Oh come the hell on

Okay, damn it, I get it, logistics decisions that make sense on a nationwide level often don’t make sense on a specific, individual package level, and these large shipping companies have to make decisions that make sense on a nationwide level.

But I cannot help but notice that this package, which sat in a warehouse in California for five days after being received, was originally supposed to be here yesterday, then was rescheduled to today, and now has been rescheduled to tomorrow, appears to have been routed completely around where I live.

I assume that you will not look askance upon me if I reveal that I find this fact moderately frustrating. There is nothing especially important in the package; it’s not, like, insulin or something, and I’m not being harmed by having to wait an extra day or two for it. But if it’s in Chicago the day before it’s supposed to be in South Bend and you know that for some reason it has to go to Indianapolis and then to Detroit before coming to South Bend, which is in between Chicago and Detroit, maybe you update your scheduled arrival then? And then maybe don’t keep insisting it’ll arrive by 2:45 on that day right until the moment where that is temporally impossible?

In other Stupid But Annoying news, the last time I bought a new watch band for my Apple Watch at the beginning of the school year it got stuck while I was installing it, and I’ve never been able to remove it. The band is starting to look more than a little raggedy but I still can’t get the sumbitch off, and I am going through this spectacularly stupid mental calculus where I’m starting to seriously consider buying a new watch rather than continue to deal with this nonsense. I’ve had the old watch for over four years and I feel like I’ve gotten my money’s worth out of it, but that sort of means that I’m buying a new, $500-800 watch depending on the options I choose because a thirty dollar band is stuck, and that also is on my last damn nerve.

(Why the hyperexpensive option? Because the stainless steel case and the sapphire glass screen are what are on this watch, and four years after buying the damn thing and wearing it 20 hours a day there is not a single mark anywhere on it. No scratches, no paint chips, no dents, no nothing. The stainless steel case with the sapphire glass screen are indestructible, and I don’t know how close the cheaper model comes to that ideal. I don’t like scratches on my watch.)

So, yeah. I’m having a Day. How are you?

(EDITED TO ADD: I just received a helpful text message from FedEx informing me– no, two helpful text messages from FedEx!– informing me that my package has been rescheduled to Thursday, 03/11. Which is … today.)

In which I am a dummy dumb-dumb dummyfacehead

You are looking at the interior of the cabinet under the sink in the master bathroom. Ignore the terrible wallpaper in the back; it’s not my fault, I didn’t put it there. There’s probably four more layers underneath it, too.

Several months ago– I don’t know how many; it could have been a year for all the fuck I know– Sushi climbed under there and somehow managed to collapse that shelf. It has been collapsed and lying at an angle for a very, very long time, and it has annoyed me every single fucking time I have looked at it during that time. Now, granted, this isn’t terribly often, as I don’t need to open the cabinet very frequently, but there’s some shit we’ve just been keeping on top of the vanity for all this time because the shelf was collapsed.

Why haven’t I fixed it? Laziness, and the fact that I am old and fat and absolutely loathe having to sit on the floor. But I have resolved for every single fucking weekend for months to get down there, figure out what was broken, replace it, and get that Goddamn shelf fixed. I figured I might have to find some pegs she knocked loose and put them back in place; the worst-case scenario was that one of them was actually broken and I’d have to make a quick run to the hardware store to buy a dowel or something. But I didn’t want to crawl around on the floor, didn’t want to dig around in that cabinet– it’s deep; I can’t reach the back of it without sticking my head inside– and I am, again, incredibly lazy.

I finally, tonight, managed to get my fat ass on the ground in front of it, OutKast playing on my phone, convinced that come hell and high water I was going to fix this fucking shelf.

Which involved picking it up and placing it on top of that dark brown support on the right there, which is screwed into the wall. The two pieces of perpendicular white wood are glued & screwed and aren’t coming apart.

It took ten seconds.

It took longer for me to stand up once I was done than it did to fix the fucking shelf.

