Announce that Mitch McConnell’s office has until the end of the week to respond in a satisfactory fashion to your entirely reasonable letter about his health. If they do not, at noon on Monday you’ll be holding a press conference on the front steps (or equivalent thereof; the hospital probably doesn’t have a lot of steps) of George Washington University Hospital in DC, which is supposedly where he is. After that press conference, you will be entering the hospital and demanding to see Senator McConnell.
If you are provided sufficient evidence that McConnell is alive and able to perform the duties of his office, you will come out and tell everyone that. If you, the governor of Kentucky, the state that McConnell represents, are denied the chance to see him, either by hospital staff, DC police, McConnell’s staff, or literally anyone else, you will be notifying the still-gathered news media of that fact and then you will immediately either appoint a new Senator in McConnell’s place or name the date of the special election, depending on which method your office has decided you’re able to utilize this week. I feel like this part keeps changing.
They will sue you, if you do that. An awesome thing about facing a lawsuit, though, is that they would have to prove he is alive in order to sue you for unlawfully replacing him. Which happens to solve the exact same problem that you already had, so it’s all good.
It’s time to make an ass of yourself, Governor. Do it.
The way this week has been going, I fully expect that by the time I’m done with this post Kamala Harris will have announced a running mate and it will be none of these people. But what the hell, let’s speculate. To be clear, I don’t have super strong feelings about any of these folks, and a lot of them I don’t know a lot about, so take all of this with salt as usual, and remember that I know nothing about politics. That said, let’s start top left and go clockwise.
Josh Shapiro: Brings Pennsylvania with him, I think, which makes him the most immediately attractive candidate on the list at least in terms of electoral votes. I am a little leery of putting a strong Israel supporter on the ticket; I don’t know a ton about Shapiro but what little research I’ve done indicates that AIPAC should be pretty fond of this guy. And, yes, I mean “strong Israel supporter” and not “Jewish person,” and if you don’t recognize the difference, I invite you to go talk to Bernie Sanders about Benjamin Netanyahu.
Andy Beshear: One of my best friends lives in Kentucky and she is absolutely ecstatic about the idea of him becoming VP. Brings Kentucky with him, potentially has a strong positive role in Ohio and Indiana as well. Probably the best direct comparison to JD Vance, and I get the feeling he absolutely despises him, which will be fun. Vance is basically Beshear’s Wario anyway. My wife’s choice.
Roy Cooper: Bringing North Carolina over would be cool, but he’s too old. I want this ticket to radiate youthful energy, damn it.
Pete Buttigieg: My horse. Easily the best communicator on the list and another person who absolutely personally despises JD Vance, who just said that he wasn’t a parent today. He has two adopted kids. Not sure if it’s the wisest move in the universe for the Presidential candidate to be a Black woman and the Veep to be a gay guy but I’m also not sure I give a fuck at this point. I didn’t like Buttigieg’s 2020 candidacy because he wanted to be a Kumbaya guy; I think four straight years of being hauled in front of Congressional committees to be preached at by belligerently ignorant assholes has probably cured him of that. I’m not convinced he brings any states with him, though.
Gretchen Whitmer: Has already stated that she’s not interested in leaving Michigan; I really don’t see Harris picking another woman anyway. She’d be great but it’s not going to happen.
JD Pritzker: No thank you. We already have Illinois and I don’t need a billionaire on the ticket.
Gavin Newsom: Meh. We already have California. Really viscerally hates Trump, though, which is nice.
Mark Kelly: An astronaut VP would be cool, but I’d kind of rather have him in the Senate. There would have to be a special election to replace him and the Senate is just too damn close right now to fuck around. Too old and we’re never electing a bald guy to the Presidency.
I thought about including a few people who aren’t in the picture– a few people have tossed Beto O’Rourke’s name into the mix, which … ehh— but I’m pretty sure our next VP is in that picture somewhere. Again, I’d be fine with any of them except maybe for Pritzker, and I’m not even all that sure, other than the billionaire thing, why I dislike him as much as I do. I don’t think he’s really in the running anyway. The three best choices are Buttigieg, Shapiro, and Beshear, and probably not in that order.
Gonna hit Publish and then go find out that she chose Mr. Beast. The post about him can be tomorrow.
