Creepy Children’s Programming Reviews: POKEMON

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You may have heard of this show.

My son has, in the last few months, become entirely obsessed with… whatever the fuck these things are.  They come in types, apparently, Water and Fighting and Nonsense and Flatulent and Clown and probably a few others I’m unaware of.  And they live in little plastic balls, except for the little yellow one, who won’t go in the ball.  And they only come out of the ball when it’s time to fight each other, which they are willing to do at any time and for any reason.

Except, see, they don’t know how to fight.  They have no fucking idea how to fight even though fighting is literally the only thing they’re for, or at least it’s the only thing they’re for once they go in the ball.  The ones out of the balls seem to live perfectly normal wildlifey sort of lives.  So they need people to tell them how to fight.  All of their moves have names and they have “trainers” who tell them, step-by-step, how to fight each other. Picture somebody outside a boxing ring hollering at a boxer to “Use Jab!” and “Duck!” and “Use Roundhouse!” or “Use Spousal Abuse!” and you have the basic idea.

The main character is a homeless orphan named Ash.  His last name is Ketchum, because his job is to catch all of the Pokémon– to catch ’em— and this show is nothing if not fucking subtle.  He only has one set of clothes and his electric rat lives on his shoulder.  He literally wanders around in the woods with his friends and looks for other electro-rats and fire-bears and flatulence-sloths and such and he finds them and he makes them fight his electro-rat or whatever and then if he beats them he gets to stuff them into a ball and keep them.

I think.  It’s hard to pay attention to if you’re grown.

Then there’s these assholes:

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These are… the bad guys, I think?  They seem to really want the electro-rat.  So maybe they want to steal him, or something, or maybe they just want a different electro-rat to go with their weird horn-cat thing they have, I don’t know.  But here’s the thing: there are eleventy fifteen thousand different versions of Pokémon.  There’s Pokemon XY and Pokemon Black and Pokemon Silver and a bunch of movies named after individual Pokébeasts and all sorts of shit.  And I’m pretty sure these three are in every one?

And every time they show up on screen they introduce themselves with the same rhyme.  

I’m pretty sure that this is actually supposed to be happening in the real world.  Not, like, in their heads or some shit like that.

Try and imagine knowing these people, and every time you see them they have to introduce themselves with this stupid fucking rhyme.  Each and every single time.

These may be the most annoying people in the history of television, and we live in a world with Super Why.

2 thoughts on “Creepy Children’s Programming Reviews: POKEMON

  1. Ahhh, I’m part of the original Pokemon generation. At some point I could have named all 150 (there’s way more now). Looking back, I think the most f’ed up thing is how Mrs. Ketchum is totally fine with her son who’s like 10 just setting out on his own to wander around and beat up small animals. Because his dad did it, too, or something. Also, I would guess she’s having a fling with Professor Oak, who btw is a terrible scientist and should not be allowed to mentor children.

    And yet, I am totally looking forward to watching this show with my future kid. 😀

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  2. My 13yo is still obsessed, as are his friends, and when the National Phil gave a concert of 20 years of Pokemon music, there were adults there in costume cheering for hours. Oh yeah, I was there.
    Grasping for the positive, am hoping my kid’s ability to remember all eight gazillion different Pokemon, in their various types and many levels of evolution, am hoping this means he’ll develop a killer memory and someday use it for good in the REAL world. Like maybe he’ll appear on Jeopardy or he’ll become a biologist and memorize the names of every plant and fish that ever existed or something else, something else really useful.
    In the meantime, hubby occasionally engages in Pokemon battles with the kid. I do not.
    But, I mean, maybe your son’s obsession will end soon. Any day now…

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