No pegs. No bent nails or screws. Not even anything with any weight or requiring any real application of muscle power. I just picked the fucking thing up and put it back on the shelf. I mean, it might fall off again at some point, especially if a cat decides to wedge herself into that corner again. I could screw it in place, I suppose. But I’ve been putting this job off for months and it took ten seconds.

Fucksake.

In which this may as well happen

Every class I have came at me today. I have had rougher days in my career, certainly– much rougher, in fact– but this was still a pretty goddamn rough day.

My 7th hour is my toughest class, by a longshot. They are also my last group of the day, which is not a bad thing for your worst group of the day to be. I had to start each of my 8th grade classes reading them the riot act about an epidemic of cheating and copying assignments that’s been going on lately, and went from that directly into the lesson for the day. Honestly, it was going well, not just “going well for 7th hour” but actually going well, until one of my kids randomly decided to lose his fucking mind because he thought somebody threw something at him. The big problem with this class is that they’re always on a razor’s edge and the slightest little thing can throw the room into complete chaos, and by the time I got the mind-loser out of the room (cussing and swearing the entire time) I literally had five or six of them on the fucking floor laughing.

So, more riot act. Amazingly, they more or less pulled together again, and even some of the floor-rollers came up for help on the assignment and actually paid attention while I was explaining what they needed to do and corrected a couple of misunderstandings. Like, I’ll take it, right? I had to toss somebody from damn near every other class I had today; if I get through my roughest group with only one kid out I’ll call it a win.

And then someone asked to go get some water. There’s a drinking fountain immediately outside my classroom so so long as I’m not actively instructing the answer to this question is almost always yes. I tell him he can go get some water and move on to the next thing, and the next thing I know there are five kids clustered around the door for some reason.

I investigate.

“The door’s locked.”

“The door doesn’t lock from the inside, guys. Quit screwing around, and everybody who doesn’t have permission for water go sit down.”

“No, really, the door won’t open.”

Uh.

So I go check. And I discover two things: one, no, the fucking door won’t open, and two, the kid who I sent out of the room and thought had gone directly to the office has instead gone outside of the classroom, sat down, and started quietly doing his assignment, like, when the hell did you calm down? And at first I think he’s sitting against the door or has a foot in front of it or something (there’s a window in the door, to be clear) but he sort of backs away and holds his hands up and he’s obviously not doing anything.

I call the office.

“You’re gonna love this,” I say. I hear a pained sigh from the other end. “I’m in my classroom, and–”

I get interrupted. “Let me guess,” the person on the other side says. “Your door is locked and you can’t get out.”

“I have many students in here with me,” I say, temporarily suppressing my urge to say how the fuck did you know that. “Please come rescue us.”

They dispatch a custodian. Who is unable to extricate us from the room. He starts popping the pins out on the hinges.

You can probably imagine what the kids were doing.

The bell rings. We are unable to go anywhere. The hinges are unpinned but we still can’t get the door open.

One of the kids suggests calling 911. All of them have goddamn cell phones. I squash this idea with a quickness.

It is ten minutes past the bell. There are now multiple adults outside trying to get the door open. Everyone in the room is now massively late to class and I am waiting for either a fight to break out or someone to decide that they need to pee.

(Honestly, it is shocking that “I need to pee and I am the center of the universe so my need to pee is the only thing anyone can discuss” is not part of this story.)

And then– after this has been going on for twenty minutes, and I have repeatedly vacillated between this is actually kind of hilarious if you think about it and bone-shaking anger, and while I am finding myself genuinely grateful that I decided to go on brain drugs when I did, there is a new ruckus. A ruckus happening at my desk.

As the door between my classroom and the science room next door, the door that I had utterly forgotten about because I put a cart with my printer on it in front of it and it is never used for any reason, the door that the janitor had also clearly forgotten about, the door that none of the 30-some-odd kids in the room has noticed, as that door opens up, shoving the cart and my printer out of the way, and the science teacher, with a giant shit-eating grin on his face, sticks his head into my room and says “Hey, guys, whatcha doing?”

And then there was a stampede, and I’m pretty sure no one died.

