My college hair was glorious.
My girlfriend in high school thought I would look better with longer hair, so I started growing it out during my senior year and basically never stopped. By my senior year of college my hair was mid-back length and, amazingly, wavy as fuck— I was a Jewish Studies major among a couple other things and there was a running joke that I could easily pass for an orthodox Jew if I just tucked a couple of ringlets in front of my ears and put on a properly conservative hat.
I spent a good chunk of the summer after graduation on an archaeological dig in Israel, and decided just before leaving for the trip that heading out to dig in the desert with an extra fifteen pounds of hair on my head was not what I wanted to do. So I went to a barber and had him trim me down to a “normal” haircut, which lasted about another year until I shaved my head for the first time and I’ve basically been doing that ever since.
But yeah. That first haircut. The first thing I had him do was pull my hair into a ponytail and then cut the ponytail off in one fell swoop. I then, for no good reason other than that I thought it would be funny, mailed the ponytail to my mother, who had spent years occasionally politely hinting that perhaps my hair was a bit too long.
This backfired when my mother received a bundle of my hair in the mail and, despite the handwriting on the envelope being mine, immediately concluded that I had been kidnapped, and, this being pre-cellphone by a few years, wasn’t able to quickly get ahold of me to confirm that I was actually still alive and putting up with Samson joke after Samson joke after Samson joke from all of my fucking Religious Studies-ass friends.
She still has the ponytail. This happened in 1998.
When I got home from work last night, there was a large envelope in the mail addressed to me. I thought the handwriting on the envelope was my mom’s, but it was dark outside– we are well into the part of the year where I’m working from cain’t see in the morning to cain’t see at night– and the envelope didn’t appear to have anything in it, and I had just seen my mother the night before and she hadn’t mentioned mailing me anything, so what the fuck is going on here?
I generally open my mail in the garage going into the house, since the recycling bin is right there and I can trash all the junk mail before going inside. Ten seconds later I was laughing so loud that my wife heard me from inside the house.
This may be a good time to point out that Mom’s going through a course of chemotherapy at the moment. Don’t panic; she’s gonna be fine. But this is what was in the envelope:
That, my friends, is the final punchline to a twenty-year-old joke.
Nicely played, Mom.