I want a Goddamn flumph.
Please understand the following about my relationship with Dungeons & Dragons:
- That, first of all, I have never been the type to use miniatures when playing D&D. I started playing 35 years ago, so this is a well-ingrained habit by now.
- That, second, I have nowhere to put a collection of D&D miniatures.
- That, third, I have played D&D maybe twice in the last year and while I think about it a lot it has not become something that I do a lot recently. If it did, I would talk about it more!
Now understand something about how WizKids does their miniature booster packs:
- They’re blind boxes, so you have no idea what is inside other than that there are going to be four things, and therefore the more you purchase the more you are guaranteed to have repeats of some figures while you are still missing others, and that short of buying them on eBay or some shit there is no way to ensure that anything in particular is in the box.
- That they are fucking expensive. Like, $5 a figure unless you get them at a steep discount. Some of them are pretty large, so it evens out, but some of them are tiny. Witness the little frog-thing on the right side of the box there.
- That they are not generally packaged well, and lots of times things like weapons are bent or broken out of the box. This is just … tolerated, apparently.
Now understand the following about my social media habit:
- I follow two– two!!— different TikTok accounts whose main function appears to be to open one of these fucking blind boxes every day, searching for a specific figure. One account has gone through thirty boxes looking for a goblin cart. $400 is not an unreasonable estimate for what those boxes cost. In fact, it’s probably low. Another lady is looking for a tyrannosaurus zombie– which, okay, who can blame her– and she’s on, like, box #21.
- That the main reason I put TikTok back on my phone was because I wanted to know if that lady had found the goblin cart yet.
Understand also that:
- I understand that all of this makes purchasing these Goddamned things a terrible fucking idea.
- That nonetheless I have a brick– a fucking brick, eight Goddamned boxes– showing up at my house tomorrow, because I want a fucking flumph.
- That despite the flumph being listed as a “common” figure, there isn’t going to be a fucking flumph in the boxes.
My ability to adult is simply gone this week, and I don’t know what the fuck to do about it.