I have a stupid job.

The end.

In which I eat incorrectly

Pictured: not my poke bowl.

I went to the deli at my local supermarket for lunch today, and noticed that they have poke bowls as a food option now. Poke (pronounced po-keh, which I didn’t know until I started searching for images) is basically deconstructed sushi in a bowl, only with a few other ingredients (in mine, cucumbers and tomatoes, for example) that typically aren’t found in most sushis.

I grabbed a tasty-looking poke bowl and some grapes and a Pepsi and headed to a table to eat my food. Now, this is important: I’ve gotten pretty good with chopsticks, to the point where I really don’t have to pay attention any longer when I’m eating with them, and I had a very busy afternoon ahead of me (I’m still taking half days every day due to the Ongoing Medical Disaster my family is experiencing) so I really wasn’t paying attention to what I was eating. I mixed everything up to what I thought was a satisfactory degree, removing the pile of ginger slices from the bowl as I went, tossed some soy sauce on top of it, and went to town. This is rice and tuna and salmon and some vegetables and a few stray pieces of fruit. It’s light and delicious. I don’t need to pay attention. I was looking at my phone and planning out the optimal order for the ten thousand things I had to do this afternoon. My brain was elsewhere.

And then, because I wasn’t paying attention, and because it was hidden under a Goddamn pile of lettuce and cucumbers rather than being somewhere where I could see it, I put an entire fucking ball of wasabi into my mouth without realizing what I was doing.

And. Well.

So, first of all: don’t eat an entire ball of wasabi.

Second: if you do eat an entire ball of wasabi, just suck it up and spit it out onto something and then quietly clean it up the mess you made, burning with shame the entire time.

Third: if you don’t spit it out, because spitting out mouthfuls of food in public is not something you do, don’t panic and fucking try and use the Pepsi you bought for a drink to cut the heat. It’s not going to fucking work.

Pepsi, as it turns out, when poured onto a mouthful of fucking wasabi, has a reaction not far from the reaction Diet Coke and Mentos do, only in this scenario, the Mentos are made of pain and suffering and fire.

I got it all down without vomiting or spitting a mountain of wasabi and aspirated cola all over the dining area. I don’t know how. And then, tears streaming down my face and my nose running and visibly fucking suffering, I went up to the poor fuckers at the checkout line nearby and told them to go have a word with the goddamn sushi chef and tell him that I was mostly blaming myself for this disaster but that he should never hide a pile of wasabi in a poke bowl again.

You put that shit on top, where motherfuckers can see it.

It wasn’t a good day.

I did finish the rest of the bowl, but only after making sure there wasn’t any more goddamned wasabi hidden anywhere.

In which @amazonhelp doesn’t help

middle-finger-poster-flag-6185-pI’ve been ordering shit from Amazon for twenty years.  I’m a Prime member and I own a quite frankly ridiculous number of books.  I probably place orders with these guys 40-45 times a year, and the vast majority of the time everything is absolutely fine.  I can think of one time where I’ve had major issues with them, and that one probably counted more as a comedy of errors than anyone being particularly malicious or ignorant.

Not so much, this one.

I need a bunch of books for this author expo I’m going to on Sunday.  I have zero copies of Searching for Malumba and less than three each of Benevolence Archives, Vol. 3, Balremesh and other stories, and Benevolence Archives, Vol. 1.  

I ordered new books– 29 of them, I think– on August 27.  The original date range I was supposed to receive them in was the 9th to the 12th of November.  I figured that was okay at first, since I’ve noticed CreateSpace orders often ship much earlier than they’re expected to.  If it didn’t ship right away, I’d just pay more for shipping.

By the 2nd– last Friday– they hadn’t shipped yet.  No big surprise, again; I just upgraded to two-day delivery and the system immediately updated that I’d have everything on the 7th– Wednesday, two days ago.

