The more you know: Essential addendum

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Maybe an hour after eating the Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket Sandwich, you start sweating Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket Sandwich Sweat out of the pores of your nose, which is not a terribly pleasant experience.  Note that the Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket Sandwich is not actually terribly oily (I’m blaming the gouda, for no damn good reason) so the Brisket Sweats I’ve been experiencing for the last couple of hours are both confusing and somewhat inexplicable.

Perhaps this is one of those rare “wash your face after eating” types of sandwiches.

Oh: fingers, also.  My fingers smell like brisket. I swear I’m generally clean.  It’s the sandwich.

Still tasty, though.

The more you know

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First, a brief public service announcement:  the Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket Sandwich is… how do you say it?  “Mad tasty, yo?”  Is that right?  I think that’s how the kids talk nowadays.  What I mean to say is that I enjoyed eating it.

People who respond to this by suggesting that I should buy a smoker and make my own brisket and stop eating brisket from Arby’s are going to be alternately mocked, ignored, or set on fire, depending on my mood, just so you know.  🙂

(The young ladies in the picture to the right are not eating an Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket Sandwich; that appears to be some sort of cheeseburger.  Hey, it’s what Google gave me.  Blame Google.  Not me.)

Public service announcement ends.


Apparently we have hit the point where all of the students who understand that I break up fights immediately and prejudicially have left the building, because I’ve broken up three in the gym so far this year, after going an entire school year without having to do it once.  The one yesterday was particularly bad since the rest of the seventh and eighth grade girls behaved as if they were at a goddamned WWE match, causing me to hold every last one of their asses in the gym after dismissing everyone else and read them the riot act, including the phrase “I am sick of your shit.”  While it might surprise you given my vocabulary in other situations, I don’t often swear (by which I mean, I almost never swear) in front of my kids, and when I do do it, it’s fully calculated and for effect one hundred percent of the time.  “I am sick of this,” they wouldn’t have heard.  I am sick of your shit made it into every teenage skull in the room.  I dispelled another situation this morning before it escalated to the level of a fight, and I think I was able to do that mostly because of the tongue-lashing from yesterday.

Hopefully, tomorrow will slide by with little to no drama.

He said.

(An aside:  I’ve been listening to Gnarls Barkley while writing this– I’m not a huge fan and don’t listen to the CD often, but it popped into my head the other day so it’s still up on iTunes.  One of their songs begins with someone chanting “wake up wake up,” which reminded me that I really like Bone Thugz-n-Harmony, and now I’m listening to 1st of tha Month.  Which kind of entertains me.  Also: Your rent’s due, motherfucker.)

(A second aside: One of the tags on this post was suggested by WordPress, and I’m predicting this post gets twice as many views as normal because of it.  See if you can guess which one!)

I think that’s about it so I’m going to close with a picture of Seth Greene and his wife, because HOW THE HELL IS THAT HIS WIFE.

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Yeah, I give up

It was a really long day and it got longer once I got home.  Terribly sorry; no post today.

Oyster review, sorta: On libraries and ebooks, part 2

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It is surprisingly difficult to find a good-looking picture featuring oysters.

I got my invitation email for the Oyster app a couple of days ago.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out both the link on the phrase “Oyster app” back there (man, is that how the Interwebs work?) or take a look at this post from last week.  They got my invite to me within a couple of days, so at least right now there’s no Mailbox-style queue of six million people in front of you when you try to sign up for the service.  It may get longer as/if they get more popular but right now it’s no big deal.

Signup was relatively quick and easy.  There’s no way to just do a trial run on the software– if you want to use it at all you have to pony up the $10 for the first month’s access– but at least signing up was relatively painless.  Once you’ve chosen a login (it used my email address; I don’t know if you can change that and do a username) and a password it prompts you to create a profile and offers to hook itself to your Facebook account.  I declined both opportunities, so right now all the program knows about me is my email address and password.  Oh, and my credit card number.  I don’t know what it tries to do for you if you hook it to Facebook; I don’t plan to find out.

At that point it takes you to a screen with maybe fifty or so books on it and asks you to choose five you want to read.  It’s pretty specific that it wants you to choose from those; I don’t think you can search yet.  I decided on one book that is on my Amazon wish list and is therefore likely to be purchased by me sooner or later (Time Reborn, by Lee Smolin) and four books that have crossed my radar at some point or another but that I’m not ever going to actually buy unless they’re great:  Life of Pi, by Yann Martel; Water for Elephants, by Sara Gruen; Rosemary’s Baby by Ira Levin and Game Change by John Heilemann.

I didn’t actually try to read any of them.

