectly normal church service. I feel like the religiosity of the husband’s family was misrepresented to me.
(Just an ides)
As churches go, I suspect this is a decent one. Otherwise, I would not be here, listening to a man join two people in matrimony. I sat in the back because I feared the others would start to notice me fidgeting.
Not because of the ceremony, but because of this house we are sitting in. How many joinings have been officiated here, and how many mournings have taken place here? I fear that if they notice me looking at the man in the corner of the church, they would think I am uncomfortable being present.
On the contrary.
The man in question seemed to be smoking, but no one else appeared to notice. As I watched, I saw his skin start to swell as though a bee had stung him, yet he did not move….