Wednesday night, I realized I didn’t have my books yet.  In fact, I hadn’t even gotten a shipping notification.  I’m normally more on the ball about this sort of shit, but you may remember an election Tuesday that sort of took up most of my mental energy.  I called Amazon, who blamed my credit card being funny (not in a “you don’t have the money for this” sort of way, but in a “the charge didn’t go through and we don’t know why,” like it was a technical issue as opposed to a funds thing.)  They told me to switch my payment method, I did, the person on the other end seemed pleased, and told me the books would ship Thursday and I’d have them Friday.

“Check back with us Thursday if they haven’t shipped yet,” she says.  And I do so.  And this time, I make certain to do a chat, because those have transcripts.  This transcript has not been altered in any way other than an occasional note in italics and to change my name from my actual name to Luther.

Initial Question: I ordered 28 author copy books through whatever you’re calling CreateSpace on the 27th. On the 2nd they hadn’t shipped yet so I changed shipping to two-day, because I need them by Saturday at the latest. They said they’d arrive Wednesday (yesterday) and as of last night still hadn’t shipped. I spoke with someone at Customer Service who said my credit card was an issue (I hadn’t received notification of this from Amazon or my credit card company and wasn’t aware of it) and I changed the card. As of right now the books have still not shipped despite the delivery estimate still beginning yesterday. I need these books by the 10th at the very latest and would like confirmation that they have shipped or a date when they will.

02:09 PM PST Brenda(Amazon): Hello, my name is Brenda. I’m here to help you today. Thank you for being a Prime member.

02:09 PM PST Luther M. Siler: HI Brenda.

02:10 PM PST Brenda: I am sorry to hear about the late shipment of your order, I will help you out.

02:11 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Thank you. I’m not trying to be a jerk about this but the event I ordered the books for is the 11th, so I’m getting a bit concerned about it.

02:12 PM PST Brenda: OI understand your concern. Please allow me 2-3 minutes to check this for you.

02:12 PM PST Luther M. Siler: No problem; I’ll be here.

02:17 PM PST Brenda: Thank you for waiting, due to the initial issue, even after changing the payment information. This order is not processed. I see that you have not still been charge for it. I can cancel this order for you and place a new order using the link below and select the Saturday delivery. Please let me know the order number, I will waive off the shipping fee for you as an exception.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0990625397

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1947520016

02:18 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Okay. Question for you: because these are author copies through Kindle Direct Publishing, they are print-on-demand. Can you verify that they’ve been printed? Or is it still possible to get them printed in time to get them shipped here Saturday?

02:19 PM PST Luther M. Siler: I can’t order them through those links because I need to order the author copies.

02:19 PM PST Brenda: I see that the one that you have order are paperback.

02:19 PM PST Luther M. Siler: That is correct. They are print author copies through what used to be CreateSpace until it got rolled into KDP.

02:20 PM PST Brenda: Let me check.

02:23 PM PST Brenda: As this book are order through Kindle direct publishing, A member of the team will need to assist you on this. Please hold while I transfer you.

02:24 PM PST Abdul(Amazon): Hello, my name is Abdul. Please give me a moment to review the previous correspondence.

02:25 PM PST Abdul: Thanks for waiting.

02:25 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Thank you.

02:25 PM PST Abdul: Just to confirm are you referring to Physical books?

02:25 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Yes. I’m trying to order author copies of books that I wrote because I have a convention this weekend and would like to sell them.

02:26 PM PST Abdul: I am sorry, You are wrong department. Let me connect you to a member of our Retail team. It will only take a moment.

02:27 PM PST Amal(Amazon): Hello, my name is Amal. Please give me a moment to review the previous correspondence.

02:27 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Sure.

02:29 PM PST Amal: I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t receive your package by the estimated delivery date.

Could you please share the order number?

02:29 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Just a moment, I need to look it back up.

02:30 PM PST Luther M. Siler: (blah blah blah number)

02:31 PM PST Amal: Thank you for providing the order number.

Do you mind waiting a few moments while I look into this for you?

02:31 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Sure.

02:33 PM PST Amal: Thank you for holding.

I’m very sorry about the delay in sending your order.

While looking into this, I found a problem that was preventing your order from shipping.