I decided the other day I wanted to reread Lord of the Flies.  After pawing through my bookshelves for a while I decided that I didn’t own it (I was pretty sure I didn’t, but figured it was worth looking) and figured that I’d use it as my first Oyster book when the app finally decided to let me download it.  So after it downloaded my first five books, I searched for Lord of the Flies.

It’s not available.

“Huh,” I thought, and looked through the first few pages of Rosemary’s Baby to see how the books actually looked.  You can choose a few different skins, change the text size, and change the brightness.  There’s no immediately obvious way to save the page you’re on, so I assume it autosaves that when you quit the application or switch books.  I closed it and downloaded it on my iPad (there’s no native iPad version but you can still use the iPhone version) and discovered that it does remember your books that you’ve downloaded but doesn’t actually save your page across apps.  While I won’t be doing much reading on my iPhone, even compared to the minimal use an ereader will get on the iPad, this is still a dumb omission.  There’s clearly some sort of cloud-based account saving going on somewhere or the second app would have no idea what books I had on the first one.  Page numbers should be included too.

And, other than opening it up to get author names for this post, I haven’t opened the app since.  Maybe if it had had LotF I might have read that by now; maybe not.  Clearly I still don’t like ebooks very much.

(This is why it’s “sorta” a review, by the way.)


As the weather gets colder I’m doing more and more of my grading at OtherJob, since there are fewer customers this time of year.  Our gradebook software basically demands that I have my laptop with me for this– there’s an app but it absolutely sucks and the spreadsheet style of the gradebook program kinda demands a laptop-sized screen.

My laptop is starting to shit out on me, and this is incredibly annoying.  I don’t understand how I can get four or five years out of a desktop easily but it’s a miracle if a laptop lasts longer than two or three.  I can afford a new laptop right now in the strictest sense of the word “afford” but it’s a really stupid idea and I don’t want to do it.  Do not do this to me, technology.  I’m not in the damn mood right now.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS

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I can’t even what god NO POST TODAY CANNOT BRAIN ANYMORE

In which your book sucks and you probably do too

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Here’s how to write a book I’m not going to like:

  • Start with what sounds like a promising premise.  No, really– I’ll not like your book more if I originally thought I was going to enjoy it, and I have to start reading your book before I can realize how bad it is.  So you actually need to do something cool with at least the basic setting of your book to get me to pick it up in the first place.  Don’t worry– I like lots of different kinds of things, so “interesting setting” isn’t actually that high of a bar to clear.  Alternatively, have someone I like and/or respect recommend your book, or even just catch me in the right mood and I’ll start reading.
  • Once you’ve got your basic setting, don’t do any more thinking about it at all.  It may be that bits of your setting don’t quite make basic sense.  That’s okay!  People who like for their fantasy books to hang together coherently are few and far between, and besides, why would you want to overthink things?  Just say whatever you want.  So long as it’s badass, it’s okay, right?
  • Women don’t read books, and neither do men who like women, so there’s no reason to pay any attention to your female characters, make them realistic, or really use them as anything other than sex objects and/or punching bags.  Sometimes at the same time!
  • Rape is Realistic, which means it’s okay to have it in your book all the goddamn time.  Pay no attention to the part where “realism” is not demanded in any other aspect of your writing.  Women Back Then had to worry about being raped, so the male characters in your book should all be rapists and the women should all worry about rape all the time– unless they’re sluts, in which case it’s impossible to rape them anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s list the sins of Peter V. Brett’s The Warded Man:

