I published a little mini-rant on Twitter yesterday morning that was brought on by one too many Tweets about the kidnapped Nigerian girls and a tweet that literally suggested I should retweet it to cure cancer.  I know what “literally” means, guys; the Tweet actually read the actual words “Retweet to cure cancer!”

I just now (I’m writing this Thursday night) found this picture on the Internet somewhere.  This has got to be the stupidest picture in the history of photography itself.

tl;dr: Dear Twitter/meme activism: go fuck yourself.  Longer, more profane version follows.

I mean, what the fuck is the endgame of any of these fucking pictures?  Do these three assholes seriously think that a fucking human trafficker— not generally a genre of man known to give a fuck— is going to 1) know who the fuck Ashton Kutcher is or 2) give one single wet shit that that coddled Hollywood wankstain thinks he isn’t a “real man?”  Really, world?  Sean Penn and fucking Justin Timberlake think they can shame a motherfucker into not doing something because they don’t think he’s a “real man?”  Do you seriously think that the average “man” involved in human trafficking wouldn’t literally eat Ashton Kutcher if he felt like it?

What the fuck is this nonsense?  Who the hell are these assholes even talking to right now?

Themselves, that’s who the fuck.  This isn’t activism, it’s fucking masturbation, and the bastards don’t even have the fucking decency to lock themselves in the bathroom while they’re doing it.  Christ, this is so goddamned stupid that I’m hurting my brain even complaining about it.  And, granted, this particular picture isn’t about the Nigerians, but it’s functionally the exact same shit.

Here’s a clue, dude: there’s one person in America who can actually do anything about the lost Nigerian girls, and unless you are seriously suggesting we invade Nigeria to find them, even what the fuck he can do is more than a little limited.

President Obama does not read Twitter.  And there is no universe in which social media pressure convinces a bunch of Nigerian religious extremists– who, I suspect, don’t actually have fucking Twitter accounts–  to give the girls back.

Wait, no, this picture might be stupider:

I love Michelle Obama, guys.  She’s without a doubt my favorite First Lady, not just of my lifetime, of all time.  But holy Christ does this picture make me want to vomit.  It’s cynical and opportunistic and self-promoting and jesus fuck woman the President of the United States sleeps in your bed, what the fuck are you doing showing off your concerned face on Twitter?

Did anybody ever stop that Kony dude, by the way?  Twitter was mad at him too, right?

Fuck.

(Not to slow my roll or anything, but: while I’m slightly more sympathetic to the idea that people are “raising awareness” with this shit, they’re “raising awareness” by making the  the statement “Here!  I did nothing about this!  You should do the same nothing I did!”  Well, great.  Tweet all the fuck you want, those kids aren’t coming back without massive political pressure or some sort of military intervention– which is not happening– and Twitter will produce neither of those things anyway.  “Awareness” is bullshit.)

(Sidenote:  Misspell “human” the wrong way and WordPress autocorrects it to “Juan.”  As bad as human trafficking is, Juan Trafficking is… well, way different.)