This is corrected now, and your order already entered shipping process.

Also, I’d like to get your order to you faster to help make up for the delay, so I’ve upgraded the shipping method . There’s no additional charge for this.

(Luther edit: note this.  “your order already entered shipping process.”  At this point the “Arriving Wednesday” thing disappears immediately from my screen and is replaced by November 9-12.)

02:35 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Okay. When I look at the Your Orders page, it currently says “Arriving Nov. 9- Nov 12.” I absolutely must have these books by Saturday, the 10th. I ordered them for an out of town event on the 11th. Will they be here by Saturday?

02:37 PM PST Amal: Yes, Since I’ve prioritized your issue, this package is expected to be delivered within this Saturday.

02:37 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Should I expect to see a shipping notification tonight, then?

02:38 PM PST Luther M. Siler: (I appreciate your help, by the way. I just want to make sure I’m clear about everything. Thank you.)

02:39 PM PST Amal: Yes, Once the order ship out you will get a confirmation email to your email address.

02:39 PM PST Luther M. Siler: And that should happen tonight?

02:40 PM PST Amal: Yes, the package will ship out within few hours and you will get this notification email.

02:40 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Okay. I will keep an eye out for it.

02:41 PM PST Amal: We really appreciate your patience and understanding in this matter.

Is there anything else I can do for you today?

02:41 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Not at the moment, no.

02:42 PM PST Amal: Please click on the “End chat” button at the upper right corner of this window.

02:42 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Thank you, sir

All good, right?  I’m being polite, they appear to have solved my problem, check back in a few hours.

Note that the times are PST; I’m about three hours ahead of this.

Several hours later, I’ve not received a shipping notification.  I try again.  See if you can pinpoint the precise second I begin to have difficulty maintaining my calm:

Initial Question: I am trying to confirm that order number BLAH BLAH BLAH is going to ship in time to arrive at my home on or by Saturday the 10th. I have been in contact with customer service twice over the last two days about this and the gentleman I spoke with earlier today said to expect a shipping confirmation within a few hours. I have not received that confirmation.

07:01 PM PST madhavi(Amazon): Hello, my name is madhavi. I’m here to help you today.

07:01 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Hi, Madhavi.

07:02 PM PST madhavi: Severe weather caused damage to a sortation center on Friday evening. Deliveries associated with this facility are experiencing delays. 

We apologize for the inconvenience and are working to quickly resolve this issue. 

I’m sorry for the inconvenience you’ve experienced in this case.

07:03 PM PST Luther M. Siler: It’s Thursday.

So, almost a week ago?

07:04 PM PST madhavi: But still please try to understand, but still I can help you in expediting the shipping charges for you,

We certainly did not expect this to happen.Thank you for letting us know.

07:05 PM PST madhavi: I have escalated the issue to concerned depatment

07:05 PM PST Luther M. Siler: The issue isn’t the shipping charges. I placed this order on the 27th. I changed to faster shipping on the 2nd to ensure that the books were here by the 10th. I spoke with someone yesterday who blamed my credit card and someone earlier today who said that the books would ship within a few hours. No one mentioned a shipping center issue from last week.

07:06 PM PST Luther M. Siler: I don’t care about the charges. I am an author ordering author copies of my own book for an event on Sunday. I’m not trying to get a refund. I *need the books.*

The issue has already been escalated twice. 

07:06 PM PST madhavi: I don’t want to make false statements.

07:07 PM PST Luther M. Siler: I spoke with someone named Amal earlier today. Are you able to see the transcript of that conversation?

07:08 PM PST madhavi: yes, Could you please wait for 2 minutes while I look in to this?

07:08 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Yes.

07:09 PM PST madhavi: Thank you for waiting.

07:10 PM PST madhavi: I have made a note to the respective department for you and you will receive the item by tomorrow.

07:11 PM PST madhavi: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

07:12 PM PST Luther M. Siler: I’m not trying to be a jerk, Madhavi, and I know you’re doing your job and this isn’t your fault. But that’s exactly what Amal told me earlier. Did *he* set up the books to be delivered by Saturday like he said he did, or did you just now do it?