  • It’s actually pretty well-written on a sentence-by-sentence, paragraph-by-paragraph level.  This actually ends up being critical to getting me to hate it, because had it been poorly written in addition to being crap (let’s assume for the sake of argument that we can actually treat these as being separate characteristics) I would have abandoned it much earlier and thus it would not have had the chance to piss me off as much as it did.
  • The setting is thus:  There are demons in the world, called Corelings, and they come up out of the ground every night to wreak havoc on the world and Kill All Humans!  The world is thus very dangerous to everyone, and human society is more or less on the brink of extinction.  The Corelings are winning, in other words. The sun drives them off, so daytime is safe, but being outside after dark is basically fatal.  Corelings can be driven away by use of a set of magical symbols called Wards, but Wards can be fragile (step on one, and it loses its magic, for example) and making them correctly is difficult.  This is actually a decently intriguing setup for a novel and got me about halfway through the book.  However?
  • He didn’t put a single damn second of thought into it beyond that.  You know what every human habitation would have if the world worked like this?  Walls.  You’d build the walls before you put buildings inside them, and you’d carve your wards into something as permanent as possible and put them on the walls.  Portable rope-and-board warding circles exist, so if you were trying to build a settlement at Point B you could put most of the wall together at Point A and then transport it so that you could get them set up quickly.
  • Clothing would have wards on it– if wards couldn’t be worked into cloth for some reason, people would be wearing more permanent garments– helmets, for example, or maybe bracers of some kind– that could have wards carved into them.  The author appears to have never thought of this idea, which I started wondering about maybe twenty pages into the book.  The idea’s really obvious, honestly; you’d think he’d at least have had a sentence or two where he explained why this can’t work.
  • Corelings can’t rise through worked stone.  This would tend to suggest that most towns at least have a central area with cobblestones so someplace is safe from them.  They don’t.
  • “Hey, what about tattoos?” you might be thinking right about now, having learned about this scenario two minutes ago.  It apparently took hundreds of years of being constantly killed by these things before one of the main characters comes up with the idea of actually tattooing a ward onto himself.  Which not only works, but turns him into a demon-fighting ninja straight out of a Rob Liefeld comic book from 1995.  And a thoroughly dislikeable one, too, even though previously he was an interesting character.  Sadly, HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD!!! which means he smolders with generic rage.
  • In addition to the defensive wards (one of which, by the way, inexplicably hardens glass to be like steel, even though every other ward does something to demons) there are offensive wards that you can put on weapons to help you fight demons; otherwise, they’re basically invulnerable.  They were lost, though– all of them, so long ago that many people don’t believe they existed, even though none of the defensive wards were lost.  This is both possible and makes sense… somehow.  Until the main character finds a spear in a tomb, cracks the wards, pledges to start making weapons with those wards for everyone, and then… just doesn’t, for some reason, in favor of becoming Tattooed Demon Batman.
  • There are three main characters.  One is Tattooed Demon Batman.  The other is boring.  The third is a girl, with big tits, who spends the entire book avoiding rapists– like, literally, at one point she surreptitiously doses a guy’s food with some sort of impotence drug because she’s traveling with him (not a lot of room in a tent inside a portable ward ring) and she knows he’s going to rape her.  He’s real open about it– if she needs his help, she’s giving up some nappy dugout.  Charmingly, after spending the entire night trying to fuck her and being unable to get it up, he tells her he’ll kill her if she tells anyone about it.  This doesn’t stop her from considering asking him to help her again later on in the book.
  • With about a hundred pages left, she’s brutally gangraped.  For no fucking reason at all other than apparently Peter Brett figured something awful needed to happen to her.  Did I mention she was a virgin?  Because of course she was.
  • Ten pages after that (maybe not exactly, but close enough) she fucks Tattooed Demon Batman, who she’s just met, because that’s what rape victims do.  Tattooed Demon Batman and Other Boring Dude kill two of the three rapists by stealing their warding circle (roll with it) but the book makes sure to mention that the big scary one of the three rapists doesn’t appear to be among the bodies.
  • Throw in several chapters of slut-shaming, too, and three mothers– one a cheating, emasculating harridan and two whose purposes in the narrative are to die horribly so that their sons can feel bad about it.  The only semi-positive female character is a Wise Old Crone.  No, really, I’m serious.

This book fucking sucked and you should not read it, and Peter V. Brett should feel bad for having written it.  The worst bit is that I could easily keep complaining for another thousand words but the boy just woke up so I have to go.

I’d part with my childhood but no one wants it

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Semi-serious question: anybody wanna buy about four or five thousand comic books?

I’ve been collecting comic books since I was nine years old.  Never once in that time have I actually gotten rid of any, and I’m finally hitting the point lately where I really don’t think that my current collection is going to be sustainable for much longer.  Mind you, this is not an “I want to stop buying comic books” post– I don’t.  I just don’t feel like I need to have all the ones that I currently have for any longer.  I’ll probably end up holding on to maybe fifteen to twenty percent of my collection out of sentimental or story value, but most of what’s left I feel like I can get rid of fairly painlessly.

The problem is I don’t want to just throw them away, and any other method of getting rid of comic books doesn’t actually work very well.  There’s basically no market in back issue comics any longer– search Ebay for “comic book lots” and you’re going to get a wasteland, although I can’t really believe Ebay is still in business anyway, so maybe that’s not worth much as a data point– and for the most part I don’t have any books that have massively inflated values over whatever their cover price is anyway.  My local comic shop doesn’t want them, at least partially because for the last seven years they sold them to me, and they certainly don’t want them back.  Libraries won’t deal with comics, and at that point I sort of run out of ideas.  Pawn shops?  I kinda doubt it.  Secondhand places?  The nostalgia store in the mall?  I’d be surprised.

