I haven’t watched a World Cup game– sorry, match— yet, and it is entirely possible that I’ll make it through the whole thing without watching any of them, but I still have Strong Opinions about who should win. To wit:

• Oranje! My team is the Netherlands. Why? I have no clue. However, I have been consistent about this for at least three World Cups now, including at least one that they did not actually participate in. I think I just like saying Oranje.
• Sorry, not you: If the United States is one of the two teams, I am for the other team. Because to hell with patriotism right now.
• Iran, because Iran winning the World Cup would be fucking hilarious;
• Africa unite: If the Netherlands or the US are not involved in the game, but a team from Africa is, cheer for the team from Africa. If two African teams are competing against each other, choose the team with cooler uniforms. EXCEPTION: South Africa. See below.
• All other games matches: No Netherlands, no US, and no Africa? The preference list is as follows:
  • Curaçao, because I don’t even know where that is;(*)
  • Haiti;
  • Mexico;
  • Any team from Central or South America (follow the “uniforms and vibes” rule if both teams are Central/South American)
  • Türkiye;
  • Any other team from Asia Minor/the Middle East; blah blah uniforms & vibes
  • Canada;
  • Anywhere else that isn’t Europe, including South Africa;
  • Europe, excepting the Netherlands; BBU&V.

So today we are supporting Qatar, Morocco and Haiti; tomorrow, Türkiye, Curaçao, ORANJE!, the Ivory Coast and Tunisia, and Monday, Cape Verde, Egypt, Uruguay and Iran. You get the idea, I think.

(*) I just found out that Curaçao is part of the Kingdom of the Netherlands, apparently, and moved them up on the list. We’re going to consider Cape Verde as Africa-adjacent as well.