I’m not upset with you, but I am upset. This is the 3rd different reason I’ve been given for these books not being here yet.

07:14 PM PST madhavi: I totally understand your frustration, please give me a last chance to correct this, I am trying my best.

07:15 PM PST Luther M. Siler: All right. I will check back in again in the morning. Thank you for your time, I do appreciate it.

07:15 PM PST madhavi: You’re welcome. Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

07:15 PM PST Luther M. Siler: Not at the moment, no. Thank you.

07:16 PM PST madhavi: I will do my best to resolve this.

Thank you for contacting Amazon. We hope to see you again. Have a great rest of your day. Please click “End Chat” to close this window.

Okay.

So.

I wake up at 6:15 this morning, check my email, and nothing has changed. Round three! This is the point where it becomes abundantly clear that these motherfuckers have no idea at all what the hell they’re doing.

Initial Question: I placed an order for 28 CreateSpace/KDP Author Copies on the 27th of October. The original arrival date was Nov. 8-12. On the 2nd I switched the shipping to two-day to ensure I’d have them by the 10th which is now tomorrow. The arrival date was projected to be Wednesday the 7th. On the 7th they still had not even shipped. I have talked to multiple customer service reps over the last three days about these books; all have ensured me that they’ve escalated the issue and that I’d receive the books the next day. It is now the 9th and they have not shipped. I *must* have these books by tomorrow because I ordered them for an author expo on the 11th and without them I will not have stock to sell. I need to know if they are printed, why my card still hasn’t been charged, and if I am getting them by tomorrow or not.

03:29 AM PST Nandhini Devi(Amazon): Hello, my name is Nandhini Devi. I’m here to help you today.

03:29 AM PST Luther M. Siler: Hi, Nandhini.

03:30 AM PST Nandhini Devi: I’m so sorry about that.I’ll check and help you with this.

03:33 AM PST Nandhini Devi: I have checked and see that you have been placed multiple quantity for the same items. I see that the items are limited instock of our fulfilment centre. 

We already forwarded this to our supplier team we are waiting to receive more item from the supplier.Once we get mote item from the supplier we will ship and send an update by email.

I see that the order delivery date is November 9, 2018 – Monday, November 12, 2018 .

03:33 AM PST Luther M. Siler: They’re POD CreateSpace books. I’ve made this clear to everyone I’ve talked to.

03:33 AM PST Nandhini Devi: The package will be ship and delivery on or before November 12, 2018 .

03:34 AM PST Luther M. Siler: I ordered them on the *27th*. They have had more than ample time to be printed by now.

03:35 AM PST Nandhini Devi: I do understand. We will ship and delivery the package as we given delivery date.

03:35 AM PST Luther M. Siler: So have the three people who all guaranteed me that they’d be here by Saturday lied to me, then?

03:36 AM PST Nandhini Devi: I’m so sorry the agent was given incorrect details. I’ll escalate this issue to our supervisor. 

They’ll coach the agent.

03:36 AM PST Luther M. Siler: The first one blamed my credit card. The one from last night blamed weather damage at a distribution center. All three said they’d escalate the situation. You’re telling me ALL THREE lied to me?

03:36 AM PST Nandhini Devi: I assure that doesn’t happen again.

I’m so sorry about this.

03:37 AM PST Luther M. Siler: So I’ve paid for a hotel room and for a table at this expo and I’m going to have nothing to sell because Amazon couldn’t get me POD books that I ordered two weeks ago and upped the shipping speed for a week ago.

03:38 AM PST Nandhini Devi: We can able to ship and delivery the package as we promised date.If you prefer please try to buy a one quantity again with one day shipping method.I’ll waive off shipping cost. Other items will be delivered as soon as possible.

03:39 AM PST Luther M. Siler: I can’t do that because I’m buying author copies. Which I ALSO explained to previous customer service reps. 

03:39 AM PST Nandhini Devi: Okay, let me check this for you.