What’s triggering this is that if I want to keep my collection in any sort of reasonable shape I need to go through and rebox everything about once a year or so.  Now, I can just buy new boxes as I go and toss shit into them, but that means that if I ever actually want to find anything ever again it would take eons.  I have sixteen longboxes and three shortboxes– so call it seventeen longboxes– of comic books; a longbox holds about three hundred books, give or take.

(Just did the math.  The first sentence of this post originally said “three thousand.”  Gah.)

Anyway, if I want them to be in any kind of order where I can actually find them again, about once a year I have to buy a couple of new boxes and then spend a day or two interfiling all the stuff I’ve bought over the course of the past year into the collection– which is complicated as hell, because there’s never remotely enough room in the boxes I have, and I have to sort of start from one end and work my way back, moving every single comic I own at least once while I’m putting the new stuff in with the older books.  It’s a bloody obnoxious mess and it becomes more obnoxious every year.  And judging from the two four-inch-high stacks on my desk and the three full shortboxes next to me, I need to do it again like right now if I don’t want to be buried in these things– and I really don’t want to be buried in these things.

I should stash them all in the basement and not worry about it, but I’m worried that if I do that it would trigger an immediate basement flood– it’s too humid down there for comic books as is– and I’d rather throw them away then lose them in some sort of home disaster.  Which is probably kinda stupid but whatever, that’s how my brain works.

So, yeah.  Anybody planning on opening a comic book store and want some quick back-issue stuff?  Hit me up.  Or just come over and steal a bunch of them.  If you can get past the dogs you can have them.

Just leave me my Iron Man books.  Those, I’m never giving up.

In which I am listening to Nappy Roots

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Let’s begin now.

Have some pretty flowers.  At least, this is what Google gives you when you google “pretty flowers.”  (Image credit.)

Okay.  Today was better.  At no point today did I wish to resign, storm out of the building in a high dudgeon, or annihilate any other living being who I work with or am responsible for in any way.  That’s progress!  Days without rage are good, and as you could probably tell from yesterday’s post that day was rather high on rage.  Better is good.  I got things done today!  Things that have been nagging at the back of my brain for weeks, and only emerging into full remembrance when it’s been much too late for me to actually do anything about it!

I have my ISTEP scores, by the way, which is unrelated to yesterday’s issues.  Short version:  I’m happy, personally.  I’m not going into building level stuff right now and may not go into building stuff at all here, as it makes it too easy to locate precisely where I work and I’d prefer not to do that.  I’ll have to figure out how to write the post if I do.  But personally I’m happy.  More details of some kind later.

(Fifteen minutes of staring at the screen later)

I’m apparently lacking in things to say today.  Despite how bad yesterday went, I’m doing a pretty good job of keeping to my “don’t yell at kids” promise this year.  I had that one moment with one kid (I think I talked about it here; if not I’ll come back and edit, because it’s kind of a funny story) but other than that I’ve done really well.  Even the reading of the riot act that occurred this morning (complete with rearranging the desks and new seating charts for my first and second hour classes, which were the main sources of my bad mood yesterday, although by far the only ones) was done largely through tone and without raising my voice.  Today we managed to remember that, hey, we’ve sorta done math before, once or twice at least, and maybe a fraction isn’t some sort of alien life form that no one has ever seen or expected us to convert into a decimal before.

So, yeah.  Point is: better day.  Hopefully yours went okay too.


Ha!  I didn’t tell that story.  I love my homeroom, right?  They’re wonderful kids and I would keep them forever and ever if I could, but sadly they’re only my homeroom and I don’t have them all day like I did last year.  I have duty in the gym in the morning, so often my girls are already waiting at my door for me when I get to homeroom– my unofficial rule is that I don’t care when the bell rings, if you beat me down to my room (which, remember, is out in the sticks) then you’re not tardy to class.  Anyway, one day a week or two ago I’m letting the girls into my classroom when I hear a piercing, blood-freezing scream from one of them– a kid who I like a lot but who could very justifiably be accused of being slightly high-strung.

I spin around.  Note that at this point I’m not even raising my voice.  “Nefertiti, what in the world is wrong?”

She points at the tiniest arachnid ever, which is toddling across the carpet and minding its own damn business.  She’s still shrieking.

“THERE’S A SPIDER!!!!”

At this point I lost my temper a little bit, I admit it– I don’t like horrifying piercing noises first thing in the morning, and drilling my ears for no reason is worse— and I snapped at her– loudly– before I really even realized I was doing it.

“Child, unless that stupid thing has laser beams coming out of its eyes that I need to know about, you’d better leave it alone and get your butt into my classroom before the bell rings.”

And that was it.  I’ve yelled at one kid this year and it referenced spiders shooting laser beams.

I think I can live with it.