In which I fail, at least at first

This post is going to get filed under “idiocy,” in case you were wondering at all.

I am– and I don’t know how common this combination is– not afraid of heights. Like, at all. That glass floor on the skyscraper the kid is on? I’d have no problem with that. So long as my feet are planted firmly and what I’m standing on is stable, I don’t care how far off the ground I am.

What I am afraid of, and I’m coming to realize just how debilitating it’s becoming– is falling. Falling literally any distance. I have had recliners or chairs shift suddenly underneath me and had a fit. I’m not bothered by skyscrapers but you put me a foot off the ground on anything rickety and I turn into a shuddery mess.

So, the bike.

I said this yesterday, but I have officially confirmed that it is possible to forget how to ride a bike. It is even possible to forget how to get on to a bike. I literally looked it up on YouTube last night. I had three problems yesterday: one, general not wanting to fall, because I really do have to relearn this skill from scratch, and two, a general paranoia about the possibility that anyone could see me while I am getting over this ridiculous fear.

I managed to get on the bike and make it move twice. The first time I made it about six feet and then realized right away that I didn’t have the seat tightened enough, because it was changing angles underneath me. So I stopped and fixed that.

The second time, I made it almost to the foot of the driveway, which is on a very slight slope, before HOLY SHIT TOO FAST NOT IN CONTROL kicked in and I had to stop again, and at that point I was done for the night. I need to go around and tell all my neighbors to leave town for a couple of days while I straighten this out; I don’t need my fat ass showing up on TikTok because the teenagers next door noticed me panicking in my own Goddamned driveway.

(If your first impulse is to be nice to me about this, feel free to squash it. This is ridiculous. I am a grown man and I need to get over my bullshit and learn how to ride this bike, and I will continue to mock myself in public until my morale improves.)


11:11 AM, Thursday June 4: 1,854,476 confirmed cases and 107,235 Americans dead. I figure we’ll be at two million cases in, what? A week? Less?

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