03:41 AM PST Luther M. Siler: Again: I had several days where your website was telling me the books would arrive on Wednesday of this week and they *never shipped*. They appear to never even have been *printed* as far as any of you can tell me.

03:41 AM PST Nandhini Devi: Thanks for waiting.

03:42 AM PST Nandhini Devi: I’ll escalate this issue to our team.They’ll check and take action on this.

The order will be shipped soon.

Once the order ships we will send an update by email.

To make inconvenience, I;ll issue a $5 promotional credit.

03:42 AM PST Luther M. Siler: Is there someone on this team that I can talk to?

03:43 AM PST Luther M. Siler: You’re the third person in a row to tell me they were going to escalate it and nothing has happened.

03:43 AM PST Nandhini Devi: I’m so sorry we don’t have an option to transfer the internal team.We can able to transfer the chat to our supervisor.

03:44 AM PST Luther M. Siler: Please do that.

03:44 AM PST Nandhini Devi: Sure, I can surely transfer this chat to our supervisor, but they will explain you the same thing. Would you still want me to transfer this chat to our supervisor?

03:44 AM PST Luther M. Siler: Yes.

03:44 AM PST Nandhini Devi: Okay.

Please give me a minute.

03:45 AM PST Jason/Supervisor(Amazon): Hello, my name is Jason one of the Supervisor here in Amazon.com. Please give me a moment to review the previous correspondence.

03:48 AM PST Luther M. Siler: You should see multiple conversations with customer service reps over the past three days.

03:48 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: Thanks for the information. Please bear with me.

03:53 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: I’m sorry to keep you waiting. It’ll just be a moment longer.

03:54 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: Thanks for waiting and I’m sorry for the hold.

03:55 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: I’m sorry to hear that your order is not yet shipped. No worries, I will do my best to help you.

By hte way, thanks for being a Prime member.

03:58 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: As per checking here on our record, I’m afraid that we don’t have a stock yet for this Seller. I’m sorry for the inconvinience this caused you. The best option that we have here is, purchase it again directly to Amazon on the website to get the item. 

03:59 AM PST Luther M. Siler: How is it possible that these books, which I ordered on the 27th, never even got printed?

04:00 AM PST Luther M. Siler: I can reorder them from the regular site, but if I do that, they’ll be much more expensive and then you’ll owe me royalties for them. These are, again, *my* books. I got 28 books for $108 because I’m ordering author copies. It will cost much much more than that if I order them straight from the site.

04:00 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: I’m afraid that the Seller don’t have it in stock and I don’t want to speculate when it will be. 

04:01 AM PST Luther M. Siler: Jason, do you actually know what createspace is? 

You keep talking about “the seller” like you guys aren’t the seller.

04:03 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: I’m sorry for the confusion. Amazon is like a Mall and we are allowing Sellers or Merchants to Sell their items and the inventory is coming from them. Amazon is the owner. To make things righ here, you may consider on ordering them and will process you a refund for the difference. I’m sorry for the information provided by the previous representatives. 

04:03 AM PST Luther M. Siler: YOU ARE THE SELLER, JASON. AMAZON PRINTS MY BOOKS. PLEASE ESCALATE ME TO SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW KDP AND CREATESPACE WORKS. THIS IS NOT A THIRD PARTY ISSUE.

04:04 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: We only fulfilled the items Luther, however, the inventory of the items are coming from a Seller. Please do understand.

04:04 AM PST Luther M. Siler: There’s currently not even a one-day option on these books any longer, because you guys have been lying to me for so long. 

04:05 AM PST Luther M. Siler: So “Amazon Digital Services, Inc.” isn’t Amazon? That’s what you’re telling me?

04:06 AM PST Luther M. Siler: You guys BOUGHT CreateSpace. You just folded it in under KDP a couple of months ago. YOU ARE THE SELLER.

04:06 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: If I relate it to myself, I can completely understand how frustrating the situation can be when something like this happens. Please accept our sincere apologies to what happened. The items on this order is sold by “MOD Non-Retail.” The one on the website now is coming from us.

