Last night’s anxiety dream

Sunday night’s dream was that I was late to a concert and then when I got there I was the only person in a mask, plus a nice little dab of high school anxiety. Last night, I had a dream where I was the only other person nearby while a cop was being brutal and abusive toward a Black woman at a traffic stop, only I couldn’t figure out how to get my phone to record a video and by the time I managed to parse the UI he already had her in his car and had driven off.

The really ridiculous part is that the dream also included the post-arrest Twitter rant I went on, which was about, not policing, not a description of the arrest … but about how app designer’s obsession with subtle UI elements has led to a world where something simple like “I want to record this thing happening in front of me” requires me to carefully look at every part of the screen in case there’s a tiny, 50% transparency circle in the top right corner that I’m supposed to naturally realize means “record.”

Which, uh, isn’t how my phone works at all— the “record” button is literally giant, centered, and red– but hey, dream.

More later. If nothing else, I know Mark Oshiro put up another video from Remember that I need to watch and post.

In which I need a nerd

Hire engineersI need y’all to understand something: when most people say they need a nerd, they’re looking for me.  And I am vastly unqualified to perform this task on my own, so when I say I need a nerd, I need a nerd.  Like, nerdery is how you make your living.

Gotta be a couple of y’all out there somewhere, right?

Here’s what I want, and I can already think of three ways it’s complicated without knowing anything, so basically what I’m expecting is that the first person with any experience in app development who reads this will leave a comment telling me why it’s impossible.  I am fairly obsessive about monitoring my sales numbers, right?  I’m sure I’m not the only one.  But as of right now that means monitoring three different websites several times a day.

(“Be less obsessive” is not the answer I’m looking for.  I want a nerd, not a psychologist.)

I want a mobile app that monitors those websites for me, sends me a notification whenever I get a sale somewhere, and aggregates everything together in a bunch of lovely graphs and charts and other things.  If it can monitor royalties and ping me when I get a review, too, that would be superb.  Also an awesome bonus: exporting to Excel.

You can have all the credit for this awesome idea, which will surely make you a multimillionaire.  Go go go!