04:07 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: Please place the items on the website and I will process the difference once the item ships out. 

04:11 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: I hope we are still connected Luther?

04:12 AM PST Luther M. Siler: We are

Right now I’m at $206.77 for the order and it won’t even let me add one of the books.

04:12 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: May I ask for the name of the book, please?

04:12 AM PST Luther M. Siler: Searching for Malumba. 

04:13 AM PST Luther M. Siler: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0990625370/

I need five copies of that one.

04:13 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: I understand. Thanks. Please check this link : https://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0990625370/ref=olp_f_primeEligible?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=&f_new=true&f_primeEligible=true

04:14 AM PST Luther M. Siler: Jason, it’s becoming clearer by the second that you don’t understand the issue here.

I am the author of these books. I wrote them.

04:15 AM PST Luther M. Siler: I know where every single copy Amazon ever sold has gone.

“Endless Quest” does not have any of my books. They are POD through CreateSpace.

04:16 AM PST Luther M. Siler: I ordered these books two weeks ago. You guys never charged my card, guaranteed me arrival on Wednesday, which is now two days ago, never shipped the books, and I’ve had three customer service reps in a row guarantee me escalation and shipping, none of which apparently ever happened.

You’re trying to blame a third-party seller for books that are created and printed THROUGH AMAZON and have no third-party seller.

04:17 AM PST Luther M. Siler: I had someone yesterday blame weather-related damage at a fulfillment center, something no one else has mentioned.

The first person blamed my credit card.

Is there any reason that I shouldn’t take printing of my books to Ingram Spark from here on out? 

04:17 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: I’m sorry for the confusion. The original order delivery date is Thursday, November 8, 2018 up until Monday, November 12, 2018. We are only charging you once the order ships out. There is no problem with the card, the only problem here is stocks for the items. 

04:18 AM PST Luther M. Siler: And when I changed shipping on the 2nd, why did that not get the books any faster?

And why was I told on Wednesday that my card was the issue? She had me change the card I was paying with and said that fixed the problem.

04:20 AM PST Luther M. Siler: The person I spoke to last night promised me the books would be here *today*.

I have a transcript of that conversation.

04:20 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: Our Shipping method only starts once the item ships out and not the time the order was placed. And also it depends on the availability of the items. We do have copy here, I’m sorry for the information provided by the previous representative. 

04:22 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: As I can see here, the availability of the items are “Usually ships in 8 days.” I’m afraid that I don’t have the exact information when the stocks will be coming. However, the delivery date provided is still active that you will received it up until Monday.

04:23 AM PST Luther M. Siler: Monday does me no good at all, Jason.

I need to go. I’ve been sitting here for an hour and I need to get my son up and get to work.

04:24 AM PST Luther M. Siler: I am *very* disappointed with Amazon right now. You guys have been lying to me for several days and your reps don’t understand how your own services work.

04:25 AM PST Jason/Supervisor: I understand. I’m sorry about what happened Luther. This is not our intention. My colleague submitted a report to what happened and we are going to make sure this will be prevented. 

04:25 AM PST Luther M. Siler: Eight days from the 27th still gave you plenty of time to get those books shipped. They never even got printed. That is NOT acceptable.

Especially since I escalated the shipping speed.

I need to go. I will be moving future printing of my books to another company.

Thank you.

I spent some time on the KDP forums today and they are full of people who are pissed because Amazon is doing such a shitty job– a noticeably shittier job than the company they just absorbed– getting author copies to authors.  And it is really clear, especially once I started talking with “Jason,” that the customer service people don’t have the vaguest idea what the hell Createspace was or KDP is, and the fucker decided to make shit worse by doubling down on his dumbassery rather than escalating me to someone who knew what the fuck they were talking about.

I’m gonna have to show up for this goddamn expo massively shorted on several of my books.  That really pisses me off.  And then I’m gonna have to move everything over to Ingram Spark, which is going to cost me money, but I can’t have this shit happening again.

Fucking assholes.

God help them if this fucking box isn’t here by Monday, too.